PhD in Being Me

Category: Self-Reflection

  • Being while doing

     

    An early morning sun shining through clouds and trees
    A lovely moment when I stopped, took in the beauty of the sunrise and basked in its glory

    I really liked the subject of yesterday’s post, remembering the human in all of us (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/07/13/for-the-human-in-all-of-us/). Today, I am taking the concept a bit further by explaining my own troubles with losing myself in doing things.

    When I am tired, which is often because I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities.  When I am in that place, walking the dogs is not a pleasure, it’s a chore, taking care of the chickens is mechanical and cleaning or washing up feels like I am dragging my body around.  It’s a really sad state of affairs, but it’s the honest truth sometimes.  Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how being miserable while living my life isn’t ideal, in fact it’s just really sad and not what I want. 

    I’ve decided to start being while doing.  What I mean is this: When I check on the chickens, I want to see them, be with them, and honor them and me.  It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit with them for an hour and talk to each of them. It more means that I will take the time to look at and be with them while I check on them.  Would I like to interact with them when I check on them?  Would it bring me joy to stop, bend down, notice the gorgeous reflection of the sun in their feathers, and how soft they feel on my fingertips?  I think it’s a simple change, but one that can have a beautiful and miraculous impact for me and those I am interacting with, including the chickens, dogs, my family, co-workers, the plants in my garden and my home while I take care of it.

    I have known this for a long time, I’ve written poems about it as a way of teaching myself to be present and mindful and appreciative of my life, even the less enjoyable parts, while I’m living it.  What I’m realizing lately is that I had forgotten about it among the various stressors with my health, my family’s health and the state of the world, especially after the covid battle. 

    How do you feel while reading this post?  Do you resonate with what I’m sharing?  Would you like to shine more of the light of your beautiful heart and mind on the tasks you do in your life?  If so, I invite you to join me.  If you don’t know how, I’ll share a bit about what works for me to bring my presence to my life:

    • I look in the mirror when I’m in the washroom and I make sure I make eye contact with myself.  I usually smile too, even if I’m not feeling great that day, just to give myself a little boost and some care, right from me to me.
    • I try not to rush around doing chores.  I make a list and identify the ones I really have to do, and I give myself permission to go at the pace that feels best for me.  Playing some great music seems to remind me to enjoy life while doing chores too.  Dancing or singing while cleaning reminds me of my humanity.
    • I remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing.  I take my time when I need to use the washroom, instead of just treating it like a means to an end.
    • Before I walk the dogs, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself how much I love them.  If the walk is stressful, I sing gently to myself or go through what I’m grateful for, or what I wish I could be grateful for (thanks for that tip Matt Kahn!).
    • I take short breathing breaks throughout the day to give my body more of the vitality that comes from consciously attending to my breath. 

    Over the next few posts, I’ll share some of my poetry that speaks to this topic.  With every breath you take, may you know, feel and sense your beautiful presence and may you feel the majesty and the grace of the light of your own care and attention.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Protecting innocence

    A heartfelt video from me and our 4 week old chicks

    A few weeks ago, I wrote about the death of one of our 2 day old baby chicks: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/06/02/making-peace-with-suffering/

    It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot.  In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity.  They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away. 

    I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity.  We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away.  I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/

    Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others.  I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own.  On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.

    Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!

    One of our 4 week old baby chicks
    Look at this sweetie!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • When I falter – an exploration of faith

    A blue heron, standing on a old piece of wood on a body of water.
    Photo by Frank Cone on Pexels.com

    In 2018, I went through several months of exploring my faith. I don’t have a religion, although I was baptized Christian. For many years now, I’ve been learning about God, Creator, the Universe in my own way, and it has felt really important and authentic for me. The text below was really about me trying to make sense of what I was feeling during a very turbulent time, and learning how to have faith in God. This post is in honor of my precious friend, Carla.

    When I falter


    There are times when I falter. I forget how special and important I am, and I rely on my decision making skills from my past, and I slip back into the fog of unconsciousness. I again wear the cloak of darkness that makes it so it doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal to make choices that aren’t the best for me. I am able to rationalize most anything when I am wearing that cloak. God loves me so much, He makes it easy for me to don the cloak so that I get the pleasure and challenge of finding my way back home to Him, to my Heart, to my healthiest ways of living. It’s like I get a chance to relearn faith each and every time. It is like with each time I can take the cloak off and hang it up on a hanger that is farther and farther away from me.


