PhD in Being Me

Category: mental health

  • Recognizing my internal fight

    Drawing of a knight's helmet in silver
    My internal armour

    I have been fighting for a long time.  I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time.  Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.

    My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary.  Am I fighting myself?  The world?  My past?  Certain people?  All people? My circumstances?  My body and mind?  Perhaps all of it? 

    This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative.  I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts.  But those fighting parts have been necessary.  They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding.  In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.

    I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay.  It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it? 

    In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations.  They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life.  As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier. 

    And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here.  Gosh, it was so nice.  I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response.  And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all.  It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at.  And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.

    Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page.  I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome. 

    End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul.  Yes, that feels nice.  May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.

    With lots of care, 💖 Bradlee

    Me, Maggie and Archie playing games

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Acknowledging progress

    Long green grass blowing in the wind

    It’s easy for me to get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of my growth and healing.  I have been off work for a year and a half to take care of my physical and mental health.  I recognize that I am not well enough to work, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t healed, grown and rested during this time.

    If I have a tough day with big time symptoms or fatigue, it’s even easier for me to forget how far I have already come.  And so today, I am acknowledging and celebrating my wins.  They are very important, even if my life can still be difficult.

    • The brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am participating in is helping me.  When I first started in November, I was so triggered reading the materials and watching the videos, so I took very baby steps.  My capacity for learning, doing the exercises and holding space for myself has hugely increased.  Yay!  I am still going slow and checking in with my body, and that feels really healthy.  It’s one way I am working on my PhD in Being Me, tuning in to myself and my needs instead of rushing to complete the next training level if I am not ready.
    • I am getting better at making choices that honour where I am with chronic fatigue syndrome instead of forcing myself onwards when I know it will negatively impact me.
    • I am better able to tell when I need to speak up about a boundary or if my boundaries have been violated.
    • I feel less choiceless in my every day life.
    • I am more compassionate with myself and others.
    • I am feeling less responsible for the world and the people I care about.
    • I really like doing somatic work, and I get a lot of ease and relief when I do it.
    • I can sometimes notice when I am dissociated, numb, or frozen and can give myself extra love.
    • I better understand different feelings in my body and what they are signaling.  I am also learning to ride through the panic I feel when the toughest ones arise.  I did that yesterday with a tool and gosh, it helped so much.
    • I am able to put the tools aside and just be as I am, like today 💕.

    My plan is to publish posts about some helpful tools I have been learning about and strategies I am figuring out for myself.  I hope these future posts empower me and any reader who may benefit.  Life can be beautiful, but challenging, and I love learning about ways to navigate the challenges in healthier ways 🌸🌸.

    Thanks for reading, may you be well and may your intuition be strong and clear to support you!

    With care, 💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026. All Rights Reserved.

  • Echoes from the past – Learning to make my present voice stronger

    An underwater body of water with a cave at the far end

    The echoes from my past are here, calling to me, echoing. 

    Keep yourself small.

    Don’t do anything that can get you hurt.

    Change your behavior at the smallest signs of irritation from the person you are with.

    Keep your anger down, it’s not safe to show it.

    On and on they echo, reverberating within me, reminding me of what I have survived and trying to protect me from that in the here and now.

    Those echoes have served an important role in my life.  Without them, I may not have made choices that have kept me safe.  But with them, I have also been living in the past, and making decisions from that past that may not be necessary in my life today.

    I’ve been learning more about the living legacy of trauma and how the story or narrative of a person’s trauma is alive in their nervous system and body.  The nervous system remembers traumatic events and works to protect from similar events in the present. 

    My therapist has gently guided me to this understanding over the last 2 years and it’s taken that long for me to even feel safe enough to recognize the teachings and not feel triggered by them.  She has helped me understand that my current circumstances are very different and safe and that my “trauma narrative” will always try to keep me safe, even when I’m already safe and cozy.

    And so, this morning, I heard these angry, irritable thoughts in my mind, and I thought of them as echoes.  Those thoughts were trying to protect me from my past, which really didn’t match with what I knew to be true this morning. 

    They were calling to me, echoing, and I recognized that my true self’s voice, the one I have been cultivating, nurturing and caring for, is getting stronger.  And that strength helped me stay separate from those echoes and rest in what I know to be true within me today.  It was a very simple, but powerful moment of liberation.

