Bradlee Zrudlo

Incubation

Have you ever wondered what self-love even means? Or what it is to self-reflect? I know those questions very well, and my answers to them come through writing and being honest vulnerable with myself.

It is my hope that in sharing this new poem that it inspires you to connect more deeply with the awesomeness you already are. I find the more I connect with myself, the more I am able to answer the questions that arise within me about how to love, care and nurture myself. May you be inspired too 💖.

Incubation

Over the last seven years
I have felt myself slowly dying.
My muscles have been drained of energy
Where it has felt like my life force energy wasn't replenishing and I was running on the fumes of life.
My heart felt encased in rocks and no matter how much I used a chisel, I just never made any progress.
My interactions with others brought up so much pain and lack of safety. There was no place within or outside of myself to seek refuge and peace.
I felt so many of my bodily systems operating at the bare minimum and I could feel myself aging and dying.
I didn't understand why I was going through this process when so many of my dreams had come true...how could I be suffering and stagnating when I had so many blessings in my life?
I don't have the answer to this question.
I just know that I can feel the balance shifting. I feel more joy and fluidity in my muscles.
I am being refueled in my muscles, tissues, organs and cells and it is easier to smile.
I don't feel like I need to hide to seek emotional and physical safety, I feel more ready to be seen.
The shame, anger, overwhelm, sadness and exhaustion are in the background instead of filling my every breath and thought.
I see how I have been stewing in the pot of my life's pain, suffering and trauma and there was no escape. I had to see and feel every ingredient being added to the pot. I had to bear witness to myself as I witnessed my death and crucifixion at the hands of life, only to be reborn and incubating, patiently waiting for me to process, heal, grow, rest and evolve, all while living life in first gear.
Is it wrong that I have needed this time?
No.
Should it have been faster?
No.
Should I have gotten over myself instead of allowing this miraculous but exceptionally difficult time period in my life?
No.
Did I hate, resent, fear and reject myself countless times during this time?
Yes.
What made me stop doing that?
Me giving me permission to feel and be exactly as I am, with openness, transparency and a willingness to be seen at my messiest and weakest and to feel within me that I was worthy despite how I was.
I have been dying and being reborn over and over again. My destruction and incubation are more complete and I feel ready.
Ready for what?
To thrive.
To share
To uplift.
To support and to give love.
To me, to you, to our planet and all of her inhabitants who are slowly dying and being reborn in each moment.
May our deaths and rebirths be miraculous and healing for ourselves and for the well being and evolution of all.
With every breath we take, may we see the beauty in our process of healing no matter how long, exhausting or insufferable it is.
May you be reminded of your worth no matter how good or shitty you feel. May you be held from within and outside of you.

Thanks for reading.

November 27, 2022

Giving myself micro-affirmations

How many times in life do we end up treating ourselves badly? Berating ourselves or beating ourselves up emotionally? How many times have we experienced micro-aggressions from others and from our own selves?

Today, I learned a new term in my workplace’s course on Harassment and Violence in the Work Place. It really made me stop and take a moment to breathe it in. It made me wonder, how different would my inner life be if I only ever gave myself micro-affirmations? Or if I made it my intention each day to lead with micro-affirmations for myself, for my family, for my colleagues and for everyone I interact with?

How many of us are in dire need of micro-affirmations? We certainly don’t need micro-aggressions! Here are some examples of kind things I have learned to say and do for myself:

“Hey honey, you are a bit tired today. With every breath you take, may you feel more rejuvenated and cared for.”
I caress my cheek gently and tell myself that I am a beauty.
I dance to a fun song in front of the mirror and give myself compliments like, “you look so great, honey,” or “nice dance moves,” or “you are so beautiful.”
I acknowledge the good I’ve done, even if no one else has. I will say something like this to myself, “way to go Bradlee, I’m really proud of you.”
If I wake up feeling stiff, tired and sore, I’ll say, “I honor you dearest body. Thank you for everything you do for me. Let’s move around and set a beautiful intention for the day and take it nice and easy.”

I find that the more I do this for myself, the more I fill myself up, and then naturally, I have more to give to others. The definition of micro-affirmations fits very well into the Phd in Being Me philosophy and I hope it inspires you to give kindness to yourself, and when you’re full enough, to give that to others.

