At some point during the last several years, I started looking down when I walked to make sure I wouldn’t trip or fall. I have been very delicate and vulnerable mentally and physically so looking down makes sense, even though I have been far from an age where a fall would have been catastrophic.
I knew I was doing this, but I hadn’t realized just how much that was reflecting how I felt in the world. How I needed to watch out, be careful and keep an eye out for potential hazards.
In the fall of 2025, I did an exercise my art therapist suggested to help me focus a bit more outward. I was nailing the “meeting my needs” bit and she suggested I look more broadly at my needs from a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social perspective. I wrote about my initial efforts with this homework in September https://phdinbeingme.ca/2025/11/10/boundaries/.
Since that time, I notice that it is easier to look up when I am walking. Easier to notice aspects of my life that have been neglected due to my health limitations. Easier to see more of me and life’s possibilities, even while I am unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome and mental health challenges.
And so, I am finding it easier to remember to look up and ahead, to remember that I am more than my tough days, and that I have survived each tough day so far, and I can do it again. I can work, slowly but surely, to create safety in my body, mind and heart and celebrate when I give myself kindness and compassion. I can write what’s in my heart because sharing stories matters and reminds us that we are all connected in our humanity, even if our experiences are different.
Wherever you are, whether you are looking down or upward, I send you smiles, care and kindness!
Well, here I am. I really feel like writing, and celebrating the desire to write.
I went for a cold, sunny sky walk with the dogs and I was filled with so much love and possibilities. I was given an opportunity to see the extent of the possibilities of my life in spite of my physical and mental health challenges.
I’ve been learning how to ride the waves of my emotions instead of being pulled into every feeling I have. I was flooded with fear just when I was passing a wide field with a horse and two cows and a tall tree full of singing birds. There was no immediate danger that I could see, in fact it was a beautiul scene, but I was terrified. For the first time, I felt that fear coursing through my body and was able to see the beauty around me. The horse was peeking around the wall of his shelter and was staring right at me. I held his eyes and then looked at the cute cows, and knew that I could be okay despite the intense feelings in my body.
Slowly but surely, and I mean slowly (!), I am learning how to build up my capacity to feel my feelings, and to be stressed and to know that I am okay despite it all. I’m also learning how to ride the waves of extreme fatigue that I have with chronic fatigue syndrome and to know that I’ll live through it. Being exhausted for years has really stressed out every aspect of my beingness. I am so grateful for my therapists, health care professionals and for the Primal Trust program, which is all about healing from the chronic stress response.
I’m focusing on celebrating my wins, crying when I need to, knowing that I can create trust within myself as I learn to tend to my nervous system and body in new ways. It’s taken a lot of tough living for me to get here, and I’m so loved, supported and cared for, so my hope for my future is justified.
I’m getting my PhD in Being Me each day that I listen to my body and mind and tune into my needs. I used to think that if I could do everything perfectly, everything would be fine. Now I see that it’s more about being who I am, exactly as I am, meeting myself where I’m at, learning, being patient, asking for help and loving myself.
I hope that you are inspired by what you need each day to get your very own Phd in Being You, because no one else is you and you are very worthy of caring for yourself and being supported.
Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog? Archie is such a sweet cutie pie. I love this photo of him. It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.
Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself. I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome. He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self.
He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not. He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food. And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life. Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.
And so, here it is, what I want out of life:
Rest for my tired body
Quality time with my husband and son
A walk with the dogs
Chances to connect with friends and family
Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
Preparing and eating delicious food
Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings
That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it? I get all of that, every day. Isn’t that miraculous? Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience. I’ll do my best to remember that! In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong. So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel. Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.
And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard. A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.
My heart opened and filled with what’s been right in front of me all along.
Here I am, right here, where I have always been.
My life is not behind me, ahead of me or just around the corner. It is right here, right now.
Every bit of my life matters, the mundane, the heart wrenching, the hilarious, the joys, highs and lows and everything in between.
My story matters, my life matters, exactly as it is. It won’t be any more important if all of my dreams come true, or if I live my life exactly as it is each moment.
A significant part of me has thought that if only I could be better, get better, be different, than my life would mean more and would allow me to help more people.
The truth is, the best thing I can do is to sit down, right here, in the middle of the life I’m living and live it. Nothing more, nothing less.
I’ve been the kind of person who loves people easily. If I’ve made any type of connection with you, chances are I love you and deeply. It’s a really sweet and admirable quality that I’m only beginning to really appreciate as the precious gift it is, and that I give to others (admittedly, I don’t give this freely to everyone, I’ve become more discerning over the years).
