PhD in Being Me

Tag: IFS

  • All of me, holding hands, walking together

    A collage of magazine cut outs with words like open doors, new beginnings, care, etc and images of holding hands, good food, acts of kindness, etc
    A collage I made for moving forward in a more peaceful integrated way

    I don’t know about you, but it’s been a battleground, with lots of carnage, hurt and despair inside me for a long time.  I have felt the parts of me that were locked away, other parts that have kept them there, others that have been fighting to be heard, recognized and taken care of and others that have been exhausted trying to create peace and understanding within me. 

    Living with a chronic illness for a long time now only amplified that, but the good news is that it’s getting better.  My inner landscape is less of a battleground, and more like my parts are working together to clean up the mess and create a healthy environment. 

    I remember when I was in grief counselling after my mom died in 2019 and my counsellor said something like, “you’ve done such great work, you’ve been pulling the weeds out of your garden, taking care of the soil and planting new seeds.  It’s going to be amazing as the garden grows, keep doing this work.” 

    I can honestly say that I agree with her.  I’ve done many forms of therapy for over 20 years and it’s really helped.  I understand myself more and it’s helped me recognize that battleground, and reach out to the parts of me that were hurting so much.  I’ve become more of a compassionate ambassador within myself and we’re signing peace treaties and memorandums of understanding for how we’d like to move forward, together.

    I always thought that I needed to contain and lock away certain parts of myself to be safe and to get the care and attention I craved, but that very innocent strategy didn’t work out.  If anything, it’s kept me fractured and living in more turmoil, but that’s okay.  The more I learn from therapy, the more I see that these were coping and survival strategies and I get the chance to do differently moving forward.

    I can sometimes sense the little Bradlee’s feeling taken care of, or screaming out if there is a big trigger, and I’m learning that I am what I need.  I am the one who can notice my inner distress and take care of myself and ask for help.  I am the expert in being me, even though I am always learning more. 

    Ahhhh, deep breath.  I am what I’ve been looking for.  I am the one who can choose to walk with my most hurt, vulnerable and angry parts instead of keeping them locked away.  I am the one who can remember all that I’ve been through and choose to treat myself with kindness and compassion, instead of continuing the cycle of shaming and belittling and telling myself just to get over it. 

    Yes.  Here I am, all parts of me, reaching out to all of me, holding hands, walking together.  Meeting at the start of a new trail through life, smiling at each other, and knowing that everything in my life has led to this point.  I am uniting, across time and space, no parts of me left behind, to walk across the former battlefield and see all the beauty that now occupies the place that was full of terror, fear, anger, shame and sadness. 

    We are glorious and we are together.  We are uniting.  We are me, all of me.  Is there still sadness, pain and shame?  Yes.  Will there always be?  Likely, but we’ll face it together and hold space for those difficult feelings as they arise.  And we’ll look inward and outward at all the beauty we’ve cultivated and worked so hard for, and that will carry us through. 

    May you be well, 💕 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • For all the times I wanted to say no but couldn’t

    Burning it all down – art that came from a part of me that is reclaiming her voice and power

    Flames make me feel powerful and like I have a choice.  I have so much power buried within me, because for so long I couldn’t use my voice and power.  If I did, I was unsafe, so I learned to keep it down as a coping strategy.  The more I learn about trauma and how our nervous system adapts, the easier it is for me not to shame or blame myself, but to have compassion for what I’ve gone through and to reach out to the most hurt parts of me.

    I’ve started slowly, with baby steps in therapy, and art therapy and over the course of the last 2 years, I’ve been feeling safer to meet the pain, hurt and trauma within me.  Really, it’s been a life long journey, and these last 2 years have enabled me to go to the next layer within me.

    Sometimes, I feel this irritation inside me and I don’t always know where it’s coming from.  I get physical symptoms with that irritation too, and then sometimes it builds into anger, then rage, then murderous rage.  So this morning, I decided to say to that irritation, hey, do you want to share what you’re about?  How you’re helping me by feeling this way?

    After I went for a walk, it built up big time and I was worried about what I was going to do with the intensity of it.  I decided to take some space and take a shower and then I saw the image above in my head, and I realized exactly what the irritaion and anger were about.  They were about all the times I said yes instead of no.  All the times I felt so choiceless to do what I wanted/needed.  All the times I didn’t think I had the right to do what was in my best interests.  And, boy oh boy, was a part of me MAD about it.

    I got out my art supplies and just painted flames after flames and then painted myself and wrote the words I was hearing inside on top of the flames, such as:

    • No more!
    • I can say no and what I need to feel safe!
    • I am stronger by having boundaries and taking care of my needs
    • Burning up the powerlessness
    • Burning down the obligations and hyper-responsibility for others.  I can choose for me! 
    • etc.

    The most freeing part of this art and realization was that these feelings are no one’s fault.  I felt choiceless for so so many reasons and that was carrying into every area of my life.  Making this art helped me to recognize that and take responsibility for how I move forward.  It’s not that simple, because this is a life long coping strategy, and I’ll still feel choiceless and powerless many times, but now I understand more the impact that has had on me and I can treat myself with more compassion and learn more how I can bring healing to those parts of me.

    I love having these realizations because they make me feel less shame and they help me understand myself.  I also love making art about my big feelings because I get to contain them on a page as opposed to holding them in my body.  Sharing my art is a vulnerable thing, but this one feels safe to share because it’s such an explosion of feelings and power, and it makes me feel good to write about it on my blog.

    May you be blessed with an abundance of safety in your inner and outer worlds and may your heart be light.  Thank you for reading!

    💕✨️ Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Needing translation

    A meadow with wispy clouds in a blue sky

    Through art therapy, I’ve been learning how to translate my feelings into art.  Doing this makes them much less scary, and more understandable. It’s also helped me feel more compassion for myself.

    Today, I felt, saw and located a certain emotion in my body.  It was very intense and one I have suppressed for a long time.  I had become an expert in shoving that feeling down whenever it tried to emerge.  Well, I thought I was an expert at it.  The truth is that I was spending a lot of time and energy trying to contain a part of me that just needed love.  I understand why I did that and how that behavior was necessary for a long time.  Today though, I turned to face it and said, “hey, I am sorry for pushing you down.  I am here now, how can I help?”

    I started to hear about that part’s pain, what words it was screaming and I got insights into all the times I felt that way.  That part of me was needing translation.  It needed me to be brave, to take the uncomfortable feelings and sensations and hold space for them to be translated into something very tangible and relatable.

    A rose quartz on a marble table.

    My hurt was transformed from scary, alien, and evil to vulnerable, hurting, and very, very worthy.  I feel softer inside and better able to help myself going forward.  That feels like a significant step towards getting a PhD in Being Me. I am so incredibly grateful for the connection I made with myself today and I look forward to learning more and developing a deeper relationship with that part of myself 💕💕.

    No matter where you are in life, may you be blessed with serenity, peace, courage, all the support you need and more.  With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for greater unity and harmony within ourselves and among all beings.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.