PhD in Being Me

Tag: anger

  • Giving my anger a voice

    An empty field with a darkening sky with a magnificent thin stretch of pink clouds at the horizon.

    In my life, I have not been kind to my anger. I have denied it, suppressed it and turned it inwards instead of giving it a voice.  I specifically remember times when I felt anger building within me and I told it and myself that I wanted to be nice and that my anger had no right to take over like that.

    I have long known that I really harmed myself by taking that approach, and over the past several years, i have been learning how to feel anger, trust myself with anger, and to give it a voice.

    I have written several blog posts and poems about anger, and have talked about my feelings of anger with others, but deep down, I still felt ashamed of my anger.  I was giving myself permission to feel and experience it, but on one level, I was still not okay with anger.

    Yesterday, I learned again that anger can be suppressed passion that needs to be expressed.  I can give my anger room to breathe by expressing it creatively and artistically.  Not by continuing to shove it down or judge it, but by capturing its full intensity through my writing, drawing, cooking, and whatever creative ways I can give it an uncensored voice.  I acknowledge that throwing sticks or rocks while yelling is also very effective! I really enjoy doing that!

    Learning about expressing my anger creatively gave me a deeper sense of peace.  Feeling and expressing anger are a part of life, and I am learning it is safe for me to experience and express it.  I can give myself full and complete permission to feel and express anger, even if sometimes I’d rather feel differently. 

    Thank you precious anger.  

    Thank you for coming to the surface of my being and refusing to stay banished within me.  

    Thank you for erupting from my depths to teach me about my worthiness, the importance of boundaries and needing space, and to trust instead of punish myself.

    Thank you for giving me permission to be all of myself and for shedding guilt and shame about being a fully feeling human.

    Thank you for energizing and galvanizing me during times of injustice.  I love feeling the surge of anger that precedes me taking action to right a wrong, it is truly magnificent. 

    Thank you dearest body, mind, heart and soul for giving me the space and time to deny my anger, even though I was denying myself.

    Thank you for reading this post.

    Thank you, I am smiling.  May we all be blessed with liberation from suffering, and the freedom to feel, trust and safely exptess our emotions.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Inflammation – a poem

    A bonfire with tall, leaping flames

    I feel inflamed

    The linings of my blood vessels, organs, brain and tissues

    Are swollen

    And I feel anger, irritation and sadness flowing through my body

    I want to rage, avoid it and yell

    But in truth, I think it is just here

    Begging to be loved

    Begging to be felt, honored and held with every breath I take

    So much pain

    so much loss

    so much chaos in the world

    And my body is mirroring that and helping me to feel it

    I pause

    I inhale

    and hold sacred space for these feelings

    And exhale and repeat

    And repeat for as long as it takes for these feelings to be acknowledged, seen, heard, felt and loved for the well-being and benefit of all

    A large peace symbol covered with leaves and flowers.
    May peace reign on our planet and in the minds, hearts and souls of all

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

     

  • A little space

    Do you ever feel like you need a little space? Gosh, I know I do! If you can relate to the facial expressions below, please read on and check out my video further down ❤️❤️.

    Me with my hand covering half my face.
    I am smiling here and resting my head on my forehead. Sometimes I add some swearing too
    Me, with my head tilted to the side with a "oh no, not again" expression on my face.
    This is my “no, not again” face. It’s usually for the dogs, and may be accompanied by swearing
    Me with an attempt at making an irritated look, with one eyebrow down and a frown.
    I had fun with these photos. This one is half irritated, half me trying to capture my exasperation for you.

    Sometimes, you need a little space. When life feels like too much, when there is too much to do, or too many demands from others on your time. A little space is a free and easy way to rebalance and recharge so you can come back to feeling like yourself.

    I fully acknowledge that the more stress and pressure in life, the more space is needed. Sometimes we can give that to ourselves, but sometimes we can’t because we are caretakers, or our work requires it. In this short video, I give a few examples of how you can give yourself some space.

    I was inspired to put this post together this afternoon because I needed space big time. It’s felt like a big week, and I am tired out today. My dogs seem to know when I am more tired, and they push the boundaries hard as a result. I yelled at them earlier and just felt so crowded. I recognize this may not seem like a big deal, but I am recovering from a lifetime of letting others take up my personal space, and my dogs are my best teachers. I get so harried and overwhelmed when my boundaries are violated, and I decided to make a change this afternoon to help myself out.

    I had a quick errand to run, so I thought that would be a way to get some space. I almost came back home right away, but I decided to pause and consider what would help me the most. I decided to get some gas for my Lovemobile (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/07/04/phd-in-being-me-in-action/) and some fries, and it made a huge difference. I don’t think it was about the fries or seeing people at the gas station. I think it was much more about needing to do my own thing, by myself, so I could recharge. And even recognizing that I needed that time out of the house.

