PhD in Being Me

Tag: wellness

  • When I write – a poem

    A sunset from my backyard

    When I write


    Sometimes, when I write, the wisest and steadiest parts of me have something to share
    And it uplifts and inspires me.

    Other times, the most traumatized and fractured parts of me
    Have something to say
    And it’s painful
    Difficult
    And hard
    But what they share is no less wise.
    In fact, those feelings help me learn how to more deeply love myself
    And hold space for myself.
    Hmm, I don’t think I had recognized it like that before.

    Today, I feel them both
    And I am writing and creating space for them both to be here.
    To share with me.
    To enlighten me.
    And to communicate their needs and wisdom.

    And somehow, even though I’m just typing, I feel better.
    I feel like I’m being with myself instead of distracting or abandoning myself through busyness.


    I’m smiling because I’ve finally realized that my traumatized parts are no less wise.
    They are incredibly precious and beautiful
    And they teach me how to care for and nurture the parts of me that have fractured off as a way to survive.
    How truly inspiring.  I had it all backwards.

    I’ve been learning a lot about trauma in the past six weeks and it is helping me make sense
    Of all that I’ve been feeling and experiencing in my life,
    Especially in the last 10 years.
    I’m so grateful for what I’m learning as it’s helping me to heal and reunite with myself more deeply.

    Thank you to all of me, you are all my teachers and I love you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved


  • Changing landscapes

    An intensely bright pink, early morning sky
    Early morning glory

    Today is the last day of 2023, and I am feeling self-reflective.

    I have long wanted to write about how the view outside of my front window changes depending on the time of day and the weather and season. The photo above is from early in the morning last week. I awoke to a warm pink glow through the curtains and I jumped up to grab my camera to capture the spectacular glory that I got the honour to witness.

    Early dawn light shining through trees on a cold winter morning.
    The same view on a different morning

    This photo is of the same view on a different day and is still lovely. The changing view reminds me that I don’t have to expect myself to always be the same. I may be able to shine my light brightly one day, and other days, it may still be bright, but shining at a different intensity, or perhaps more inward.

    I love how the view outside my window teaches me to treat myself with more compassion and gentleness. I don’t expect the view out of my window to be the same every day, so why would I expect that of myself?

    Even in the early, early morning, the view out of my window is spectacular. May that help us all to know how lovely we all are, even on days where we don’t feel our best or things aren’t going the way we hoped or needed them to.

    We learn different things through all the ways we feel and show up each day, and none are better or worse. They just are.

    Dark, early morning sky, with a few stars and clouds.
    Dark, early morning sky, with a few stars and clouds.
    Dark, early morning sky, with a few stars and clouds
    The same view very early on a different morning

    So whether you are ready to seize the last day of 2023, or if you just want to stay in bed, you are lovely.

    Whether this has been a disastrous or painful year for you, or if you’ve had some fun through the hard times, I see you.

    No matter the changing landscape of circumstances and feelings in your life, you are very worthy of being seen and validated.

    May the changing view out your window remind you that change is guaranteed in our lives.

    May we all relax into change more freely and let go of judgment and expectations around who we should be at any moment and rest in how we are, with self-respect, love and care.

    May you be well. Thanks for reading and big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Done

    Early morning quiet at my place

    Sometimes I am done.

    I have nothing more to give, no more capacity to think things through, or to deal with differing opinions constructively or compassionately.

    When I am in this place, I rest.

    When cookies are finished baking, there is no point in keeping them in the oven because they’ll just burn. With people, it’s the same, and I have learned that the hard way.

    When I start waking up super early with a racing mind, a restless body, and an overall unsettled feeling, it is my beingness telling me, “hey, the timer’s beeping, take me out of the oven.”

    Today, I am honoring myself by recognizing this state of being by getting out of bed early, drawing a bath, writing about my experience and planning not to try to force my way through my day.

    Note: as I wrote the last sentence above a few days ago, I knew right away that my plan wasn’t enough. I got into the bath and cried a bit and knew that I needed a day off of work. Even though I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I still sometimes find it hard to take a day off. Starting this post gave me the time and space within myself to actually reflect on my needs and to give myself permission to meet them.

    I really like the analogy I started above about not baking cookies longer than they need or else they’ll burn. I definitely don’t want to burn myself out again, like I did in 2016.

    May we all be blessed with the space, means and support we need to notice how we are doing, and to take the steps we need to care for and nurture ourselves when we are done. I believe it is okay to set the timer so the cookies come out of the oven before they burn, may we all be empowered and supported to do the same for ourselves.

    Big hugs đź’•

    Cookies on a baking sheet
    Cookies I happily made the other day. I watched them carefully while they were in the oven.
    May we all do the same for ourselves so we can heed our warning signals that it’s time to rest and ‘get out of the oven’ of busyness and stress

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Empathy is my super power

    A beautiful sunset sky with purple, yellow, pink and orange clouds.

    The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.

    We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,

    You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.

    I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.

    Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.

    If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?

    If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.

    I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Give yourself time

    Picture of author smiling with hearts and rainbow stickers.
    A big smile from my healing heart to yours

    I have been so hard on myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome, for being anxious, for not being good enough, for having cellulite, for not “getting better” fast enough and for so many other reasons.

    You know what though? I am more than good enough and my journey through life is amazingly valid. Today, my heart said, “give yourself time and be proud of everything you are healing, overcoming and learning through your challenges and feelings. “

    My heart asked me to share its messages with you too. Please give yourself time and grace. You are so worthy of receiving that, even if you don’t know how to give that to yourself. You are precious and you matter đź’–.

    If it hurts to read that because you don’t feel able or worthy of receiving it, you are super precious and you matter. I used to not believe those words, and I definitely didn’t know how to say kind things to myself. I learned how to do that in 2015, and it gets easier every day…please give yourself time to learn to love and honor yourself.

    By giving ourselves time, instead of keeping ourselves in a pressure cooker, we learn that we are valid. We learn that our worth is not determined by our circumstances or how quickly or slowly we heal or learn to love ourselves.

    Let’s give ourselves time to learn how to be with ourselves while we do hard things. Let’s give ourselves time to honor our pain, joy, anger and sadness. Let’s give ourselves time to get to know our bodies and what they need from us. Let’s give ourselves time to be fully us and to reclaim any banished parts of ourselves.

    This isn’t a race and there are no prizes. The rewards are huge though; being able to love yourself, being able to connect to the needs of your body, heart, mind and soul, and more.

    If you’re interested, this is the video that sparked a love revolution within me: https://youtu.be/ZjwTW-sjIto

    Big hugs and take all the time you need!

    Xoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Say yes to vulnerability

    Bradlee and her dog Archie, facing each other on the couch and touching heads.
    Me and sweetie Archie sharing a vulnerable and tender moment. He is so precious!

    Introduction

    When I wrote this short but powerful poem, I knew the concepts, but was learning to really know them, deep in my bones. A few years later, I can see how far I have come and I am proud of myself. It is not easy to unlearn the ways of the world or one’s conditioning, nor is it easy to be super vulnerable, open and honest. What I have discovered though, is that it is harder not to be.

    My life was much more difficult when I shoved my emotions down, and when I tried to hide or cover up parts of myself. I have found strength in being vulnerable and in embracing what I had labelled as my weaknesses and not nice parts. May this poem inspire and nurture you. You are lovely just as you are and may you find strength in being all of you, each and every day.

    Say yes to vulnerability – a short poem

    Say yes to vulnerability.

    Say yes to all the ways you thought you shouldn’t be.

    Say yes to being honest.

    Say yes to admitting you are struggling.

    Say yes to choosing love over fear.

    Say yes to peace.

    Say yes to having your walls knocked down.

    Say yes and thank you to the fear that wants to keep you safe.

    Say yes to having your safe-haven opened and exposed.

    Say yes to you;

    all that is waiting for you is you

    and more love than you ever imagined possible.

    You are very worthy of saying yes to.

    xoxoxoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Choosing consciously

    5 stacked rocks on the shore of the ocean with a colorful sunset in the background.
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    A note: This poem is a follow up to the post I published the other day about living with presence and bringing more of my care, attention and awareness to life. I have cycled through being more conscious and present in my life and I am coming alive to my life once again. No matter where you are on your journey of mindfulness and presence, I wish you well and may you show yourself compassion. Big hugs!

    Choosing consciously – a poem

    If I do something and

    feel like I don’t have a choice,

    I will be drained, hopeless and exhausted.

    If I do that same something

    but bring myself to the task

    and choose to do it

    because I want to,

    I am no longer choiceless.

    If I know that taking the garbage out

    and washing the pots are the last thing I want to do,

    but I do them anyway,

    I age, decay and slowly die inside.

    If I recognize that I don’t

    want to do those tasks and

    be gentle and caring with myself,

    instead of forcing my way on,

    I blossom, heal and nourish myself.

    It is a very subtle distinction,

    but I do believe it is

    the key to ending cycles of abuse,

    by using our free will even where

    it seems like we don’t have any.

    May we all find the little ways in which we can liberate

    ourselves from choicelessness of all forms,

    one conscious choice at a time.