PhD in Being Me

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

  • Helpful Tool #2: Art to process and understand emotions

    Swirls of color in a circular pattern. The colors include pink, yellow, white, brown and black.

    I’ve started a “Helpful Tools” series on my blog as a way to both remind myself of tools that I have and to share them with my readers in case they help them too.

    This second tool is about using art as a way to understand and process feelings.  I never described myself as an artist, especially not as someone who felt comfortable painting or drawing. But I realized that I don’t need to feel like an artist to use art materials to get my emotions out and learn from them. 

    I did some very intensive art therapy last year and I learned so much about myself.  Creating art allows us to access different aspects of ourselves.  And it gives us a safe way to view/talk about them because they’re contained on a page/canvas, etc.  I greatly benefited from art therapy, and I can’t recommend it enough if you’re looking to get to know yourself better.

    I created the swirling circle art that’s at the top of this post this morning.  I knew I was feeling deeply worried about a cherished person in my life who is facing more cancer treatments.  I could feel myself tensing up and perceiving the cancer and the treatments as a threat.  I felt jittery, ungrounded, and like I wanted not to feel those feelings.

    At first I thought about writing about my feelings, but then I thought about creating art and that seemed safer. Not needing to put words to my feelings but letting them guide me to the right materials to allow me to get to know them. 

    I set up the table with all kinds of paints and my biggest mixed media paper book and let the feelings tell me how they wanted to be expressed.

    A silver tablecloth filled with all kinds of paints and brushes.

    I gravitated to black paint and I made thick, swirling lines in a circle and I kept going over and over them.  It was deeply satisfying and made me feel more at peace to represent those tougher feelings that way.  Then I added some pink and yellow as the tools I have to help myself through hard times and I swirled those in among the black.  They really stood out and reminded me of how there can be hope among the hard times.

    I added more black and then some brown and it all turned into a yucky looking mess.  I didn’t like that part of the art, I wanted it to go back to looking hopeful among the dark, but I don’t think that was the point of it.  I really needed to understand how uncomfortable I am with the feelings that are harder to be present with, like the anger, fear, sadness and agitation.

    I added more yellow, pink, silver and a touch of sparkly glaze and swirled it all around again and then I felt good.  Adding that extra layer of color helped me see how much my emotions  shift, swirl and change and that they all need to take up space in my life.  Having all those feelings on one page helped me remember that they are all worthy of being represented on the canvas of my life experience. 

    Yes, it’s true, hope, optimism and faith are most pleasant to feel and to represent on the page.  But the anger, fear, rage, despair, sadness and overwhelm are worthy of just as much space and I couldn’t imagine being human without allowing them to be a part of my experience.  My tools, growing self-knowledge and giving myself to be all of me are all helping me be more healed, whole and healthy.  I may have a ways to go yet, but I am very proud of where I am now, and what art has taught me.

    The page can hold all of those feelings, and so can I.  The paint is happy for me to paint in all the colors that are available and they are all tools to help me express and get to know myself.  Living a fractured life like I used to, where I would shove down anything that scared me or felt uncomfortable, was like being in a prison.  Feeling it all and learning how to do so safely, with compassion and understanding, is a much more fulfilling life.

    A semi circle that is split into three sections, unfamiliar, safe, and unsafe, with words to describe each feeling underneath.

    Sometimes even just using pencil crayons to represent some things I have been thinking about has been helpful.  Using art materials to get to know myself better has been incredibly valuable, even if some of my art is stick figures, it’s more about what I learn about myself and from myself when I create and let out all that pressure from emotions wanting to be understood onto the page. 

    A drawing of a tree, with a little girl with tears in the middle of the trunk. Next to the tree are questions that Bradlee asked that part of her, along with answers.

    I sometimes get answers more easily when I have represented my hurt on the page.  It gives me something to look at and relate to, which can be very soothing. In the example above, I learned what a young part of me needed, and it was so much fun to create the follow up art.  I could feel the liberation and happiness from that hurting part of me as I gave her a chance to show me what she needed. 

    Six drawings of that young Bradlee being very happy and having her needs met, like sleeping with a cheetah, being in a kangaroo's pouch, flying a kite, etc.