May you be well and may the hearts of all be filled with the most loving, inclusive and validating micro-affirmations. xoxoox Bradlee

November 21, 2022

Chronic fatigue has taught me to love and accept myself

At some point in my adolescence, I stopped thinking I was worth it. I believed that I was too sensitive, too much, too sick, too frequently injured, etc. So I just stopped caring about myself. I learned to ignore and push past my needs. I felt very lonely and sad and I really didn’t know what to do about it.

Here I am, many years later, and I am still me: sensitive, chronically fatigued, anxious, yet full of love, generosity, smiles and kindness. The difference is that I know myself now and I am unlearning all of the ways I used to relate to myself. I see that I’m not too much, I’m actually pretty awesome and I know you are too. It’s my hope that by sharing more about how I’ve been relating to myself lately that it will help you to feel better about yourself, no matter what your circumstances are.

Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

I used to be embarrassed to have chronic fatigue syndrome. As I have written in past posts, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and I just needed to figure it out so I could get better. Lately, I have embraced being honest with myself and others about my medical condition and the massive limitations that come with it. It has been feeling really good to share more about it. In fact, I’m noticing that the more I share about it, the more I can feel my self-worth building. It’s like I’m breaking the cycles of abuse from my earlier years every time I share about myself and ask for extra support.

I honestly feel that living with chronic fatigue has been what I’ve needed to unshackle myself and to learn that I am worthy of being listened to, cared for, supported and nurtured, both by myself and others. I have been feeling so supported lately and I really feel that it’s because I’ve given myself permission to have chronic fatigue syndrome and to be open about it. Isn’t that a funny concept? That by giving myself permission to actually be how I am has made my life easier and more enjoyable?

I see that I am making really healthy choices each day for my body, soul and heart, and it’s okay to be exactly where I am at, even if I don’t always like it. I figure that I will keep doing my best to take care of myself and if my chronic fatigue will be healed, awesome. If it won’t in the near future or far future, then that will be awesome too. I’m really at a point where loving and caring for myself is what matters most, instead of just trying to get over myself or my circumstances.

May this post lighten your load and inspire you about where you may be able to give yourself more permission in your life, including loving and accepting yourself. May you also know how special and wonderful you are, no matter what.

With love, Bradlee

November 16, 2022

Disappointment

Disappointment – a poem

Note from me: I wrote this poem a few months ago and I’d been wondering where I saved it! Well, I found it this morning, and lo and behold, it has a similar feel to the one I published yesterday about Rage. I can feel how much easier it is for me to be with my strong feelings instead of pushing them down like I used to. I am finding so much strength in admitting my feelings, my weaknesses, my chronic fatigue and anxiety. I used to think that being human made me weak, but now I see that owning my humanity through being open and vulnerable, both with myself and others, is a friggin superpower.

Disappointment.

It is flowing through my bones.

It seems to start deep down within me

And it works its way up through my conscious awareness

Until I feel it winding its way around my organs.

It starts squeezing them, choking them off from their energy source.

The disappointment seeps into every aspect of my beingness

And it seems to want to choke me from the inside.

Disappointment.

I want to run away from it but there is nowhere I can hide

Because it is everywhere within me.

I want to drown it and be the one to choke it but I can’t seem to grasp it.

The bitterness of the disappointment echoes everywhere within my body, which

Keep it going and going and going.

Disappointment.

Why?

Why are people so disappointing?

Why is the state of our world like this, so utterly disappointing?

Why can’t we seem to overcome this madness, this unconsciousness?

Either way, I won’t be able to answer these questions,

Because it’s just me and this massive disappointment.

I guess we’d better learn to coexist and hang out together.

……

Hey disappointment….I know you’re here for a reason, an especially good reason.

You are super valid. People are pretty damn disappointing lately.

Wanna watch a movie and eat some pizza together?

Let’s keep each other company while we nurture these strong feelings.

And may they be healed with every moment that I am honest about my experience, for myself, for the disappointed, for the ones causing disappointment and for all.

November 14, 2022

RAGE

RAGE – a poem

Rage.

It burns under my skin.

It fills up my throat and threatens to erupt in screams.

Rage.

It wants me to yell, scream, swear and throw things.

Rage.

It makes me feel powerful enough that I can breathe flames and roar so the whole world can hear me.

Rage.

It is a gift.

It tells me when I need to do something for me and signals when I may be overgiving or forgetting to take care of my own needs.

Rage.

It scares me and empowers me all at once.

Rage.

It gave me the energy and power to re-order my website today instead of being such a victim to my circumstances.

Rage.

It came to me today to say, “hey you chose to make lunch for your family right when you were in the middle of something that you were really enjoying. You can chose you first, your family knows you love them to the farthest reaches of the universe.”

Rage.

My friend. My guide.

A censored part of me that I really want to get to know better.

Rage.

Hey Rage…I want to hang out with you and really get what you’re here to teach me.

Want to be a more welcome and included part of my life, instead of being relegated to the deepest, darkest parts of myself that I never visit?

Do you want to explore together so we can both life in more balanced and healthy and empowered ways?

Ya?

Awesome.

Thanks Rage, you’re the best. I don’t know why it took me so long to get you and to really feel and hear you.

Thanks for waiting for me.

A note from me about this poem: It felt so good to write this. It felt good to acknowledge my rage and to get to know it better the more words I wrote. I really look forward to honoring my feelings of rage more and to make space for me to feel them. Okay, I may also be looking forward to throwing some sticks on my abundantly large property where no one can get hurt. May we all be open to what our emotions, even the unpleasant ones, are here to teach us. Big hugs!

November 13, 2022

How a total lunar eclipse helped me

I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, but I also have a huge heart, a cute innocence about the way I interact with the world, a love of swearing, a tall, strong body and an awakening consciousness that sometimes truly humbles and astounds me.

That was a long sentence, but it was needed to show the greater totality of me. I am not just one aspect of my beingness, I am it all. And no one part is any greater or less worthy than other, and that is what the total lunar eclipse I witnessed the other day reminded me of.

My husband Robbin told us that we could witness the eclipse between 3 and 6am. I thought it would be awesome to observe but sleep is very critical to my days so I didn’t plan to wake up. At 4:30am though, I felt this call from deep within me to awaken. It was really different than how I usually wake up in the early morning hours, it really was a calling. When I woke up enough, I realized it was the eclipse calling to me.

I hurried out of bed and went out onto the back deck, and there it was. A gorgeous full moon that was so bright but with a significant portion of it covered in darkness. I felt so alive and grateful, I stayed out there getting colder and feeling the beauty and power in what I was so blessed to witness.

I climbed back into bed and opened the curtains so I could watch the transition to a full eclipse while lying down. It was an incredible and awe-inspiring experience. I got to watch our backyard and the moon transform from fully illuminated to being covered in darkness, just like in the image at the top of this post.

I ran outside again as there was only the tiniest sliver of light showing on the edge of the moon. I drank in the magic and mystery of this beautiful eclipse and it fed me deep in my soul and bones. I couldn’t seem to get enough. As I returned to bed and continued to watch, I saw the parallel between the total lunar eclipse and my life.

It seemed like the time leading up to the total eclipse went by very quickly, but when the moon was completely dark, it stayed that way for so long. While totally dark, the moon was deep orange/brown, which showed me that the light reflecting off the moon was still there, and was likely visible in other parts of the world (I am no astronomer 😁).

Seeing how long the moon was covered in darkness made me think of my chronic fatigue. I mentioned in earlier posts how I used to think I was doing something wrong by being so drained and tired. The eclipse showed me how even a miraculous process to witness has a process and stages, just like me.

The phase of total darkness was no less incredible than gazing at a bright full moon in the sky. It was equally worthy of my awe and attention, if not more worthy because it only happens rarely as opposed to the near daily experience I have of seeing the moon in the sky.

The total lunar eclipse reminded me that there is beauty, worth and value in our most dark stages, and that darkness is not synonymous with bad. In fact, I have learned so much about self-love, self-care and compassion for myself and others through this time period in my life. Thank you total lunar eclipse and chronic fatigue. Thank you for your gifts. With every breath I take, may I be open to receiving them and less in a hurry to move past this important and worthy phase of my life.

No matter where you are in life with your physical, emotional, energetic, financial, or spiritual health, may you be blessed with an abundance of love, peace, inspiration, clarity and heavily light to guide you.

With love, Bradlee 💕💕💕

November 11, 2022

Trusting myself

Sometimes I wonder how I got to be 42 and I’m only now deepening my trust in myself. Other times, I understand exactly how I am at this place. The most important point I’d like to make is that it is a huge accomplishment and blessing that I now trust myself. After a lifetime of second guessing myself and looking to others to know what’s in my best interests, I am feeling much more confident.

