PhD in Being Me

Category: PhD Curriculum

  • How I Feel is Nobody’s Fault

    The sun shining behind tree branches covered in ice.
    The sun setting through ice covered tree branches

    For as long as I can remember, I haven’t taken responsibility for how I feel. I have blamed or resented other people, thinking it was their fault I was mad, sad, disempowered, or overwhelmed.

    I have related to life as a victim for a very long time. I even remember writing in my diary in grade 6 and thinking to myself, “Ah, look at that, this is the role I will be playing in my life.” It was like my inner wisdom was observing me taking on the persona of victimhood.

    I have had a lifetime of Oscar worthy performances as a victim, with many breakthroughs over the years where I live from a more empowered and confident place. Thankfully, through my efforts to get to know, love, and care for myself, I am seeing the role of “victim” for what it is, a role.

    Maybe as I get closer to getting a PhD in Being Me, I am also becoming my own casting director in the play of my life. Maybe I am also the executive producer, star performer, prompter, props person, and even playwright. Maybe that’s why I recently had the thought: How I feel is nobody’s fault.

    I first had that thought while I was walking the dogs in mid-January. It was like I stepped outside of myself and looked at my life from a place of emotional freedom, and those words, “How I feel is nobody’s fault,” trickled into my being and unshackled me. This was very profound for me because of my pattern of blaming and resenting others instead of taking responsibility for myself.

    For example, with chronic fatigue syndrome, I have limited energy each day. Sometimes, when I was especially tired, I would resent my chores, my job, my body, my family, or my dogs. It has been hard for me to remember deep in my being that it is no one’s fault I am so tired or that I choose to resent or blame instead of just being tired. The truth is, I have been resenting and blaming for a long time, way before I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue. That realization of “how I feel is nobody’s fault” has shifted my perspective to one where I can take responsibility for how I feel, which frees me from blame, resentment, and perpetual victimhood.

    For two days after those words, “How I feel is nobody’s fault,” I kept repeating that realization to myself and feeling the freedom within it. I was more liberated in terms of how I related to others and the responsibilities in my life. It was heavenly. I then was thrust back into feeling like a victim until that freedom and sense of peace and self autonomy came back to me.

    I expect that I will cycle through this realization as it deepens and loosens up those rigid, disempowered aspects of my being until I am more free, autonomous, and accountable to and responsible for myself. May the loosening and softening be as loving, gentle, and respectful as possible for me, for you dear reader, and for all. No force or pressure, just beautiful dawning and expanding of autonomy in all aspects of our individual and collective beingness.

    A NOTE: This realization stems from me relating to life as a victim. This realization is from my inner work and isn’t meant to tell anyone who is being abused or hurt by another in any way that it is not their abusers fault. Abuse of any kind is not okay, and it is wrong. If you are in an abusive situation, I love you, and it is not your fault. I encourage you to reach out to loved ones or professional support where you live, and may you receive all the love, support, and care you need.

    Thank you for reading. Wherever you are in your life or how you are feeling, I support you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Giving myself time

    A sunset behind trees covered with ice and snow.

    I love this image. I took it at sunset a few weeks ago. It reminds me that there is a lot of beauty in the day’s transitions. Here is another of a sunrise from the front of my house.

    These two images remind me that the sun doesn’t rush it’s rising or setting. Nor does it seem to judge what’s going on in the sky while it is going through those transitions. It just is. And it’s always perfect and beautiful. So, how can I translate this wisdom to myself?

    Lately, I have been dealing with big feelings on and off. I’ve loved it because I am learning to allow myself space and time to be with my feelings. This is the opposite approach I used to take. It’s uncomfortable to be with some of these big feelings but it is also so liberating. I understand that they are here for a reason and that it is okay for me to sit with them, to just be with them. The other important thing I am learning is that I am okay even though I am feeling them. That is a big win.

    So, these feelings are like a slow and glorious sunrise. There are different phases of a gorgeous sunrise. At first the sky gently starts to lighten. The sky may then explode into bursts of color, or highlight the underside of the clouds like in the second photo. Then the sun itself emerges over the horizon and creates this magnificent light and it feels like the world is celebrating. Afterwards, the sun continues to rise and bring us light and warmth (can you tell it’s winter here?).

    I am seeing that my feelings have phases too. Sometimes they let me know they are there because I feel uncomfortable in my belly or chest. Other times, they explode and I feel them in my body and it’s like there is a shaking or a rumbling inside me. Occasionally it takes me a few days or weeks of my feelings rising and setting within me to understand their purpose and messages. That is what’s been going on for the past 3 weeks or so. The message in my feelings became clear to me on my walk this morning. It was perfect and beautiful and brought me much relief, even though I hadn’t liked feeling this way.

