PhD in Being Me

Tag: pain

  • The burden I carry

    A hand holding up a lit up light bulb against a starry sky
    Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

    I have become more aware of the emotional wounds I have lately. Over the last several years, I have often felt very heavy, tired and weighed down. It’s like I am carrying a heavy load that is made up of all the past hurts and traumatic events in my life. Some days, I don’t even notice the weight and other times I am so very aware of the load I am carrying and it feels like a tremendous burden.

    In the past, I wanted to ignore or push away that burden. I wanted nothing to do with it and I did everything I could to try to “magic” it away through various healing modalities. Here I am, several years later, and I am much older, wiser and kinder to myself, but I am still carrying this emotional weight.

    This afternoon on a walk, it came to me that it is okay to carry this burden. It is a very valid burden to carry. It represents my pain and trauma, and those of my ancestors. I am carrying it for all of us, and I will continue to carry it, hold it and witness what it has to share for as long as is necessary. This emotional burden is no different than having an injured knee, hip or shoulder. You can’t see me physically limping or adjusting how I hold a physical burden, but I am carrying it nonetheless.

    And maybe it isn’t actually a burden? Maybe the fact that I am aware of these emotional wounds and weight automatically converts it from something that is a burden to carry to something I can be honoured to carry for myself, for my family and for those who came before me? Maybe in my family, we’ve been carrying it for a long time and I will have the opportunity to break any cycles of abuse, neglect, hurt and harm, but not before carrying it, understanding it, nurturing it and thanking it.

    Those are a lot of maybes, but they feel like good maybes. Maybe today is the day where I see things differently, from a burden to an honour, and from that place, only good can come? Just this week, I started seeing a therapist to better understand trauma, intergenerational trauma, the effect trauma has on our brains and bodies, and to learn how I can better nurture myself. I am excited, scared, nervous and ready. Maybe this post reflects all of those feelings?

    No matter where you are in your journey of tending to and caring for your emotional wounds and burdens, I send you many blessings of care, respect, peace and deep, deep healing. May your heart be light and may you be well.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Melting

    A tray of ice cubes with flames on top.

    This morning when I woke up, I thought of melting.

    I had an image in my mind of me being in an ice block and how I have been thawing out and melting away those layers of hardness and rigidity that I was aware of but couldn’t just push or wish away.  It appears I needed to deeply feel my pain and the resulting rigidity, and I needed time to process, rest and heal.

    Sometimes in the spring, as everything thaws, I feel very exposed and vulnerable.  This makes sense, as I have been going through a lot of emotional healing and turmoil.  So when I woke up and saw that imagery in my mind of melting ice, I felt great.  It made me feel like I have survived a very delicate and difficult time in my life and that I am emerging from a frozen and in process-type of state.

    As with all feelings, I tend to think it’s going to last forever.  Like when I was so sick a few weeks ago, I was sure I was never going to get better.  And today, I feel reborn and renewed, and I want this feeling to last forever.  I honour that desire, as who wouldn’t want to feel great more often than not?! 

    I believe that’s where I am learning to cultivate more compassion for myself.  Compassion for the one who wants constancy, and good health.  For the one who loves feeling empowered over broken down yet again.  For the one who wants to pre-select aspects of my human experience, as opposed to being open to experiencing it all, no matter if it’s what I would choose or not.

    Wherever you are in your human experience, I honour you, no matter if you’re feeling broken down or uplifted.  I have found new courage and trust in life and in myself this morning, after many years of feeling super delicate, broken and deeply sad.  Maybe the glory of what I am feeling today is in direct proportion to the depth of the pain and difficulty I have experienced?  I don’t really know, but I hope my sharing helps you feel seen, witnessed and cared for, no matter what your inner and outer circumstances of life are.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Numb

    I remember it
    Walking through life empty
    A shell of myself
    With no hope for life to be any different

    I remember the terrible loneliness
    The sense that everyone else had it figured out but me
    The longing to have a purpose and an existence greater than the numbness
    But thinking that was reserved for others

    I have felt this numb emptiness many times in my life and it is back for a visit

    It reminds me of how hard everything can be
    And how hopeless
    I am an outsider in my own life and everyone is looking in and seeing me
    So desperately alone and lost
    But continuing their lives with full, happy hearts

    This numbness is like a little baby bird that fell out of the nest instead of launching itself into flight, ready for life

    This numbness reminds me that a part of me is in desperate need of being loved, witnessed and seen, just as it is.

    This numbness is calling to me asking me for validation instead of burying it deeper, while I focus on my to do list

    This numbness is my innocence crying out to me about how lost and shattered it is, asking me, begging me to stop, to breathe. To reach down tenderly and caress it and coddle it before bringing it to the cozy nest in my heart.

    Thank you dear precious numbness. Thank you for reminding me how long it’s been since we have connected. Thank you for reminding me how hard life is when you take the lead and I haven’t nurtured you to a loving, hand holding place by my side.

    Thank you numbness for reminding me that our world is rapidly changing, shattering and breaking down so we can all learn to walk hand in hand with our pain, numbness, innocence and vulnerability. Thank you precious numbness. I love you.

    Note from Bradlee: I felt so much better after writing this. One of my goals is to write about the things we don’t often talk about. There is a freedom in doing that and it is my honor to share so deeply about my experience of life. I think there are times when we all feel numb, worthless, scared, ashamed, etc., and I don’t think we can avoid those times. I believe it’s more about what we do when we feel like that. This writing is my way of comforting and acknowledging my numbness. May it lighten the load of numbness and pain for all. Thank you for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Garbage on the side of the road

    Garbage on the side of the road, including a can and papers
    I see this a lot in my town

    Hurt people hurt people.

    I have heard that around and in my experience it is also true. I also think hurt people hurt the planet by throwing garbage on the side of the road.

    I remember many years ago when I believed I was worthless and not precious or a treasure. I remember feeling empty and lost and like I didn’t matter. When I see garbage on the side of the road, I think about how much pain people must be in to do that.

    The more I have healed and cultivated love for myself, the more I care for and respect our planet and all her creatures. I wonder if those who throw garbage on the ground do it because they don’t know how to love themselves or they don’t believe they are even loveable. It must be hard to care for the planet from that place.

    In my experience of pain and self-hatred, I often acted in self-destructive ways. I think throwing garbage on the road is a big cry for help, as that person isn’t just being self-destructive but destructive of their environment too. In my little country town, I find lots of empty beer cans and cannabis packaging, which seems like an even bigger cry for love, support, help, acknowledgment, and validation.

    If you are in a place where you are struggling with self-destructive behaviors or self-hatred, I see you. I am holding you in my heart and surrounding you with love. May you be blessed with an abundance of healing and love.

    May every choice you make be healthy. May all of your decisions lead to your healing. May you know how worthy you are no matter how deeply you hurt.

    Big hugs from my heart to yours!

    A row of people facing away with their arms on each other's shoulders.
    We all need more love and support and less judgment

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved