PhD in Being Me

Tag: self-acceptance

  • So Beautiful – a poem

    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    So Beautiful

     
    This dance of pain, exhaustion, joy and love
    Is so so beautiful

    How could I trade the way I am and the ways I experience life
    When it leads to such depth of feeling?

    The love I feel in my heart for humanity this morning is so precious
    So all encompassing, pure and full of tenderness
    And yet the exhaustion I feel is so painful, difficult and heart wrenching

    All of it is so beautiful

    Only because of the depth of my experiences can there be such beauty
    Such connection with my cells that I feel their fatigue and exhaustion
    Such openness to and awareness of the love that I am, that we all are

    Smile dear one, everything is just as it needs to be
    You don’t need to change or fix yourself or others
    Breathe deeply

    And again

    And again

    There you go.  Put your hand on your heart.

    You are so loved and you are love, no matter how messy, painful, difficult or impossible life is.

    No more comparing to others, no more self-blame, judgement or hate.

    You are so so so beautiful, just as you are.

    A note from me: whether you’re struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome like me, or any other mental or physical health challenges, I see you.  May this poem uplift and validate you, and may you be blessed with so much love. 

    I chose a photo of a double rainbow from a few weeks ago for this post. It is miraculous and spectacular but it is against a cloudy sky.  That same contrast is what helps us feel the highs of life, and the lows. Without the cloudy sky, I may not have noticed that there were two rainbows outside instead of two.  May you receive be aware of and receive the gifts in all of your highs and lows.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • So worthy

    The sky is gorgeous and so are you

    Over the past few days, I have been witnessing and hearing about people being treated as less than. It really bothers me, and I get really angry and want to change our world for the better. I know that hurt people hurt people, but I can’t help but feel like we should all be able to get along.

    If you are being mistreated, cast aside, ignored, persecuted, or abused, I stand with you. I am with you, and you are so worthy.

    For every time you feel down, please read these words and be reminded that you matter and you are lovely, just as you are.

    Our world values numbers, productivity, and profits over people. You are so much more than a human resource and a human doing. You are a beautiful being, and may you know and feel your beauty, truth, and worth, no matter how you are being treated.

    May you be blessed with an abundance of support, safety, courage, and strength to leave unhealthy situations.

    May you know how worthy you are of being well treated and being in healthy environments with compassionate people.

    May we all rise up to live from our inner power so we can create true equity for all.

    I stand with you, I honor you, and I am cheering you on.

    Me sending you lots of love and saying, “I see you and you are so worthy.”

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Cultivating strength through weakness and hardship

    Image of Bradlee flexing her right arm and smiling.
    Image of me flexing my muscles in celebration of finding strength within me

    Sneak peek: loving video at the end of this post!

    Since I started getting progressively more tired with chronic fatigue syndrome, I thought I was getting weaker.  It can be easy to associate any condition or change in abilities with weakness.  I felt the same about how anxious I was getting over the years.  It turns out I was wrong.  Learning to cope with challenges and unexpected realities creates strength and resilience, not weakness.

    For a long time, I hid how tired I was, and I didn’t talk about how hard it was, even with my doctor and naturopath. I felt this absurd need to downplay my symptoms. Through many hardships in my personal and professional, I learned just how much shame I was experiencing. I think I needed to soak in that shame so I could find my self-worth and rise up despite my diagnosis. I feel like I could write a book about this subject and I really hope to in the future. There is something so magical about struggling and suffering yet finding one’s way through. It is so beautiful and inspiring, and I hope to uplift and support others by sharing deeply about my struggles to embrace, accept, know, and love myself.

    I had so many loving and supportive people who validated me, even when I didn’t think I was good enough. My family first helped me see that I am physically and emotionally strong even though I am always tired.  They supported me through the shame and unworthiness I felt about it. My beautiful friend Jana helped me with that, too, when I easily moved a heavy umbrella stand. And Georgette coached me through the fears I had about taking big steps to reclaim my power. K taught me that there are cycles in life and that it’s okay not to give 100% all the time. I remember how incredibly powerful their help and support was. I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and colleagues who loved and appreciated me for me, regardless of how tired or anxious I was (or am).  I hadn’t recognized how small, not good enough and incapable I felt just because I am chronically exhausted.

    With every supportive and encouraging word from family, friends, colleagues and that I learned to give to myself, I started reclaiming my worth and my physical and emotional strength.  Learning to honor myself and my precious body has been life changing for me, too.  Developing my self-worth has helped me make healthier and more confident decisions in my life, including recognizing and enforcing boundaries, eating ways that give me more energy and other healthy habits.  Tremendous good has come out of having chronic fatigue syndrome.  Through perceiving myself as weak, I have found true strength, what a beautiful gift.  My strength still wavers at times, but now that I have found it, I won’t lose it again.

    Even though we face challenges in life, whether they are imposed on us by society or not, whether they are temporary or permanent, physical, mental, emotional, or financial, or the result of longstanding systemic racism and oppression, we are still strong.  Challenges of any kind don’t make us weak.  If anything, they make us more resilient. 

    May we all rise up and reclaim our inner power and strength and dissolve all barriers so we may have true equity, unity, harmony and acceptance within our hearts, bodies, minds, societies, cultures and countries. May we all be blessed to have loving and supportive people to share our lives with too!

    In closing, I am sharing a video with a special message and some deep breaths from my heart to yours ❤️.

    A short video to anchor the message of finding strength, self-love and self-worth especially through challenges

    Note: I have not suffered the effects of systemic racism and oppression as a white, cisgender woman of Lebanese and Italian ancestry.  I wanted to include reference to those who deal with that on a daily basis to honor their strength and resilience. And to highlight my commitment as an ally who is learning and applying what I learn each day. May those oppressive and racist systems be completely transformed and resolved for the well-being of all humanity.

  • Emergence

    Image of a caterpillar that just emerged from a chrysalis.
    Photo by Nandhu Kumar on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in 2016 or so. It is very special to me, as it very beautifully describes how I learned to turn around within myself to find me. No preamble or explanation can really set the stage better than the poem itself. May it inspire you to further emergence of your most wonderful self. xoxoxoxo

    Emergence – a poem

    What if all the longing I felt my whole life was just so simple?

    What if I thought I longed for another, when really,

    I was just longing for myself?

    For my own attention,

    comfort,

    care,

    compassion and

    love?

    What if every time I longed to be passionate about a cause like my friends

    or to have a boyfriend or

    a romantic encounter,

    all I really wanted was for me to turn around

    and take a look at the beauty and rawness that was always there?

    What if all of the external things were only traps

    that I unknowingly fell into again and again,

    feeling the press and pressure to fall in

    from society

    from family

    from what is expected

    and normal

    and what should be done?

    What if now I’ve fallen enough times?

    What if I choose to be done climbing out of the holes and traps?

    What if I choose to turn around,

    to be bold and brave

    and to embrace the me that has always been here;

    the real me,

    the one who has been patiently waiting for me,

    the one who never longed, desired, craved or grew angry?

    The one who accepted me and all of the distractions I got caught up in,

    knowing that at one point,

    its love, benevolence and grace

    would catch my true attention.

    What would happen then?

    What did happen….

    I learned to turn around and

    I found a raw, pure and innocent part of my being that has always been with me.

    It has an unbroken connection to infinity

    to the stars

    to the universe

    to the divinity within all.

    I went for it.

    I stepped toward it and it has been entering me and filling me since.

    Where it will take me, I don’t know, but I’m not falling, I’m only

    cycling with the waves of emotion that are rising up within me

    from such a radical

    yet obvious

    choice.

    Through a willingness to have an open heart,

    to live from vulnerability instead

    of from fear and protection

    and a realisation that all of my dreams had come true

    before I had even noticed,

    I turned around.

    At that point, the gateway to my vulnerability opened

    and it was gently guided by a beautiful soul

    who whispered to me,

    who helped me turn around and thank myself.  He helped me

    to realise the beauty in my own heart and

    to feel the purity and innocence within me;

    radiating and pulsing like a star about to be born.

    I am grateful to be here.

    I am grateful to be emerging.

    May I fly like the firefly,

    landing gently on the arms of my fellow brothers and sisters,

    reminding them of the light that is within them…

    if only they would just turn around

    and look.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.