Frost patterns that mirror the natural and raw beauty of what is described in my poem below
Reaching in, reaching out
I see an image of me reaching in.
Reaching inwards to the depths of my being, reaching to find myself.
I feel myself stirring, awakening and stretching.
I hear the giant yawn that slowly turns into a growl, then grows louder
And louder
Until it roars with the joy of its awakening.
I hear that roar and I smile.
I stand up straighter, taller and with more power coursing through my limbs.
My smile broadens as I know that I am now more whole, stronger, more complete.
I no longer feel like I’m reaching in, but instead, that I’m reaching out
That my long lost self is reaching out to me, thanking me for my patience while it slumbered, rested, and built up strength for the next phase of my life.
It is reaching out and upwards while simultaneously filling my entire being with its strength, power and wisdom.
With every breath I take, may I feel more united with this gorgeous, wild and untamed part of myself.
May I listen to its roar and its desires and hear its wishes.
May I know that I am the soft whispers I have been feeling for the last several years and this incredible new roar that has emerged.
Today, I feel like I am a snake who is getting ready to shed my skin. Except that I I don’t want to just shed my skin, I want to shed more.
I want to shed my old, victim like ways.
I want to shed this safe resting place that I have taken shelter and refuge in.
I want to shed this fear and the echoes of trauma that keep calling and calling to me.
I want to shed this little prison and its shackles so I can explore the rest of me, the rest of life, the entirety of my potential to grow, expand, shine and make a beautiful difference in the world.
Here I am, like the snake in the picture, except, I have one eye open.
That eye is looking outward, feeling the fire and rage within and it’s gauging if today is the day to shed it all.
I take a deep breath in. I smile and roar within me and open both eyes and climb off that safe branch.
I stretch as far as I can, both into and away from myself.
I feel the layers of the old, flaking and crumbling off of me as I slither and stretch and climb up, and up, and up to a new view point on life.
I start to feel more free, less encumbered, weighed down and trapped by the confines of my previous existence.
I open my mouth and feel a roar coming up from within me. A roar that makes no sense because up until now I’ve been a roar-less snake who has been curled up, safe and protected from harm and from my past.
But today, I have shed my old self and I am a lion. A proud, strong and gorgeous lion with a roar that shakes the trees and sends ripples into the oceans.
I am a lion, one who has walked the Earth for millennia, bringing new life, power and strength to all who see and hear me.
I am a lion, fierce, proud, and scarred from battles but ready to stand strong and fight for myself and for those who are healing. The ones who are curled up and incubating in the echoes of their past until it is their time to shed the old and walk the Earth anew. Afire. Awash with their strength. Full of roars and power. Just like I am becoming today.
Here I am Life. Hear me roar. I am Mighty. I am ancient and brand new. I am both a whisper and a mighty roar. I am it All, re-arisen from the ashes of my past, with a new body, new skin, new image, and new confidence. I am roaring and I am glorious.
To those who can’t yet roar, I am here, roaring, prowling, and making the path clear and safe for you, for your emergence, for your shedding and for your transformation.
For you and for us, I roar. In honor of our collective pain, traumas, and past, I roar. Peace be with you as you rest, incubate and heal. I will be here, ready to rejoice when we can roar together and set our world free.
I wrote this poem in 2016 or so. It is very special to me, as it very beautifully describes how I learned to turn around within myself to find me. No preamble or explanation can really set the stage better than the poem itself. May it inspire you to further emergence of your most wonderful self. xoxoxoxo
Emergence – a poem
What if all the longing I felt my whole life was just so simple?
What if I thought I longed for another, when really,
I was just longing for myself?
For my own attention,
comfort,
care,
compassion and
love?
What if every time I longed to be passionate about a cause like my friends
or to have a boyfriend or
a romantic encounter,
all I really wanted was for me to turn around
and take a look at the beauty and rawness that was always there?
What if all of the external things were only traps
that I unknowingly fell into again and again,
feeling the press and pressure to fall in
from society
from family
from what is expected
and normal
and what should be done?
What if now I’ve fallen enough times?
What if I choose to be done climbing out of the holes and traps?
What if I choose to turn around,
to be bold and brave
and to embrace the me that has always been here;
the real me,
the one who has been patiently waiting for me,
the one who never longed, desired, craved or grew angry?
The one who accepted me and all of the distractions I got caught up in,
knowing that at one point,
its love, benevolence and grace
would catch my true attention.
What would happen then?
What did happen….
I learned to turn around and
I found a raw, pure and innocent part of my being that has always been with me.
It has an unbroken connection to infinity
to the stars
to the universe
to the divinity within all.
I went for it.
I stepped toward it and it has been entering me and filling me since.
Where it will take me, I don’t know, but I’m not falling, I’m only
cycling with the waves of emotion that are rising up within me
from such a radical
yet obvious
choice.
Through a willingness to have an open heart,
to live from vulnerability instead
of from fear and protection
and a realisation that all of my dreams had come true
before I had even noticed,
I turned around.
At that point, the gateway to my vulnerability opened
and it was gently guided by a beautiful soul
who whispered to me,
who helped me turn around and thank myself. He helped me
to realise the beauty in my own heart and
to feel the purity and innocence within me;
radiating and pulsing like a star about to be born.
I am grateful to be here.
I am grateful to be emerging.
May I fly like the firefly,
landing gently on the arms of my fellow brothers and sisters,
I wrote this poem in 2017. It was when I knew that I could be kinder to myself and I was experimenting with how to do so. I remember just feeling so constrained and wondering what I was trying to measure up to and why. I like the strain in this poem and the dawning of the realization I was having. I feel like it’s a bit messy and I like it that way. I feel like it’s messy because the idea was so new to me, that there was less of the usual flow that’s in my writing. I invite you to check it out and may it help free you from any prisons of perfection you have been living in. Big hugs!!
False Perfection - a poem
What is the measure of perfection?
I have always strived for perfection without really ever having a true definition of perfection.
Recently I realized that it was some kind of false ideal that I was striving to, one that was unattainable, unrealistic and certainly not defined by me.
I was setting myself up to fail and to hate myself time and time again
As I was wanting to measure myself and my actions against a non-existent
Standard.
I have seen others hate themselves and berate themselves because they
Couldn’t measure up to their undefined standards of perfection.
Let’s rise up dear brothers and sisters.
Let us liberate ourselves from these false pretenses,
These false measures that are not based in any reality,
That are more like prisons that don’t have any walls.
Once you know there are no walls and everything is false
About the ideals we strive for that are not defined by any heart
Spirit or the Universe,
Then the false ideals fall away and
There is then time to get to know the way of the heart
The way that has always been there, waiting for the seeds of truth
To be planted within our hearts, once we step out of the darkness
Of the prison with no walls, into the gardens of our hearts,
Where there is always truth, nothing false and we remember
That everything is here to help us, even false pretenses.
Me, first thing in the morning, with beautiful Maggie
I wrote the poem below in April 2021. It is still so valid and really represents my journey in working towards a PhD in Being Me. It is very raw and vulnerable and makes me feel so proud of myself and how far I have come. May it inspire you too! xoxoxoxo
This is Me– a poem
Here I am
Burst open
Coming apart at the seams
Feeling emotional, happy, destroyed and broken
All at once
This is me
For years and years
I have tried to manage myself
Control myself
Force myself
Perfect myself
And all along
I was there
Waiting patiently under the surface
To be loved, seen, heard, valued and treasured
Just as I am
Here I am
Me
Anxious me
Sensitive me
Cautious me
Daring me
Chip eating and coke drinking me
The me who swears
The me who gets passionate about injustice
The me who is always trying to do the right thing because I care so much
The me who is so beautiful inside and out
Here I am
Me
I have stopped trying to compartmentalize me
Stopped trying to understand myself as a concept that can never be taught or mastered
But can only be lived as me
Holding my own hand from the inside out
Smiling at myself through all of my weaknesses and strengths
And moving forward anyway
Even if the way I feel, think, act and am isn’t in line with the vision of the perfect person I have nearly killed myself to be.
What if I’m just me
Exactly as I am
Just as I am
No more, no less
Just me?
I think it would be liberating and it would help me end the endless cycles of abuse I’ve been swirling in.
Today, I dare to do this.
Today, I hug myself instead of berate myself.
Today, I honor my battle scars and I tend to my wounds.
Today, I stop trying to be anyone other than me.
Today, I am just as I am.
With every breath I take, may I anchor greater personal freedom, liberation and acceptance for myself, for my family and for the wellbeing and evolution of all.
May you be blessed with the courage, strength and gentleness to be you, exactly you, just as you are.
I am with you, doing my best and being vulnerable as the beautiful, sweet soul I am and may you feel loved, just as you are.
My first heart pumpkin, it felt so right to put some love out on Halloween!
Walking Together – a poem
Hello my darling one,
I feel that my whole energy field is jangled and that there is a sensitivity on my skin because my nervous system is all out of whack.
How can I best help you dearest one?
You are so important to me, more than important than anything.
You matter to me like the Earth needs the sun and rain.
You matter to me like my inhalations and exhalations.
There is no me without you and I’m wondering how you are doing?
This is a really big change, a huge one. It’s one that used to shatter me into many pieces and it feels like that is happening again.
Oh, ya? Is that right? The shattering isn’t necessarily a bad thing? How is this shattering helping me do you think?
It’s giving me a chance to align myself differently with the world? To position myself from a place of confidence and authority, those positions that I have learned about and explored over the past several years?
Hmmm, that makes sense. What do you think I need to do to nurture myself during this shattering?
Breathe in confidence and breathe out doubt. Breathe in all the beauty that I am and smile for all that I thought I was that is now in millions of pieces on the ground.
Go outside, lay on the snow and smile and breathe deeply.
Here I am, I am here. As beautiful and vulnerable and cute as ever, but with a greater connection to myself and what matters to me.
Here I am, I am here, regardless of whether our foster dog is anxious, abused and recovering or not.
Here I am, I am here, precious, sensitive and in need of care.
Here I am, breaking the cycles of abuse within me and around me by daring to turn within to nurture myself and be with myself while I am processing, discovering, thriving and struggling.
Here I am.
I am here.
May I always be here for myself with every breath I take.
Note from me about this poem:
I wrote this poem in December 2022 shortly after we welcomed a new dog into our family. He was a stray dog and he had a lot of anxiety and trauma. I was completely overwhelmed by his needs at first and I wrote this poem to help me process what I was feeling. Lately, life has been giving me opportunities to approach circumstances differently than I used to. I felt very much like this was one of those times, but I wasn’t sure how to approach anything differently. Writing this helped me connect to that fear and overwhelm and gave my maturity a chance to rise up from the scattered pieces of myself to guide me. I love reading this again, it helps me. May we all be blessed with inspiration about how we can best help, guide, and support ourselves! Big hugs!! xoxoxo Bradlee
This photo reminds me of my wisdom and maturity coming up from within me, just like the sun rising above those beautiful clouds. This photo is from a gorgeous morning in Kemptville.
The theme of my last few weeks has been finding confidence.
Finding my:
self-confidence
ability to be confident and clear with others
inner confidence to live my life like I own it from the inside out.
The whole purpose of my blog is to share my journey with becoming an expert in being me, and this theme of finding confidence is a big part of me getting a Phd In Being Me.
In some ways, I am so very confident and capable and in other ways, I am very small, frightened, unsure and easily overwhelmed. I have these parts of me and they each interact with life in different ways. I have experienced both these last few weeks, so the difference between them has been rather eye-opening.
In December, I had an appointment with a therapist who told me that I am coming into my power after many years of being anxious and disempowered. She told me that it will take some time for me to become more confident and more able to use my voice to speak up more of the time. She also told me to not hit myself over the head with a big 2 by 4 when I’m not able to interact with the world from an empowered, confident place. She asked me to practice being patient with myself; that is something I have reminded myself of often and it really does help.
Last week, I felt my power and confidence emanating out of me. It was really special and wonderful to feel that way. I remember really finding that confidence during a walk I went on with our dogs. I was initially overwhelmed by how much our dogs were pulling on the leash during a walk. I then remembered that I am in charge and I don’t need to stay stuck in my default of being overpowered. Once I remembered that, my energy changed so much and I felt truly confident. My walk transformed from a battle into one of ease, excitement and enjoyment. It was so eye-opening and inspiring. The dogs can totally feel when I am in my disempowered place versus my empowered place and they respond to me accordingly. I really enjoyed experiencing so much more of my life last week from that empowered and strong place. I felt like I could accomplish anything and that I had a lot more strength within my heart, mind and body.
This week, I have been feeling more easily overwhelmed and not confident at all. I have bursts of confidence that have come through but it definitely has been only a small portion of the time. It is really fascinating and I’m grateful for how much more loving, patient and compassionate I am with myself now. It seems like I can’t always control whether I can live life from a confident place, but I sure can choose how I respond to the overwhelmed and disempowered parts of me. Lately, I have been telling them how much I love them, how important they are to me and thanking them for coming forward to share their pain with me. That always helps and allows me to give myself the love that I so crave when I’m not at my most confident or empowered.
It’s funny because if I had written this post last week when I was feeling very confident and empowered, it would have been very different. I guess this is the day I was meant to write it! I will make an effort to write again on a day when I feel super awesome so I can capture the difference.
With every word you read today, may you bring peace, harmony, unity and love to all the beautiful parts of you, no matter how good or bad they feel.
Thanks for reading! xoxoxoox
Bradlee
ps. I updated my poetry book page with a video of me reading a poem from the book. I invite you to check it out!
I have been writing poetry for several years now. Writing has helped and guided me through periods of massive personal growth. It has also helped me learn to connect with myself and learn to become an expert in taking care of myself.
I kept my writing in a drawer for quite awhile. When I slowly and shyly started sharing it with others, I started understanding how powerful my words were. And how they contained so much healing and acceptance.
I am so grateful to be able to transform my life experiences into poetry; lately I have been feeling the depth of my poetry’s alchemy. I feel its power to help heal, guide and validate others and I am humbled and grateful. And so, I am sharing the exciting news that I have published my first book of poems about grief, loss and transition. I am donating the proceeds to the Beth Donovan Hospice to thank them for all they did for me after my mom passed unexpectedly in February 2019. It is my hope that it brings peace, comfort and healing to all those who need it 💕. I invite you to learn more here:
I offer this new poem in honor of you and all the pain, heartache, grief and loss it has included. It is dedicated to my beautiful friend Carla ❤️. She has inspired me to know that no matter how agonizingly slow my personal growth and ability to self-love have seemed, it is okay. Some things take time.
Some things take time
“We don’t judge a fetus in utero for how long it takes until it is ready to be born. We don’t rush a flower to hurry up and bloom while the petals are still forming. We don’t expect a toddler to write a PhD thesis or to be able to drive a car.
So why do we rush ourselves through our healing? Why do we judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at?
Some things take time. The exact amount of time until they are ready, not because they are slow, doing anything wrong or broken. But just because that’s the amount of time they need.
If you are frustrated, angry or overwhelmed by the length, depth and breadth of your healing journey, I am with you. I have felt like this for the last 10 years. What I woke up this morning with is this, ‘Some things take time.’ I feel like there is so much truth in that.
Maybe if we can be with ourselves and sit in our discomfort and pain, we wouldn’t judge ourselves for being exactly where we are at. Maybe if our culture didn’t value doing over being, we would all expect a long period of healing in our lives and we would know that some things take time. Whatever the reasons, what matters is this: You are valid no matter what is going on in your life. You matter even if you have been in a tough spot for what feels like 100 years too long. You are a precious treasure even if you feel as worthless as the gum under a school desk or as gross as poop stuck to a shoe. You are special even if you have been crying, yelling, grieving, hating or fearing for longer than you ever wanted to. With each breath you take today and every day, may all cycles of abuse within your life and those around you be completely healed and resolved. With every judgement, may you love yourself more than ever before. With every moment you choose to be instead of do, may our societal expectations of value from doing be completely healed and transformed.
Some things take time. You are worthy of all the time you need. Breathe in and know, you matter. Take your time dear one, take your time.”
Thanks for reading. I love and honor you exactly as you are. Some things take time, even publishing poetry books, writing blogs, or having the strength to become an expert in yourself. I super get it and I am with you!
Victimhood - a poem
Hello victimized one
Hello to the one who feels like a perpetual victim
Hello to the one who is waiting to be a victim
Hello to the one who can no longer discern between a threat and a strong personality
Hello to the one who senses that there are additional boundaries to put up but doesn’t know what they are or how to find them
Hello to the one who so desperately wants everything to be okay so they don’t have to feel so unsafe
Hello to the one who wants someone from the outside to be our chief validator, someone who can say “you are doing great” and “you are perfect just the way you are”
Someone to say, “it’s okay if you’ve gained weight, it doesn’t make you any less of a person”
Someone to say “I totally see the good you do each day and yes, sometimes life doesn’t seem fair, and I applaud you anyway”
Someone to say “yes, things about your life suck sometimes and things are quite frustrating”
Someone who says “you are valid even if you feel like shit or feel like an angry raging beast”
Someone who says “I am always with you, I am your eternal companion and witness and you are never alone”
Someone who can gently lift up my chin and turn my gaze towards myself, the beautiful, tender, sensitive one that I am, and who says, you don’t have to look any farther than this, you are loved
Hello you
I see you
I honor you
I love you
I love you through your struggles, through your molting, through your fears, through your internal imprisonment
Rise up my dear one, you really are so committed to your life, to yourself and to getting stronger
May you always hear my voice from within, honoring and praising you
May you know that I am always with you, loving you, cheering you on and rooting for you
May you feel and know your power
Note about this poem: I have related to life like a victim for as long as I can remember. This poem was my way of owning that perspective and then finding more strength within me than I knew was there.
To all people who are victims or survivors, I honor you. I see you. I am with you and I love you. May we all rise up and find internal safety and healing. May that safety radiate out from within us to keep us and others safe wherever we walk in our lives.
Have you ever wondered what self-love even means? Or what it is to self-reflect? I know those questions very well, and my answers to them come through writing and being honest vulnerable with myself.
It is my hope that in sharing this new poem that it inspires you to connect more deeply with the awesomeness you already are. I find the more I connect with myself, the more I am able to answer the questions that arise within me about how to love, care and nurture myself. May you be inspired too 💖.
Incubation
Over the last seven years I have felt myself slowly dying. My muscles have been drained of energy Where it has felt like my life force energy wasn't replenishing and I was running on the fumes of life. My heart felt encased in rocks and no matter how much I used a chisel, I just never made any progress. My interactions with others brought up so much pain and lack of safety. There was no place within or outside of myself to seek refuge and peace. I felt so many of my bodily systems operating at the bare minimum and I could feel myself aging and dying. I didn't understand why I was going through this process when so many of my dreams had come true...how could I be suffering and stagnating when I had so many blessings in my life? I don't have the answer to this question. I just know that I can feel the balance shifting. I feel more joy and fluidity in my muscles. I am being refueled in my muscles, tissues, organs and cells and it is easier to smile. I don't feel like I need to hide to seek emotional and physical safety, I feel more ready to be seen. The shame, anger, overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion are in the background instead of filling my every breath and thought. I see how I have been stewing in the pot of my life's pain, suffering and trauma and there was no escape. I had to see and feel every ingredient being added to the pot. I had to bear witness to myself as I witnessed my death and crucifixion at the hands of life, only to be reborn and incubating, patiently waiting for me to process, heal, grow, rest and evolve, all while living life in first gear. Is it wrong that I have needed this time? No. Should it have been faster? No. Should I have gotten over myself instead of allowing this miraculous but exceptionally difficult time period in my life? No. Did I hate, resent, fear and reject myself countless times during this time? Yes. What made me stop doing that? Me giving me permission to feel and be exactly as I am, with openness, transparency and a willingness to be seen at my messiest and weakest and to feel within me that I was worthy despite how I was. I have been dying and being reborn over and over again. My destruction and incubation are more complete and I feel ready. Ready for what? To thrive. To share To uplift. To support and to give love. To me, to you, to our planet and all of her inhabitants who are slowly dying and being reborn in each moment. May our deaths and rebirths be miraculous and healing for ourselves and for the well being and evolution of all. With every breath we take, may we see the beauty in our process of healing no matter how long, exhausting or insufferable it is. May you be reminded of your worth no matter how good or shitty you feel. May you be held from within and outside of you.
PhD in Being Me 