It’s hard to describe just how much I’ve blamed myself for being unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome. And for how many years, I didn’t even believe I was sick, just that I was tired, and if I could just do the right things, then I wouldn’t be so tired.
I’ve been on disability leave from my work for over a year and I’m still exhausted most days. And my leave was just extended for up to another year. It was only in the last few weeks that I realized, hmmm, I think it’s okay for me to say that I’m sick, not just that I’m so so tired.
The more I learn about trauma, the more the way I have treated myself makes sense. In a way, I’ve been gaslighting myself, not really understanding that I was doing it, or how harmful it really has been. Or that I was repeating patterns of how I’ve been treated as an innocent and unconscious way of keeping myself safe.
I’m navigating the dark depths of my life and what I’ve survived, and the more I navigate, the more I see, understand and relax. And the more I understand that I haven’t done anything wrong. I am sick. I am unwell. And that’s okay. It’s even okay if I never get better. But it’s also okay if I do. None of this is my fault, or is as a result of something I should have done better or differently. It just is.
This morning, I was so tired and I just felt myself laugh and know that I couldn’t keep blaming myself or working so hard to find the one thing or combination of things that will heal me. Instead, I embraced myself, how I feel, where I’m at and the exhaustion, took a bath, and am now going to do whatever most meets my needs throughout the day. And that will be enough. And it’s not wrong, in fact, it’s a gift. To have the time and space to learn how to take care of my deepest needs so that I can rest, rejuvenate and heal. And whether I get better or not, I know I’ll be okay, because I already am despite it all.
I can do this and I believe in myself. I will likely need to reread these words and relearn this lesson a few times, and that’s okay. I’m tired. I’m unwell. I need rest and healing. I am not doing anything wrong and I’m doing okay, just as I am. And I am okay.
May your heart guide you and may you see the good you are despite all you’ve already survived and endured.
Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here. Please read with care 💖.
This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye. I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up.
I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted.
I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.
To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above. It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above. It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.
I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain. I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me. This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world.
This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences. To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).
The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself. My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process. How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones? Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life. It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower.
And so, I will take a deep breath. I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there. I breathe again. And again. And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe. And I breathe again.
I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above. I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me. And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.
One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me. I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.
With love and care, Bradlee
An art piece from nearly a year ago, about finding myself.
It’s the last day of 2025 for me, and I can’t help but think, “wow, this is the last time I’m going to eat lunch in 2025,” and “this is my last day in 2025, I’d love to make sure I enjoy the little moments.” Transitioning to a new year feels like a big deal to me, especially this year.
At the start of 2025, I participated in an art workshop for women, and I created a piece that was about giving myself permission to put myself first and to take care of my health.
My 2025 art piece
As I look back on 2025, I see how much I’ve been doing that. I’ve been learning so much and I am so proud of the changes I’ve made, the work I’ve done and the person I am becoming. I hung this canvas right by my bed and it is really refreshing to look at it when I wake up, go to bed and when I’m resting during the day.
I called 2025, “The Year of Self-Care,” with the words, “no more self-sacrifice, giving myself permission to heal, restore and be,” as a guide. I have been off work for over a year now to take care of my health and I’ve been taking steps to get to know myself more, to acknowledge, hold and heal my pain and to learn strategies for making healthier choices as I navigate life with chronic fatigue syndrome.
I don’t have life figured out any more than any one else, but I do know that I need rest. I’ve been learning how to give myself more quality rest and tools to help bring greater safety to my nervous system. Both of those are major accomplishments for me, woohoo!
I was inspired to reflect on 2025 and to get ready for 2026 by Self-Love Rainbow. In their December 29th newsletter, they recommended finding a word of the year. I love the content from Self-Love Rainbow because it’s always so full of compassion, care, respect, inspiration and cuteness. These are the prompts from their newsletter (in quotation marks) that I’m going to complete for myself below too:
“Choose Your Word of the Year: Choose a word-of-the-year to guide how you want to feel or show up this year. Not a goal. Not a personality overhaul. Just a concept you want to bring into your life.”
– My word of the year is rest.
“One Word for 2025: In the middle of a piece of paper, write down one word that describes this year. Then branch off from that and describe the things that made it feel that way. Honest answers only. Hard words are allowed.”
