PhD in Being Me

Tag: transitions

  • All of me, holding hands, walking together

    A collage of magazine cut outs with words like open doors, new beginnings, care, etc and images of holding hands, good food, acts of kindness, etc
    A collage I made for moving forward in a more peaceful integrated way

    I don’t know about you, but it’s been a battleground, with lots of carnage, hurt and despair inside me for a long time.  I have felt the parts of me that were locked away, other parts that have kept them there, others that have been fighting to be heard, recognized and taken care of and others that have been exhausted trying to create peace and understanding within me. 

    Living with a chronic illness for a long time now only amplified that, but the good news is that it’s getting better.  My inner landscape is less of a battleground, and more like my parts are working together to clean up the mess and create a healthy environment. 

    I remember when I was in grief counselling after my mom died in 2019 and my counsellor said something like, “you’ve done such great work, you’ve been pulling the weeds out of your garden, taking care of the soil and planting new seeds.  It’s going to be amazing as the garden grows, keep doing this work.” 

    I can honestly say that I agree with her.  I’ve done many forms of therapy for over 20 years and it’s really helped.  I understand myself more and it’s helped me recognize that battleground, and reach out to the parts of me that were hurting so much.  I’ve become more of a compassionate ambassador within myself and we’re signing peace treaties and memorandums of understanding for how we’d like to move forward, together.

    I always thought that I needed to contain and lock away certain parts of myself to be safe and to get the care and attention I craved, but that very innocent strategy didn’t work out.  If anything, it’s kept me fractured and living in more turmoil, but that’s okay.  The more I learn from therapy, the more I see that these were coping and survival strategies and I get the chance to do differently moving forward.

    I can sometimes sense the little Bradlee’s feeling taken care of, or screaming out if there is a big trigger, and I’m learning that I am what I need.  I am the one who can notice my inner distress and take care of myself and ask for help.  I am the expert in being me, even though I am always learning more. 

    Ahhhh, deep breath.  I am what I’ve been looking for.  I am the one who can choose to walk with my most hurt, vulnerable and angry parts instead of keeping them locked away.  I am the one who can remember all that I’ve been through and choose to treat myself with kindness and compassion, instead of continuing the cycle of shaming and belittling and telling myself just to get over it. 

    Yes.  Here I am, all parts of me, reaching out to all of me, holding hands, walking together.  Meeting at the start of a new trail through life, smiling at each other, and knowing that everything in my life has led to this point.  I am uniting, across time and space, no parts of me left behind, to walk across the former battlefield and see all the beauty that now occupies the place that was full of terror, fear, anger, shame and sadness. 

    We are glorious and we are together.  We are uniting.  We are me, all of me.  Is there still sadness, pain and shame?  Yes.  Will there always be?  Likely, but we’ll face it together and hold space for those difficult feelings as they arise.  And we’ll look inward and outward at all the beauty we’ve cultivated and worked so hard for, and that will carry us through. 

    May you be well, 💕 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Echoes from the past – Learning to make my present voice stronger

    An underwater body of water with a cave at the far end

    The echoes from my past are here, calling to me, echoing. 

    Keep yourself small.

    Don’t do anything that can get you hurt.

    Change your behavior at the smallest signs of irritation from the person you are with.

    Keep your anger down, it’s not safe to show it.

    On and on they echo, reverberating within me, reminding me of what I have survived and trying to protect me from that in the here and now.

    Those echoes have served an important role in my life.  Without them, I may not have made choices that have kept me safe.  But with them, I have also been living in the past, and making decisions from that past that may not be necessary in my life today.

    I’ve been learning more about the living legacy of trauma and how the story or narrative of a person’s trauma is alive in their nervous system and body.  The nervous system remembers traumatic events and works to protect from similar events in the present. 

    My therapist has gently guided me to this understanding over the last 2 years and it’s taken that long for me to even feel safe enough to recognize the teachings and not feel triggered by them.  She has helped me understand that my current circumstances are very different and safe and that my “trauma narrative” will always try to keep me safe, even when I’m already safe and cozy.

    And so, this morning, I heard these angry, irritable thoughts in my mind, and I thought of them as echoes.  Those thoughts were trying to protect me from my past, which really didn’t match with what I knew to be true this morning. 

    They were calling to me, echoing, and I recognized that my true self’s voice, the one I have been cultivating, nurturing and caring for, is getting stronger.  And that strength helped me stay separate from those echoes and rest in what I know to be true within me today.  It was a very simple, but powerful moment of liberation.

    Those echoes helped me realize how far I have come, and that even though they may always be echoing, maybe they’ll get quieter and the voice of my present self will continue to get louder, more confident, secure and grounded in my present.

    I love learning about trauma.  It’s been a scary and intense journey to face and acknowledge the pain I have experienced and lived through.  It’s also been liberating to learn how the nervous system works, what an incredible job it’s done for me and how I can work with it to create a greater sense of safety in my present.

    Thank you echoes, thank you to my past, thank you to all the incredible people who have and continue, to love, support, care for and uplift me.  You’ve all played a role in me having this realization this morning.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

    With lots of gratitude and appreciation for where I have been and where I am going and for you for witnessing my journey 🩷🩷🩷, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.