PhD in Being Me

Tag: gratitude

  • To the many me’s who came before – a letter

    An art therapy piece with a painting of a young Bradlee with colors all around her and supportive words

    Hey Bradlees!

    You are so very special and important to me.  I am sitting outside as the sun is setting and I thought of writing you all a letter to let you know how awesome you are and have always been.

    You were such a sweet, innocent and excited child.  Sensitive, easily overwhelmed and confused by the ways of the world, but no less precious for it.  From the beginning you were someone who could sense the undercurrent in life and you wanted to help others who felt it like you did. I’m still like that now, I hope you’d be proud of the person I’ve become.

    You really loved being at school – you were good at it and you had such wonderful friends.  All the schools you went to helped you feel like you belonged and you mattered, thank goodness for that.  I remember how in elementary school you would get everyone to sing songs on school trips.  I remember your first kiss with Mark and how the whole school was talking about it.  You were tough when you needed to be, but very soft, caring and sensitive, and confused about how to make things work with friends, with young romances and how to get things right so you could feel safe.

    I remember the heartbreaks of a boy, Chris, choosing Sonia over you.  I remember going to a different high school than my good friends and thinking that meant they didn’t like me any more.  Oh, how young life was confusing, but the truth is, it still is.  I’m 46 and the difference is that I have more experience now, but life is still complex.

    Gosh, so much time has passed.  You’ve had so many incredible opportunities and friendships and some very deeply traumatic times.  Please know that thanks to you, and everything you’ve learned, overcome and experienced, I am the person I am today.  I treaure and appreciate you.  Thank you for everything you went through.  Thanks for all the hard lessons you learned.  Thank you for leading with your values even before you knew that you were. 

    I think of all the me’s who came before and I am grateful for you all.  The one who was exhausted but signed up for a work opportunity anyway, which ended up leading to a 24 year career (with parental and disability breaks) in another city. The me who was so fed up with dating loser guys and signed up for match.com, and found the love of her life.  Well done, you!   The one who trusted her intuition time and time again while parenting, despite all the pressures and advice from many different corners.  The one who knew it was time to apply for disability leave even though she was scared, my goodness, thank you.  

    To the me who recognized how shy she was and decided to perform at an open mic night at a comedy club just to prove to herself that she didn’t need to be shy.  And you killed it!  That was awesome!  To the me who wrote a poetry book about grief to raise money and awareness in her community and loved it so much that she co-created a second book with members of her grief community as a caring resource.  All while being exhausted, but it filled me up in ways that were so so welcomed and needed.  Nicely done!!  

    You have so much to be proud of.  I know things have been hard and it’s easy to focus on that, and this letter is my way of celebrating all the greatness and goodness that has been there through the hard times.  You are so incredible at uplifting others and helping them feel seen, I hope this letter makes you feel the same.  You are very worthy of being seen.  Your words matter.  Your life matters.  You matter, and I love and appreciate you.

    Thank you for getting me to here, I’m so excited for what’s next.  I raise a glass to all the me’s who came before and ask you all to join me in moving forward together, more healed, whole and integrated than ever before.  Here’s to us!

    Xoxoxo, love lots, Bradlee 🌈🩷🌟

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • This is my life

    Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

    I’m 45 years old, nearly 46, and lately I’ve been thinking about how this is my life, right now, as I’m living it. Have you ever thought that? Like you notice that life is happening while you are living it and maybe you’ve not been enjoying it or fully present in it? Or perhaps not really noticing that it’s going by?

    I looked at my hands, and they are older hands.

    I looked at my legs, and they are older legs.

    I looked at my face and hair, and realized that I was looking at 45 year old me, not the version of me I see in my mind.

    It was really refreshing. I felt like I was being given another chance to step more into my life and appreciate it, myself, my body and all that I have lived to date. I started thinking of what I’ve done with my life and whether I am happy about it. I had just been having a hard week, so I was having these thoughts, and then I realized that yes, I am happy about my life. There have been some really hard parts, some awful parts, but overall, there’s been a lot of good and I’m very happy. What a gift.

    I’ve had wonderful experiences, like running a half marathon in Ottawa, biking a full marathon in New York City, going on a hot air balloon ride with my hubby, being a lead in a play, performing at an open mic stand up comedy club (I rocked that!), moving to a new city for work, meeting my husband on the internet in 2005 (and he was the only guy I met because he was perfect for me!), becoming a parent, learning about breathing, connecting to my heart and how important writing is for my heart, and learning to make decisions that are in my highest and best good, like applying for disability leave from my work and recognizing that my health was no longer at a point where I could keep working.

    It was really refreshing to think about the good, and that’s just the experiences. That says nothing about the absolutely incredible people I have met who have made a tremendous difference in my life! Yay for them! Thank you all so, so, so much!! They’ve taught me to love myself, be kind to myself and to celebrate the goodness that I am, and there’s a fair bit of that! I have the best laugh. Tee hee, it’s funny to write that about myself, but my laugh is really great. I laugh from my toes and I laugh loudly and it’s such a privilege. I can feel deep sorrow and I can laugh like something is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, a few times a day. I guess that’s me, I feel the highest highs and the lowest of the lows. Feeling is something I am pretty good at.

    Well, writing a post about my life after just thinking about it is very refreshing. Thanks for reading and I hope this post inspires you to take a look at the good you are, the good you’ve experienced and to give yourself a hug from me for all the tough that’s been in between.

    xoxoxoxo, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.