PhD in Being Me

Category: Being an empath

  • Reconnecting to myself

    A bright orange sky with deep blue.
    Photo by NO NAME on Pexels.com

    Sometimes I hear my voice inside me and it’s loud and clear.

    Other times it’s like there is so much noise from the world that is making it harder to know who I am and where I stand.

    Today, I went for a walk in the woods and I heard the noise. I felt the worries. I wondered where I had gone to in the crowded space of my being. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, just continuing onwards despite missing myself and wondering where I was.

    I really didn’t like that feeling, so I choked on a sob and spoke nicely to myself.

    I said, hey, whether all of this belongs to me or the world, I love you.

    No matter how overwhelmed, shattered, broken, scattered, afraid and numb you feel, I am with you.

    I thought of how complicated life can be, as well as how miraculous it can be, and I decided to care for myself no matter how I was experiencing it today. I remember saying something like, hey, whether you see the world from a glass half full or half empty perspective, I love you and you super matter to me.

    It seemed to simplify everything and made me feel calmer. Writing about my experiences and how full life is lately is really helpful too. It’s easy to think that everyone else has it good, and by writing, I aim to make others feel less alone in feeling things deeply. It also helps me feel less alone too, because I get to shine the light of my attention on my fears, worries and overwhelm.

    Where do you need some light today?

    If it’s for your heart, I send you much comfort, love, security, protection, caring and love.

    If it’s for your mind, I send you deep breaths, smiles, quiet, peace and serenity.

    If it’s for your body, I send you much balance, healing, nourishment and rejuvenation.

    If it’s for your spirit, I send you big high fives, because no matter what, you are rocking it, even if all you want to do is curl up in a ball. You’re here. You matter. I am cheering you on and smiling with you and for you.

    With every breath you take for the rest of today and the rest of your days, may you know how special you are and that you matter, even if you are having a hard time or life just isn’t going your way.

    I honour you and wish you super well.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved.

    ps. I used AI to generate the two images below. I’ve never done that before! The first one is my favorite and really represents what I wanted to convey to you, from my heart to yours.

    A solid red heart with angel wings.
    A pink sparkling heart with rainbow lights inside it.

  • Breathing in and actually letting it out

    Northern lights with blue and green hues
    Magic can happen when we let ourselves feel the whole experience of being human

    Today feels like the kind of day where I need to remember to breathe in and out. To be with the rhythm of my breath, to breathe in, feel everything that is uncomfortable and actually breathe it out.

    As I have written before, I am learning to be inspired by nature. Over the past few weeks, there has been freezing rain, lots of snow and very mild weather. I have seen trees cut down, and wasps coming out of their early winter sleep. Nature is whispering, “hey, it’s okay if things aren’t permanent. They’re meant to change, and so are you. Aligning with your breath is one way to remember that.”

    And so, I breathe in, feel it all, exhale, and let whatever I have been holding onto out.

    Whatever you are feeling today, I invite you to join me in putting your hand on your heart, smiling gently at yourself and inhaling nice and slow. If it feels right to you, give yourself a little compliment or some affirming words like, “hey honey, I am with you no matter what,” and breathe out. May you feel love, peace and comfort with every breath you take.

    Big hugs.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2023.

  • Dissolving

    A jar of water with a whirlpool of dissolving sugar in the center.
    Creating this whirlpool of dissolving sugar seemed like the perfect image for this post and poem. Once the sugar is dissolved, it’s perfect for hummingbirds, but before that, it is two separate ingredients. May your dissolving and integrating be gentle and wonderful.

    Introduction

    I wrote Dissolving in 2017, and it helped me understand what I was and still am going through. It describes that unconscious and insatiable hunger that is rampant in the undercurrents of our society. Writing this gave me the idea to be more patient, loving, and accepting of this aspect of myself and humanity. May we all be empowered to love and honor what is dissolving in our world to create space for all the beauty and heart-centered consciousness that is emerging.