I love helping people, making connections with them, holding them, uplifting them and cheering them on. Over the last several years of ill health, the lack of being able to do that for others has been really hard. But now I see that it’s truly my time to turn inward and to give all of those gifts that I so easily give to others to my sweetie self.
My life won’t mean more or have greater value if I get better tomorrow, in a few years, or never. Each day, I’ll be living my life, hopefully with more presence, gratitude and appreciation since my realizations today, and that will be enough. My story, my moments, my thoughts, my fears, joys, pain and excitement all add up to make my life. And what a beautiful life it is.
We see movies, read books, and compare ourselves to others and wonder, am I doing this right? Am I enough just as I am? And today, I am recognizing that I am, just as I am. I am good enough and I am doing things right, because I am me, no one else.
This writing was inspired by listening to the audio book, “The Dutch House,” by Ann Patchett, narrated by Tom Hanks. The book, which was a Pulizter Prize Finalist, was about ordinary people’s lives. The whole book. There was no action, mystery or anything, just a beautifully written and narrated story about some humans, being human and having a human experience. And somehow, having that story read aloud by Tom Hanks gave it so much more validity and importance. I hung out with a flawed family and Tom Hanks for 10 hours and my life as I knew it opened, crumbled and I was remade, ready to appreciate all that has happened to me, all that will happen to me and all that I am. I am so humbled by this book. It has touched me so deeply I have tears in my eyes as I type this. This book has helped me find my own true north again and my heart is still feeling tender. I’m in repair and am re-orienting and I’m so excited to see where my life points me to next. Even if it’s just to fold the laundry or to rest and heal.
Thanks so much for reading. May you be well and may you inner compass guide you to discover all the majesty that you are.
No matter what your life experience has been or is today, it all counts. And it all matters. You matter.
Even if you wish things could have been different or if you’ve just figured out something that has been impacting your whole life, you matter and it all counts as valid life experience. Your life is precious. Your story matters. Your experience matters, especially if others have told you that you don’t matter or that you just needed to get over yourself.
I love connecting with people and hearing their stories. I love listening, asking questions, holding space and sharing. We all have such different experiences and perspectives and there is something magical when two people can sit and be witnesses for each other’s lives. One of the hardest parts of having chronic fatigue syndrome is not having the energy to do this as often as I would like. Instead, it’s been teaching me to do the same for myself. To hold space for me, and to be a witness for what is ready to be shared.
As I’ve been doing this, I’ve been seeing just how valid my life is, regardless of how unwell I’ve been. All of my life experience counts, none of it is less important or valid because I’ve been struggling. I wanted to write to share this message in case you needed it too 💖.
I am turning 46 next week and I have spent most of my life trying to be what others have told me I should be or what I felt I needed to be to be safe and to survive. This morning, I was feeling sad about my relationship with my dog and how it’s been rather tumultous because of my past. I love her dearly so I was hugging her and thanking her for sticking with me and being such a dedicated teacher. She’s been helping me reach some of the most hurt parts of myself.
Anyway, I was petting her and loving her and I realized that all of our experiences together count. It all counts, even if it’s been messy. I’ve been trying so hard to overcome my patterning and trauma and she’s been right there with me, encouraging me and being patient with me as she kept pushing me to get there. One day, I really think I’ll write a mini-book about my relationship with precious Maggie, but for now, I wanted to share how she inspired me to see that I haven’t lost anything. I don’t have to make up for lost time or try to catch up. Our relationship has been exactly what it’s needed to be and she is okay with that. She has held space for me to grieve, rage, grow, heal and do it all over again for the last 10 years. It all counts. She came into my life for a reason and it all counts.
And so, I take a deep breath and let it out. And again. I smile. I hug myself. And I know that there is peace in the messy and in my unraveling. No matter how you are doing, please know that you count, your life matters, all of it counts and all of you counts.
Peace be with you 🌟♥️🌟♥️, Bradlee
This is me and part of Maggie from yesterday, she is a precious cutie pie.
A heart I drew from the book, The Art of Drawing Dangles, by Olivia A. Kneibler
Moving towards the uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, emotions, pains and everything else inside of me is bold. It’s amazing. It’s the opposite of what I had done for so so many years, and it’s the opposite of what we’re encouraged to do in North America.
For years now, I’ve learned various different approaches to my physical and mental health, and over time, it’s become easier to want to befriend all the parts of my inner world, including the uncomfortable ones.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I’m either tired or exhausted each day, and I feel soreness in my muscles, inflammation in my joints and brain, as well as other symptoms. I am also easily triggered into strong stress and trauma responses, which adds to my exhaustion. So, some of my daily life is uncomfortable. As a high achiever and recovering (hopefully!) perfectionist, leaning in to this discomfort is not something that has come easily. I have put so much effort into trying to be perfect, to keep up the appearance that everything is okay, that I am okay. Ya, so leaning in to those aspects of myself and my health that I had judged as flawed has not been easy.
Through the guidance of my therapists, trauma healing work, art, nervous system regulating practices, and self-compassion, I have been building up safety and trust within me. I was not a trust worthy person to myself before, because I had such a strong inner critic who would berate the “weaker” parts of me (explaining my inner critic’s role and how we’re getting to be friends is a whole other post or 10).
Creating that trust has been the work of over a year and it’s been beautiful to witness within me. That trust has allowed me to become a reliable confidante and friend to myself, to know that I can count on myself, to be able to recognize when it’s time to reach out for support, and to know that I am developing the skills to be kind to myself and to understand why it’s been difficult to do that before. It is such a blessing.
And so, today, when I’m tired, my muscles and head hurt, and I can feel inflammation, worry and stress building up, I can lean towards those feelings. I can say, “hey, I feel you, and I am with you. You are not alone and it’s okay to feel this way. What kind of support do you need today?” That is a big change from me berating myself, shoving down how I feel and just trying to keep going. It’s a new muscle that I’m building, “the kindness, compassion and leaning in muscle” so sometimes I revert back to my old ways to trying to protect myself through controlling how I am doing because those muscles are much stronger from years of use.
For example, yesterday, I noticed that I was trying to manage and control how I felt so that I could feel better. I was innocently doing all kinds of meditations and deep breathing tools to try not to feel crappy, and then I realized what I was doing. I was trying to push away and hurry away how I was feeling. I took a few deep breaths, gave myself permission to be uncomfortable and to move forward with more kindness, ease and allowing myself to be just as I was. It really made for a more gentle experience and nurtured that trust I am developing within myself. I can’t always change how I feel or how my health is, but I can influence how I experience each day.
And so, today and every day, may we all be blessed with the safety, support, resources, and tools to be kind to ourselves, to lean in to what is causing discomfort with curiousity, compassion and kindness, and to smile at ourselves and each other as we do what we can with our circumstances.
It’s the last day of 2025 for me, and I can’t help but think, “wow, this is the last time I’m going to eat lunch in 2025,” and “this is my last day in 2025, I’d love to make sure I enjoy the little moments.” Transitioning to a new year feels like a big deal to me, especially this year.
At the start of 2025, I participated in an art workshop for women, and I created a piece that was about giving myself permission to put myself first and to take care of my health.
My 2025 art piece
As I look back on 2025, I see how much I’ve been doing that. I’ve been learning so much and I am so proud of the changes I’ve made, the work I’ve done and the person I am becoming. I hung this canvas right by my bed and it is really refreshing to look at it when I wake up, go to bed and when I’m resting during the day.
I called 2025, “The Year of Self-Care,” with the words, “no more self-sacrifice, giving myself permission to heal, restore and be,” as a guide. I have been off work for over a year now to take care of my health and I’ve been taking steps to get to know myself more, to acknowledge, hold and heal my pain and to learn strategies for making healthier choices as I navigate life with chronic fatigue syndrome.
I don’t have life figured out any more than any one else, but I do know that I need rest. I’ve been learning how to give myself more quality rest and tools to help bring greater safety to my nervous system. Both of those are major accomplishments for me, woohoo!
I was inspired to reflect on 2025 and to get ready for 2026 by Self-Love Rainbow. In their December 29th newsletter, they recommended finding a word of the year. I love the content from Self-Love Rainbow because it’s always so full of compassion, care, respect, inspiration and cuteness. These are the prompts from their newsletter (in quotation marks) that I’m going to complete for myself below too:
“Choose Your Word of the Year: Choose a word-of-the-year to guide how you want to feel or show up this year. Not a goal. Not a personality overhaul. Just a concept you want to bring into your life.”
– My word of the year is rest.
“One Word for 2025: In the middle of a piece of paper, write down one word that describes this year. Then branch off from that and describe the things that made it feel that way. Honest answers only. Hard words are allowed.”
– Hard work! I know it’s supposed to be one word, but that is the main theme of this year. I applied for disability, advocated for myself, went to many appointments, tried so hard to fix myself, and then through therapy, started to slowly decompress and relax into being as I am. I am still slowing down from all the years where I kept going with chronic fatigue syndrome, even after a year off work. I think that speaks volumes to how much pressure I was putting on myself and how hard I was working to keep going. Both of those made it harder to feel into how I was actually doing physically and emotionally because I was so panicked about not applying for disability.
