When things get hard in my life, I feel an internal bracing. My abdomen gets tight, my muscles get more contracted, I start to hunch my shoulders a bit and I prepare for the worst. And to top it all off, I do my best to hold myself and everything to do with those hard circumstances together with my will and my mind.
Phew, that is exhausting. By paying more attention to my body, I’ve been acquainted with how much my physiology adapts to hold everything in and together. I can also recognize that pattern in my mind too. And what happens next is I try to stay ahead of those feelings and those life circumstances to make sure they can’t catch up to me. Or I lock them away so I can’t feel them at all.
These are protective behaviors that have served me well in the past and they helped me get through a lot. But as I learn more tools and about how trauma works, I want to help ease those behaviors and implement the new ways I’m learning to cope with life. Holding it all together is really like trying to dam up a river like in the image at the start of this post. It takes a lot of work to maintain that, and I want to lighten my internal load as much as possible to see if it may lessen my symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome.
And so, with kindness, awareness and compassion, I recognize my protective patterns, breathe deeply into my belly and learn what I need to feel safer as life keeps me on this super fast train of learning through a lot of challenges in a short period of time.
On good days, I see those challenges as opportunities to grow and evolve and choose differently and on more tired days, I feel overwhelmed and pulled under by the demands.
One day at a time, one moment of deep breathing, kind words and self-soothing behaviors at a time. I will loosen my grip, I will release my need to hold tight and I will be compassionate to one who still feels like she needs to hold on through difficulties.
Sometimes I feel like I’m missing myself and I seem to have lost me. This week, I watched a comedy special from Michelle Buteau and I was reading her fabulous book, Survival of the Thickest. I had a lot going on and those were both making me laugh and feel lighter. And then I felt this hole inside of me, this missing, and lack of connection.
It was me, calling to me, asking me to nourish and fill myself up with me. That missing feeling was guiding me to spend time with myself in ways that could address that lack. I’m doing that this morning and it feels much better.
There are so so many ways to spend one’s time, and it’s easy to miss the call from within about our own needs and what will help meet them. Especially when living a busy life with work, family, kids/pets/volunteering, etc.
During this time of healing, I am learning the importance of attuning to my mind, body and soul to notice my needs. I am learning that doing that helps regulate the nervous system and can help heal from emotional trauma through being the person that meets your needs.
It’s amazing how some things that meet my needs one day but not the next. I think that’s a way to help me tune in more deeply, instead of rotely going through the motions of taking care of myself. I am learning how to connect with myself and settle more into my body so that I can better feel into my needs. This is getting easier over time and seems like daunting and overwhelming and more like a healthy and nourishing habit. I used to TRY so hard to do everything right and now I’m learning to focus on tuning in and listening instead of rushing, fixing, pressuring and trying. One day at a time 💖.
And so, for the rest of the day, I’m going to pay attention to myself, rest, and allow myself to be exactly as I am, with some support from me. I wish you all the best with what your days bring you! And may kindness and compassion towards yourself be part of your days too!
I have been fighting for a long time. I’ve tried writing about my internal fight on this blog for over a year, but it hasn’t been the right time. Likely that’s because I am still learning about that fight, what it means, and how I can turn towards it with care and compassion instead of responding from fear.
My internal fighting feels very loud, confusing and scary. Am I fighting myself? The world? My past? Certain people? All people? My circumstances? My body and mind? Perhaps all of it?
This fighting has also caused a big divide within me, because I don’t want to think of myself as combative. I prefer to focus on the parts of me that I like, such as the funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding parts. But those fighting parts have been necessary. They don’t make me any less funny, caring, safe, compassionate and understanding. In fact, the internal battle has probably helped me further develop those more loving attributes because I’ve known what it’s like to have to fight to stay safe.
I’m writing this to help myself understand and so it may be a bumpy read, but that’s okay. It’s a bumpy life, isn’t it?
In the brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am learning from, they teach a lot about creating safety and trust by learning to be with your tough symptoms, feelings, sensations. They offer so many teachings that I’ve been slowly absorbing over the last several months, and over time, I’m feeling safer to take in those teachings and apply them to my life. As I apply them, it’s getting easier to know myself, especially aspects that have been too scary to know earlier.
