PhD in Being Me

Tag: mindfulness

  • For days when my symptoms kick my ass

    Tired me

    Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass.  And today is one of those days.  To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.  

    I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both.  It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills.  It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.

    Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there.  Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.

    I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do.  I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps.  But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.

    I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell.  I am very grateful for that!  I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health.  And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).

    One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.

    May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💖💖💖

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Getting older

    Photo of Bradlee's left hand
    My 46 year old hand

    I am different lately.  Turning 46 has been a big one for me.  I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can  tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around.  My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.

    I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time.  I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years).  I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that. 

    I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country.  I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come.  I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.

    I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life.  I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.

    I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this.  I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country.  I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs.  None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46.  My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief.  Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long?  I wonder 🌸🌟.

    Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done.  You have made it.  No matter what the future holds, I am with you.  Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all.  Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it.  I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.

    Big hugs, xoxo ❤️, Bradlee

    Red hearts of different sizes on a black background

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Letting it all out through allowing

    A cliff face with waterfalls

    Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings.  Sometimes I distract myself.  But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.

    I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes.  I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here.  I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away.  I am here.”  Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat. 

    That makes a lot of sense to me.  I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s.  It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others.  It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it.  I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious.  It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.

    Ah, hindsight, eh?  The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me.  So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.

    As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:

    • I am here for you and with you.  You are welcome here.
    • I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
    • I love you and I am here.  Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
    • You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
    • I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?

    The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments.  Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion.  I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.

    I look forward to sharing an update in the future. 

    May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Reflections

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water.
    The gorgeous sky reflected in the water

    It is easy to not feel good sometimes.  It is easy to amass all kinds of evidence about my shortcomings, failures and deficiencies.  It is much harder, sometimes, to focus on all that is going well and all the good I bring to the world.

    A few weeks ago, I was sitting by the creek where I live, and I was feeling down.  It took me a few minutes to be still within myself, to even notice my surroundings.  I felt how restless I was and decided to look at the water as a way of soothing myself. That was when I noticed how beautiful the sky looked reflected in the water.

    I started looking up and down the creek to see the reflections.

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water
    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water

    No matter where I looked, it was so beautiful, clear and inspiring.  I really started to consider how I could apply that perspective to my life.  Yes, I was feeling down, no doubt about it, but those reflections gave me the courage to acknowledge what was good in my life, all while being kind to myself and respecting how I was feeling.

    And so today, I am here, feeling grateful for my life, and the opportunity I have to notice my feelings and to write about them in this way.  I am grateful that I am learning more about shame, and how worthless I feel sometimes, especially when I think I have failed in some way.  I am grateful to have the word shame to help me understand what I  have felt all these years.  I am grateful for all the resources that are available to me to help me understand and care for myself even better.  I am grateful for my breath and my body for helping me be more grounded when I am feeling unsafe or unworthy.  I am grateful for the chance to smile at someone so we can share our humanity and connect, even just in passing.  I am grateful for nature for inspiring me to have more compassion for myself.

    When you look in the mirror today, may it reflect all the goodness you have within you so clearly. When you breath in and out today, may you feel safe, grounded and wholly accepted by yourself. When you think today, may your thoughts be filled with so much love and compassion for yourself.

    Life can be tricky, hard, and unfair, and to balance that out a bit, may we all see reflections of our goodness, worthiness, and love everywhere we look.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • So Beautiful – a poem

    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    So Beautiful

     
    This dance of pain, exhaustion, joy and love
    Is so so beautiful

    How could I trade the way I am and the ways I experience life
    When it leads to such depth of feeling?

    The love I feel in my heart for humanity this morning is so precious
    So all encompassing, pure and full of tenderness
    And yet the exhaustion I feel is so painful, difficult and heart wrenching

    All of it is so beautiful

    Only because of the depth of my experiences can there be such beauty
    Such connection with my cells that I feel their fatigue and exhaustion
    Such openness to and awareness of the love that I am, that we all are

    Smile dear one, everything is just as it needs to be
    You don’t need to change or fix yourself or others
    Breathe deeply

    And again

    And again

    There you go.  Put your hand on your heart.

    You are so loved and you are love, no matter how messy, painful, difficult or impossible life is.

    No more comparing to others, no more self-blame, judgement or hate.

    You are so so so beautiful, just as you are.

    A note from me: whether you’re struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome like me, or any other mental or physical health challenges, I see you.  May this poem uplift and validate you, and may you be blessed with so much love. 

    I chose a photo of a double rainbow from a few weeks ago for this post. It is miraculous and spectacular but it is against a cloudy sky.  That same contrast is what helps us feel the highs of life, and the lows. Without the cloudy sky, I may not have noticed that there were two rainbows outside instead of two.  May you receive be aware of and receive the gifts in all of your highs and lows.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Welcome into my heart

    A heart made of daisies

    I have a big, caring heart

    I love sharing my heart with others and inviting them in to sit at my heart’s warm hearth

    To rejuvenate, restore, be filled up so I can hold space for them

    This is who I am at my core

    A big, caring, welcoming heart who wants to share her love, compassion, and openness

    I forget this sometimes, and that is when I need more self-care and quiet time to sit with and reconnect with the warmth in my own heart

    I haven’t always known about my heart and it’s incredible openness and generosity

    And now that I do, after many, many years of healing from self-hate and learning to turn inward, all I want is to tend the fire in my heart so I can share it with others

    Welcome into my heart, may it bless you with all you need to be reminded and reconnected with the glory within your own heart and being

    Welcome into my heart, just as you are

    May you be well

    A small red fabric heart held on two open palms

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Breathing in and actually letting it out

    Northern lights with blue and green hues
    Magic can happen when we let ourselves feel the whole experience of being human

    Today feels like the kind of day where I need to remember to breathe in and out. To be with the rhythm of my breath, to breathe in, feel everything that is uncomfortable and actually breathe it out.

