PhD in Being Me

Tag: Self-compassion

  • Holding space instead of overcoming

    Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here.  Please read with care 💖.

    This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye.  I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up. 

    Words on a white piece of paper, such as scared, I am trying so hard, etc.

    I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted. 

    The same paper, with bigger words in red written over, like I am safe, I am loved.

    I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.

    The same paper with big, black bold words, such as scared, I hate you.

    To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above.  It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above.  It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.

    I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain.  I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me.  This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world. 

    This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences.  To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).

    The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself.  My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process.  How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones?  Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life.  It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower. 

    And so, I will take a deep breath.  I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there.  I breathe again.  And again.  And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe.  And I breathe again. 

    I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above.  I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me.  And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.

    One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me.  I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.

    With love and care, Bradlee

    A black painting with splashes of colors, with a light shining through the dark to illuminate a calm, meditative Bradlee
    An art piece from nearly a year ago, about finding myself.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Building up my inner resources

    A pink heart with three pink and purple lines going through it, with supportive words on the lines.
    Resourcing art – I am worthy of taking this time to reset, rest and heal

    In the last year, I have been learning the concept of “resourcing.”  The way I understand it, resourcing is a way of building up your inner resources of reserves through doing things that nourish you and replenish you.  I started really delving into making resourcing art after I started working with an incredibly wonderful and supportive art therapist in February 2025.  She taught me that it’s important to build up your resources before delving into heavy topics, like trauma, and that it’s important to do that afterwards too. 

    I go through time periods where so much healing happens over the course of a few weeks, and she’s taught me that I packed my bags, went on the journey, climbed the mountain (the grit phase) and then afterwards I need to give myself grace, and unpack the bags, and build up my resources before the next adventure/exploration of my inner world.

    I love that concept so much.  It helps me be kinder to myself and to know that I can listen to the rhythms of my body and heart and follow them without shame or judgement.  It’s like a breath of fresh air. 

    I went through a lot of healing in November of this year, and for the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of resourcing.  For me that looks like following along with various deep breathing meditations, doing activities to stimulate the rest and digest part of my nervous system, doing lymphatic system exercises, going for a few more short walks, and doing some nourishing resourcing art. 

    Here are a few examples of my resourcing art from the last year:

    A painting of the sea with 5 cartoon like sea creatures.
    I had so much fun painting these guys from a go fish deck of cards
    A water color painting of leaves falling off a tree, with healing words written in the trunk.
    I used an art book for kids for inspiration for this one
    A painting with three otters (two of them with babies), floating in the water, with loving messages written in the sky above them.
    Otters make me so happy!
    A Christmas collage with fun Christmas papers
    I cut out Christmas paper into Christmas shapes and made a super cute scene

    Resourcing art for me is not about trying to be really good at art, it’s more about letting my younger self have some fun and be soothed through creativity, and focus.  I have also been copying some designs from a beautiful art book I borrowed from the library and there is something so soothing about following directions to make the art.  It’s takes the thought out of it and just allows me to relax and create.  Here are some examples:

    Sketches of hearts and diamonds with dangling charms hanging off them.
    My art based on Olivia A. Kneibler’s book, “The Art of Drawing Dangles.”

    What I love most about resourcing art and other resourcing activities is that they give me a chance to tune in to what I need.  It’s lovely to take a moment and get quiet to learn what I need in that moment, or if I can’t get quiet inside, then to just start copying some art out and allowing it to soothe me.  I find puzzles very soothing too, especially if my mind is racing.  It gives me a chance to organize the pieces, which apparently stimulates dopamine, which is a feel good chemical in the brain.

    As we approach the end of 2025, may we all be inspired with creative, caring and compassionate ways to meet ourselves where we are and to take some time to identify what will help us feel more balanced, happy, healthy and at peace.

    With lots of care, Bradlee 💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Deeper

    A photo taken from under the surface of the ocean, with the sun shining through.

    Deeper – A self-care poem


    Sometimes I catch myself trying to accomplish something when I’m feeling
    lost
    sad
    confused or
    overwhelmed.

    Most of the time, the temporary high I get from accomplishing something is very fleeting and
    leads me to want to accomplish something else.

    I honestly had no idea that I was running away from myself when I was doing this
    but now it seems very clear.

    Sometimes accomplishing something gives me a fresh perspective and a chance to feel
    empowered so I can better nurture and honour myself.
    But other times, I’ve been leaving myself behind.

    As I’m writing this, I’m practicing not judging myself, and even loving the one within me who is judging
    and the one who feels judged.  I am growing and evolving and I really can’t know everything all at once.

    And so, here’s to me.  The one who has tried so hard to “manage” these difficult feelings and the one who has been feeling lost, sad, confused or overwhelmed and has had to accompany me
    in pursuit of accomplishment over self-nurturing behaviors.

    No matter where you are in your self-love and self-care experience of life,
    may you be inspired for how best to love and care for your sweetie self and to be kind to yourself when you realize how you can be doing better going forward.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • So Beautiful – a poem

    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    So Beautiful

     
    This dance of pain, exhaustion, joy and love
    Is so so beautiful

    How could I trade the way I am and the ways I experience life
    When it leads to such depth of feeling?

    The love I feel in my heart for humanity this morning is so precious
    So all encompassing, pure and full of tenderness
    And yet the exhaustion I feel is so painful, difficult and heart wrenching

    All of it is so beautiful

    Only because of the depth of my experiences can there be such beauty
    Such connection with my cells that I feel their fatigue and exhaustion
    Such openness to and awareness of the love that I am, that we all are

    Smile dear one, everything is just as it needs to be
    You don’t need to change or fix yourself or others
    Breathe deeply

    And again

    And again

    There you go.  Put your hand on your heart.

    You are so loved and you are love, no matter how messy, painful, difficult or impossible life is.

    No more comparing to others, no more self-blame, judgement or hate.

    You are so so so beautiful, just as you are.

    A note from me: whether you’re struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome like me, or any other mental or physical health challenges, I see you.  May this poem uplift and validate you, and may you be blessed with so much love. 

    I chose a photo of a double rainbow from a few weeks ago for this post. It is miraculous and spectacular but it is against a cloudy sky.  That same contrast is what helps us feel the highs of life, and the lows. Without the cloudy sky, I may not have noticed that there were two rainbows outside instead of two.  May you receive be aware of and receive the gifts in all of your highs and lows.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Trying – a poem

    Trying – a poem

    I am so tired of trying.

    Trying to make life work with a limited amount of energy.

    Trying to make healthy choices so i dont get worse.

    Trying at work, at home and with friends and family, and everywhere else.

    Trying is exhausting.

    Today i surrender to who i am, to my reality and to my limitations. I just can’t keep trying, i need to be exactly as i am.

    I am sorry to those i may disappoint. I can no longer disappoint myself and ignore my needs for the sake of others and their expectations.

    Ahhhh, some relief and space.

    I can only be me, so here i am

    limited, tired and in need of self care.

    I take myself as i am and i hope you can too.

    A note: this poem is for my heart and innocence and for everyone who is trying so hard. I honour you and send you big hugs.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.

  • Give yourself time

    Picture of author smiling with hearts and rainbow stickers.
    A big smile from my healing heart to yours

    I have been so hard on myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome, for being anxious, for not being good enough, for having cellulite, for not “getting better” fast enough and for so many other reasons.

    You know what though? I am more than good enough and my journey through life is amazingly valid. Today, my heart said, “give yourself time and be proud of everything you are healing, overcoming and learning through your challenges and feelings. “

    My heart asked me to share its messages with you too. Please give yourself time and grace. You are so worthy of receiving that, even if you don’t know how to give that to yourself. You are precious and you matter 💖.

    If it hurts to read that because you don’t feel able or worthy of receiving it, you are super precious and you matter. I used to not believe those words, and I definitely didn’t know how to say kind things to myself. I learned how to do that in 2015, and it gets easier every day…please give yourself time to learn to love and honor yourself.

    By giving ourselves time, instead of keeping ourselves in a pressure cooker, we learn that we are valid. We learn that our worth is not determined by our circumstances or how quickly or slowly we heal or learn to love ourselves.

    Let’s give ourselves time to learn how to be with ourselves while we do hard things. Let’s give ourselves time to honor our pain, joy, anger and sadness. Let’s give ourselves time to get to know our bodies and what they need from us. Let’s give ourselves time to be fully us and to reclaim any banished parts of ourselves.

    This isn’t a race and there are no prizes. The rewards are huge though; being able to love yourself, being able to connect to the needs of your body, heart, mind and soul, and more.

    If you’re interested, this is the video that sparked a love revolution within me: https://youtu.be/ZjwTW-sjIto

    Big hugs and take all the time you need!

    Xoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.