    From my heart to yours, here are some other ways I have found to get a little space while not leaving my home:

    • Pulling up weeds is a free way to connect with nature, get your feelings out and be outside
    • Washing dishes while playing your favorite song
    • Taking a longer than usual shower or bath and enjoying the feeling of the water
    • Saying no to demands from everyone and enjoying something that brings pleasure or smiles to your heart
    • Lying on your bed when you can be alone and spending 5 minutes deep breathing
    • Looking at yourself in the mirror and smiling and saying nice things to yourself, even if you look and feel like shit. This is very effective for me. It allows me to show up for and see myself, even in my worst moments.

    I first really understood the true value of space from Matt Kahn, a spiritual teacher and author who had helped me a lot (www.mattkahn.org). He explained how we need space so we can empty out our energetic recycling bin. He also helped me to know that anger and irritation is a sure sign that space is needed to process, integrate, and empty our recycling bin. I use those emotions as cues to take a few minutes to a few hours to take care of myself.

    I sincerely hope this post was helpful for you. If not, I hope you laughed at my hilarious facial expressions. Please share how you give yourself a little space. Big hugs!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • The Breaking Point

    Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

    I’ve been feeling more of my power coming to the forefront of my inner world lately and it’s been wonderful.  Today I had an experience that deeply insulted, offended and angered me.  After it was over, I felt like I was in shock, and I needed time to settle back into myself.  I was in shock over how rude, insensitive and condescending people can be, and how so many others seem to support that type of behavior.  I have been a human for 43 years now, and the more I open my heart and lead with my vulnerability, the more I am shocked and appalled by the worst aspects of humanity. 

    Shortly afterwards, I had to excuse myself in order to cry and let my feelings out.  I remember wanting to rationalize and justify things to myself, instead I chose to love the one who needed to break down and shed many tears.  That felt so much better to me, to just give myself permission to be overcome with emotion and to embrace the one who felt trampled and abused.  As the day went on, I continued to embrace and hold space for my precious innocence as I grieved and felt the shock.  I really felt like I got further in getting a PhD in Being Me today.

    As the day went on, I got angry.  I learned how my anger is a way to respond to a pretty intense violation of my precious inner space and outer boundaries.  I started cherishing that anger and I could see images in my mind of me becoming a dragon and breathing flames everywhere, not in a destructive way, but in a powerful, “not again” way.  Writing this is one of the things I am choosing to do to honor myself today, and the sadness that I continue to feel under that anger that is giving me the strength to advocate for myself and to prevent this from happening again.

    I’m still not sure what my next steps are, but I know now that I’ve been growing and I have new tools and new awareness to honor, protect and nurture myself.  I have come very, very, very far in this way.  I remember the days when my only options were to shut down, cry in my choicelessness/helplessness or to deepen my victimhood.  If you resonate with those ways of being, I see you.  I also super honor you.  It is so hard to be choiceless, to feel like a victim and to live from a shut down place.  With every word you read on this blog, may you know that I believe in you.  May you be blessed with all you need to heal from trauma, abuse and other atrocities you’ve experienced and may you be surrounded with a blanket of peace, healing and protection while you heal. 

    Let’s breathe fire together and burn down (metaphorically 😊) all that no longer serves humanity.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding My Power

    Image of flames

    I have been scared and intimidated by anger in the past.  I have also been wanting to get to know my anger and to create more space for it within me.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome.  Over the last several years, I have hated myself for it, resented, blamed and berated myself and my body for it. I have also lost myself in efforts to “get rid of it” so I could get back to my life without it.  I have tried many ways to heal, those that honored me and my precious body and those that were just a means to an end.

    This past week I thought to myself that I would just stop.  Just stop trying to get better, to overcome this and just be me regardless of whether I like having chronic fatigue or not.  It felt very nice, like I could finally relax and just be.  Ironically then, yesterday I met two people who offered me suggestions of other options or paths I could take. At first it felt nice to have more hope but a few hours later I felt angry. I felt it traveling up the right side of my body, burning.  I felt it and I knew. 

    This is my power.  This anger is me saying enough, reminding me that I am the one with the power to make my own decisions, the only one who can choose to stop trying and just be.  The one who can appreciate that there may be other avenues to explore but who needs a rest from exploring.  As I type this, I feel incredibly empowered and accepting of myself. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself. If anything, my anger has led me to a deeper sense of home, acceptance and belonging within me.

    It’s 3:54am and I felt so moved by my anger that I needed to type this out.  I had just woken up 25 minutes ago to use the washroom and I felt so full of thoughts that I decided to breathe and allow my breath to empty me out so I could go back to sleep. I felt dizzy with how overflowing I was with thoughts but then I remembered the beautiful anger I had felt while brushing my teeth before bed and I reclaimed my power again and starting typing.  Now I feel like I am my own super hero with a calm mind and heart.  I am here, loving and honoring myself and my need “to be” instead of “pursue”.

    Will I ever try other ways to heal my chronic fatigue? Absolutely.  When will I start that exploration?  When the time feels right.

    Thank you my beautiful mind, body and heart for all you do. And thank you anger for teaching me to honor my needs and boundaries and for guiding me to my inner peace and power. No matter where you are in your life and what you are dealing with, may you be blessed with so much inner power, strength, inspiration and peace.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Overwhelmed and angry

    I have really been enjoying feeling angry in the last month. I have a complicated relationship with anger…I used to shove it down….I used to be scared of what I would do if I got angry, so I wouldn’t let myself even feel it. The problem is that it was fermenting and boiling inside of me.

    I am feeling really hopeful because it has been easier for me to feel anger, which is a fabulous step in giving myself permission to feel anger. It also will allow anger to signal to me when there is a problem, which is its beautiful and very important purpose.

    I wrote the following as I was exploring these new feelings. May it help you in connecting with any feelings you have also denied, shut down or shoved down. Thank you for reading. May your heart be light ❤️.

    “Here I am
    Yet again
    Motherf#$&<ng mad and resentful as shit.
    It is overflowing from all over and within me and I hate it.
    I don’t want to feel this way.
    I don’t like it and it doesn’t feel like the way I want to feel.
    But here it is anyway, this anger and resentment is overwhelmingly loud,
    “What about me”
    And
    “Leave me alone” fill my being.
    I can imagine where those loud feelings come from but I still hate them.
    They are valid and completely fair, I just hate them anyway.
    I feel like I become a monster with no limits, just a big gaping maw of anger and
    this scares me.
    I trust myself and I feel incredibly guilty after this crushing wave of anger but I still trust myself.
    I wish I could trust the anger, trust what it is telling me about my needs to rest, put myself first and be still, but sometimes there is still life to live, so how do I balance it all?
    How do I invite more joy in my life without being realistic that I don’t always have energy for those joy bringing activities?
    Hmm, maybe it’s okay to get angry.
    What if I only feel guilty because I think I shouldn’t get angry?
    I love having boundaries. I love feeling them. I love knowing so easily now when one is being crossed and I need to take action.  I f@#$ing love it.
    So…the past 2 times I got angry, my boundaries of what is acceptable behavior were massively violated. And I got angry. I guess what I’d like to do is respond in a way that feels better, less reactive, and more in a way I can feel better about. Like using my anger as a guide and then taking it a step further and using that anger to power a more conscious response instead of a lashing out response. That feels good.  Okay, great. Thanks anger and resentment for teaching me this important lesson.  I really appreciate it.  There are always options, eh?  Xoxoxo”

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Disappointment

    The sun setting in our backyard

    Disappointment – a poem

    Note from me: I wrote this poem a few months ago and I’d been wondering where I saved it! Well, I found it this morning, and lo and behold, it has a similar feel to the one I published yesterday about Rage. I can feel how much easier it is for me to be with my strong feelings instead of pushing them down like I used to. I am finding so much strength in admitting my feelings, my weaknesses, my chronic fatigue and anxiety. I used to think that being human made me weak, but now I see that owning my humanity through being open and vulnerable, both with myself and others, is a friggin superpower.

    Disappointment.

    It is flowing through my bones.

    It seems to start deep down within me

    And it works its way up through my conscious awareness

    Until I feel it winding its way around my organs.

    It starts squeezing them, choking them off from their energy source.

    The disappointment seeps into every aspect of my beingness

    And it seems to want to choke me from the inside.

    Disappointment.

    I want to run away from it but there is nowhere I can hide

    Because it is everywhere within me.

    I want to drown it and be the one to choke it but I can’t seem to grasp it.

    The bitterness of the disappointment echoes everywhere within my body, which

    Keep it going and going and going.

    Disappointment.

    Why? 

    Why are people so disappointing?

    Why is the state of our world like this, so utterly disappointing?

    Why can’t we seem to overcome this madness, this unconsciousness?

    Either way, I won’t be able to answer these questions,

    Because it’s just me and this massive disappointment.

    I guess we’d better learn to coexist and hang out together.

    ……

    Hey disappointment….I know you’re here for a reason, an especially good reason.

    You are super valid.  People are pretty damn disappointing lately.

    Wanna watch a movie and eat some pizza together?

    Let’s keep each other company while we nurture these strong feelings.

    And may they be healed with every moment that I am honest about my experience, for myself, for the disappointed, for the ones causing disappointment and for all.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.