– Hard work! I know it’s supposed to be one word, but that is the main theme of this year. I applied for disability, advocated for myself, went to many appointments, tried so hard to fix myself, and then through therapy, started to slowly decompress and relax into being as I am. I am still slowing down from all the years where I kept going with chronic fatigue syndrome, even after a year off work. I think that speaks volumes to how much pressure I was putting on myself and how hard I was working to keep going. Both of those made it harder to feel into how I was actually doing physically and emotionally because I was so panicked about not applying for disability.
So ya, hard work really describes this year, so does slowing down, exploring permission for myself, developing more compassion for myself, learning to hug myself on the inside, learning to speak about my hurt and bring it to life through art therapy, learning to notice when I was making decisions that weren’t in my best interests and learning why I was doing that, etc. I’ve really loved 2025, as hard as it’s been. I feel reborn even though I’m unwell and exhausted. It’s like my spirit is feeling renewed and seen, and that’s really refreshing. May that continue!
“One Word for Your Needs Right Now: If your body or heart could speak in one word, what would it ask for?”
-Rest!
“One Word for Who You Are: Not who you should be. But the person you are when no one else is asking something from you.”
-Relaxed. Quiet. Reflecting. Peaceful. Sad. Lonely. Healing. Learning. Evolving. Shedding. I couldn’t just think of one word, because I often feel different, depending on what is going on.
My word for 2026 is rest, and as a part of that, I’d like to focus on being exactly as I am, not better, not healed, not like I was when I was younger, but me, all of me, exactly as I am each day, even if it’s uncomfortable to be me. I’d like to not fight myself in 2026, but turn towards myself with open arms and a willingness to learn, hold space for myself and love myself. I don’t need to excel at this, but gently aim for it, give myself grace and compassion on the hard days and know that’s okay even if I resist my life or fight myself sometimes.
May your 2026 be full of peace, grace, ease, happiness and joy. And if you need inspiration to reflect on 2026, I totally recommend checking out Self-Love Rainbow’s site and workbooks (no pressure!). I’ve learned a lot about myself from their helpful and sweet tools!
Resourcing art – I am worthy of taking this time to reset, rest and heal
In the last year, I have been learning the concept of “resourcing.” The way I understand it, resourcing is a way of building up your inner resources of reserves through doing things that nourish you and replenish you. I started really delving into making resourcing art after I started working with an incredibly wonderful and supportive art therapist in February 2025. She taught me that it’s important to build up your resources before delving into heavy topics, like trauma, and that it’s important to do that afterwards too.
I go through time periods where so much healing happens over the course of a few weeks, and she’s taught me that I packed my bags, went on the journey, climbed the mountain (the grit phase) and then afterwards I need to give myself grace, and unpack the bags, and build up my resources before the next adventure/exploration of my inner world.
I love that concept so much. It helps me be kinder to myself and to know that I can listen to the rhythms of my body and heart and follow them without shame or judgement. It’s like a breath of fresh air.
I went through a lot of healing in November of this year, and for the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of resourcing. For me that looks like following along with various deep breathing meditations, doing activities to stimulate the rest and digest part of my nervous system, doing lymphatic system exercises, going for a few more short walks, and doing some nourishing resourcing art.
Here are a few examples of my resourcing art from the last year:
I had so much fun painting these guys from a go fish deck of cardsI used an art book for kids for inspiration for this oneOtters make me so happy!I cut out Christmas paper into Christmas shapes and made a super cute scene
Resourcing art for me is not about trying to be really good at art, it’s more about letting my younger self have some fun and be soothed through creativity, and focus. I have also been copying some designs from a beautiful art book I borrowed from the library and there is something so soothing about following directions to make the art. It’s takes the thought out of it and just allows me to relax and create. Here are some examples:
My art based on Olivia A. Kneibler’s book, “The Art of Drawing Dangles.”
What I love most about resourcing art and other resourcing activities is that they give me a chance to tune in to what I need. It’s lovely to take a moment and get quiet to learn what I need in that moment, or if I can’t get quiet inside, then to just start copying some art out and allowing it to soothe me. I find puzzles very soothing too, especially if my mind is racing. It gives me a chance to organize the pieces, which apparently stimulates dopamine, which is a feel good chemical in the brain.
As we approach the end of 2025, may we all be inspired with creative, caring and compassionate ways to meet ourselves where we are and to take some time to identify what will help us feel more balanced, happy, healthy and at peace.
Through art therapy, I’ve been learning how to translate my feelings into art. Doing this makes them much less scary, and more understandable. It’s also helped me feel more compassion for myself.
Today, I felt, saw and located a certain emotion in my body. It was very intense and one I have suppressed for a long time. I had become an expert in shoving that feeling down whenever it tried to emerge. Well, I thought I was an expert at it. The truth is that I was spending a lot of time and energy trying to contain a part of me that just needed love. I understand why I did that and how that behavior was necessary for a long time. Today though, I turned to face it and said, “hey, I am sorry for pushing you down. I am here now, how can I help?”
I started to hear about that part’s pain, what words it was screaming and I got insights into all the times I felt that way. That part of me was needing translation. It needed me to be brave, to take the uncomfortable feelings and sensations and hold space for them to be translated into something very tangible and relatable.
My hurt was transformed from scary, alien, and evil to vulnerable, hurting, and very, very worthy. I feel softer inside and better able to help myself going forward. That feels like a significant step towards getting a PhD in Being Me. I am so incredibly grateful for the connection I made with myself today and I look forward to learning more and developing a deeper relationship with that part of myself 💕💕.
No matter where you are in life, may you be blessed with serenity, peace, courage, all the support you need and more. With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for greater unity and harmony within ourselves and among all beings.
It’s been several months since I have written on my blog. I’ve been having a tough time and have needed (and continue to need) deep quiet time.
Just this week, I remembered how nourishing it is for me to read my own words. I was feeling the nudge to write again, which I haven’t felt for some time.
Writing gives me a chance to spend time with myself, open up wellsprings of thoughts and feelings, and feel myself healing as I let the words flow from and through me.
I sometimes start writing with a topic in mind and other times, I can feel some pressure or tension that is seeking liberation, and writing often soothes those feelings.
Over the last 10 years, I’ve been learning about loving myself and being compassionate with myself. It’s been incredibly rewarding to make changes in my life towards greater self-love and self-compassion. Recently though, I discovered how hard I was still being on myself and how judgemental I was being.
I have struggled with my physical and mental health for most of my life. I would describe myself as being at rock bottom this year. And yet, it’s taken being here, at the bottom, to truly see how deep-rooted my self-judgement has been.
I have been doing a lot of work in therapy, including art therapy, and its really teaching me how to become an even safer space for myself. To acknowledge what I have survived, what I learned as a result, and to have compassion for the scars and the pain I have.
Late last week, I started feeling like a failure because I haven’t “cured” myself of my debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome. I’ve had this thought over and over for years. Through what I learned in art therapy, I finally saw how judgemental that was of me and I chose to give myself more compassion instead. It’s been a nice change.
I know there is a long road ahead for me that requires patience, compassion, rest, love and time. I am finally starting to feel worthy of giving myself all of that and knowing that my life matters even through this time of rock bottom.
And so I write. I create art. I breathe. I cry. I rest. I hear the whispers of my heart and the forest as they guide me. I complete my disability paperwork and feel all the tough feelings. I laugh. I garden. I sit. I mourn. I decompose and wait to see what grows.
Will the decision I make leave me drained, emotionally and physically
Or will it fill up my heart’s cup enough to offset the fatigue that will surely come?
This delicate balancing act of trying to conserve my limited energy while still making sure I feel good with the life I am living despite my disability
Is tiring
It’s delicate
It’s wearing me down
Now that I have stopped and given myself permission to be exactly where I am, the true depth, delicacy and precariousness of my health is more evident
I keep going because to stop would be worse. Completing chores, walking, doing mild exercises, running errands, talking to friends, family and neighbors, crafting, reading. Those are all things I use my energy for. It makes me so sad that sometimes just going for a walk is too much, or that spending time with friends makes me feel so good, but then I feel so much worse the next day.
Like I said, it’s delicate.
I have been learning that there is true power in being vulnerable and owning my life from the inside out, even if I’d rather not have chronic fatigue syndrome. And so I write and I share and I hope that my words help you feel seen and validated.
No matter what you are balancing, and how delicate it is, you are worthy of being seen, acknowledged, appreciated and respected, exactly as you are. With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for a more inclusive, accepting and respectful world.
Sometimes I feel like I wish I could be seen more deeply and completely.
Sometimes I feel so tired it’s hard to do much.
Sometimes I feel like my being is surrounded by mist and I need the sun to rise more to transform it.
Today feels joyous and celebratory, but heavy with a deep mist that has permeated my being. It’s amazing how I can feel all of that at once. Isn’t being a human amazing, miraculous, hard and wild?