And so this morning, I was feeling exhausted, nervous and unsure, so I sat with one of their practices about allowing what one is feeling to be here. Gosh, it was so nice. I am starting to understand how much I was responding to what I was feeling in my body with a fight or flight response. And this morning, I allowed those sensations, I allowed the fight and lack of safety to be there, and I witnessed it all. It was about a few minutes, and then I flipped to one of their teachings about the nervous system that I had been avoiding and it really helped me be so much more accepting of where I’m at. And that gives me more hope for my day to day life.
Side note: If you’re curious about the program or have any questions, feel free to write a comment or you can message me directly through my contact page. I learned about the program from the functional medicine specialist who is helping me with chronic fatigue syndrome.
End note: I am learning to respect that internal fight and maybe through allowing and witnessing my internal battle, I will cultivate more peace, safety and ease in my mind, body, heart and soul. Yes, that feels nice. May it be so, for me, for you and for the world.
It’s easy for me to get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of my growth and healing. I have been off work for a year and a half to take care of my physical and mental health. I recognize that I am not well enough to work, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t healed, grown and rested during this time.
If I have a tough day with big time symptoms or fatigue, it’s even easier for me to forget how far I have already come. And so today, I am acknowledging and celebrating my wins. They are very important, even if my life can still be difficult.
The brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am participating in is helping me. When I first started in November, I was so triggered reading the materials and watching the videos, so I took very baby steps. My capacity for learning, doing the exercises and holding space for myself has hugely increased. Yay! I am still going slow and checking in with my body, and that feels really healthy. It’s one way I am working on my PhD in Being Me, tuning in to myself and my needs instead of rushing to complete the next training level if I am not ready.
I am getting better at making choices that honour where I am with chronic fatigue syndrome instead of forcing myself onwards when I know it will negatively impact me.
I am better able to tell when I need to speak up about a boundary or if my boundaries have been violated.
I feel less choiceless in my every day life.
I am more compassionate with myself and others.
I am feeling less responsible for the world and the people I care about.
I really like doing somatic work, and I get a lot of ease and relief when I do it.
I can sometimes notice when I am dissociated, numb, or frozen and can give myself extra love.
I better understand different feelings in my body and what they are signaling. I am also learning to ride through the panic I feel when the toughest ones arise. I did that yesterday with a tool and gosh, it helped so much.
I am able to put the tools aside and just be as I am, like today 💕.
My plan is to publish posts about some helpful tools I have been learning about and strategies I am figuring out for myself. I hope these future posts empower me and any reader who may benefit. Life can be beautiful, but challenging, and I love learning about ways to navigate the challenges in healthier ways 🌸🌸.
Thanks for reading, may you be well and may your intuition be strong and clear to support you!
Me and my new style of art with ferns, Ferns in Northern Lights, with a loving message at the bottom.
I have been stressed lately. More like STRESSED lately. A few upsetting things happened all at once, and they all had elements of uncertainty. Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome and a form of PTSD, any bit of stress really exhausts me and throws my tiny sliver of balance right off.
The more I’ve learned about trauma, the more I can feel, notice and see the impacts that stress has on my physical health. I have also learned that some of the ways that I’ve been coping with stress and difficult situations have had a negative impact on my health.
I realized yesterday that I could use this latest batch of life events as a way to practice using my new tools and awareness from therapy and the Primal Trust program I am following.
When I was talking to my therapist last week, she was so compassionate and helped me understand just how much I was dealing with. That made it safer for me to get to know some of my feelings, instead of keeping them locked away and compartmentalized for another time. I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. What started out as an amazing protective strategy that has helped me through many challenges is now going to keep me sick and make me sicker because it’s keeping the stress alarm ringing in my body.
My therapist asked me several questions to ask my belly, where I was experiencing the most discomfort. That gave me a chance to tune in, listen and give myself the gift of my own presence. It was really nurturing and it freed up the emotions to flow. I was really scared and I got to actually feel it, as opposed to being disassociated with my feelings. It was very healing.
That was a week ago. The last few days, I noticed that I was ahead of myself. I could literally feel my energy in front of my body instead of in it. I wasn’t sure what to do about it, but I recognized it was another protective strategy keeping me out of my body so I didn’t have to feel everything that was so scary and upsetting. I knew I needed to try something different, so I sketched out what I was doing. It was helpful to see a visual of it.
My sketches of what I was feeling inside as I explored how to handle the new challenges and the emotions they brought up
After I sketched these, I had a good cry and I talked to my husband about how I needed to experiment to find healthier ways to take care of myself through this latest challenge. That was helpful too.
This morning, I started at page 1 of my Primal Trust 40 day “Daily Regulate” program, and it helped me so much. Sometimes starting back at the beginning gives me a chance to see the same material from a new place and from a different perspective.
The first day is about the chronic stress response and how to address the nervous system instead of focusing on symptoms. It teaches about closing the eyes, putting a hand on the heart and asking questions like, “what am I feeling inside my body right now?” and “what am I thinking about that.”
I started my morning with this practice and I started crying right away after reading the first question. It was such a relief to read that question and to know that it was an important step in identifying my needs and feelings. It gave me a chance to tune in and be present with myself.
I think it was such a powerful practice because I was out of my body or my feelings were out of reach and the first question brought my awareness right into my body. It feels good to use this latest challenge as a chance to do things differently, to treat myself with more care, compassion and kindness and to ask for greater help and support as I go through this time.
Inhale. Ahhhh, exhale. Yes, I can do this. It will still be hard, but it will be easier as I take care of myself in new ways instead of just reacting from old stress patterns.
There is so much potential growth and healing in challenges, like creating new art that helps me process my emotions. The fern below is called Anxiety. It was painted with colors that I associate with nausea and being twisted up in knots inside. And it’s spiky because I used a rough brush and I love how rough the parts are outside of the fern. And the hollowness of the fern echoes that emptiness that can come inside from feeling overwhelmed by life.
And so, there it is. A chance for me to do things differently. To take care of myself. To connect with my body. To externalize my feelings through my words, art and asking for help. To know that I am worthy of taking care of myself and that it’s okay to feel scared and physically uncomfortable. I can be there for myself. Each day will be different, but even small efforts will make an impact.
I wish you so well and may you connect with what helps you through life’s challenges. Big hugs and thanks for reading, 💕💕 Bradlee
The echoes from my past are here, calling to me, echoing.
Keep yourself small.
Don’t do anything that can get you hurt.
Change your behavior at the smallest signs of irritation from the person you are with.
Keep your anger down, it’s not safe to show it.
On and on they echo, reverberating within me, reminding me of what I have survived and trying to protect me from that in the here and now.
Those echoes have served an important role in my life. Without them, I may not have made choices that have kept me safe. But with them, I have also been living in the past, and making decisions from that past that may not be necessary in my life today.
I’ve been learning more about the living legacy of trauma and how the story or narrative of a person’s trauma is alive in their nervous system and body. The nervous system remembers traumatic events and works to protect from similar events in the present.
My therapist has gently guided me to this understanding over the last 2 years and it’s taken that long for me to even feel safe enough to recognize the teachings and not feel triggered by them. She has helped me understand that my current circumstances are very different and safe and that my “trauma narrative” will always try to keep me safe, even when I’m already safe and cozy.
And so, this morning, I heard these angry, irritable thoughts in my mind, and I thought of them as echoes. Those thoughts were trying to protect me from my past, which really didn’t match with what I knew to be true this morning.
They were calling to me, echoing, and I recognized that my true self’s voice, the one I have been cultivating, nurturing and caring for, is getting stronger. And that strength helped me stay separate from those echoes and rest in what I know to be true within me today. It was a very simple, but powerful moment of liberation.
Those echoes helped me realize how far I have come, and that even though they may always be echoing, maybe they’ll get quieter and the voice of my present self will continue to get louder, more confident, secure and grounded in my present.
I love learning about trauma. It’s been a scary and intense journey to face and acknowledge the pain I have experienced and lived through. It’s also been liberating to learn how the nervous system works, what an incredible job it’s done for me and how I can work with it to create a greater sense of safety in my present.
Thank you echoes, thank you to my past, thank you to all the incredible people who have and continue, to love, support, care for and uplift me. You’ve all played a role in me having this realization this morning. Thank you for being a part of my life.
With lots of gratitude and appreciation for where I have been and where I am going and for you for witnessing my journey 🩷🩷🩷, Bradlee
Last week, I was trying a new somatic practice, and it was helping me. I became aware of myself thinking, “maybe this is it! Maybe this is the thing that will finally help me get better.”
I have thought that thousands of times over the past several years of figuring out how to live with chronic fatigue syndrome. To be honest with myself, I haven’t just been trying to live with it, I’ve been trying to get over it, over and over again.
That awareness the other day helped me realize that deep inside me I am still caught in the trap of trying to get over myself and hurry up and get better. I’ve made lots of progress in being kinder and more compassionate to myself instead of always taking a deficit and fix myself mindset, but I guess there is always room for improvement!