    As I have written before, I am learning to be inspired by nature. Over the past few weeks, there has been freezing rain, lots of snow and very mild weather. I have seen trees cut down, and wasps coming out of their early winter sleep. Nature is whispering, “hey, it’s okay if things aren’t permanent. They’re meant to change, and so are you. Aligning with your breath is one way to remember that.”

    And so, I breathe in, feel it all, exhale, and let whatever I have been holding onto out.

    Whatever you are feeling today, I invite you to join me in putting your hand on your heart, smiling gently at yourself and inhaling nice and slow. If it feels right to you, give yourself a little compliment or some affirming words like, “hey honey, I am with you no matter what,” and breathe out. May you feel love, peace and comfort with every breath you take.

    Big hugs.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2023.

  • Life on country roads

    A country road with a beautiful sunset in the background
    A cozy country road where I live with a gorgeous sunset

    Several years ago, I heard a beautiful analogy that really applied to my life: the different types of roads and the speeds allowed on each one to understand the various phases of life.

    Right now, I am traveling on country roads. I can speed up and get on a two lane highway for a short period of time, but then I have to exit, and drive onto the roads with a lower speed limit and no passing allowed.

    As I have written before, having chronic fatigue syndrome has been a huge adjustment for me, and really, it still is. I remember all the super fun and amazing stuff I did when I had more energy. I loved the fast pace of life when I was younger, but I also really craved down time to rest and be by myself. Now, I know how to spend time by myself without feeling lonely, and I love being quiet, resting, and driving on the country roads of my life at a slower speed.

    There are many aspects of life that I have missed now that I am not traveling on the highways of my life, but there are many things I was missing on those roads. Living life at a slower speed and with physical limitations has taught me to truly BE with myself while I live. I have a deeper relationship with myself than I did before; I have learned to trust myself, to know what food and habits are best for me, and how to advocate for myself.

    Exiting the highway and taking the country roads has been a privilege, even though at times it has felt like I got a really bad speeding ticket and haven’t been allowed on the highway 🙃.

    Finding the blessings on the country roads has been awesome. I am so grateful for what these country roads are teaching me. I am a stronger and more compassionate person thanks to my time on these roads. Wherever you are in your life, may your journey be blessed with peace, love, light, and healing, and may you appreciate the view, no matter what speed you live at ❤️❤️.

    Thanks for reading and big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

    A dog sleeping on his back on a couch, completely stretched out!
    This is our dog Archie, he is the master of relaxation sometimes, and super high-energy and playful at other times

  • Phases of life: micro versus macro

    A close up image of delicate purple flowers with a yellow center.
    When I am in a micro stage of life, I focus on what’s closest to me in greater detail and I don’t have as much energy for the bigger perspective or activities
    A field of purple flowers, with lots of sky, slightly out of focus
    When I am in a macro stage of life, my focus is much broader and I can see the bigger picture and I have more energy to explore

    I am working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and that means learning about myself, noticing what I am feeling, and adjusting as necessary.

    Lately, I have really started to understand that I go through phases where I have a micro or a macro focus. I used some images above to try to illustrate my experiences in both phases. I will also elaborate with some examples.

    Currently, I am in a major micro phase. I work each day and beyond that, I really only want to focus on taking care of my mind, heart, body and energy, and taking care of my family and home. I have tried using social media, but it’s like I have an aversion to it. More likely though, I am being called inward, and as a result, my focus is much more narrow, or micro (small). In the past, I might have thought there was something wrong with me, but now I can feel the call inward and the narrowing of my focus, and I honor it. I am smiling as I type this, it feels good to be getting to know myself more. It also feels good to notice my ever evolving experience of life. I had thought that staying steady was the hallmark of success as a human. I was so wrong, hence my smiling as I write this.

    This summer, I was in a macro phase. I was excited about my new job, the project proposal I was working on, and the feeling of being able to swim a bit more than last summer. My chronic fatigue syndrome symptoms weren’t as strong and I loved being in the cool river water. I spent time with family and friends, and I could feel the future I dream about where I am a self help author and speaker. It was lovely. Partway through September, I started feeling the inward pull and the need for quiet and simplicity. Isn’t that beautiful? Neither phase is better than the other, they are equally valid ways of experiencing life.

    Sigh…..deep breath…..relief. No self-judgement, just glorious space to be exactly as I am, exactly as you are.

    Where are you in your life? Do you experience similar phases to mine or different ones? No matter how you are experiencing life right now, may you be blessed with peace, compassion, love and inner harmony.

    With love ❤️, Bradlee

    Ps, I listened to this song on repeat while writing this post. It is absolutely gorgeous. May we all be blessed to hold ourselves, no matter what we are living through.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Orange and yellow clouds against a purple and blue sky. Birds are flying across the sky.
    Learning to fly takes practice, and sometimes going back to our nest is required xoxoxo

    I used to think that I was broken because I can feel things so deeply in my mind, body, soul and heart. I used to think I was not good enough because I was always working on myself.

    In writing on this blog, and reading my beautiful friend Carla’s comments, and the comments of some other fabulous friends on Facebook, I can see that I have been looking at myself all wrong.

    As I’m working on myself and learning to get a PhD in Being Me, I’m not broken. I am damn good enough. What I’m doing is building resilience. I’m not repairing or fixing myself, I am learning to be me, and what I need to do to thrive in this world as me.

    What do you need dearest reader? What can I write about that will help you become more resilient, and to embody more of you? Please share in the comments or on the Contact me page. You matter and I care very much about what I write for you. I invite you to help me meet your needs better by sharing with me!

    Big hugs!

    A 4 minute video about my struggles and how I am building resilience each time I make it through hardship