    May I honor that cloak and our Lord as one and the same, as they are both my greatest teachers, and
    each just teaches me from a different perspective. One is not better than the other and it is time for me to forgive myself for all the times I put on the cloak of darkness and forgot my heart’s song. God was with me, singing the song for me each time I wore the cloak and the reason why it feels so beautiful and free when I take the cloak off is because that is when I sing along with God and remember that I’ve never been alone and that I have a beautiful voice and a very sacred song to sing. Sat Naam.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Shattered Innocence

    A dead flower with snow in the background.
    Photo by Eva Bronzini on Pexels.com

    Sometimes life is just so disappointing, so much so that one’s heart breaks and it feels like all the good inside has died. This poem is about those types of day. As I wrote it, it felt very sad and angry. As I kept writing, I felt like my shattered innocence was giving me a different way to view those disappointments and shattering. Can you see the shift or feel in the poem too? Xoxoxo

    Thanks for reading!

    Shattered Innocence – a poem

    I greeted today with an open heart and much excitement.

    I try to approach every day like that, to be the one who brings love to the world, to the little moments, to every moment.

    It gets impossible though when life seems to want to crush that from within me.

    When it shares the most horrendous secrets of humanity with me and my innocence shatters and expires before I can even react to protect it.

    Humanity seems to have this festering abscess right on it’s heart and it’s wanting to burst open and ooze it’s putrescence over everything.

    I want to rage and scream and stop all of the suffering. I want to slap people and tell them to wake up, to stop, to appreciate life, to appreciate the good in it all. To see how much trauma, suffering and awfulness there is and to choose love. To stop spewing vile hatred and to start the healing.

    AAAARGHHHHH.

    Purest, delicate beauty.

    Tender innocence.

    Soft, gentle and caring heart.

    So perfect, so beautiful and so vulnerable to this world’s vile acts of hatred and suffering.

    Oh my tender, tender innocence.

    I wish I could protect you better, and wrap you up in a soft blanket, like I would a precious newborn, to keep you safe from all the suffering in this world.

    Now that we’ve reconnected, I don’t want to lose you all over again to the darkness and horrendous pain that is spewing out of humanity’s abscess of pain and torture and hatred.

    I see it pulsating and getting thinner just as it explodes sending shards of pain, torture and hatred everywhere.

    I want to shelter you, protect you and stop this hurting you feel.

    Is there anything I can do for you?

    Is there any way I can support you better when you are exposed to such negativity, suffering and unconscionable things?

    Oh, you want to be tucked into my heart for bedtime?

    You’d like me to read you a nice story and remind you of the good in the world?

    Okay, precious one, let’s do that. You are so beautiful, resilient and courageous.

    Please continue to teach me how to nurture you and look after you when you shatter.

    I’m so grateful to learn that the shattering isn’t permanent.

    Thank you for teaching me dearest innocence.

    Thank you.

    An early spring morning sunset
    After writing this, I felt renewed and ready for the day. Just like this beautiful sun rising up in the morning.

  • Reaching in, Reaching out

    Frost patterns on the wood of a deck
    Frost patterns that mirror the natural and raw beauty of what is described in my poem below

    Reaching in, reaching out

    I see an image of me reaching in.

    Reaching inwards to the depths of my being, reaching to find myself.

    I feel myself stirring, awakening and stretching.

    I hear the giant yawn that slowly turns into a growl, then grows louder

    And louder

    Until it roars with the joy of its awakening.

    I hear that roar and I smile. 

    I stand up straighter, taller and with more power coursing through my limbs.

    My smile broadens as I know that I am now more whole, stronger, more complete.

    I no longer feel like I’m reaching in, but instead, that I’m reaching out

    That my long lost self is reaching out to me, thanking me for my patience while it slumbered, rested, and built up strength for the next phase of my life.

    It is reaching out and upwards while simultaneously filling my entire being with its strength, power and wisdom.

    With every breath I take, may I feel more united with this gorgeous, wild and untamed part of myself.

    May I listen to its roar and its desires and hear its wishes.

    May I know that I am the soft whispers I have been feeling for the last several years and this incredible new roar that has emerged.

    Reaching in, reaching out.

    Whispering and roaring.

    Together once again, in and out.

    Whole.

     

     

  • How I Feel is Nobody’s Fault

    The sun shining behind tree branches covered in ice.
    The sun setting through ice covered tree branches

    For as long as I can remember, I haven’t taken responsibility for how I feel. I have blamed or resented other people, thinking it was their fault I was mad, sad, disempowered, or overwhelmed.

    I have related to life as a victim for a very long time. I even remember writing in my diary in grade 6 and thinking to myself, “Ah, look at that, this is the role I will be playing in my life.” It was like my inner wisdom was observing me taking on the persona of victimhood.

    I have had a lifetime of Oscar worthy performances as a victim, with many breakthroughs over the years where I live from a more empowered and confident place. Thankfully, through my efforts to get to know, love, and care for myself, I am seeing the role of “victim” for what it is, a role.

    Maybe as I get closer to getting a PhD in Being Me, I am also becoming my own casting director in the play of my life. Maybe I am also the executive producer, star performer, prompter, props person, and even playwright. Maybe that’s why I recently had the thought: How I feel is nobody’s fault.

    I first had that thought while I was walking the dogs in mid-January. It was like I stepped outside of myself and looked at my life from a place of emotional freedom, and those words, “How I feel is nobody’s fault,” trickled into my being and unshackled me. This was very profound for me because of my pattern of blaming and resenting others instead of taking responsibility for myself.

    For example, with chronic fatigue syndrome, I have limited energy each day. Sometimes, when I was especially tired, I would resent my chores, my job, my body, my family, or my dogs. It has been hard for me to remember deep in my being that it is no one’s fault I am so tired or that I choose to resent or blame instead of just being tired. The truth is, I have been resenting and blaming for a long time, way before I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue. That realization of “how I feel is nobody’s fault” has shifted my perspective to one where I can take responsibility for how I feel, which frees me from blame, resentment, and perpetual victimhood.

    For two days after those words, “How I feel is nobody’s fault,” I kept repeating that realization to myself and feeling the freedom within it. I was more liberated in terms of how I related to others and the responsibilities in my life. It was heavenly. I then was thrust back into feeling like a victim until that freedom and sense of peace and self autonomy came back to me.

    I expect that I will cycle through this realization as it deepens and loosens up those rigid, disempowered aspects of my being until I am more free, autonomous, and accountable to and responsible for myself. May the loosening and softening be as loving, gentle, and respectful as possible for me, for you dear reader, and for all. No force or pressure, just beautiful dawning and expanding of autonomy in all aspects of our individual and collective beingness.

    A NOTE: This realization stems from me relating to life as a victim. This realization is from my inner work and isn’t meant to tell anyone who is being abused or hurt by another in any way that it is not their abusers fault. Abuse of any kind is not okay, and it is wrong. If you are in an abusive situation, I love you, and it is not your fault. I encourage you to reach out to loved ones or professional support where you live, and may you receive all the love, support, and care you need.

    Thank you for reading. Wherever you are in your life or how you are feeling, I support you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • How a total lunar eclipse helped me

    Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, but I also have a huge heart, a cute innocence about the way I interact with the world, a love of swearing, a tall, strong body and an awakening consciousness that sometimes truly humbles and astounds me.

    That was a long sentence, but it was needed to show the greater totality of me. I am not just one aspect of my beingness, I am it all. And no one part is any greater or less worthy than other, and that is what the total lunar eclipse I witnessed the other day reminded me of.

    My husband Robbin told us that we could witness the eclipse between 3 and 6am. I thought it would be awesome to observe but sleep is very critical to my days so I didn’t plan to wake up. At 4:30am though, I felt this call from deep within me to awaken. It was really different than how I usually wake up in the early morning hours, it really was a calling. When I woke up enough, I realized it was the eclipse calling to me.

    I hurried out of bed and went out onto the back deck, and there it was. A gorgeous full moon that was so bright but with a significant portion of it covered in darkness. I felt so alive and grateful, I stayed out there getting colder and feeling the beauty and power in what I was so blessed to witness.

    I climbed back into bed and opened the curtains so I could watch the transition to a full eclipse while lying down. It was an incredible and awe-inspiring experience. I got to watch our backyard and the moon transform from fully illuminated to being covered in darkness, just like in the image at the top of this post.

    I ran outside again as there was only the tiniest sliver of light showing on the edge of the moon. I drank in the magic and mystery of this beautiful eclipse and it fed me deep in my soul and bones. I couldn’t seem to get enough. As I returned to bed and continued to watch, I saw the parallel between the total lunar eclipse and my life.

    It seemed like the time leading up to the total eclipse went by very quickly, but when the moon was completely dark, it stayed that way for so long. While totally dark, the moon was deep orange/brown, which showed me that the light reflecting off the moon was still there, and was likely visible in other parts of the world (I am no astronomer 😁).

    Seeing how long the moon was covered in darkness made me think of my chronic fatigue. I mentioned in earlier posts how I used to think I was doing something wrong by being so drained and tired. The eclipse showed me how even a miraculous process to witness has a process and stages, just like me.

    The phase of total darkness was no less incredible than gazing at a bright full moon in the sky. It was equally worthy of my awe and attention, if not more worthy because it only happens rarely as opposed to the near daily experience I have of seeing the moon in the sky.

    The total lunar eclipse reminded me that there is beauty, worth and value in our most dark stages, and that darkness is not synonymous with bad. In fact, I have learned so much about self-love, self-care and compassion for myself and others through this time period in my life. Thank you total lunar eclipse and chronic fatigue. Thank you for your gifts. With every breath I take, may I be open to receiving them and less in a hurry to move past this important and worthy phase of my life.

    No matter where you are in life with your physical, emotional, energetic, financial, or spiritual health, may you be blessed with an abundance of love, peace, inspiration, clarity and heavily light to guide you.

    With love, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Messages in the wind

    Messages in the wind

    I live in Kemptville, Ontario, Canada and right now, it is fall.  Fall is such a gorgeous season.  It’s a time when our trees explode into gorgeous bright colors, almost like a celebration before the depth of slumber during winter.  I love fall.  It’s a time of transition, of nature celebrating her glory and beauty and the air is so crisp and fresh.  I feel like the wind carries different messages in the fall; messages of reassurance, strength and empowerment to help us through winter.

    Winter can be such a time of quiet, reflection, self-care and cocooning and fall is the turning point.  We’re at the point in fall now where there is still so much beauty, colour and bird song that fills our ears, eyes and hearts.  For whatever reason, even as the leaves fall off the trees, I don’t usually feel sad.  I feel full of hope, possibility and power.  Because of this, I look to nature for inspiration to confirm and deepen these feelings.

    Beautiful Maggie leading the way through the forest

    I live on a precious piece of land that has 12 acres of forest.  The other day, as I was crunching through leaves on the paths in the woods, I thought about how full the forest is at this time.  Despite the fact that the leaves will all fall off, the forest feels like it wants to showcase it’s beauty and splendor.  I find that fascinating.  Even though a temporary death will be occurring, there is such celebration in the air.  I have been stopping to look up at all the leaves, with their bright colors of red, gold, yellow, orange and green, and I’ve been drinking in their celebration.  I can feel it nourishing me deep in my soul. 

    A beautiful cluster of trees showcasing their colorful transformation

    I’ve been looking for other signs of inspiration too, not just from the trees and their gorgeous canopies above me, but on the ground.  This fall season, I have been more fascinated by the mushrooms in the forest.  Mushrooms burst up from the decay on the forest floor.  They are born from what is decomposing, they have short lives, and some of them are poisonous or deadly.  I saw these mushrooms the other day, and they reminded me of me. 

    There they are, emerging from under a bed of pine needs, just like I am emerging from so much transformation, healing and pain.  Those mushrooms gave me so much strength – they were born from decomposition. I am being rebirthed in this phase of my life, what is no longer serving me is decomposing and is fueling the me who is emerging.  How glorious.  I can draw inspiration from the trees who are celebrating what is leaving, and do the same.  I am like the trees and the mushrooms.

    I had the privilege to meet with an Indigenous Elder many years ago at a lodge.  I had been getting messages from seagulls and learning more about our connection to the Earth and I asked for some guidance about how to move forward with my new connections.  He taught me about how the Creator has given us everything we need and that there are messages for us everywhere.  I love being rested and open enough to hear the whispers in the wind and to be able to receive them and their gifts in my heart. 

    In a future post, I’ll share about the various messages I have received from birds. In the meantime, may you feel and be so loved each and every day, no matter what type of transformation you may be going through.  May you also be blessed to receive the messages that our beautiful Earth Mother shares with us through all of her gorgeous and precious creations. 

    I find these look like sea shells!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Moving Forward

    “Sometimes I feel stuck and I want to blame everyone else for that feeling. Then I remember that I am the one who has the power to make the choices I need to feel healthier, more acknowledged and validated and to move myself forward.”

    Bradlee Zrudlo

    Over the last several years, I have been learning to acknowledge and validate my feelings instead of shoving them down. This has been a humongous change for me and it has liberated me from stagnating and stewing on repressed emotions; well, most of the time.

    It is a huge gift I have given myself to do this, but I see how I sometimes get stuck in hanging out with my feelings and I forget to move forward in my life. It’s like I have been so focused on showing myself that I will no longer abandon myself, that I sometimes forget about how good and satisfying taking action feels.

    I have been creating a beautiful garden within myself and I have been taking the time to nurture it, water it, weed it and shine the light of my attention on it. I see, feel and know what a beautiful gift I have given myself and I am tremendously honoured to have the opportunity to turn my life around in this way.

    What I see now is that I am so well cared for on the inside and I am no longer the same frail version of myself I used to be. In writing this post, I see how it is time for me to expand my garden, to explore life out from under the wave of the precious cocoon that has kept me so safe and nurtured. Whenever I feel small now, I see that I can hold my own hand from within and take a step to move me forward in life. By approaching life in this way, I am not stagnating in blame or resentment as if there are people who are holding me back, but rather, I am seeing that the permission I need to move forward is always mine to give myself.

    With every breath I take, may my education in the art and science of being me deepen, with the utmost of love and respect for all that I am. May that same blessing be extended to all people on our sweetie planet.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

    Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com