Today is the last day of 2023, and I am feeling self-reflective.
I have long wanted to write about how the view outside of my front window changes depending on the time of day and the weather and season. The photo above is from early in the morning last week. I awoke to a warm pink glow through the curtains and I jumped up to grab my camera to capture the spectacular glory that I got the honour to witness.
The same view on a different morning
This photo is of the same view on a different day and is still lovely. The changing view reminds me that I don’t have to expect myself to always be the same. I may be able to shine my light brightly one day, and other days, it may still be bright, but shining at a different intensity, or perhaps more inward.
I love how the view outside my window teaches me to treat myself with more compassion and gentleness. I don’t expect the view out of my window to be the same every day, so why would I expect that of myself?
Even in the early, early morning, the view out of my window is spectacular. May that help us all to know how lovely we all are, even on days where we don’t feel our best or things aren’t going the way we hoped or needed them to.
We learn different things through all the ways we feel and show up each day, and none are better or worse. They just are.
The same view very early on a different morning
So whether you are ready to seize the last day of 2023, or if you just want to stay in bed, you are lovely.
Whether this has been a disastrous or painful year for you, or if you’ve had some fun through the hard times, I see you.
No matter the changing landscape of circumstances and feelings in your life, you are very worthy of being seen and validated.
May the changing view out your window remind you that change is guaranteed in our lives.
May we all relax into change more freely and let go of judgment and expectations around who we should be at any moment and rest in how we are, with self-respect, love and care.
I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.
When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.
A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.
I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.
No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.
You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life
This beautiful art my husband made me sums up how I am feeling
I love it when it all works out! I find it especially exciting after a time of deep fatigue, anxiety, stress, or tension (or all of them)! Maybe that’s the gift the contrast between the highs and lows of life gives us?
This past weekend, I went to a beautiful family reunion, and I saw cousins I hadn’t seen in over 30 years. There was so much delicious food that I didn’t eat because I was so happy hugging and talking. My heart was overflowing with love, and truly, there is no better feeling. It made my emotional and physical aches and pains melt away.
Before going, I had decided to bring all of who I am now, instead of relating to everyone like I used to when I was a shy kid and an unsure teenager. I felt like I grew up a lot by making that choice, like I integrated and honored the many parts of me. This GIF represents how I feel more cohesive and organized within myself.
I haven’t been sleeping as well since that time, almost like all of me is awake, revelling in the joy of the wonderful road trip with my family, an incredible reunion, and loving visit with my precious Dad. Even though I know there will be challenges ahead, I feel good and fortified. May this feeling last, and may we all be blessed with lovely, heartwarming experiences where it all works out.
This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through. May you be inspired about how to best care for and enjoy who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. Big hugs!
Creating this whirlpool of dissolving sugar seemed like the perfect image for this post and poem. Once the sugar is dissolved, it’s perfect for hummingbirds, but before that, it is two separate ingredients. May your dissolving and integrating be gentle and wonderful.
Introduction
I wrote Dissolving in 2017, and it helped me understand what I was and still am going through. It describes that unconscious and insatiable hunger that is rampant in the undercurrents of our society. Writing this gave me the idea to be more patient, loving, and accepting of this aspect of myself and humanity. May we all be empowered to love and honor what is dissolving in our world to create space for all the beauty and heart-centered consciousness that is emerging.
Dissolving – a poem
There is a part of me that never needs to be fed by anything as it is complete, whole and self-nourishing. However, the part of me that feeds off of drama, junk food, competition, hate, anger, rage, despair, overwhelm, panic and sadness is present. It is showing me it is present. It is wanting me to feed it endlessly ceaselessly and without any regard to conscious action.
I see you. I feel you. I know your hunger. I cannot feed you in the way that you want, crave or need. I am waking up and you are hungry. I know you will never be satisfied, that you will always crave, reach, pull, grab and hang on. I don’t know what to do for you, except to be your witness, the witness to what drives humanity to be inhuman, the witness to the cause of the suffering of all beings, the cause of the competition, greed and destruction that is now ready to be revealed; ready to be loved nurtured witnessed and dissolved through compassion, separation and merging with the wholeness within.
May your dissolving be gentle, peaceful and loving. May I have the courage to be your witness no matter how fiercely you crave, hunger or hold on. I love you and I am here, separating from you witnessing you loving you as your journey comes to this point of completion. Thank you.
May all beings be blessed with the courage clarity and awareness to separate from the hunger and merge with the one who never hungers. May the homecoming of the one who hungers be glorious.
No matter what’s going on within or around you, may you know how much you are loved.
A lovely moment when I stopped, took in the beauty of the sunrise and basked in its glory
I really liked the subject of yesterday’s post, remembering the human in all of us (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/07/13/for-the-human-in-all-of-us/). Today, I am taking the concept a bit further by explaining my own troubles with losing myself in doing things.
When I am tired, which is often because I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities. When I am in that place, walking the dogs is not a pleasure, it’s a chore, taking care of the chickens is mechanical and cleaning or washing up feels like I am dragging my body around. It’s a really sad state of affairs, but it’s the honest truth sometimes. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how being miserable while living my life isn’t ideal, in fact it’s just really sad and not what I want.
I’ve decided to start being while doing. What I mean is this: When I check on the chickens, I want to see them, be with them, and honor them and me. It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit with them for an hour and talk to each of them. It more means that I will take the time to look at and be with them while I check on them. Would I like to interact with them when I check on them? Would it bring me joy to stop, bend down, notice the gorgeous reflection of the sun in their feathers, and how soft they feel on my fingertips? I think it’s a simple change, but one that can have a beautiful and miraculous impact for me and those I am interacting with, including the chickens, dogs, my family, co-workers, the plants in my garden and my home while I take care of it.
I have known this for a long time, I’ve written poems about it as a way of teaching myself to be present and mindful and appreciative of my life, even the less enjoyable parts, while I’m living it. What I’m realizing lately is that I had forgotten about it among the various stressors with my health, my family’s health and the state of the world, especially after the covid battle.
How do you feel while reading this post? Do you resonate with what I’m sharing? Would you like to shine more of the light of your beautiful heart and mind on the tasks you do in your life? If so, I invite you to join me. If you don’t know how, I’ll share a bit about what works for me to bring my presence to my life:
I look in the mirror when I’m in the washroom and I make sure I make eye contact with myself. I usually smile too, even if I’m not feeling great that day, just to give myself a little boost and some care, right from me to me.
I try not to rush around doing chores. I make a list and identify the ones I really have to do, and I give myself permission to go at the pace that feels best for me. Playing some great music seems to remind me to enjoy life while doing chores too. Dancing or singing while cleaning reminds me of my humanity.
I remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing. I take my time when I need to use the washroom, instead of just treating it like a means to an end.
Before I walk the dogs, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself how much I love them. If the walk is stressful, I sing gently to myself or go through what I’m grateful for, or what I wish I could be grateful for (thanks for that tip Matt Kahn!).
I take short breathing breaks throughout the day to give my body more of the vitality that comes from consciously attending to my breath.
Over the next few posts, I’ll share some of my poetry that speaks to this topic. With every breath you take, may you know, feel and sense your beautiful presence and may you feel the majesty and the grace of the light of your own care and attention.
Sometimes my perspective is slightly cloudy and misty. I stop, breathe, and remember my humanity and my vision clears.
Sometimes, I find myself getting very frustrated by how slowly things change in our world. I am constantly reflecting, growing, evolving, and improving the way I relate to myself and the world. I find it hard when things don’t keep up with my expectations.
When I am frustrated and want things to be better, I stop and focus on the human I am interacting with. I remember their humanity. I remember that they have feelings, hopes and dreams, and they are likely doing the best they can. If they can’t meet me where I’m at and I find myself getting frustrated, I can take a deep breath. I can remember that there is a human in front of me who is deserving of love, validation, and acknowledgment. They are there, reminding me of the depth of experience possible that comes from interacting consciously with a person, even if I don’t like what is going on, what they are saying or what I am feeling.
With every interaction I have, may I share love, validation, and respect to all, including myself. May we all remember that we are human, that we all respond well when we aren’t treated as objects but as beautiful beings.
It also helps me to remember that I am a human. I have ups and downs, triggers, emotions, passions, etc. When things aren’t going well in a situation, I breathe and remember that I am human, the people around me are human and we all have basic needs. When I remember this, I can approach a situation from a more heart centered instead of judgemental place.
I see you dear reader, and I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking your time to read this post. May your interactions be blessed with so much care and respect and humanity.
Over the past few days, I have been witnessing and hearing about people being treated as less than. It really bothers me, and I get really angry and want to change our world for the better. I know that hurt people hurt people, but I can’t help but feel like we should all be able to get along.
If you are being mistreated, cast aside, ignored, persecuted, or abused, I stand with you. I am with you, and you are so worthy.
For every time you feel down, please read these words and be reminded that you matter and you are lovely, just as you are.
Our world values numbers, productivity, and profits over people. You are so much more than a human resource and a human doing. You are a beautiful being, and may you know and feel your beauty, truth, and worth, no matter how you are being treated.
May you be blessed with an abundance of support, safety, courage, and strength to leave unhealthy situations.
May you know how worthy you are of being well treated and being in healthy environments with compassionate people.
May we all rise up to live from our inner power so we can create true equity for all.