So ya, hard work really describes this year, so does slowing down, exploring permission for myself, developing more compassion for myself, learning to hug myself on the inside, learning to speak about my hurt and bring it to life through art therapy, learning to notice when I was making decisions that weren’t in my best interests and learning why I was doing that, etc. I’ve really loved 2025, as hard as it’s been. I feel reborn even though I’m unwell and exhausted. It’s like my spirit is feeling renewed and seen, and that’s really refreshing. May that continue!
“One Word for Your Needs Right Now: If your body or heart could speak in one word, what would it ask for?”
-Rest!
“One Word for Who You Are: Not who you should be. But the person you are when no one else is asking something from you.”
-Relaxed. Quiet. Reflecting. Peaceful. Sad. Lonely. Healing. Learning. Evolving. Shedding. I couldn’t just think of one word, because I often feel different, depending on what is going on.
My word for 2026 is rest, and as a part of that, I’d like to focus on being exactly as I am, not better, not healed, not like I was when I was younger, but me, all of me, exactly as I am each day, even if it’s uncomfortable to be me. I’d like to not fight myself in 2026, but turn towards myself with open arms and a willingness to learn, hold space for myself and love myself. I don’t need to excel at this, but gently aim for it, give myself grace and compassion on the hard days and know that’s okay even if I resist my life or fight myself sometimes.
May your 2026 be full of peace, grace, ease, happiness and joy. And if you need inspiration to reflect on 2026, I totally recommend checking out Self-Love Rainbow’s site and workbooks (no pressure!). I’ve learned a lot about myself from their helpful and sweet tools!
Burning it all down – art that came from a part of me that is reclaiming her voice and power
Flames make me feel powerful and like I have a choice. I have so much power buried within me, because for so long I couldn’t use my voice and power. If I did, I was unsafe, so I learned to keep it down as a coping strategy. The more I learn about trauma and how our nervous system adapts, the easier it is for me not to shame or blame myself, but to have compassion for what I’ve gone through and to reach out to the most hurt parts of me.
I’ve started slowly, with baby steps in therapy, and art therapy and over the course of the last 2 years, I’ve been feeling safer to meet the pain, hurt and trauma within me. Really, it’s been a life long journey, and these last 2 years have enabled me to go to the next layer within me.
Sometimes, I feel this irritation inside me and I don’t always know where it’s coming from. I get physical symptoms with that irritation too, and then sometimes it builds into anger, then rage, then murderous rage. So this morning, I decided to say to that irritation, hey, do you want to share what you’re about? How you’re helping me by feeling this way?
After I went for a walk, it built up big time and I was worried about what I was going to do with the intensity of it. I decided to take some space and take a shower and then I saw the image above in my head, and I realized exactly what the irritaion and anger were about. They were about all the times I said yes instead of no. All the times I felt so choiceless to do what I wanted/needed. All the times I didn’t think I had the right to do what was in my best interests. And, boy oh boy, was a part of me MAD about it.
I got out my art supplies and just painted flames after flames and then painted myself and wrote the words I was hearing inside on top of the flames, such as:
No more!
I can say no and what I need to feel safe!
I am stronger by having boundaries and taking care of my needs
Burning up the powerlessness
Burning down the obligations and hyper-responsibility for others. I can choose for me!
etc.
The most freeing part of this art and realization was that these feelings are no one’s fault. I felt choiceless for so so many reasons and that was carrying into every area of my life. Making this art helped me to recognize that and take responsibility for how I move forward. It’s not that simple, because this is a life long coping strategy, and I’ll still feel choiceless and powerless many times, but now I understand more the impact that has had on me and I can treat myself with more compassion and learn more how I can bring healing to those parts of me.
I love having these realizations because they make me feel less shame and they help me understand myself. I also love making art about my big feelings because I get to contain them on a page as opposed to holding them in my body. Sharing my art is a vulnerable thing, but this one feels safe to share because it’s such an explosion of feelings and power, and it makes me feel good to write about it on my blog.
May you be blessed with an abundance of safety in your inner and outer worlds and may your heart be light. Thank you for reading!
Resourcing art – I am worthy of taking this time to reset, rest and heal
In the last year, I have been learning the concept of “resourcing.” The way I understand it, resourcing is a way of building up your inner resources of reserves through doing things that nourish you and replenish you. I started really delving into making resourcing art after I started working with an incredibly wonderful and supportive art therapist in February 2025. She taught me that it’s important to build up your resources before delving into heavy topics, like trauma, and that it’s important to do that afterwards too.