I have decided to start writing more. When I write, I witness myself, and the heavy mists lessen, like I am my own sunshine, rising up within me, bringing light, new possibilities and strength to myself, just like our sun does for us and our planet.
As I write this, I can already feel the lightness spreading, reminding me of how okay I am, even when my heart needs extra hugs, and especially when my hurts arise and need me to give myself more love, compassion and support.
And so, I smile, I write, and I unite within me with every word I type.
A slow burn campfire
Last week, I had a campfire with and for myself. It started out really blazing, and I decided to take a photo when it was at its slow burn point. I was really struck by the white logs and the small flames dancing between the logs. It served as a metaphor for my healing journey. Every day and year, I grow and heal, not in a bonfire way, but in a slow burn way that allows me to feel, process, integrate and heal.
Do I ever wish I could just hurry it up and be better faster? YES! Definitely. But, I know these wounds have been here for a long time, including from generations past, and I am learning to breathe, to be, to honour my wounded parts, and to hold space for them to heal and integrate fully into my beingness.
And so I breathe, smile, write and relax. May this post make you feel seen, witnessed and honoured in all the ways that you need.
I will sign off wishing you all my best, lots of care, and many opportunities to know and feel how special you are.
Big hugs,
Bradlee, and Maggie and Archie, respectively, as seen below
I find it important lately to find inspiration from all possible sources. I have been worn down by circumstances in my life, and I have felt how dysregulated my nervous system is and how truly exhausted I have been in all aspects of my being.
I have taken several months off work to take better care of myself and my family as we navigate these challenges, and it feels amazing. I am noticing just how tired, anxious and overstimulated I am, and I am paying attention. It is a true gift to have this time to feel, notice and take care of myself and our family.
I have been off work for a month, and I am really noticing what a boost I get from inspiring events and things. For example, I went to my gorgeous niece’s beautiful wedding and it was so heart warming and incredible. Getting an opportunity to celebrate two people in love made me feel amazing. It really shows on my face in all of our photos (I am the one with the long hair).
Getting to witness the Northern Lights in my own backyard also filled me with awe and wonder at our magnificent planet and cosmos. Yes, I am one tired, stressed out lady, but the Lights were dancing regardless, and they made me feel wonderful.
Sometimes, as the sun rises or sets, it just hits the top of the trees, and makes the dew on them sparkle. I love it when that happens! The other morning, the sun rose and highlighted the spectacular colors of the leaves, while leaving the ground in darkness.
Life is tough sometimes, and I don’t always like how I feel. If you are like me and you are grateful for so much, but also so very tired or any other feeling state, I send you a big hug. May lots of beautiful inspiration come your way and uplift you.
A beautiful, safe and enclosed path through the forest in my backyard
Things have been tough for me lately. Over the past few months, I have been learning more about trauma, the major impact it’s had on me, and how it is the root of so much of my struggles.
I have been at low points in my life, but none have felt quite so low as what I felt a few weeks ago. In an attempt to process and understand my feelings, I wrote these words:
I am here, learning anew how to hold space for my most vulnerable, broken, victimized and traumatized parts.
I am here, learning to hold deeper and more compassionate space for the parts of me who have been dragged through life, so terrified of the wounds being created and the deep hurt and fear that stays behind.
I am here, picking myself up, untying the knots that have kept me bound and frozen, unable to stand and claim my safety.
I am here, learning to become the safety and presence I have so deeply needed and desired.
I am here, feeling broken and exhausted, but hopeful for my emergence as all I have ever needed.
I am here, breathing and smiling, it feels lovely to even dream of finally starting to feel more safe, held and supported, within and outside of me.
I am here, writing this to show myself how much I matter.
I am here.
A lot of my writing has the words, “I am here.” I think that is because no matter how hard things may be, at least I can still be here with myself. When I was younger, I didn’t know how to do that, and I spent quite a bit of time numb and disassociated from my experience.
Learning how to be present through my feelings is a very positive and courageous change, even though it’s uncomfortable and I’d sometimes rather run away. Instead, I am writing, putting my hand on my heart and saying nice things to myself, and getting support. No matter what you are going through, I hope you have all the support within and around you to ease your struggles.
I will end this post by sharing another photo from the forest on the land where I live. May it soothe your soul. With so much kindness and care, thanks for reading!
PhD in Being Me 