Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is sometimes at odds with who I am. I am a big hearted person who loves to connect with others, share hugs, give compassion and acknowledgement and more hugs. Being chronically tired means that I can’t always do that because I don’t have enough physical, energetic or emotional energy to share. I think that is actually the hardest part of it all. The awesome gift in it all is that I have learned to be more discerning. I carefully consider where, when and how to connect with others, so it is really meaningful for me and them.
On Sunday, I got to be a backstage helper at the Kemptville Youth Musical Theatre Company’s production of Matilda. My teen is in the show and it is truly spectacular. I offered to help as a “den mother,” which meant that all I had to do was show up after the performance, help in the dressing rooms, and gently nudge the performers to tidy, put their costumes away and get out of there so everyone could get home to rest or celebrate. I was really tired on Sunday, but I could feel my heart overflowing with love for these youth and the fabulous people who volunteered so many hours to give the youth this incredible, life-building experience. I decided that I was going to go there, tired or not and be me, to the fullest extent of me. I drove to the store, bought healthy juice and granola bars, and then waited excitedly at the theatre for the show to end so I could surround the performers with love, compliments, food and drink.
Photo by Jennifer Boggett Photography
Honestly, seeing them all come backstage after greeting their adoring audience made me overflow and explode with love. I could literally feel myself lighting up that narrow corridor and filling it with love, safety and joy. The performers all had different reactions to my varying exclamations of, “I’m so proud of you, I’m Zara’s mom, I love you all and I brought you snacks and juice instead of being a strict den mother.” It made me feel so good and I could see it uplifting them too.
I am constantly amazed at what happens when I give myself permission to be me, regardless of what other adults around me are doing. I’m 43 and I felt more like my true self in that little hallway than I have in many other situations. I really think the magic ingredient was that I allowed myself to be me, in all of my ridiculous joy, innocence and happiness. It lifted me up for the remainder of the evening and really taught me something really important. I feel my best when I am my authentic self. I definitely got closer to getting a PhD in Being Me that afternoon. Yay for that!
I also want to acknowledge that I was my authentic self while I was showering everyone with lots of love and food, but I didn’t try to hide that I struggle with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety sometimes. I still had some shy moments and I still had to sit on the floor for a bit to rest. I loved it. I was authentically all of me, no shame, no hiding, no trying to be someone else, I just actually brought all of me and I loved it. I learned to love and appreciate all aspects of me even more during that experience.
May you have many opportunities to witness your glory, no matter how much you may be struggling with certain areas of your life. The ability to shine is so incredible, even for the shortest moments, especially if you are also struggling with overwhelm, despair or turmoil like I do sometimes. No matter where you are at, I honor you. I celebrate you. May you know how special you are and how worthy you are of being seen, heard and witnessed. Every step, no matter how small, counts. And it counts for a lot. There is no rush at the school of PhD in Being Me. There is no curriculum, no set lesson plan. It’s just you, exploring life as you, and learning what makes you feel good, what makes you feel angry or unsafe and adjusting to give yourself more love and support.
Big hugs and thanks for reading.
© Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.
PhD in Being Me 