I go through time periods where so much healing happens over the course of a few weeks, and she’s taught me that I packed my bags, went on the journey, climbed the mountain (the grit phase) and then afterwards I need to give myself grace, and unpack the bags, and build up my resources before the next adventure/exploration of my inner world.
I love that concept so much. It helps me be kinder to myself and to know that I can listen to the rhythms of my body and heart and follow them without shame or judgement. It’s like a breath of fresh air.
I went through a lot of healing in November of this year, and for the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of resourcing. For me that looks like following along with various deep breathing meditations, doing activities to stimulate the rest and digest part of my nervous system, doing lymphatic system exercises, going for a few more short walks, and doing some nourishing resourcing art.
Here are a few examples of my resourcing art from the last year:
I had so much fun painting these guys from a go fish deck of cardsI used an art book for kids for inspiration for this oneOtters make me so happy!I cut out Christmas paper into Christmas shapes and made a super cute scene
Resourcing art for me is not about trying to be really good at art, it’s more about letting my younger self have some fun and be soothed through creativity, and focus. I have also been copying some designs from a beautiful art book I borrowed from the library and there is something so soothing about following directions to make the art. It’s takes the thought out of it and just allows me to relax and create. Here are some examples:
My art based on Olivia A. Kneibler’s book, “The Art of Drawing Dangles.”
What I love most about resourcing art and other resourcing activities is that they give me a chance to tune in to what I need. It’s lovely to take a moment and get quiet to learn what I need in that moment, or if I can’t get quiet inside, then to just start copying some art out and allowing it to soothe me. I find puzzles very soothing too, especially if my mind is racing. It gives me a chance to organize the pieces, which apparently stimulates dopamine, which is a feel good chemical in the brain.
As we approach the end of 2025, may we all be inspired with creative, caring and compassionate ways to meet ourselves where we are and to take some time to identify what will help us feel more balanced, happy, healthy and at peace.
I have recently learned about the value of writing out the tough feelings I have, without limits or censoring, and then ripping it up.
I was a bit skeptical at first, but there is something so freeing about writing with no limits until my hand hurts, and feeling all the emotion pouring out onto the page. The tearing and ripping part is extremely satisfying too.
I’m seeing a nurse practitioner who is a functional medicine specialist and she said that it would help me in my healing journey to get my feelings out. She even said that I may stay sick if I don’t get the feelings out. I am a very self-aware person and I honestly thought I was processing my feelings and getting them out through the art therapy I am doing. And there is no doubt I am, but it’s a different type of getting it out to write things I would never be able to say out loud, the deep, dark, really nasty things, and then tearing it up so I can let it go.
The first time I did it, I had no idea what I was going to write about, but then I just kept writing letter after letter to people who had made me feel uncomfortable, hurt or violated and all these powerful words, feelings and thoughts came right out onto the page. I’ve probably done it 10 times or more now and it’s always very liberating. Especially when I swear and say things out loud while I’m ripping the papers. I even brought some of the paper scraps outside a few weeks ago and burned them, all while loudly cursing, and letting other words flow out and then I stomped on the ashes. Oh ya, that was pretty damn satisfying.
It’s funny, because I’m a nice, gentle and caring person, but I also have a fierce, and powerful part of me, and that part came out and took the lead in helping me express these emotions that I banished to deep parts of myself because they weren’t “nice” enough to acknowledge. Well, now I am acknowledging them and it feels good. I feel like my power was lost when I hid those deep and dark feelings away, or maybe it just took a lot of power to keep those feelings locked deep inside me. I’m not sure, but writing, ripping and tearing is helping me access them. My art therapist was very supportive of the approach too, so the technique has the backing of a few health care professionals, which is neat!
Are there some scary or stagnant feelings that you want to let out and move on from? If so, you can consider if you’d like to give this a try. If you have lots of unprocessed trauma or trauma that you are processing, you may want to do it close to an appointment with a therapist or other mental health care professional or with a close condfidante so you can have any support if triggering feelings or situations come up in your writing.
I find doing some gentle things after writing helps, like putting my hand on my heart and taking a few deep breaths and telling myself that I am here, or doing some havening, which is deeply comforting. Havening is when you use your hands to gently rub your legs or your arms. It may be other things too, but that’s what I’ve learned so far from how far I’ve gotten in my Primal Trust program. Here’s a video of me doing the havening that I learned. My cutie husband stands up at the end, so you may get a glimpse of him :).
I am really enjoying learning new ways of taking care of myself. May you be inspired about the best ways for taking care of yourself and may we all remember that we are very worthy of healing, even if it’s been a long, long journey, like mine.
PhD in Being Me 