What does trusting myself look like in every day life? Here are some examples:

following my intuition (my gut) even when people are giving me advice that is contrary to those feelings
knowing that I belong to myself, so that no matter where I go, I will be with myself, I will fit in and I will belong
trusting in my ability to make healthy and wise choices for myself instead of only following advice that is on a blog, in a book, on Facebook or from a friend or family member

Now that I am more connected to who I am (and really, who I’ve always been), I am able to understand how little I trusted or believed in myself. I have been learning to tend the garden of my mind, heart, body and soul, and I am acquiring the skills I need to be my own eternal and precious gardener. I see now that I am the master gardener, even if I sometimes only feel like a beginner or intermediate gardener.

I have committed to making my garden more cared for, tended and weeded. I can see, feel and sense the huge difference these last few years of care have made to my eternal garden. I wrote a poem called The Eternal Gardener for a friend of mine a few years ago. I thought it was for him and about him, but I always had this funny feeling that I was missing the mark. As I’ve been writing this post, I understand that it is really for me, from the deepest part of me to the part of me who forget herself and didn’t know how to trust herself.

I am often humbled by the enormity of the wisdom and light that comes out of my fingertips as I type and from my mouth when I speak, and this is a time for me to truly trust that wisdom and light and acknowledge it in a more grateful and empowered way. This sentence really highlights the whole point of getting a PhD in Being Me and I truly hope that by reading this blog you are more empowered to become an expert if yourself too.

I share this poem with all of you, from the depth of my heart and soul to the depth of yours. With every word you read of this poem, may it help facilitate, nurture and strengthen your trust and connection to the awesomeness you are, and have always been. With so much love, Bradlee.

The Eternal Gardener

I want you to know yourself as I know you;

As the breath that we all breathe,

As the song in the wind,

As the light that warms our planet,

As the balm that heals all wounds.

I want you to know yourself as I see you;

With all of the glory, beauty and purity of

God’s holy name that whispers

in each and every heartbeat.

Your words are like magic as they weave through my being,

neatly and tidily collecting all suffering and carrying it home to Heaven.

You are a gift to all who meet you and I honour you.

I honour that you need time to realize your beauty and divinity

and that it is only my role to notice and compliment your gifts.

It will be up to you to dance your dance,

and to sing your song,

with no judgement,

thought of worthiness or

regard for embarrassment.

I will wait for you and I will be with you,

to love you and encourage you, dearest gardener, as you plant

your own seeds of love.

May you watch them grow

and may you learn how to nourish them

as you so effortlessly do for the souls you encounter.

Take your time, dear gardener and tend your own

precious garden and I will be here to rejoice with you

as you watch the blossoming unfold.

I will be here to shine my sunlight

and offer some drops of my own water,

should you ever need it.

November 10, 2022

When I “should” myself instead of going with joy

I mentioned in a previous post that I am off work for 5 weeks. I finally gave myself permission to ask for this leave because I knew I really needed it! I am incredibly grateful to have been supported in my request for this type of leave (leave with income averaging).

This time off has given me a chance to learn more about myself and the topic of this post is choosing from a place of “shoulding” myself instead of what brings me joy.

Have you ever done that? Thought to yourself, “I could read this amazing book in the bath, but I think I should work on my mental health instead.” I have done things like that countless times while I’ve been off. I think being off has helped me to realize what I have been doing.

Choosing from a place of “should” is like an obligation. There is very little joy or pleasure to be found when doing something from that place. In fact, I’ve seen how much it throws me off when I do that. This morning, I had two choices for how I was going to spend my time, and I was thinking that watching a fun movie would be great. Then, I started “shoulding” myself and I was planning how I could “better” spend my time. That’s when it hit me! Choosing what brings me joy is always the right choice.

For example, if I’m exhausted and I still have to clean up the kitchen, choosing to rest for 15 minutes and read a book that makes me happy is the right choice. After those 15 minutes, I’ll be filled with more peace, ease and contentment and washing the dishes won’t be such a chore and obligation.

I invite you to join me to experiment with this concept and to write me a comment or contact me to share what you’ve experienced. If you’re already a professional joy chooser, I would also love to hear from you. How did you come to choose joy? Did you always choose that way or did you learn it?

I send you all a big hug with many blessings of clarity and inspiration in all the choices and decisions you make, each day.

November 9, 2022

Notes to myself at 4am

A cute little clock I drew on our chalkboard

Do you ever wake up in the early morning hours and feel like you need to spend time with yourself? That happens to me every now and then. I usually don’t mind it because I feel like it’s the universe giving me a little nudge to discover what my heart, mind and body want to share. I have a couple of ways that I spend that time, including:

lying in bed to hang out with myself and breathe
reading a book
taking a bath
asking myself some questions and waiting to hear if there are any answers
writing in a journal
listening to audio from my favorite spiritual teacher Matt Kahn

This weekend, I did numbers 1, 4, 5, and 6 and it was perfect for me. I really do feel it is a quiet time for me to get to know what’s bothering me or what I want to focus more on. It’s almost like I can be more honest and vulnerable with myself during that time when most others are asleep.

The older I get, the more I realize that we are all different and different things work for each of us. It is my humblest wish that by sharing what works for me inspires you to discover what works best for you.

In honour of that wish, I’m sharing one of my “4am notes to myself.” In this note, I’m reflecting on my time off work and how I’m doing. Whether this note resonates with you or not, may it help you connect more deeply with your little voice inside that just needs to be heard, not changed, but just heard.

“Here I am, nearly 2 weeks after my last note, and I still feel tired out. I guess I expected this time off work to be more restorative and fun. Instead I am learning new and unexpected things:

I don’t always have all the energy I’d like for myself, my family and home stuff, even without working and trips to my dad’s
I am super sensitive to stress and it affects my digestion, mood, muscles, etc.
I have forgotten how to enjoy the present moment sometimes
I really like making blog posts
I love organizing even when I am tired
I have more energy for cooking when I am off
I have more time to spend outside and get refreshed even though I have little energy, I still use it wisely.
I can take a lot of baths
I have more energy for grocery shopping instead of just online shopping
I am good at family and home organizing and I get more pleasure out of it when I am off
I am great at finding books and shows that are interesting and make me feel good.

I am proud of myself. I have been challenged in several ways during this time off and I am doing a great job meeting my needs and finding my way despite being tired and feeling less heart centered and like I have less love for others and even myself. Its about damn time I acknowledge myself this positively when I feel this tired.”

No matter how great or how shitty you feel, I acknowledge you. You matter and you are special. May you be blessed with much inner quiet so you can connect more deeply to yourself and know your needs. Big hugs!

Bradlee

November 1, 2022

Inspiration from nature

Lately I have been looking at nature to be inspired. Sometimes I don’t even try to find inspiration, it’s more like the beauty in nature is calling to me, asking me to be present and witness its beauty. Whenever this happens, I feel renewed, awakened and more alive. I make a special effort to breathe deeply and appreciate the majesty of what I am witnessing. It sures helps take my mind off the busyness of life and any problems I may be having.

This morning, I was driving my dog Maggie to a dog daycare so she could run around and have fun with other dogs. It was a bit chilly and foggy. I was more thinking of dropping Maggie off and what I was going to eat once I got back home. Then, I followed a curve on my road and I saw such a gorgeous blend of green fields, fog and sun, as you can see from the image above. It completely brought me back to myself and the present moment.

I dropped Maggie off and excitedly stopped by the side of the road to take more photos.

The beauty of the sun, field and clouds were really breathtaking. I felt so blessed and privileged to have extra time this morning to take in this gorgeous display. The funny thing was I had been complaining that my car windows were fogging up, but I quickly stopped after seeing these sights.

Whenever I feel anxious or rushed inside, I often get an important reset from nature. I love putting my bare feet on the grass, especially when it is cool and dewy. That feeling brings calmness to every part of me, especially if I can walk around for 5 minutes and take in the sights, feelings and smells.

Sometimes, just looking up at the sky and turning around so I can see it from every angle is exactly what I need. I especially love watching the clouds move across the sky. They are constantly reinventing themselves; it seems like clouds change shape nearly every second. They remind me that I am not supposed to be or feel the same all the time.

I am grateful for all the lessons I am learning from nature lately. Those lessons allow me to have more realistic expectations of myself as a human and inspire me to be more gentle and compassionate with myself. They also show me how deep, complex and majestic I am in all of my humanity.

May you see, hear and feel all the ways that nature, Mother Earth and our great Creator love, nurture and inspire us all. Big hugs 💖💖💖.

Bradlee

October 26, 2022

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

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