PhD in Being Me

Tag: anxiety

  • From Anxiety to Empowerment

    Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

    I am sensitive, easily stressed and anxious. I am also growing and learning and finding new ways to care for the wonderfully sensitive person I am.

    As I reflect back on my life, I see how many times I didn’t know I had options. I would just be anxious and sit in that for a long time. I often related to myself and life from a very disempowered and victim-like place. In the last months, I have been growing more empowered as I learn more options for responding to life. Am I an expert yet? No! Does it feel awesome when I first remember that I have choices and then actually explore them? Yes!

    I am very fortunate to have had an opportunity to talk with a therapist from the Kemptville Stress Relief Centre. She gave me some excellent advice that seemed to have opened up a dormant part of my being. I was asking about how to set my kid up for success in life and she empowered me so I could empower my kid. It was really awesome. More specifically, she encouraged me to do some research about my areas of concern, talk to my kid about them, work together to find solutions and agree to check in with each other regularly. It seemed so simple and so much more effective than just worrying without any action.

    Since that time, I have been noticing that I feel more confident and empowered, and less anxious as a result. It’s amazing to remind myself of how capable I am and that I don’t have to feel like a victim when I give myself space and time to consider options, consult experts, talk about my feelings, talk to my family or friends, etc. I understand that it will take time to let this sink in and for this new way of being to be my default. In the meantime, I pledge to recognize my anxiety and explore my options so I can become more empowered.

    Does this resonate with you? Have you also felt anxious and stuck like a victim? What have you done to move forward with respect and care for yourself? I am excited to be at this place in my life, better late than never, eh?

    Thanks for reading! And big hugs to you! I love and honor you as you become an expert in being your lovely self!

    A blue rectangle with gold dust on the sides, with the words, "With every breath you take, may you be empowered."

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Walking Together

    Photo of a pumpkin carved into a heart, with a candle inside.
    My first heart pumpkin, it felt so right to put some love out on Halloween!

    Walking Together – a poem

    Hello my darling one,

    I feel that my whole energy field is jangled and that there is a sensitivity on my skin because my nervous system is all out of whack.

    How can I best help you dearest one? 

    You are so important to me, more than important than anything.

    You matter to me like the Earth needs the sun and rain.

    You matter to me like my inhalations and exhalations.

    There is no me without you and I’m wondering how you are doing?

    This is a really big change, a huge one.  It’s one that used to shatter me into many pieces and it feels like that is happening again.

    Oh, ya?  Is that right? The shattering isn’t necessarily a bad thing?  How is this shattering helping me do you think?

    It’s giving me a chance to align myself differently with the world?  To position myself from a place of confidence and authority, those positions that I have learned about and explored over the past several years?

    Hmmm, that makes sense.  What do you think I need to do to nurture myself during this shattering?

    Breathe in confidence and breathe out doubt.  Breathe in all the beauty that I am and smile for all that I thought I was that is now in millions of pieces on the ground.

    Go outside, lay on the snow and smile and breathe deeply.

    Here I am, I am here.  As beautiful and vulnerable and cute as ever, but with a greater connection to myself and what matters to me.

    Here I am, I am here, regardless of whether our foster dog is anxious, abused and recovering or not.  

    Here I am, I am here, precious, sensitive and in need of care.

    Here I am, breaking the cycles of abuse within me and around me by daring to turn within to nurture myself and be with myself while I am processing, discovering, thriving and struggling. 

    Here I am.

    I am here.

    May I always be here for myself with every breath I take. 

    Note from me about this poem:

    I wrote this poem in December 2022 shortly after we welcomed a new dog into our family. He was a stray dog and he had a lot of anxiety and trauma. I was completely overwhelmed by his needs at first and I wrote this poem to help me process what I was feeling. Lately, life has been giving me opportunities to approach circumstances differently than I used to. I felt very much like this was one of those times, but I wasn’t sure how to approach anything differently. Writing this helped me connect to that fear and overwhelm and gave my maturity a chance to rise up from the scattered pieces of myself to guide me. I love reading this again, it helps me. May we all be blessed with inspiration about how we can best help, guide, and support ourselves! Big hugs!! xoxoxo Bradlee

    A blue sky with the sun hidden by misty clouds low in the sky.
    This photo reminds me of my wisdom and maturity coming up from within me, just like the sun rising above those beautiful clouds. This photo is from a gorgeous morning in Kemptville.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • How a total lunar eclipse helped me

    Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, but I also have a huge heart, a cute innocence about the way I interact with the world, a love of swearing, a tall, strong body and an awakening consciousness that sometimes truly humbles and astounds me.

    That was a long sentence, but it was needed to show the greater totality of me. I am not just one aspect of my beingness, I am it all. And no one part is any greater or less worthy than other, and that is what the total lunar eclipse I witnessed the other day reminded me of.

