PhD in Being Me

Tag: present moment

  • For days when my symptoms kick my ass

    Tired me

    Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass.  And today is one of those days.  To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.  

    I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both.  It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills.  It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.

    Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there.  Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.

    I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do.  I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps.  But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.

    I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell.  I am very grateful for that!  I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health.  And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).

    One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.

    May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💖💖💖

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Letting it all out through allowing

    A cliff face with waterfalls

    Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings.  Sometimes I distract myself.  But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.

    I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes.  I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here.  I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away.  I am here.”  Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat. 

    That makes a lot of sense to me.  I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s.  It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others.  It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it.  I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious.  It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.

    Ah, hindsight, eh?  The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me.  So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.

    As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:

    • I am here for you and with you.  You are welcome here.
    • I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
    • I love you and I am here.  Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
    • You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
    • I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?

    The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments.  Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion.  I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.

    I look forward to sharing an update in the future. 

    May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Being here

    Being here

    Introduction

    This poem is a follow up to a few of my recent posts (Choosing consciously, and Being while doing) about living more consciously and being aware of my life as I’m living it. This has been one of my goals for several years now and I seem to go through times where this is easy and times when I live in a fog. May this poem inspire you and call to your deepest self so you may be your own best companion and witness. May we all take a moment to love and nurture our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls. Big hugs!!

    Being here – a poem

    When my feet hit the ground, I want to be there.

    When my nose inhales the smell of spring, I want to be there.

    When my head turns to better hear and see the birds singing their joyous songs, I want to be there.

    When my hand holds my dog’s leash and I am taking her for a walk, I want to be there.

    When I look into my child’s eyes and see the beauty of their soul shining out, I want to be there.

    When my husband kisses me, I want to be there, in my lips and in my body, to feel his tenderness and his love for me.

    When my body aches, I want to be there.

    When the sun shines and it soothes my soul, I want to be there to feel it, breathe it in and be nourished by it.

    It is so easy to be outside of ourselves.  It is so easy to be lost in thoughts, swirling in a maze and whirlwind, right outside of our heads, lost in a vortex that never stops.

    I want to feel the vortex and let the majesty, beauty and pain within life pull me back to me.  I want to be an active participant in my life.  I want to be here no matter what is going on. 

    I want to be with my teeth as they chew my food.

    I want to be with my digestive system as it takes what it needs from the food and lets the rest pass through.

    I want to be with my nervous system as I navigate through life, one deep breath at a time.

    I want to be with my eyes as they witness both incredible cruelty and magnificent beauty. 

    I want to be with my ears as they hear songs of love and words of hatred.

    I want to be with my body as the desire to dance wells up from my belly and makes me get up.

    I want to be here, with myself, with each experience. 

    Always.  Now. Forever. 

    Being here. 

    Being there, wherever I am.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Being while doing

     

    An early morning sun shining through clouds and trees
    A lovely moment when I stopped, took in the beauty of the sunrise and basked in its glory

    I really liked the subject of yesterday’s post, remembering the human in all of us (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/07/13/for-the-human-in-all-of-us/). Today, I am taking the concept a bit further by explaining my own troubles with losing myself in doing things.

    When I am tired, which is often because I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities.  When I am in that place, walking the dogs is not a pleasure, it’s a chore, taking care of the chickens is mechanical and cleaning or washing up feels like I am dragging my body around.  It’s a really sad state of affairs, but it’s the honest truth sometimes.  Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how being miserable while living my life isn’t ideal, in fact it’s just really sad and not what I want. 

    I’ve decided to start being while doing.  What I mean is this: When I check on the chickens, I want to see them, be with them, and honor them and me.  It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit with them for an hour and talk to each of them. It more means that I will take the time to look at and be with them while I check on them.  Would I like to interact with them when I check on them?  Would it bring me joy to stop, bend down, notice the gorgeous reflection of the sun in their feathers, and how soft they feel on my fingertips?  I think it’s a simple change, but one that can have a beautiful and miraculous impact for me and those I am interacting with, including the chickens, dogs, my family, co-workers, the plants in my garden and my home while I take care of it.

    I have known this for a long time, I’ve written poems about it as a way of teaching myself to be present and mindful and appreciative of my life, even the less enjoyable parts, while I’m living it.  What I’m realizing lately is that I had forgotten about it among the various stressors with my health, my family’s health and the state of the world, especially after the covid battle. 

    How do you feel while reading this post?  Do you resonate with what I’m sharing?  Would you like to shine more of the light of your beautiful heart and mind on the tasks you do in your life?  If so, I invite you to join me.  If you don’t know how, I’ll share a bit about what works for me to bring my presence to my life:

    • I look in the mirror when I’m in the washroom and I make sure I make eye contact with myself.  I usually smile too, even if I’m not feeling great that day, just to give myself a little boost and some care, right from me to me.
    • I try not to rush around doing chores.  I make a list and identify the ones I really have to do, and I give myself permission to go at the pace that feels best for me.  Playing some great music seems to remind me to enjoy life while doing chores too.  Dancing or singing while cleaning reminds me of my humanity.
    • I remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing.  I take my time when I need to use the washroom, instead of just treating it like a means to an end.
    • Before I walk the dogs, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself how much I love them.  If the walk is stressful, I sing gently to myself or go through what I’m grateful for, or what I wish I could be grateful for (thanks for that tip Matt Kahn!).
    • I take short breathing breaks throughout the day to give my body more of the vitality that comes from consciously attending to my breath. 

    Over the next few posts, I’ll share some of my poetry that speaks to this topic.  With every breath you take, may you know, feel and sense your beautiful presence and may you feel the majesty and the grace of the light of your own care and attention.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved