PhD in Being Me

Tag: therapy

  • Birch tree

    White birch trees with their bark peeling off in places

    I am like a birch tree.  What no longer serves me is loosening on the surface of my being and is peeling off, just as the birch tree sheds its outer layers of paper like bark.

    Sometimes I feel it coming off, and it’s been a part of me for so long that I’d like to glue it back on, but then I breathe, feel it for what it is, learn what it’s there to teach me and allow it to peel off.  I made that sound somewhat easy, but it’s really a trial and error process each time, a deep tuning into where I am at each time, and listening to what my needs are in that moment. 

    This shedding of my outer bark is exciting.  For example, I didn’t used to allow myself to express anger.  I tried not to feel it too, but usually I would feel it simmering under my skin, threatening to erupt.  I was scared of anger and I was fearful of what it could lead me to say or do.  As I get closer to my emotions and learn how to hold space for them to be there, to allow them to be, the more familiar I am getting with my anger.

    I feel it bubbling up, no longer willing to stay contained, and I am no longer willing to hold it down.  I am shedding years worth of holding on, holding back and trying to deny anger a place in my life. 

    Yesterday, I was angry and upset and I was feeling it.  It had me in its grip and it was demanding to be felt, recognized and seen.  It was so much easier to feel and express it safely than it has been in the past.  I was able to recognize that these feelings, although triggered by something in the present, had very deep roots in my past. 

    I didn’t want to stifle them, but I also didn’t want to stew in the feelings either. I remember my therapist explaining that being triggered can be seen as a sign for where love, care and attention are needed, so I tried that approach of leaning in to what those feelings were telling me. 

    I looked at my recent past and saw how many examples of hurtful behavior were directed at me and I appreciated that the anger was very well founded.  I talked about my feelings with a safe person, my husband, and he listened to my experiences and validated me, which helped a lot.

    Later in the day, I felt like I was stuck in the anger, like the pressure was building and I was no longer a birch tree, but a volcano.  I stopped, pulled my attention out of the loops in my mind and asked myself what I might need in that moment.  I breathed into my heart and did my best to be present in my body, and I started feeling calmer. 

    I learned that I was quite hurt and that the best thing I could do after all those realizations was to be hurt, angry and upset but most importantly, to comfort the part of me who was treated that way in the long ago past.  Turning towards that part of me and offering her care and compassion helped me a lot and it became a lot easier not to focus just on the recent hurts, but also the good qualities of the person so that I could see the bigger picture. 

    Acknowledging my hurt helped quell the anger, and it helped me come back home to a part of me that really needed love, care and validation.  Afterwards, I felt lighter and like I had shed some of my outer layers of protection, just like the birch tree does.

    I have written so many posts about how nature has inspired me to learn more about myself, and this is another example.  I feel so grateful to live on 15 acres of land that is so abundant with trees, plants, flowers, wildlife and insects. 

    May your surroundings help inspire you to learn more about your needs or help you understand yourself better. 

    Growing and learning with you, 🩷 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026. All Rights Reserved.

  • Closer to getting my PhD in Being Me

    A white paper with stickers of birds and flowers with the words, "meeting my needs, what does that look like," as the title. There are little sections of words around the stickers about how to meet my needs, like, "blogging, reading, writing?" and "Grounding myself in my body and in the present."
    An exploration of how I can meet my needs from a day that was really tough

    For those who are new to my blog, I am working on getting a PhD in Being Me.  I have spent so much of my life trying to be what others wanted of me and instead, I’ve switched directions.  I’m enrolled in the school of me, and I want to pursue the highest education I can in being me.  I want to learn about my needs, my desires, what I need to heal, thrive, grow and evolve.  I don’t want to follow anyone else’s curriculum about living life, I want to discover mine, as I live my life.  I want to become so good at being me, that I’m going to get a PhD in Being Me.  And that’s something that no one else can do and that no one can take away from me, because I am doing all the work to get there.

    For those who have been reading my posts for a while now, thank you!  I started writing this in 2022 as a way to focus my efforts and to encourage myself to keep going.  I have been hopeful that my words will inspire others to live their truth too, even if it means having to discover it like I am. 

    I sometimes think that’s part of the whole purpose of life. Not for life to be glamorous, fancy or sophisticated, but to explore life as ourselves, including our inner experience of life, even if we think our lives may be boring.  There is nothing as badass or rollercoaster-ish than spending time with oneself, understanding one’s needs, pain, scars and fears.  Emerging from the other side, even just tiny peeks every now and again as one may be exploring deep, deep down, is so exhilarating and freeing. 

    I was reflecting on my journey in getting a PhD in Being Me with my husband recently and I said, “you know, I think I may have graduated out of the elementary school of being me.  I think I’ve made a lot of progress even though it’s been really hard, I think I graduated and am moving on up in my education!”  I loved that as a concept, and so I wanted to share it all with you too.

    As kids, we are often in such a hurry to grow up and be adults.  I have taken that approach to my healing and education in being me too.  I used to be in such a hurry to “get better, be better, be healthier, etc.” that I was accidentally leaving myself behind and missing the journey of my healing. 

    In the last several months, I have been slowing down internally.  I am less in a fight, flight or shut down state and more in a feeling and being present with myself state.  It took me a long time to get here and I couldn’t know how I was living before until my inner world felt more regulated and at a peace.  I have benefited so much from therapy and from the Primal Trust program that I now have a lot more understanding of my past and how difficult it was for me to be me. 

    I really felt like this was a big milestone and an important step closer to me getting my PhD in Being Me.  I still have so much to learn and that’s okay with me.  I do think it will be a life long journey of self-discovery, self-love and giving myself lots of kindness and compassion.  And celebrating my wins, even the small ones like remembering to use a helpful tool when I am triggered or when I am exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome. 

    I am learning how to be with myself as I live my life and that is golden.  I am learning that I am so worthy of supporting myself and being supported by others.  I am learning that I am more than my wounds, and more than the hurtful words and actions from others.  I am glorious, even in my fatigue, trauma and overwhelm.  I am me, and that is more than enough.

    This progress feels incredible, and it makes me excited for the more growth, healing and be-ing that is still to come.  I am so grateful to be on disability leave from my job and to have such incredible supportive people and tools and resources in my life. 

    Thank you for journeying with me 🩷🩷🌟🌟, may you be well, may you be and feel safe, and may you be blesssed with an abundance of healing, love and compassion.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • What if I don’t have to hold everything together any longer?

    A dam holding back lots of water

    When things get hard in my life, I feel an internal bracing.  My abdomen gets tight, my muscles get more contracted, I start to hunch my shoulders a bit and I prepare for the worst.  And to top it all off, I do my best to hold myself and everything to do with those hard circumstances together with my will and my mind.

    Phew, that is exhausting.  By paying more attention to my body, I’ve been acquainted with how much my physiology adapts to hold everything in and together.  I can also recognize that pattern in my mind too.  And what happens next is I try to stay ahead of those feelings and those life circumstances to make sure they can’t catch up to me.  Or I lock them away so I can’t feel them at all.

    These are protective behaviors that have served me well in the past and they helped me get through a lot.  But as I learn more tools and about how trauma works, I want to help ease those behaviors and implement the new ways I’m learning to cope with life.  Holding it all together is really like trying to dam up a river like in the image at the start of this post.  It takes a lot of work to maintain that, and I want to lighten my internal load as much as possible to see if it may lessen my symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome. 

    And so, with kindness, awareness and compassion, I recognize my protective patterns, breathe deeply into my belly and learn what I need to feel safer as life keeps me on this super fast train of learning through a lot of challenges in a short period of time. 

    On good days, I see those challenges as opportunities to grow and evolve and choose differently and on more tired days, I feel overwhelmed and pulled under by the demands. 

    One day at a time, one moment of deep breathing, kind words and self-soothing behaviors at a time.  I will loosen my grip, I will release my need to hold tight and I will be compassionate to one who still feels like she needs to hold on through difficulties.  

    Thanks for reading, 💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • I didn’t think boundaries could be loving

    A stone terrace, with a short, moss covered rock wall along the edge of the terrace.

    Like many sensitive people, I have been exploring the concept of boundaries.  What does that word even mean, what do boundaries look like, when do I need them, is it okay to have them, when should I strengthen them, etc?

    I had this very innocent belief that if I had boundaries, then people would feel like I didn’t love them.  I thought that having no boundaries was the way to prevent anyone from thinking I was rejecting them.  I have been learning that these beliefs are part of my trauma narrative and were created as a way of helping me.

    I also recently realized that not having boundaries was a way I could keep myself safe.  Without boundaries, I could instantly tell if someone’s mood was changing and then I could jump in to try to manage the situation to (hopefully) stay safe. 

    By not having boundaries, I was able to energetically hold onto the people around me, so I could match their moods or be who they needed me to be so I wouldn’t get hurt. 

    It’s truly incredible to learn about how much of this was totally unconscious and was using up a lot of mental and energetic energy to maintain.  These are all very innoncent strategies that I developed to get the love and care I needed and to keep myself safe. 

    I am learning to really respect the parts of me that developed these strategies.  I’m 46, so I grew up at a time when feelings weren’t really talked about, they were more suppressed.  So having the opportunity through therapy and nervous system rehabilitation work to learn more about these strategies, why they were formed and what I can do differently is such a gift. 

    I realized how much progress I had made when I told my dog that she couldn’t come lie on the bed with me, even though I knew she really wanted to, and I didn’t feel guilty.  In fact, I realized how much I loved her and myself, and that having boundaries meant I could love her and respect myself more.  It was such a liberating but simple moment. 

    I’m looking forward to experimenting more with boundaries and building up my internal strength and resilience. I am very grateful for the trauma-informed therapy I am doing.  It makes me feel much safer to learn about myself and my history.  I am learning to be so compassionate to myself for how much I have survived and I am building an extensive library of tools to help me moving forward. 

    I am starting to be able to tell the difference between when I feel safe and grounded and when I am relating to my life from my trauma narrative.  I had no idea that there were two perspectives within me, I just knew that sometimes I felt powerful and capable, and other times I felt so small, victim-like and deeply sad. 

    It seems like the more I get to know that deeply safe, confident, powerful and strong part of me, then the easier it will be to have boundaries.  And the more I understand and recognize the very hurt parts of me and take care of them, then they’ll trust me to take the lead more. 

    I just love learning this stuff, it makes me feel so great.  There are so many people like me and there are so many tools and approaches I can take, including making sure I enjoy life and have fun, despite doing deep healing work and being chronically exhausted. 

    Maybe I can have it all, despite feeling limited?  That sounds really nice.  I can have boundaries and still be the loving and caring person I am.  Maybe I can be tired and still happy.  Maybe I can grieve the loss of my energy but be excited for all the opportunities I am gaining through this exhausted time in my life?  Ya, I like all of that.

    Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best in getting to know what your needs are and how you can best meet them.

    Take care, Bradlee 🩷🩷🌈🌈🌟🌟

  • Holding space instead of overcoming

    Note to readers: this post includes descriptions of my inner pain, trauma and learning how to allow all of me to be here.  Please read with care 💖.

    This morning I had a vision in my mind’s eye.  I saw a paper with my inner narrative written on it, the one I formed while growing up. 

    Words on a white piece of paper, such as scared, I am trying so hard, etc.

    I saw me trying to write over it to create more of what I wanted. 

    The same paper, with bigger words in red written over, like I am safe, I am loved.

    I saw the original words getting bigger, darker and they were working to ensure they could be seen and read.

    The same paper with big, black bold words, such as scared, I hate you.

    To help me further process this very impactful vision, I recreated it in the images above.  It was a very powerful experience to actually feel into the words and feelings for each stage above.  It allowed me to understand myself better and to have more compassion for myself.

    I have used a lot of willpower in my life to overcome my inner narrative and pain.  I have had to work so hard to keep this up and its been exhausting trying to overwrite and escape from something that is within me.  This morning I was lying in bed and reflecting that maybe the time had come to coexist with all aspects of me and my inner world. 

    This realization is really in keeping with what I am learning in my nervous system rehabilitation program – to build capacity to be with my most difficult emotions and experiences.  To witness them and allow them instead of trying to rewrite my story each day (which is so so exhausting).

    The more I learn about myself, and the more I decompress from a life of stress, not feeling safe and being in protection mode, the more empathy I have for myself.  My physical and mental health have been on the decline, and it all makes so much sense the more I learn and process.  How could I be thriving when so much of my life force energy is going into keeping me safe and worrying for the safety of my loved ones?  Learning about trauma and the nervous system has helped me understand how I can’t just keep trying to rewrite my life.  It’s so much more than just trying harder, having a positive attitude or using willpower. 

    And so, I will take a deep breath.  I will acknowledge that I have been trying to force my way into my ideal inner experience of life, without realizing that I have been fighting with myself to get there.  I breathe again.  And again.  And I feel the pain, vulnerability and hurt that I have inadvertently been pushing away because that’s how trauma works to keep me safe.  And I breathe again. 

    I open my palms, side by side, to hold all the words on the pages above.  I breathe deeply to have the courage to let them all exist, and occupy space within me.  And I breathe to allow myself to feel it all and learn from all of those feelings and experiences and move forward together.

    One step at a time, I am working towards my PhD in Being Me.  I wish you so much ease, clarity and insight in your own journey with becoming an expert in being yourself.

    With love and care, Bradlee

    A black painting with splashes of colors, with a light shining through the dark to illuminate a calm, meditative Bradlee
    An art piece from nearly a year ago, about finding myself.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • What it feels like (for me) to have chronic fatigue syndrome

    Mixed media art, with a pencil and marker drawing of a sleeping woman, surrounded by colorful fabric in soothing colors, wooden birds, puffy pink hearts.
    Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being

    It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome.  It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion.  It is much deeper than a lack of rest.  It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels. 

    Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too.  There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖.  I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.

    For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady.  Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at. 

    Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can. 

    There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food.  Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it.  Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.  

    Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat.  If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed.  If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards.  I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance!  As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party!  Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.

    Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help.  That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this!  I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me.  I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself. 

    Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles.  The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity.  I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome.  How about that!  I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years. 

    Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day.  Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into.  Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day.  Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.

    I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue.  I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too.  Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me.  After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health.  It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.

    If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs.  It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things.  I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame.  May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need.  And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them.  That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.

    I send you lots of care and smiles.  Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,

    Bradlee

    Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Reflecting on 2025

    An early morning in December 2025, with pink, blue and purple clouds
    An early morning sunrise in December 2025

    It’s the last day of 2025 for me, and I can’t help but think, “wow, this is the last time I’m going to eat lunch in 2025,” and “this is my last day in 2025, I’d love to make sure I enjoy the little moments.” Transitioning to a new year feels like a big deal to me, especially this year.

    At the start of 2025, I participated in an art workshop for women, and I created a piece that was about giving myself permission to put myself first and to take care of my health.

    A rectangular canvas with ribbons, metallic shapes, fabric and patterned paper with the theme of self-care.
    My 2025 art piece

    As I look back on 2025, I see how much I’ve been doing that.  I’ve been learning so much and I am so proud of the changes I’ve made, the work I’ve done and the person I am becoming.  I hung this canvas right by my bed and it is really refreshing to look at it when I wake up, go to bed and when I’m resting during the day. 

    I called 2025, “The Year of Self-Care,” with the words, “no more self-sacrifice, giving myself permission to heal, restore and be,” as a guide.  I have been off work for over a year now to take care of my health and I’ve been taking steps to get to know myself more, to acknowledge, hold and heal my pain and to learn strategies for making healthier choices as I navigate life with chronic fatigue syndrome.

    I don’t have life figured out any more than any one else, but I do know that I need rest.  I’ve been learning how to give myself more quality rest and tools to help bring greater safety to my nervous system.  Both of those are major accomplishments for me, woohoo! 

    I was inspired to reflect on 2025 and to get ready for 2026 by Self-Love Rainbow. In their December 29th newsletter, they recommended finding a word of the year.  I love the content from Self-Love Rainbow because it’s always so full of compassion, care, respect, inspiration and cuteness.  These are the prompts from their newsletter (in quotation marks) that I’m going to complete for myself below too:

    “Choose Your Word of the Year: Choose a word-of-the-year to guide how you want to feel or show up this year. Not a goal. Not a personality overhaul. Just a concept you want to bring into your life.”

    – My word of the year is rest.

    “One Word for 2025: In the middle of a piece of paper, write down one word that describes this year. Then branch off from that and describe the things that made it feel that way.
    Honest answers only. Hard words are allowed.”

    – Hard work!  I know it’s supposed to be one word, but that is the main theme of this year.  I applied for disability, advocated for myself, went to many appointments, tried so hard to fix myself, and then through therapy, started to slowly decompress and relax into being as I am.  I am still slowing down from all the years where I kept going with chronic fatigue syndrome, even after a year off work.  I think that speaks volumes to how much pressure I was putting on myself and how hard I was working to keep going.  Both of those made it harder to feel into how I was actually doing physically and emotionally because I was so panicked about not applying for disability. 

    So ya, hard work really describes this year, so does slowing down, exploring permission for myself, developing more compassion for myself, learning to hug myself on the inside, learning to speak about my hurt and bring it to life through art therapy, learning to notice when I was making decisions that weren’t in my best interests and learning why I was doing that, etc.  I’ve really loved 2025, as hard as it’s been.  I feel reborn even though I’m unwell and exhausted.  It’s like my spirit is feeling renewed and seen, and that’s really refreshing.  May that continue!

    “One Word for Your Needs Right Now: If your body or heart could speak in one word, what would it ask for?”

    -Rest! 

    “One Word for Who You Are: Not who you should be. But the person you are when no one else is asking something from you.”

    -Relaxed.  Quiet.  Reflecting.  Peaceful.  Sad.  Lonely.  Healing.  Learning.  Evolving.  Shedding.   I couldn’t just think of one word, because I often feel different, depending on what is going on. 

    My word for 2026 is rest, and as a part of that, I’d like to focus on being exactly as I am, not better, not healed, not like I was when I was younger, but me, all of me, exactly as I am each day, even if it’s uncomfortable to be me.  I’d like to not fight myself in 2026, but turn towards myself with open arms and a willingness to learn, hold space for myself and love myself.  I don’t need to excel at this, but gently aim for it, give myself grace and compassion on the hard days and know that’s okay even if I resist my life or fight myself sometimes.

    May your 2026 be full of peace, grace, ease, happiness and joy.  And if you need inspiration to reflect on 2026, I totally recommend checking out Self-Love Rainbow’s site and workbooks (no pressure!).  I’ve learned a lot about myself from their helpful and sweet tools!

    All the best and big hugs!  💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Needing translation

    A meadow with wispy clouds in a blue sky

    Through art therapy, I’ve been learning how to translate my feelings into art.  Doing this makes them much less scary, and more understandable. It’s also helped me feel more compassion for myself.

    Today, I felt, saw and located a certain emotion in my body.  It was very intense and one I have suppressed for a long time.  I had become an expert in shoving that feeling down whenever it tried to emerge.  Well, I thought I was an expert at it.  The truth is that I was spending a lot of time and energy trying to contain a part of me that just needed love.  I understand why I did that and how that behavior was necessary for a long time.  Today though, I turned to face it and said, “hey, I am sorry for pushing you down.  I am here now, how can I help?”

    I started to hear about that part’s pain, what words it was screaming and I got insights into all the times I felt that way.  That part of me was needing translation.  It needed me to be brave, to take the uncomfortable feelings and sensations and hold space for them to be translated into something very tangible and relatable.

    A rose quartz on a marble table.

    My hurt was transformed from scary, alien, and evil to vulnerable, hurting, and very, very worthy.  I feel softer inside and better able to help myself going forward.  That feels like a significant step towards getting a PhD in Being Me. I am so incredibly grateful for the connection I made with myself today and I look forward to learning more and developing a deeper relationship with that part of myself 💕💕.

    No matter where you are in life, may you be blessed with serenity, peace, courage, all the support you need and more.  With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for greater unity and harmony within ourselves and among all beings.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.