    Those echoes helped me realize how far I have come, and that even though they may always be echoing, maybe they’ll get quieter and the voice of my present self will continue to get louder, more confident, secure and grounded in my present.

    I love learning about trauma.  It’s been a scary and intense journey to face and acknowledge the pain I have experienced and lived through.  It’s also been liberating to learn how the nervous system works, what an incredible job it’s done for me and how I can work with it to create a greater sense of safety in my present.

    Thank you echoes, thank you to my past, thank you to all the incredible people who have and continue, to love, support, care for and uplift me.  You’ve all played a role in me having this realization this morning.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

    With lots of gratitude and appreciation for where I have been and where I am going and for you for witnessing my journey 🩷🩷🩷, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • For days when my symptoms kick my ass

    Tired me

    Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass.  And today is one of those days.  To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.  

    I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both.  It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills.  It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.

    Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there.  Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.

    I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do.  I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps.  But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.

    I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell.  I am very grateful for that!  I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health.  And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).

    One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.

    May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💖💖💖

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Thinking of my emotions like they’re a “check engine” warning

    A photo of the instrument panel on a car dashboard

    Instead of getting all riled up by my feelings, like I was earlier today, I wondered if it would help me to think of them like a little “check engine” light.  Nothing personal, nothing to fix, get over, analyze or heal from, but an indicator that some care is needed.

    If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I have been writing about my changing relationship with my most complex and challenging emotions and feelings.  I am learning how to allow my feelings, how to stay present with them, and to feel them as opposed to focusing on the events from my past that they likely stemmed from.

    So, this metaphor came to me tonight.  What if resentment, for example, is like a “check engine” light or a “check oil” light.  One that reminds me that I need care (not a car service, tee hee).  And that likely I have been sacrificing myself or not meeting my needs.  That seems pretty simple.  I felt some serious resentment over the smallest thing this evening before I realized that the last few weeks have been challenging and I needed rest.  When I thought of it this way, I didn’t feel as angry and resentful, but instead, it was super easy to tell myself I had done more than enough today and that I should lie down and watch TV.  It made a big difference to my experience of those big feelings.  It gave me a bit of separation from them and made me feel mature, grounded and able to take care of myself. 

    This realization helped me acknowledge more deeply that I haven’t been feeling great all week, and that I have been doing an excellent job experimenting with how to care for myself during this stressful week.  It’s easy for me to feel like a victim, and choiceless, but in writing this post and reflecting, I see that through small actions and choices this week, I showed up for myself, even when I got super triggered, exhausted and overwhelmed.

    I am open to exploring those big emotions as a “check engine” light that is here to help me meet my needs in each moment.  Tonight, I need to get into bed early, read and go to sleep!

    Sweet dreams, 🌟♥️🌸, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Letting it all out through allowing

    A cliff face with waterfalls

    Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings.  Sometimes I distract myself.  But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.

    I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes.  I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here.  I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away.  I am here.”  Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat. 

    That makes a lot of sense to me.  I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s.  It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others.  It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it.  I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious.  It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.

    Ah, hindsight, eh?  The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me.  So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.

    As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:

    • I am here for you and with you.  You are welcome here.
    • I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
    • I love you and I am here.  Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
    • You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
    • I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?

    The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments.  Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion.  I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.

    I look forward to sharing an update in the future. 

    May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Holding space

    A photo in space, of pink and dark purple matter, with darkness all around.

    Well, here I am.  I really feel like writing, and celebrating the desire to write.

    I went for a cold, sunny sky walk with the dogs and I was filled with so much love and possibilities.  I was given an opportunity to see the extent of the possibilities of my life in spite of my physical and mental health challenges.

    I’ve been learning how to ride the waves of my emotions instead of being pulled into every feeling I have.  I was flooded with fear just when I was passing a wide field with a horse and two cows and a tall tree full of singing birds.  There was no immediate danger that I could see, in fact it was a beautiul scene, but I was terrified.  For the first time, I felt that fear coursing through my body and was able to see the beauty around me.  The horse was peeking around the wall of his shelter and was staring right at me.  I held his eyes and then looked at the cute cows, and knew that I could be okay despite the intense feelings in my body. 

