Here I am, reflecting on being on disability leave from my job for the last year a half. Am I better? Am I able to go back to work? The answer to both of those questions is still no, but I sure have gained a lot in this time off, even if my health is still so limiting.
My normal was to fight, resist, downplay and deny my symptoms, emotions and reality. In fairness to myself, that type of behavior is pretty common in our society in North America, and is modelled in many households and institutions and systems. Living that way allowed me to survive, earn money, and keep going despite major health limitations, so it served a purpose, but it was also harmful.
I think of the difference between how comforting it is to be covered with a soft, warm blanket, compared to sitting on a hard chair, shivering. Or cuddling with a favorite pet and sharing love and warmth, versus being alone, and shoving down feelings.
It’s pretty obvious that some of those scenarios are cozy, warm and nourishing, whereas the others are bleak, lonely and tough. I am craving that softness, comfort, slowing down and gentleness big time, and I’m really learning how to meet my needs instead of shove them down. I have been through a lot, I am living through a lot and I am worthy of giving myself care, compassion and grace.
Through various healing modalities, such as therapy, art therapy, a nervous system rehabilitation program, craniosacral therapy, functional medicine, sound healing, exercise, lymphatic self-massage, I have learned to be kinder to myself and to sit with my health in reality instead of in denial. I am softening into who I am and what I need.
My therapist once said something like, “it’s important to notice what you need and then pay attention to what you’re actually doing and ask if your actions are helping to meet that need or not.” I use those words to help me remember to soften instead of reverting to denying, fighting, resisting, myself and my reality.
For example, I have a long to do list today. None of the tasks are urgent, nor are they complex, but I could feel a deep need to write, so I chose to honour my needs first before tackling the to do list. And maybe I don’t have to tackle the list, maybe I can approach it gently, check in with my energy today, and pick one that feels easy.
Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is complex as f&^k, but softening and gently remembering to meet my needs makes life better despite it all. And that is what I told my disability case manager today. I have a lot more tools, a lot more awareness of my needs and what I can do to take care of myself, even if my health is actually worse than at the last check in.
And so, here I am, being gentle with myself, especially the part of me who is worried about my financial future if I end up needing to medically retire. Softening towards myself doesn’t solve the problems of real life, but it does make it easier to explore the problem and the various solutions, instead of fighting, which tends to limit the amount of options available.
And so I wish you all the softening you crave and may the people in your life treat you with that softness and care too. Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖,
Bradlee
©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026. All Rights Reserved.