    Dissolving – a poem

    There is a part of me that never needs to be fed by anything
    as it is complete, whole and self-nourishing.
    However, the part of me that feeds off of drama, junk food,
    competition, hate, anger, rage, despair,
    overwhelm, panic and sadness
    is present.
    It is showing me it is present.
    It is wanting me to feed it
    endlessly
    ceaselessly and
    without any regard to conscious action.

    I see you.
    I feel you.
    I know your hunger.
    I cannot feed you in the way that you want, crave or need.
    I am waking up and you are hungry.
    I know you will never be satisfied, that you will always crave, reach, pull, grab and hang on.
    I don’t know what to do for you, except to be your witness,
    the witness to what drives humanity to be inhuman,
    the witness to the cause of the suffering of all beings,
    the cause of the competition, greed and destruction
    that is now ready to be revealed;
    ready to be loved
    nurtured
    witnessed and
    dissolved
    through compassion, separation and merging with the wholeness within.

    May your dissolving be gentle, peaceful and loving.
    May I have the courage to be your witness
    no matter how fiercely you crave, hunger or hold on.
    I love you and I am here,
    separating from you
    witnessing you
    loving you as your journey comes to this point of completion.
    Thank you.

    May all beings be blessed with the courage
    clarity and awareness to separate from the hunger
    and merge with the one who never hungers.
    May the homecoming of the one who hungers be glorious.

    No matter what’s going on within or around you, may you know how much you are loved.

     © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Different isn’t wrong

    It is very easy as a sensitive, empathic person to think that I am doing something wrong. It happens usually when someone does something differently than me. It is very sad that I automatically assume that I am doing something wrong. Thankfully, I have been learning to nurture myself so that I can embrace the little me who doubts herself and doesn’t think she’s good enough.

    I recently had an experience where I was excited to share something new I tried. One of the responses I received very quickly made me feel like I had done it wrong, even though it had turned out pretty well. The two photos below show how I felt at first (doubting myself, unsure, concerned), and then how I responded a few seconds later (loving and validating myself).

    Bradlee with a look on her face like, "the way I did it wasn't good enough"
    Bradlee with a loving look on her face with a caption saying "your way is very valid honey, it's just different."

    How do you feel when you do something that is different than others? Do you judge yourself? Second guess yourself? Wish you could disappear because you can’t seem to get it right? I am with you. I lived like that for so many years and it is still my default response. Thankfully, I can stop myself, know that I am valid just as I am, and continue on. I still get shaken and I still doubt myself sometimes, but I’m miles from where I once was.

    I learned how to love and compliment myself from Matt Kahn. If you haven’t checked him out, I encourage you to. He is so compassionate, caring, wise and loving. I learned that sensitive, empathic people really need to learn to give love to themselves, because they are generally very good at giving it to others. He teaches about giving yourself compliments and acknowledging the good you do each day. I started doing that in 2015 and it has been a very transformative process. It is very easy to berate and judge yourself, but giving yourself a compliment can be hard, but super, super rewarding.

    For example, I might say, “You know honey, there are lots of ways to do [insert task]. I loved how you tried something new and it turned out. Maybe you just invented a new way of doing things.” Or I might say, “Things are starting to feel hard this evening. You’ve done so well today, how about you take a rest?” Those are little ways I show up for myself now and it has created a buffer that helps me deal with negativity, judgement or different ways of doing things.

    You’re doing great. Even if you feel terrible or things are going terribly, you are still wonderful. You are so worthy of love, compliments, care and attention. I honor you and your uniqueness and you are so much more than your circumstances. No matter what, may you know that you are still valid, even if you do things differently than others. I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Being here

    Being here

    Introduction

    This poem is a follow up to a few of my recent posts (Choosing consciously, and Being while doing) about living more consciously and being aware of my life as I’m living it. This has been one of my goals for several years now and I seem to go through times where this is easy and times when I live in a fog. May this poem inspire you and call to your deepest self so you may be your own best companion and witness. May we all take a moment to love and nurture our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls. Big hugs!!

    Being here – a poem

    When my feet hit the ground, I want to be there.

    When my nose inhales the smell of spring, I want to be there.

    When my head turns to better hear and see the birds singing their joyous songs, I want to be there.