    Slowly but surely, and I mean slowly (!), I am learning how to build up my capacity to feel my feelings, and to be stressed and to know that I am okay despite it all.  I’m also learning how to ride the waves of extreme fatigue that I have with chronic fatigue syndrome and to know that I’ll live through it.  Being exhausted for years has really stressed out every aspect of my beingness.  I am so grateful for my therapists, health care professionals and for the Primal Trust program, which is all about healing from the chronic stress response.

    I’m focusing on celebrating my wins, crying when I need to, knowing that I can create trust within myself as I learn to tend to my nervous system and body in new ways.  It’s taken a lot of tough living for me to get here, and I’m so loved, supported and cared for, so my hope for my future is justified. 

    I’m getting my PhD in Being Me each day that I listen to my body and mind and tune into my needs.  I used to think that if I could do everything perfectly, everything would be fine.  Now I see that it’s more about being who I am, exactly as I am, meeting myself where I’m at, learning, being patient, asking for help and loving myself. 

    I hope that you are inspired by what you need each day to get your very own Phd in Being You, because no one else is you and you are very worthy of caring for yourself and being supported.

    Big hugs!  🌸🌟💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Moving towards discomfort

    A pink heart with white spots and dangly art all around it.
    A heart I drew from the book, The Art of Drawing Dangles, by Olivia A. Kneibler

    Moving towards the uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, emotions, pains and everything else inside of me is bold.  It’s amazing.  It’s the opposite of what I had done for so so many years, and it’s the opposite of what we’re encouraged to do in North America.

    For years now, I’ve learned various different approaches to my physical and mental health, and over time, it’s become easier to want to befriend all the parts of my inner world, including the uncomfortable ones.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I’m either tired or exhausted each day, and I feel soreness in my muscles, inflammation in my joints and brain, as well as other symptoms.  I am also easily triggered into strong stress and trauma responses, which adds to my exhaustion.  So, some of my daily life is uncomfortable.  As a high achiever and recovering (hopefully!) perfectionist, leaning in to this discomfort is not something that has come easily.  I have put so much effort into trying to be perfect, to keep up the appearance that everything is okay, that I am okay.  Ya, so leaning in to those aspects of myself and my health that I had judged as flawed has not been easy.

    Through the guidance of my therapists,  trauma healing work, art, nervous system regulating practices, and self-compassion, I have been building up safety and trust within me.  I was not a trust worthy person to myself before, because I had such a strong inner critic who would berate the “weaker” parts of me (explaining my inner critic’s role and how we’re getting to be friends is a whole other post or 10).

    Creating that trust has been the work of over a year and it’s been beautiful to witness within me.  That trust has allowed me to become a reliable confidante and friend to myself, to know that I can count on myself, to be able to recognize when it’s time to reach out for support, and to know that I am developing the skills to be kind to myself and to understand why it’s been difficult to do that before. It is such a blessing.

    And so, today, when I’m tired, my muscles and head hurt, and I can feel inflammation, worry and stress building up, I can lean towards those feelings.  I can say, “hey, I feel you, and I am with you.  You are not alone and it’s okay to feel this way.  What kind of support do you need today?”  That is a big change from me berating myself, shoving down how I feel and just trying to keep going.  It’s a new muscle that I’m building, “the kindness, compassion and leaning in muscle” so sometimes I revert back to my old ways to trying to protect myself through controlling how I am doing because those muscles are much stronger from years of use. 

    For example, yesterday, I noticed that I was trying to manage and control how I felt so that I could feel better.  I was innocently doing all kinds of meditations and deep breathing tools to try not to feel crappy, and then I realized what I was doing.  I was trying to push away and hurry away how I was feeling.  I took a few deep breaths, gave myself permission to be uncomfortable and to move forward with more kindness, ease and allowing myself to be just as I was.  It really made for a more gentle experience and nurtured that trust I am developing within myself.  I can’t always change how I feel or how my health is, but I can influence how I experience each day. 

    And so, today and every day, may we all be blessed with the safety, support, resources, and tools to be kind to ourselves, to lean in to what is causing discomfort with curiousity, compassion and kindness, and to smile at ourselves and each other as we do what we can with our circumstances.

    Big hugs from me!  💖💖  Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.