    I also started understanding that being uncomfortable with these big feelings wasn’t wrong, it was like the feelings were incubating within me before they could burst out like a glorious sunrise and share their inspiration with me. I had to watch and feel those feelings set every night with the sun and know that they would rise again with the sun until I was ready.

    Gosh, it is so freeing to understand myself and my feelings better. It feels so good to be making some sense of my life’s rhythms instead of constantly thinking I should be better at being happy all the time. I am a human. I have rhythms, I am affected by the winds of change within and around me, and that is a gift. I would rather be in sync with the rhythms on our beautiful planet than hold myself to some rigid expectations and suffer as a result.

    May you all be blessed with so much ease, light and grace as you learn and explore your own natural rhythms too. With every breath you take, may you write beautiful treaties of peace with yourself, your feelings, your body, mind, heart and soul. Big hugs!

    Scrabble tiles that spell the word love with a red heart next to it.
    Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding confidence

    An image of a sun rising from over the mountains.
    Photo by Konevi on Pexels.com

    The theme of my last few weeks has been finding confidence.

    Finding my:

    • self-confidence
    • ability to be confident and clear with others
    • inner confidence to live my life like I own it from the inside out.

    The whole purpose of my blog is to share my journey with becoming an expert in being me, and this theme of finding confidence is a big part of me getting a Phd In Being Me.

    In some ways, I am so very confident and capable and in other ways, I am very small, frightened, unsure and easily overwhelmed. I have these parts of me and they each interact with life in different ways. I have experienced both these last few weeks, so the difference between them has been rather eye-opening.

    In December, I had an appointment with a therapist who told me that I am coming into my power after many years of being anxious and disempowered. She told me that it will take some time for me to become more confident and more able to use my voice to speak up more of the time. She also told me to not hit myself over the head with a big 2 by 4 when I’m not able to interact with the world from an empowered, confident place. She asked me to practice being patient with myself; that is something I have reminded myself of often and it really does help.

    Last week, I felt my power and confidence emanating out of me. It was really special and wonderful to feel that way. I remember really finding that confidence during a walk I went on with our dogs. I was initially overwhelmed by how much our dogs were pulling on the leash during a walk. I then remembered that I am in charge and I don’t need to stay stuck in my default of being overpowered. Once I remembered that, my energy changed so much and I felt truly confident. My walk transformed from a battle into one of ease, excitement and enjoyment. It was so eye-opening and inspiring. The dogs can totally feel when I am in my disempowered place versus my empowered place and they respond to me accordingly. I really enjoyed experiencing so much more of my life last week from that empowered and strong place. I felt like I could accomplish anything and that I had a lot more strength within my heart, mind and body.

    This week, I have been feeling more easily overwhelmed and not confident at all. I have bursts of confidence that have come through but it definitely has been only a small portion of the time. It is really fascinating and I’m grateful for how much more loving, patient and compassionate I am with myself now. It seems like I can’t always control whether I can live life from a confident place, but I sure can choose how I respond to the overwhelmed and disempowered parts of me. Lately, I have been telling them how much I love them, how important they are to me and thanking them for coming forward to share their pain with me. That always helps and allows me to give myself the love that I so crave when I’m not at my most confident or empowered.

    It’s funny because if I had written this post last week when I was feeling very confident and empowered, it would have been very different. I guess this is the day I was meant to write it! I will make an effort to write again on a day when I feel super awesome so I can capture the difference.

    With every word you read today, may you bring peace, harmony, unity and love to all the beautiful parts of you, no matter how good or bad they feel.

    Thanks for reading! xoxoxoox

    Bradlee

    ps. I updated my poetry book page with a video of me reading a poem from the book. I invite you to check it out!

  • Some things take time – my first poetry book and a new poem

    Book cover image. Title of book, "From My Heart to Yours, poems to support you in times of grief, loss and transition." Includes image of a beautiful field with the sky and clouds.

    I have been writing poetry for several years now. Writing has helped and guided me through periods of massive personal growth. It has also helped me learn to connect with myself and learn to become an expert in taking care of myself.

    I kept my writing in a drawer for quite awhile. When I slowly and shyly started sharing it with others, I started understanding how powerful my words were. And how they contained so much healing and acceptance.

    I am so grateful to be able to transform my life experiences into poetry; lately I have been feeling the depth of my poetry’s alchemy. I feel its power to help heal, guide and validate others and I am humbled and grateful. And so, I am sharing the exciting news that I have published my first book of poems about grief, loss and transition. I am donating the proceeds to the Beth Donovan Hospice to thank them for all they did for me after my mom passed unexpectedly in February 2019. It is my hope that it brings peace, comfort and healing to all those who need it 💕. I invite you to learn more here:

    Poetry Book

    I offer this new poem in honor of you and all the pain, heartache, grief and loss it has included. It is dedicated to my beautiful friend Carla ❤️. She has inspired me to know that no matter how agonizingly slow my personal growth and ability to self-love have seemed, it is okay. Some things take time.

    Some things take time

    “We don’t judge a fetus in utero for how long it takes until it is ready to be born.
    We don’t rush a flower to hurry up and bloom while the petals are still forming.
    We don’t expect a toddler to write a PhD thesis or to be able to drive a car.

    So why do we rush ourselves through our healing?
    Why do we judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at?

    Some things take time. 
    The exact amount of time until they are ready, not because they are slow, doing anything wrong or broken.
    But just because that’s the amount of time they need.

    If you are frustrated, angry or overwhelmed by the length, depth and breadth of your healing journey, I am with you.
    I have felt like this for the last 10 years.
    What I woke up this morning with is this,
    ‘Some things take time.’
    I feel like there is so much truth in that.

    Maybe if we can be with ourselves and sit in our discomfort and pain, we wouldn’t judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at.
    Maybe if our culture didn’t value doing over being, we would all expect a long period of healing in our lives and we would know that some things take time.
    Whatever the reasons, what matters is this:
    You are valid no matter what is going on in your life.
    You matter even if you have been in a tough spot for what feels like 100 years too long.
    You are a precious treasure even if you feel as worthless as the gum under a school desk or as gross as poop stuck to a shoe.
    You are special even if you have been crying, yelling, grieving, hating or fearing for longer than you ever wanted to.
    With each breath you take today and every day, may all cycles of abuse within your life and those around you be completely healed and resolved.
    With every judgement, may you love yourself more than ever before.
    With every moment you choose to be instead of do, may our societal expectations of value from doing be completely healed and transformed.

    Some things take time.
    You are worthy of all the time you need.
    Breathe in and know, you matter.
    Take your time dear one, take your time.”

    Thanks for reading. I love and honor you exactly as you are. Some things take time, even publishing poetry books, writing blogs, or having the strength to become an expert in yourself. I super get it and I am with you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved

  • Inspiration from nature

    A photo I took this morning

    Lately I have been looking at nature to be inspired. Sometimes I don’t even try to find inspiration, it’s more like the beauty in nature is calling to me, asking me to be present and witness its beauty. Whenever this happens, I feel renewed, awakened and more alive. I make a special effort to breathe deeply and appreciate the majesty of what I am witnessing. It sures helps take my mind off the busyness of life and any problems I may be having.

    This morning, I was driving my dog Maggie to a dog daycare so she could run around and have fun with other dogs. It was a bit chilly and foggy. I was more thinking of dropping Maggie off and what I was going to eat once I got back home. Then, I followed a curve on my road and I saw such a gorgeous blend of green fields, fog and sun, as you can see from the image above. It completely brought me back to myself and the present moment.

    I dropped Maggie off and excitedly stopped by the side of the road to take more photos.

    A close up of the same field

    The beauty of the sun, field and clouds were really breathtaking. I felt so blessed and privileged to have extra time this morning to take in this gorgeous display. The funny thing was I had been complaining that my car windows were fogging up, but I quickly stopped after seeing these sights.

    From another angle – how spectacular!

    Whenever I feel anxious or rushed inside, I often get an important reset from nature. I love putting my bare feet on the grass, especially when it is cool and dewy. That feeling brings calmness to every part of me, especially if I can walk around for 5 minutes and take in the sights, feelings and smells.

    Sometimes, just looking up at the sky and turning around so I can see it from every angle is exactly what I need. I especially love watching the clouds move across the sky. They are constantly reinventing themselves; it seems like clouds change shape nearly every second. They remind me that I am not supposed to be or feel the same all the time.

    This image shows more of the clouds

    I am grateful for all the lessons I am learning from nature lately. Those lessons allow me to have more realistic expectations of myself as a human and inspire me to be more gentle and compassionate with myself. They also show me how deep, complex and majestic I am in all of my humanity.

    May you see, hear and feel all the ways that nature, Mother Earth and our great Creator love, nurture and inspire us all. Big hugs 💖💖💖.

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • The Whole Spectrum of Me

    An image of the planets in our solar system orbiting around the sun.
    The Solar System by NASA is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

    Lately I have been more acutely aware of how there is a lot more to me than I thought. I have been using the imagery of our solar system and all of the planets orbiting around the sun to help me.

    When I am lost in thoughts and am overwhelmed, I feel like I am the planet Pluto; orbiting very far away from the sun, my source of life and energy. Many times, I recognize that I am very far from my source and I stop what I am doing to give myself some self-care and to take some deep breaths. I find that is often enough to help me shift away from Pluto’s orbit and to move to an orbit closer to the sun.

    This is a big metaphor, but I think it’s actually really helpful! Imagine this:

    My attempt to explain what I feel about the whole spectrum of my being

    Note: I have learned that Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet, but I grew up with it as a regular planet, so I’ve opted to include it to be sentimental to my inner child.