    When my hand holds my dog’s leash and I am taking her for a walk, I want to be there.

    When I look into my child’s eyes and see the beauty of their soul shining out, I want to be there.

    When my husband kisses me, I want to be there, in my lips and in my body, to feel his tenderness and his love for me.

    When my body aches, I want to be there.

    When the sun shines and it soothes my soul, I want to be there to feel it, breathe it in and be nourished by it.

    It is so easy to be outside of ourselves.  It is so easy to be lost in thoughts, swirling in a maze and whirlwind, right outside of our heads, lost in a vortex that never stops.

    I want to feel the vortex and let the majesty, beauty and pain within life pull me back to me.  I want to be an active participant in my life.  I want to be here no matter what is going on. 

    I want to be with my teeth as they chew my food.

    I want to be with my digestive system as it takes what it needs from the food and lets the rest pass through.

    I want to be with my nervous system as I navigate through life, one deep breath at a time.

    I want to be with my eyes as they witness both incredible cruelty and magnificent beauty. 

    I want to be with my ears as they hear songs of love and words of hatred.

    I want to be with my body as the desire to dance wells up from my belly and makes me get up.

    I want to be here, with myself, with each experience. 

    Always.  Now. Forever. 

    Being here. 

    Being there, wherever I am.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • That cynical edge

    Rough cliffs on the ocean, with dark clouds filling the sky.
    Photo by Stanislav Kondratiev on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in January 2019. I was going through a tough time with my mental and physical health, and there were several other challenges in my personal and professional life. I was learning so much about being an empath and how to thrive despite everything I was feeling. I definitely didn’t feel like I was thriving, but this poem showed my dedication to figuring it out, which makes my heart smile.

    Reading this poem reminds me how much more complex life is for people who feel deeply and who are empaths. It also reminds me how courageous the most sensitive of souls are each day, and it gives me hope for transforming our planet with light, love and sensitivity. Big hugs!

    That cynical edge

    I have been trying so hard not to become cynical.

    I have railed against the cynicism, doubts and anger that have filled my world and

    I have done my best to push it away.

    It has slowly crept up on me, climbing up my legs, and weaving itself

    around me, stealthily and purposefully and it has me around the neck.

    It is choking me and infecting my brain and soul.

    I no longer trust in the good of all.

    I no longer know what I trust in.

    I am a stupid leaf being blown by the wind and now I’ve once again

    landed in the cesspool of humanity’s pain.

    Why do I keep ending up here?

    I hate it here.

    I get it.

    We are suffering, we have suffered, it seems like we will keep suffering.

    How is it helping me to be a little leaf blowing from circumstance to circumstance?

    How it is that I am getting deeper and deeper into the cesspool when there is so much good in my life?

    What steps can I take to trust in the good once again?

    What do I need in order to trust in the good once again?

    How many hugs am I feeling like I missed out on?

    How many kind words am I longing to hear?

    How many times do I need to be acknowledged and witnessed until I can once again trust the good in all, including in myself?

    How is it that my self-worth is still tied up in receiving those things?

    What might I need to break all the cycles of abuse, within and without, so that trust and love may rise up again within me as the default operating system?

    What was that dream teaching me when I was a little girl?

    What was it teaching me to see Mother Mary alone in a big and empty hospital waiting room?  She was alone and scared and she was about to give birth to Jesus, but she was so alone.  I had that dream several times and I’ve never forgotten it.  How may I assist myself and our planet in healing, transforming and resolving the extreme loneliness that has led to the creation and deepening of the cesspool of humanity’s exceptionally exquisite pain that seems ready to burst in every aspect of our planet?

    How may I transition from being the pain and not trusting anything to being the one to bring light to the cesspool for the wellbeing of all?

    May the guidance come from within my great big heart and may it come quickly and effortlessly to help me with my mission.

    I know I’ll never drown in the cesspool, but it’s time to transform it.

    May it be transformed into the golden waters of Heaven where all may come to be nourished, healed, blessed and transformed instead of where people come to commiserate with others in the pain and darkness of their everyday existence.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved