PhD in Being Me

Tag: stress

  • True Self Proclamation

    Painting with red, yellow and orange flames in the background with a woman in a blue dress with her arms open on top of the flames, with a big YES above her and black hearts all around her.
    Falling into life with open arms and a big yes in my heart

    How beautiful is that image!  Gosh, I love it!  I painted that about a year ago, when I had been processing some big emotions and then I felt so free, like I could say yes to life.  I felt like I was falling deeper into life with my arms wide open and the love was exploding out of me.  It is such a beautiful and compelling visual for me.

    I definitely don’t feel like that every day, not by any means.  I sure would love to, as I remember times in my life where I felt safe to be me and how incrediby liberating it was.  I’ve been through a lot and I’m learning more about the chronic stress response and the impacts of trauma, and my struggles make a lot more sense.  It feels amazing to understand myself more, which is allowing me to relax more into being me with more compassion, kindness and patience.

    I’m part of a program (primaltrust.org) that helps people with chronic illnesses learn about the chronic stress response and how they can take an active role in creating more safety in their body and nervous system.  This past week, I am learning more about brain retraining and how with simple, micro-practices, over time, I should be able to build more safety, instead of mainly feeling, “I am not okay, this isn’t safe, etc.”

    I got really excited about this practice where I get to focus on a “true self” proclamation.  The idea is that I think of a time where I felt the most free, and imagine a world where I have always been supported, always allowed to be me, and completely free to be me, with no limits, boundaries or restrictions.  And then describe what I feel like, in my truest self, in a few words.  The idea is to reconnect with that essence and know that this part of me is what is leading me to greater healing and freedom.

    Aparently by writing it out, speaking out those words, and saying them to myself in the mirror at least once a day can really help me have a stronger foundation for brain retraining.  And it will probably help me feel more confident, even on days where I’m not feeling my best symptom wise.

    I got excited learning about this mini-practice, and the painting above came to mind right away.  I thought it would solidify this exercise for me to write about it on my blog. 

    • I am kind
    • I am compassionate
    • I am powerful
    • I am free
    • I am full of light and love
    • I am strong

    I feel happy thinking of these qualities that are within myself even when I am struggling with symptoms from my physical and mental health struggles.  It makes me feel like I am supported from deep down, and that I am not alone in my life.  If I had done this 15 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with this list by feeling into it.  I was so closed off, so hurt inside and so lonely, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine my true self, or find words to describe it. 

    And so, if you’re there today, I send you a big hug.  Primal Trust encourages people to think of a time when they felt most free or if they can’t find one to make it up for this micro-practice (apparently imagination and visualization are super helpful for brain retraining, I still have more to learn about it before I share anything more).  Wherever you are in this moment is perfectly valid, and I say the same to myself!  We all need to start somewhere, and our journey to healing is unique to each of us, but our humanity unites us and allows us to learn from each other’s experiences. 

    Thanks for reading, may we all get to know our true selves and feel supported by their qualities  🌸🌟🌸💖, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Holding space

    A photo in space, of pink and dark purple matter, with darkness all around.

    Well, here I am.  I really feel like writing, and celebrating the desire to write.

    I went for a cold, sunny sky walk with the dogs and I was filled with so much love and possibilities.  I was given an opportunity to see the extent of the possibilities of my life in spite of my physical and mental health challenges.

    I’ve been learning how to ride the waves of my emotions instead of being pulled into every feeling I have.  I was flooded with fear just when I was passing a wide field with a horse and two cows and a tall tree full of singing birds.  There was no immediate danger that I could see, in fact it was a beautiul scene, but I was terrified.  For the first time, I felt that fear coursing through my body and was able to see the beauty around me.  The horse was peeking around the wall of his shelter and was staring right at me.  I held his eyes and then looked at the cute cows, and knew that I could be okay despite the intense feelings in my body. 

    Slowly but surely, and I mean slowly (!), I am learning how to build up my capacity to feel my feelings, and to be stressed and to know that I am okay despite it all.  I’m also learning how to ride the waves of extreme fatigue that I have with chronic fatigue syndrome and to know that I’ll live through it.  Being exhausted for years has really stressed out every aspect of my beingness.  I am so grateful for my therapists, health care professionals and for the Primal Trust program, which is all about healing from the chronic stress response.

    I’m focusing on celebrating my wins, crying when I need to, knowing that I can create trust within myself as I learn to tend to my nervous system and body in new ways.  It’s taken a lot of tough living for me to get here, and I’m so loved, supported and cared for, so my hope for my future is justified. 

    I’m getting my PhD in Being Me each day that I listen to my body and mind and tune into my needs.  I used to think that if I could do everything perfectly, everything would be fine.  Now I see that it’s more about being who I am, exactly as I am, meeting myself where I’m at, learning, being patient, asking for help and loving myself. 

    I hope that you are inspired by what you need each day to get your very own Phd in Being You, because no one else is you and you are very worthy of caring for yourself and being supported.

    Big hugs!  🌸🌟💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Moving towards discomfort

    A pink heart with white spots and dangly art all around it.
    A heart I drew from the book, The Art of Drawing Dangles, by Olivia A. Kneibler

    Moving towards the uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, emotions, pains and everything else inside of me is bold.  It’s amazing.  It’s the opposite of what I had done for so so many years, and it’s the opposite of what we’re encouraged to do in North America.

    For years now, I’ve learned various different approaches to my physical and mental health, and over time, it’s become easier to want to befriend all the parts of my inner world, including the uncomfortable ones.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so I’m either tired or exhausted each day, and I feel soreness in my muscles, inflammation in my joints and brain, as well as other symptoms.  I am also easily triggered into strong stress and trauma responses, which adds to my exhaustion.  So, some of my daily life is uncomfortable.  As a high achiever and recovering (hopefully!) perfectionist, leaning in to this discomfort is not something that has come easily.  I have put so much effort into trying to be perfect, to keep up the appearance that everything is okay, that I am okay.  Ya, so leaning in to those aspects of myself and my health that I had judged as flawed has not been easy.

    Through the guidance of my therapists,  trauma healing work, art, nervous system regulating practices, and self-compassion, I have been building up safety and trust within me.  I was not a trust worthy person to myself before, because I had such a strong inner critic who would berate the “weaker” parts of me (explaining my inner critic’s role and how we’re getting to be friends is a whole other post or 10).

    Creating that trust has been the work of over a year and it’s been beautiful to witness within me.  That trust has allowed me to become a reliable confidante and friend to myself, to know that I can count on myself, to be able to recognize when it’s time to reach out for support, and to know that I am developing the skills to be kind to myself and to understand why it’s been difficult to do that before. It is such a blessing.

    And so, today, when I’m tired, my muscles and head hurt, and I can feel inflammation, worry and stress building up, I can lean towards those feelings.  I can say, “hey, I feel you, and I am with you.  You are not alone and it’s okay to feel this way.  What kind of support do you need today?”  That is a big change from me berating myself, shoving down how I feel and just trying to keep going.  It’s a new muscle that I’m building, “the kindness, compassion and leaning in muscle” so sometimes I revert back to my old ways to trying to protect myself through controlling how I am doing because those muscles are much stronger from years of use. 

    For example, yesterday, I noticed that I was trying to manage and control how I felt so that I could feel better.  I was innocently doing all kinds of meditations and deep breathing tools to try not to feel crappy, and then I realized what I was doing.  I was trying to push away and hurry away how I was feeling.  I took a few deep breaths, gave myself permission to be uncomfortable and to move forward with more kindness, ease and allowing myself to be just as I was.  It really made for a more gentle experience and nurtured that trust I am developing within myself.  I can’t always change how I feel or how my health is, but I can influence how I experience each day. 

    And so, today and every day, may we all be blessed with the safety, support, resources, and tools to be kind to ourselves, to lean in to what is causing discomfort with curiousity, compassion and kindness, and to smile at ourselves and each other as we do what we can with our circumstances.

    Big hugs from me!  💖💖  Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • I am here, and I am with myself

    A black canvas with four small ferns posing as pine trees. It is called Silent Night.
    A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest

    I am here, and I am with myself 💕.  I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.”  Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.

    I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses.  It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal.  It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.

    This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself.  I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired.  Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world.  The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.

    I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good.  I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way.  Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic.  It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself.  Gosh, that was nice.

    I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself.  It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself.  The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.

    I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing.  Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome.  I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.

    And so, I am here and I am with myself.  Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important.  And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.

    Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing.  Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee ♥️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.