    Each day, I strive to connect to my centre, the Sun in my solar system, but that doesn’t always feel possible. On those days, I do my best to breathe deeply, to be gentle with myself and to notice what is on the path of my orbit that day, no matter where I am at in my “inner” solar system. Sometimes the way I feel is unpleasant, but I am learning that feeling that way isn’t wrong, it’s just necessary at times. Without those times of being so far from my centre, how would I be able to appreciate it when everything is in perfect harmony and alignment?

    For example, last night I had one of the worst sleeps I’ve had in a long time. I love sleeping, it is enormously helpful and really necessary, especially with chronic fatigue syndrome. I was feeling so many aches in my body and I felt all out of sorts when I woke up. Instead of getting up and dreading the day, I decided to follow along with a progressive muscle relaxation and listen to a guided meditation for a positive start to the day.

    As I followed along with those recordings for 20 minutes, I felt my body starting to tingle and get warmer. It was like my body was helping me to see that by starting the day with self-care, I was moving myself closer to my centre, which was nourishing and helpful.

    I find the longer I spend getting to know myself, the more of an expert I become on being me. I like thinking that I am as complex as a solar system and that each planet and its orbit corresponds to a different aspect of who I am. I don’t think I’m only meant to feel as strong, powerful and life-giving as the sun all the time. In my experience, I grow and evolve so much when I am stuck in one orbit for awhile, even as much as I may not like what I’m experiencing while I’m there.

    Another way to look at this metaphor is to know that we are truly complex beings. If we only focus on one aspect of our lives, we will be out of balance. There are times when we need to spend more time on our career, and others when family life is most important. I think that is great and all of it works, but in my experience, getting nourishment from all aspects of me is very important. I strive to come back to a balanced place as often as I can, especially when I feel that my inner solar system is out of alignment.

    With every breath we all take, may we each feel, acknowledge and sense where we are in our individual solar systems and discern what we need to learn and experience, no matter where we are in our lives. May we all know what we need to return to our life-giving centre to nourish and strengthen us for the days ahead.

    Big hugs,

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • PhD in Being Me – In Action!

    The Lovemobile

    Over the last few years, I have been feeling a growing desire within me to uplift humanity, to make people smile, and to help them feel seen and heard. As a part of this, I was inspired to transform my car into a Lovemobile. I feel good knowing that wherever I drive my car, I am anchoring blessings of compassion, love, acceptance and acknowledgement for people!

    Getting into my car makes me feel so good, so I figure I’m on the right path. I love it when people give me air hugs or thumbs up and I send extra blessings of love to those who turn away from it.

    May seeing these images inspire you to learn more about who you are, what your needs are and what you can do to become the most highly educated expert on being you!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Nothing Wrong

    A chalkboard with the numbers 1 plus 1 equals 3.
    Photo by George Becker on Pexels.com

    Today I had a very important realization. It aligns perfectly with what I have been learning as I’m working towards a PhD in Being Me and it was startling in its simplicity. Here it is:

    “I’m not doing anything wrong. My life is happening exactly the way it needs to, and not because I’ve messed something up.”

    Bradlee Zrudlo

    Here’s how it came about…I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I have been tired for several years now and it is a lot to manage, especially when I overthink things or get too tired to think rationally. Anyway, this morning, I should have been tired. I had a super late night going to the hospital emergency room after finding a tick on me and I only slept for 4 hours. Normally, that would have destroyed me, like I would have been so sensitive to noise, energy, or any type of stimulation, but all day, I have felt fine. I caught myself thinking, “what must I have done differently to not feel so awful after so little sleep,” and that is when I had the realization. The realization that I am not doing anything wrong.

    I don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome because I am doing anything wrong. I am not a sensitive, empathic, easily stressed person because I am doing anything wrong. I am not doing anything wrong. In fact, my life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, to help me to learn, grow, evolve and maybe just to get to this realization, that I am not doing anything wrong.

    I have told myself I’m not doing anything wrong before, but this was different. This came from a wise place inside of me and it was like every cell and fibre of my being was resonating with how great I am, as opposed to wondering what I messed up this time or what I should be doing differently.

    Ahhhh, the sweet liberation of a realization that was a long time coming. I know there will be more and I may get this message that I am not doing anything wrong even deeper into my beingness. For now though, yay! I am not doing anything wrong. I am exactly as I need to be and I’m at exactly the right place in my life, not for any reason, but just because. The universe, God, the Great Creator, they all made me exactly this way, and they don’t come and tell me all the things I’ve done wrong. If anything, they are all rooting for me and it’s my turn to join the party and celebrate the wonderful person I am.

    May you be healed and liberated from your limiting beliefs about yourself and may you know how truly beautiful, perfect, healed and whole you already are. Big hugs!!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.