I stand with you, I honor you, and I am cheering you on.
Me sending you lots of love and saying, “I see you and you are so worthy.”
It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot. In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity. They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away.
I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity. We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away. I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/
Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others. I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own. On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.
Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!
In 2018, I went through several months of exploring my faith. I don’t have a religion, although I was baptized Christian. For many years now, I’ve been learning about God, Creator, the Universe in my own way, and it has felt really important and authentic for me. The text below was really about me trying to make sense of what I was feeling during a very turbulent time, and learning how to have faith in God. This post is in honor of my precious friend, Carla.
When I falter
There are times when I falter. I forget how special and important I am, and I rely on my decision making skills from my past, and I slip back into the fog of unconsciousness. I again wear the cloak of darkness that makes it so it doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal to make choices that aren’t the best for me. I am able to rationalize most anything when I am wearing that cloak. God loves me so much, He makes it easy for me to don the cloak so that I get the pleasure and challenge of finding my way back home to Him, to my Heart, to my healthiest ways of living. It’s like I get a chance to relearn faith each and every time. It is like with each time I can take the cloak off and hang it up on a hanger that is farther and farther away from me.
May I honor that cloak and our Lord as one and the same, as they are both my greatest teachers, and each just teaches me from a different perspective. One is not better than the other and it is time for me to forgive myself for all the times I put on the cloak of darkness and forgot my heart’s song. God was with me, singing the song for me each time I wore the cloak and the reason why it feels so beautiful and free when I take the cloak off is because that is when I sing along with God and remember that I’ve never been alone and that I have a beautiful voice and a very sacred song to sing. Sat Naam.
In my previous post, I wrote about being at the breaking point. It was a post overflowing with the rawness of emotion I was experiencing at the time. Writing that post gave me courage to be with myself when I was so angry, disappointed and violated. It helped me understand that I didn’t need to know what was coming next, yet.
Here I am a few days later and I am so grateful for this experience. It taught me that I am my own fiercest protector. In the face of disrespectful behavior, I rose up within myself to see it for what it was and to say enough. I was flooded with a whole spectrum of emotions, all of which I was able to embrace as completely valid. I didn’t have my next steps ready, instead I just gave those huge emotions space to breath and to guide me to what was next.
This is new territory for me because in the past, I just micro-managed myself, trying to fit into the mold of who I thought I should be. I’ve been unlearning all of that, and I am learning to live my own life, according to my rules, my beliefs, my values and my feelings. It is a gorgeously transformative process that has been incredibly beautiful, rewarding, and exhausting.
The next morning after writing that post, my next steps became clear. My limits and boundaries had been violated so severely and I was radiating with a giant, booming, “NO MORE,” in the cells of my body. I knew that I owed it to myself to follow those feelings and to make decisions that would allow me to be in a healthier, more respectful environment. In the past, I used to think I had to stay and suffer through it, or try to reason my way through abusive behavior, or make excuses for those being disrespectful. This may be the among the rare times when I heard the “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” scream within me and gave myself permission to act on it. May this be more of my reality going forward (and yours too if this resonates with you).
I’m learning how to be an expert in me, by working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and I took major steps forward during this experience. It felt holistic and pure and straight from within me. I didn’t look to others to confirm my next steps, I make those decisions from that inner roar and man, it felt so super good.
By Friday evening, I was exhausted and depleted and yesterday too. I know how much energy it takes to learn new ways of being and to follow ones instincts in a world full of advice, fads and ways of being. I rode those waves of exhaustion and made sure to praise myself for following my inner voice, for protecting my innocence, for knowing I was worthy of having my boundaries respected and for taking steps to make sure major boundary violations wouldn’t happen again. I was gentle with myself as I went through this and I am smiling while typing this. It feels very good to be learning to honor myself from the inside out.
If you are in need of gentleness, I support you. I am with you. I haven’t gotten to this place overnight. It has been a life long process, one that has been agonizingly slow at times. It is my hope that in sharing my journey, it will help connect you to what is best for you in your life. I would never dream of making any reader think that they need to do exactly what I am doing. Rather, it is my dream that you, dear reader, may be so full of love, inspiration and hope after visiting this blog that it makes your life easier and gentler.
May you follow the breadcrumbs of light that I am leaving behind as I walk, type and learn to live from my power. May they lead you to your inner voice and power. May you rise up within yourself, in your own way, to live your life from the inside out, in all of your brilliance and authenticity, despite anything you’ve ever been told about what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We are beautiful humans, being pushed to the breaking point, so we may see what’s on the other side.
Pssst, I have a secret. I think it’s only freedom, power and greater confidence. Look out world, here we come with songs of hope, torches of light and an abundance of love and healing.
PhD in Being Me 