I have been fighting for a long time. I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time. Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.
My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary. Am I fighting myself? The world? My past? Certain people? All people? My circumstances? My body and mind? Perhaps all of it?
This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative. I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts. But those fighting parts have been necessary. They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding. In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.
I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay. It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it?
In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations. They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life. As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier.
And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here. Gosh, it was so nice. I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response. And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all. It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at. And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.
Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page. I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome.
End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul. Yes, that feels nice. May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.
With lots of care, 💖 Bradlee
©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026. All Rights Reserved.
PhD in Being Me 