    If you need or want support while creating art, I highly recommend finding a local or virtual art therapist offering their services.  I got so much more confident creating art on my own after working with an art therapist; she taught me how to connect with my emotions, and how to process each art piece. She guided me in a trauma-informed way to be more compassionate with myself, and she helped me understand just how much I have survived and what skills I developed from all that I have survived. 

    I learned so much even just from her website before I connected with her, so I thought I would share it in case it helps you too!

    Painted Key Art Therapy

    I love working towards getting my PhD in Being Me, and art is definitely helping me get there! I hope this helpful tool is something that inspires you to take care of yourself too.   All the best and lots of care from my heart to yours, 🩷 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Birch tree

    White birch trees with their bark peeling off in places

    I am like a birch tree.  What no longer serves me is loosening on the surface of my being and is peeling off, just as the birch tree sheds its outer layers of paper like bark.

    Sometimes I feel it coming off, and it’s been a part of me for so long that I’d like to glue it back on, but then I breathe, feel it for what it is, learn what it’s there to teach me and allow it to peel off.  I made that sound somewhat easy, but it’s really a trial and error process each time, a deep tuning into where I am at each time, and listening to what my needs are in that moment. 

    This shedding of my outer bark is exciting.  For example, I didn’t used to allow myself to express anger.  I tried not to feel it too, but usually I would feel it simmering under my skin, threatening to erupt.  I was scared of anger and I was fearful of what it could lead me to say or do.  As I get closer to my emotions and learn how to hold space for them to be there, to allow them to be, the more familiar I am getting with my anger.

    I feel it bubbling up, no longer willing to stay contained, and I am no longer willing to hold it down.  I am shedding years worth of holding on, holding back and trying to deny anger a place in my life. 

    Yesterday, I was angry and upset and I was feeling it.  It had me in its grip and it was demanding to be felt, recognized and seen.  It was so much easier to feel and express it safely than it has been in the past.  I was able to recognize that these feelings, although triggered by something in the present, had very deep roots in my past. 

    I didn’t want to stifle them, but I also didn’t want to stew in the feelings either. I remember my therapist explaining that being triggered can be seen as a sign for where love, care and attention are needed, so I tried that approach of leaning in to what those feelings were telling me. 

    I looked at my recent past and saw how many examples of hurtful behavior were directed at me and I appreciated that the anger was very well founded.  I talked about my feelings with a safe person, my husband, and he listened to my experiences and validated me, which helped a lot.

    Later in the day, I felt like I was stuck in the anger, like the pressure was building and I was no longer a birch tree, but a volcano.  I stopped, pulled my attention out of the loops in my mind and asked myself what I might need in that moment.  I breathed into my heart and did my best to be present in my body, and I started feeling calmer. 

    I learned that I was quite hurt and that the best thing I could do after all those realizations was to be hurt, angry and upset but most importantly, to comfort the part of me who was treated that way in the long ago past.  Turning towards that part of me and offering her care and compassion helped me a lot and it became a lot easier not to focus just on the recent hurts, but also the good qualities of the person so that I could see the bigger picture. 

    Acknowledging my hurt helped quell the anger, and it helped me come back home to a part of me that really needed love, care and validation.  Afterwards, I felt lighter and like I had shed some of my outer layers of protection, just like the birch tree does.

    I have written so many posts about how nature has inspired me to learn more about myself, and this is another example.  I feel so grateful to live on 15 acres of land that is so abundant with trees, plants, flowers, wildlife and insects. 

    May your surroundings help inspire you to learn more about your needs or help you understand yourself better. 

    Growing and learning with you, 🩷 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026. All Rights Reserved.

  • Closer to getting my PhD in Being Me

    A white paper with stickers of birds and flowers with the words, "meeting my needs, what does that look like," as the title. There are little sections of words around the stickers about how to meet my needs, like, "blogging, reading, writing?" and "Grounding myself in my body and in the present."
    An exploration of how I can meet my needs from a day that was really tough

    For those who are new to my blog, I am working on getting a PhD in Being Me.  I have spent so much of my life trying to be what others wanted of me and instead, I’ve switched directions.  I’m enrolled in the school of me, and I want to pursue the highest education I can in being me.  I want to learn about my needs, my desires, what I need to heal, thrive, grow and evolve.  I don’t want to follow anyone else’s curriculum about living life, I want to discover mine, as I live my life.  I want to become so good at being me, that I’m going to get a PhD in Being Me.  And that’s something that no one else can do and that no one can take away from me, because I am doing all the work to get there.

