PhD in Being Me

Tag: physical health

  • Softening instead of fighting

    A cloudy sky with rays of sunshine poking through the clouds in all directions, like it's trying to melt the clouds.
    The sky being absolutely gorgeous on a walk with my pup

    Here I am, reflecting on being on disability leave from my job for the last year a half.  Am I better?  Am I able to go back to work?  The answer to both of those questions is still no, but I sure have gained a lot in this time off, even if my health is still so limiting.

    My normal was to fight, resist, downplay and deny my symptoms, emotions and reality.  In fairness to myself, that type of behavior is pretty common in our society in North America, and is modelled in many households and institutions and systems.  Living that way allowed me to survive, earn money, and keep going despite major health limitations, so it served a purpose, but it was also harmful.

    I think of the difference between how comforting it is to be covered with a soft, warm blanket, compared to sitting on a hard chair, shivering.  Or cuddling with a favorite pet and sharing love and warmth, versus being alone, and shoving down feelings. 

    It’s pretty obvious that some of those scenarios are cozy, warm and nourishing, whereas the others are bleak, lonely and tough.  I am craving that softness, comfort, slowing down and gentleness big time, and I’m really learning how to meet my needs instead of shove them down.  I have been through a lot, I am living through a lot and I am worthy of giving myself care, compassion and grace. 

    Through various healing modalities, such as therapy, art therapy, a nervous system rehabilitation program, craniosacral therapy, functional medicine, sound healing, exercise, lymphatic self-massage, I have learned to be kinder to myself and to sit with my health in reality instead of in denial.  I am softening into who I am and what I need. 

    My therapist once said something like, “it’s important to notice what you need and then pay attention to what you’re actually doing and ask if your actions are helping to meet that need or not.”  I use those words to help me remember to soften instead of reverting to denying, fighting, resisting, myself and my reality.

    For example, I have a long to do list today.  None of the tasks are urgent, nor are they complex, but I could feel a deep need to write, so I chose to honour my needs first before tackling the to do list.  And maybe I don’t have to tackle the list, maybe I can approach it gently, check in with my energy today, and pick one that feels easy. 

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is complex as f&^k, but softening and gently remembering to meet my needs makes life better despite it all.  And that is what I told my disability case manager today.  I have a lot more tools, a lot more awareness of my needs and what I can do to take care of myself, even if my health is actually worse than at the last check in. 

    And so, here I am, being gentle with myself, especially the part of me who is worried about my financial future if I end up needing to medically retire.  Softening towards myself doesn’t solve the problems of real life, but it does make it easier to explore the problem and the various solutions, instead of fighting, which tends to limit the amount of options available.

    And so I wish you all the softening you crave and may the people in your life treat you with that softness and care too.  Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖,

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Overwhelmed by my own needs

    A deep cavern with red walls.
    Sometimes meeting my needs feels like an impossible task, like trying to climb out of this cavern

    Yesterday I heard the title of this post inside of me, and I silently agreed with it.  It is a sad thing to be overwhelmed by my own needs, so I did the following things:

    • I gave myself some comfort and sat with that overwhelm.
    • I realized I was grateful to even be aware of my needs, even though they change and sometimes feel unmeetable.
    • I told myself that I am doing a great job doing my best and that maybe it was okay not to meet all of my needs. 

    It felt great to take some pressure off of myself and to settle more deeply into being me, just as I am. 

    I wondered if others struggle with this and how they may cope with their needs.  Sometimes I think I just need to pause more and take some deep, caring breaths for myself to shift my perspective and other times I feel like I need a week of being by myself so I can rest, reset and recharge.  The first suggestion is much easier to implement as is taking the step to actually write out my needs.  My guess is that they will seem much more reasonable if I write them out.  Also, not comparing my needs to the needs of others would help, especially since they aren’t me.

    I am very blessed to be a gentle, delicate, and sensitive person who also has strong and powerful parts.  I am grateful that I am so in tune with my body and that I keep learning from it’s cues.  I am also so grateful to have supportive family and friends, and a new helpful therapist.  Working through this book is also helping me better understand myself and my needs too: https://www.selfloverainbow.com/the-self-love-rainbow-workbook-is-here/

    I think that having needs makes me human.  My needs are uniquely my own.  My needs have taught me to show greater compassion and empathy to those who have similar needs and struggles.  My needs have also made me a powerful advocate and supporter for those who need accommodations to meet their needs (or more aptly put, to remove barriers) in the workplace.

    So no matter what your needs are, may you know them, be inspired about how to meet them, and may you know you are no less of a person for having needs.  In fact, I think needs are fabulous, whether they overwhelm me or not from day to day.  So whether you have chronic fatigue syndrome, post concussion symptoms, anxiety and trauma like me, or your own circumstances, may you know and understand your needs and may you celebrate every small step you take to meeting those needs.

    Baby birds in a knot of wood in a barn
    These are tiny baby birds who had just come out of their nest in a deeper hole in the wood.  They had lots of needs and they were so cute, and so are we, even with our needs.