    My husband Robbin told us that we could witness the eclipse between 3 and 6am. I thought it would be awesome to observe but sleep is very critical to my days so I didn’t plan to wake up. At 4:30am though, I felt this call from deep within me to awaken. It was really different than how I usually wake up in the early morning hours, it really was a calling. When I woke up enough, I realized it was the eclipse calling to me.

    I hurried out of bed and went out onto the back deck, and there it was. A gorgeous full moon that was so bright but with a significant portion of it covered in darkness. I felt so alive and grateful, I stayed out there getting colder and feeling the beauty and power in what I was so blessed to witness.

    I climbed back into bed and opened the curtains so I could watch the transition to a full eclipse while lying down. It was an incredible and awe-inspiring experience. I got to watch our backyard and the moon transform from fully illuminated to being covered in darkness, just like in the image at the top of this post.

    I ran outside again as there was only the tiniest sliver of light showing on the edge of the moon. I drank in the magic and mystery of this beautiful eclipse and it fed me deep in my soul and bones. I couldn’t seem to get enough. As I returned to bed and continued to watch, I saw the parallel between the total lunar eclipse and my life.

    It seemed like the time leading up to the total eclipse went by very quickly, but when the moon was completely dark, it stayed that way for so long. While totally dark, the moon was deep orange/brown, which showed me that the light reflecting off the moon was still there, and was likely visible in other parts of the world (I am no astronomer 😁).

    Seeing how long the moon was covered in darkness made me think of my chronic fatigue. I mentioned in earlier posts how I used to think I was doing something wrong by being so drained and tired. The eclipse showed me how even a miraculous process to witness has a process and stages, just like me.

    The phase of total darkness was no less incredible than gazing at a bright full moon in the sky. It was equally worthy of my awe and attention, if not more worthy because it only happens rarely as opposed to the near daily experience I have of seeing the moon in the sky.

    The total lunar eclipse reminded me that there is beauty, worth and value in our most dark stages, and that darkness is not synonymous with bad. In fact, I have learned so much about self-love, self-care and compassion for myself and others through this time period in my life. Thank you total lunar eclipse and chronic fatigue. Thank you for your gifts. With every breath I take, may I be open to receiving them and less in a hurry to move past this important and worthy phase of my life.

    No matter where you are in life with your physical, emotional, energetic, financial, or spiritual health, may you be blessed with an abundance of love, peace, inspiration, clarity and heavily light to guide you.

    With love, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Notes to myself at 4am

    A cute little clock I drew on our chalkboard

    Do you ever wake up in the early morning hours and feel like you need to spend time with yourself? That happens to me every now and then. I usually don’t mind it because I feel like it’s the universe giving me a little nudge to discover what my heart, mind and body want to share. I have a couple of ways that I spend that time, including:

    1. lying in bed to hang out with myself and breathe
    2. reading a book
    3. taking a bath
    4. asking myself some questions and waiting to hear if there are any answers
    5. writing in a journal
    6. listening to audio from my favorite spiritual teacher Matt Kahn

    This weekend, I did numbers 1, 4, 5, and 6 and it was perfect for me. I really do feel it is a quiet time for me to get to know what’s bothering me or what I want to focus more on. It’s almost like I can be more honest and vulnerable with myself during that time when most others are asleep.

    The older I get, the more I realize that we are all different and different things work for each of us. It is my humblest wish that by sharing what works for me inspires you to discover what works best for you.

    In honour of that wish, I’m sharing one of my “4am notes to myself.” In this note, I’m reflecting on my time off work and how I’m doing. Whether this note resonates with you or not, may it help you connect more deeply with your little voice inside that just needs to be heard, not changed, but just heard.

    “Here I am, nearly 2 weeks after my last note, and I still feel tired out.  I guess I expected this time off work to be more restorative and fun.  Instead I am learning new and unexpected things:

    1. I don’t always have all the energy I’d like for myself, my family and home stuff, even without working and trips to my dad’s
    2. I am super sensitive to stress and it affects my digestion, mood, muscles, etc. 
    3. I have forgotten how to enjoy the present moment sometimes
    4. I really like making blog posts
    5. I love organizing even when I am tired
    6. I have more energy for cooking when I am off
    7. I have more time to spend outside and get refreshed even though I have little energy, I still use it wisely.
    8. I can take a lot of baths
    9. I have more energy for grocery shopping instead of just online shopping
    10. I am good at family and home organizing and I get more pleasure out of it when I am off
    11. I am great at finding books and shows that are interesting and make me feel good.

    I am proud of myself. I have been challenged in several ways during this time off and I am doing a great job meeting my needs and finding my way despite being tired and feeling less heart centered and like I have less love for others and even myself.  Its about damn time I acknowledge myself this positively when I feel this tired.”

    No matter how great or how shitty you feel, I acknowledge you. You matter and you are special. May you be blessed with much inner quiet so you can connect more deeply to yourself and know your needs. Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.