    For those who have been reading my posts for a while now, thank you!  I started writing this in 2022 as a way to focus my efforts and to encourage myself to keep going.  I have been hopeful that my words will inspire others to live their truth too, even if it means having to discover it like I am. 

    I sometimes think that’s part of the whole purpose of life. Not for life to be glamorous, fancy or sophisticated, but to explore life as ourselves, including our inner experience of life, even if we think our lives may be boring.  There is nothing as badass or rollercoaster-ish than spending time with oneself, understanding one’s needs, pain, scars and fears.  Emerging from the other side, even just tiny peeks every now and again as one may be exploring deep, deep down, is so exhilarating and freeing. 

    I was reflecting on my journey in getting a PhD in Being Me with my husband recently and I said, “you know, I think I may have graduated out of the elementary school of being me.  I think I’ve made a lot of progress even though it’s been really hard, I think I graduated and am moving on up in my education!”  I loved that as a concept, and so I wanted to share it all with you too.

    As kids, we are often in such a hurry to grow up and be adults.  I have taken that approach to my healing and education in being me too.  I used to be in such a hurry to “get better, be better, be healthier, etc.” that I was accidentally leaving myself behind and missing the journey of my healing. 

    In the last several months, I have been slowing down internally.  I am less in a fight, flight or shut down state and more in a feeling and being present with myself state.  It took me a long time to get here and I couldn’t know how I was living before until my inner world felt more regulated and at a peace.  I have benefited so much from therapy and from the Primal Trust program that I now have a lot more understanding of my past and how difficult it was for me to be me. 

    I really felt like this was a big milestone and an important step closer to me getting my PhD in Being Me.  I still have so much to learn and that’s okay with me.  I do think it will be a life long journey of self-discovery, self-love and giving myself lots of kindness and compassion.  And celebrating my wins, even the small ones like remembering to use a helpful tool when I am triggered or when I am exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome. 

    I am learning how to be with myself as I live my life and that is golden.  I am learning that I am so worthy of supporting myself and being supported by others.  I am learning that I am more than my wounds, and more than the hurtful words and actions from others.  I am glorious, even in my fatigue, trauma and overwhelm.  I am me, and that is more than enough.

    This progress feels incredible, and it makes me excited for the more growth, healing and be-ing that is still to come.  I am so grateful to be on disability leave from my job and to have such incredible supportive people and tools and resources in my life. 

    Thank you for journeying with me 🩷🩷🌟🌟, may you be well, may you be and feel safe, and may you be blesssed with an abundance of healing, love and compassion.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Helpful tool #1: Somatic dance (video below)

    Yay!  Here is my first helpful tool post and it’s about somatic dance.  You definitely don’t need to be a dancer to try somatic dance.  It’s more about a way to connect with your body through movement.  In my experience, it helps me notice where I have tension or if I’m outside of my body at all. Somatic dance is a gentle way to move that tension out and connect with my whole beingness through movement. 

    I sometimes feel stressed or overwhelmed by my fatigue or life’s circumstances and stopping to check in with my body through a gentle somatic dance is really helpful.  I can feel how it’s benefited me on my journey with chronic fatigue syndrome and trauma recovery by making it easier for me to be grounded in my body and more connected with how I am doing. I’ve noticed it’s important not to force or do bigger movements than I am ready for, but to follow my body 💖🌟.

    I remember doing it before bed once and I slept so much better aftewards.  Plus, it helped me focus on the physical and connecting with my body instead of staying trapped in my mind in patterns of unhelpful throughts. 

    I made a video of me doing a somatic dance practice.  I put on a beautiful song to go with it, and you may need to turn it up to hear it.  The song is called The Sacred by Yaima.  There is no right or wrong way to do a somatic dance practice in my experience, it’s more about tuning in to your body and following it’s lead as to what you need in terms of movement.

    May this inspire you to meet your needs. I’ve been learning that small ways of taking care of myself each day add up much more than a big effort once a week. 

    Big hugs!  💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • What if I don’t have to hold everything together any longer?

    A dam holding back lots of water

    When things get hard in my life, I feel an internal bracing.  My abdomen gets tight, my muscles get more contracted, I start to hunch my shoulders a bit and I prepare for the worst.  And to top it all off, I do my best to hold myself and everything to do with those hard circumstances together with my will and my mind.

    Phew, that is exhausting.  By paying more attention to my body, I’ve been acquainted with how much my physiology adapts to hold everything in and together.  I can also recognize that pattern in my mind too.  And what happens next is I try to stay ahead of those feelings and those life circumstances to make sure they can’t catch up to me.  Or I lock them away so I can’t feel them at all.

    These are protective behaviors that have served me well in the past and they helped me get through a lot.  But as I learn more tools and about how trauma works, I want to help ease those behaviors and implement the new ways I’m learning to cope with life.  Holding it all together is really like trying to dam up a river like in the image at the start of this post.  It takes a lot of work to maintain that, and I want to lighten my internal load as much as possible to see if it may lessen my symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome. 

    And so, with kindness, awareness and compassion, I recognize my protective patterns, breathe deeply into my belly and learn what I need to feel safer as life keeps me on this super fast train of learning through a lot of challenges in a short period of time. 

    On good days, I see those challenges as opportunities to grow and evolve and choose differently and on more tired days, I feel overwhelmed and pulled under by the demands. 

    One day at a time, one moment of deep breathing, kind words and self-soothing behaviors at a time.  I will loosen my grip, I will release my need to hold tight and I will be compassionate to one who still feels like she needs to hold on through difficulties.  

    Thanks for reading, 💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • When I don’t have enough of a connection to me

    Image of broken pottery

    Sometimes I feel like I’m missing myself and I seem to have lost me.  This week, I watched a comedy special from Michelle Buteau and I was reading her fabulous book, Survival of the Thickest.  I had a lot going on and those were both making me laugh and feel lighter.  And then I felt this hole inside of me, this missing, and lack of connection.

    It was me, calling to me, asking me to nourish and fill myself up with me.  That missing feeling was guiding me to spend time with myself in ways that could address that lack.  I’m doing that this morning and it feels much better. 

    There are so so many ways to spend one’s time, and it’s easy to miss the call from within about our own needs and what will help meet them.  Especially when living a busy life with work, family, kids/pets/volunteering, etc. 

    During this time of healing, I am learning the importance of attuning to my mind, body and soul to notice my needs.  I am learning that doing that helps regulate the nervous system and can help heal from emotional trauma through being the person that meets your needs.

    It’s amazing how some things that meet my needs one day but not the next.  I think that’s a way to help me tune in more deeply, instead of rotely going through the motions of taking care of myself.  I am learning how to connect with myself and settle more into my body so that I can better feel into my needs.  This is getting easier over time and seems like daunting and overwhelming and more like a healthy and nourishing habit.  I used to TRY so hard to do everything right and now I’m learning to focus on tuning in and listening instead of rushing, fixing, pressuring and trying.  One day at a time 💖.

    And so, for the rest of the day, I’m going to pay attention to myself, rest, and allow myself to be exactly as I am, with some support from me.  I wish you all the best with what your days bring you!  And may kindness and compassion towards yourself be part of your days too!

    With care ♥️, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Recognizing my internal fight

    Drawing of a knight's helmet in silver
    My internal armour

    I have been fighting for a long time.  I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time.  Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.

    My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary.  Am I fighting myself?  The world?  My past?  Certain people?  All people? My circumstances?  My body and mind?  Perhaps all of it? 

    This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative.  I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts.  But those fighting parts have been necessary.  They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding.  In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.

    I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay.  It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it? 

    In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations.  They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life.  As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier. 

    And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here.  Gosh, it was so nice.  I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response.  And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all.  It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at.  And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.

    Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page.  I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome. 

    End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul.  Yes, that feels nice.  May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.

    With lots of care, 💖 Bradlee

    Me, Maggie and Archie playing games

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Acknowledging progress

    Long green grass blowing in the wind

    It’s easy for me to get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of my growth and healing.  I have been off work for a year and a half to take care of my physical and mental health.  I recognize that I am not well enough to work, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t healed, grown and rested during this time.

    If I have a tough day with big time symptoms or fatigue, it’s even easier for me to forget how far I have already come.  And so today, I am acknowledging and celebrating my wins.  They are very important, even if my life can still be difficult.

    • The brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am participating in is helping me.  When I first started in November, I was so triggered reading the materials and watching the videos, so I took very baby steps.  My capacity for learning, doing the exercises and holding space for myself has hugely increased.  Yay!  I am still going slow and checking in with my body, and that feels really healthy.  It’s one way I am working on my PhD in Being Me, tuning in to myself and my needs instead of rushing to complete the next training level if I am not ready.
    • I am getting better at making choices that honour where I am with chronic fatigue syndrome instead of forcing myself onwards when I know it will negatively impact me.
    • I am better able to tell when I need to speak up about a boundary or if my boundaries have been violated.
    • I feel less choiceless in my every day life.
    • I am more compassionate with myself and others.
    • I am feeling less responsible for the world and the people I care about.
    • I really like doing somatic work, and I get a lot of ease and relief when I do it.
    • I can sometimes notice when I am dissociated, numb, or frozen and can give myself extra love.
    • I better understand different feelings in my body and what they are signaling.  I am also learning to ride through the panic I feel when the toughest ones arise.  I did that yesterday with a tool and gosh, it helped so much.
    • I am able to put the tools aside and just be as I am, like today 💕.

    My plan is to publish posts about some helpful tools I have been learning about and strategies I am figuring out for myself.  I hope these future posts empower me and any reader who may benefit.  Life can be beautiful, but challenging, and I love learning about ways to navigate the challenges in healthier ways 🌸🌸.

    Thanks for reading, may you be well and may your intuition be strong and clear to support you!

    With care, 💖 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026. All Rights Reserved.

  • A chance to do things differently

    Bradlee holding up a white paper with art using paint colors and a fern from her woods.
    Me and my new style of art with ferns, Ferns in Northern Lights, with a loving message at the bottom.

    I have been stressed lately.  More like STRESSED lately.  A few upsetting things happened all at once, and they all had elements of uncertainty.  Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome and a form of PTSD, any bit of stress really exhausts me and throws my tiny sliver of balance right off. 

    The more I’ve learned about trauma, the more I can feel, notice and see the impacts that stress has on my physical health.  I have also learned that some of the ways that I’ve been coping with stress and difficult situations have had a negative impact on my health.

    I realized yesterday that I could use this latest batch of life events as a way to practice using my new tools and awareness from therapy and the Primal Trust program I am following. 

    When I was talking to my therapist last week, she was so compassionate and helped me understand just how much I was dealing with.  That made it safer for me to get to know some of my feelings, instead of keeping them locked away and compartmentalized for another time.  I hadn’t even realized I was doing that.  What started out as an amazing protective strategy that has helped me through many challenges is now going to keep me sick and make me sicker because it’s keeping the stress alarm ringing in my body.

    My therapist asked me several questions to ask my belly, where I was experiencing the most discomfort.  That gave me a chance to tune in, listen and give myself the gift of my own presence.  It was really nurturing and it freed up the emotions to flow.  I was really scared and I got to actually feel it, as opposed to being disassociated with my feelings.  It was very healing. 

    That was a week ago.  The last few days, I noticed that I was ahead of myself.  I could literally feel my energy in front of my body instead of in it.  I wasn’t sure what to do about it, but I recognized it was another protective strategy keeping me out of my body so I didn’t have to feel everything that was so scary and upsetting.  I knew I needed to try something different, so I sketched out what I was doing.  It was helpful to see a visual of it. 

    Cartoon like sketches of Bradlee processing or avoiding her emotions.
    My sketches of what I was feeling inside as I explored how to handle the new challenges and the emotions they brought up

    After I sketched these, I had a good cry and I talked to my husband about how I needed to experiment to find healthier ways to take care of myself through this latest challenge.  That was helpful too.

    This morning, I started at page 1 of my Primal Trust 40 day “Daily Regulate” program, and it helped me so much.  Sometimes starting back at the beginning gives me a chance to see the same material from a new place and from a different perspective. 

    The first day is about the chronic stress response and how to address the nervous system instead of focusing on symptoms.  It teaches about closing the eyes, putting a hand on the heart and asking questions like, “what am I feeling inside my body right now?” and “what am I thinking about that.” 

    I started my morning with this practice and I started crying right away after reading the first question.  It was such a relief to read that question and to know that it was an important step in identifying my needs and feelings.  It gave me a chance to tune in and be present with myself. 

    I think it was such a powerful practice because I was out of my body or my feelings were out of reach and the first question brought my awareness right into my body.  It feels good to use this latest challenge as a chance to do things differently, to treat myself with more care, compassion and kindness and to ask for greater help and support as I go through this time. 

    Inhale.  Ahhhh, exhale.  Yes, I can do this.  It will still be hard, but it will be easier as I take care of myself in new ways instead of just reacting from old stress patterns. 

    There is so much potential growth and healing in challenges, like creating new art that helps me process my emotions. The fern below is called Anxiety.  It was painted with colors that I associate with nausea and being twisted up in knots inside.  And it’s spiky because I used a rough brush and I love how rough the parts are outside of the fern.  And the hollowness of the fern echoes that emptiness that can come inside from feeling overwhelmed by life.

    an orange, brown, yellow and green outline of a fern.

    And so, there it is.  A chance for me to do things differently.  To take care of myself.  To connect with my body.  To externalize my feelings through my words, art and asking for help.  To know that I am worthy of taking care of myself and that it’s okay to feel scared and physically uncomfortable.  I can be there for myself. Each day will be different, but even small efforts will make an impact.

    I wish you so well and may you connect with what helps you through life’s challenges.  Big hugs and thanks for reading, 💕💕 Bradlee

  • Echoes from the past – Learning to make my present voice stronger

    An underwater body of water with a cave at the far end

    The echoes from my past are here, calling to me, echoing. 

    Keep yourself small.

    Don’t do anything that can get you hurt.

    Change your behavior at the smallest signs of irritation from the person you are with.

    Keep your anger down, it’s not safe to show it.

    On and on they echo, reverberating within me, reminding me of what I have survived and trying to protect me from that in the here and now.

    Those echoes have served an important role in my life.  Without them, I may not have made choices that have kept me safe.  But with them, I have also been living in the past, and making decisions from that past that may not be necessary in my life today.

    I’ve been learning more about the living legacy of trauma and how the story or narrative of a person’s trauma is alive in their nervous system and body.  The nervous system remembers traumatic events and works to protect from similar events in the present. 

    My therapist has gently guided me to this understanding over the last 2 years and it’s taken that long for me to even feel safe enough to recognize the teachings and not feel triggered by them.  She has helped me understand that my current circumstances are very different and safe and that my “trauma narrative” will always try to keep me safe, even when I’m already safe and cozy.

    And so, this morning, I heard these angry, irritable thoughts in my mind, and I thought of them as echoes.  Those thoughts were trying to protect me from my past, which really didn’t match with what I knew to be true this morning. 

    They were calling to me, echoing, and I recognized that my true self’s voice, the one I have been cultivating, nurturing and caring for, is getting stronger.  And that strength helped me stay separate from those echoes and rest in what I know to be true within me today.  It was a very simple, but powerful moment of liberation.

    Those echoes helped me realize how far I have come, and that even though they may always be echoing, maybe they’ll get quieter and the voice of my present self will continue to get louder, more confident, secure and grounded in my present.

    I love learning about trauma.  It’s been a scary and intense journey to face and acknowledge the pain I have experienced and lived through.  It’s also been liberating to learn how the nervous system works, what an incredible job it’s done for me and how I can work with it to create a greater sense of safety in my present.

    Thank you echoes, thank you to my past, thank you to all the incredible people who have and continue, to love, support, care for and uplift me.  You’ve all played a role in me having this realization this morning.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

    With lots of gratitude and appreciation for where I have been and where I am going and for you for witnessing my journey 🩷🩷🩷, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.