I started reflecting on all I’ve done for myself over the years and I settled into a new knowing: I am what I’ve been looking for. It’s my dedication to myself, my willingness to grow and explore my inner world, to ask for support and to follow my intuition about what is working and what isn’t and what speed to journey at.
Maybe it doesn’t matter that I’ve been unwell for so many years. Maybe it just matters that through it all, I’ve been here, willing to keep experimenting to show myself that I am worth it. That I am allowed to be exactly as I am and that I can also keep learning to help myself in new ways that will cumulatively surround and fill me with care, love, compassion and healing, regardless of any outcomes. It’s me. It’s not the tools. It’s me. I am the one. I am it.
Hmmmm, that feels good. I value and treasure myself and my life and I am living in ways that show myself that. So if the latest practice helps me feel a bit better and less exhausted, awesome. If it doesn’t, or I need something else, I will adjust and pay attention to my needs. Yes, that is nice. I like it. No blame, no shame, no hurrying, just settling in to being me, exactly as I am, in this moment and tuning in to see what I need.
I wish you all the best in attuning to your needs too! May you see and acknowledge the good you do for yourself and may you be inspired about what unmet needs you may have and how you can go about meeting them (that’s my plan for today 🥰🥰).
You are so very special and important to me. I am sitting outside as the sun is setting and I thought of writing you all a letter to let you know how awesome you are and have always been.
You were such a sweet, innocent and excited child. Sensitive, easily overwhelmed and confused by the ways of the world, but no less precious for it. From the beginning you were someone who could sense the undercurrent in life and you wanted to help others who felt it like you did. I’m still like that now, I hope you’d be proud of the person I’ve become.
You really loved being at school – you were good at it and you had such wonderful friends. All the schools you went to helped you feel like you belonged and you mattered, thank goodness for that. I remember how in elementary school you would get everyone to sing songs on school trips. I remember your first kiss with Mark and how the whole school was talking about it. You were tough when you needed to be, but very soft, caring and sensitive, and confused about how to make things work with friends, with young romances and how to get things right so you could feel safe.
I remember the heartbreaks of a boy, Chris, choosing Sonia over you. I remember going to a different high school than my good friends and thinking that meant they didn’t like me any more. Oh, how young life was confusing, but the truth is, it still is. I’m 46 and the difference is that I have more experience now, but life is still complex.
Gosh, so much time has passed. You’ve had so many incredible opportunities and friendships and some very deeply traumatic times. Please know that thanks to you, and everything you’ve learned, overcome and experienced, I am the person I am today. I treaure and appreciate you. Thank you for everything you went through. Thanks for all the hard lessons you learned. Thank you for leading with your values even before you knew that you were.
I think of all the me’s who came before and I am grateful for you all. The one who was exhausted but signed up for a work opportunity anyway, which ended up leading to a 24 year career (with parental and disability breaks) in another city. The me who was so fed up with dating loser guys and signed up for match.com, and found the love of her life. Well done, you! The one who trusted her intuition time and time again while parenting, despite all the pressures and advice from many different corners. The one who knew it was time to apply for disability leave even though she was scared, my goodness, thank you.
To the me who recognized how shy she was and decided to perform at an open mic night at a comedy club just to prove to herself that she didn’t need to be shy. And you killed it! That was awesome! To the me who wrote a poetry book about grief to raise money and awareness in her community and loved it so much that she co-created a second book with members of her grief community as a caring resource. All while being exhausted, but it filled me up in ways that were so so welcomed and needed. Nicely done!!
You have so much to be proud of. I know things have been hard and it’s easy to focus on that, and this letter is my way of celebrating all the greatness and goodness that has been there through the hard times. You are so incredible at uplifting others and helping them feel seen, I hope this letter makes you feel the same. You are very worthy of being seen. Your words matter. Your life matters. You matter, and I love and appreciate you.
Thank you for getting me to here, I’m so excited for what’s next. I raise a glass to all the me’s who came before and ask you all to join me in moving forward together, more healed, whole and integrated than ever before. Here’s to us!
Well, sometimes my symptoms kick my ass. And today is one of those days. To be honest, the last few weeks have felt like this, I am just getting better at letting myself feel shitty instead of trying to overcome and fix everything I experience all the time.
I am practicing being with myself when my body is so uncomfortable or when I have racing, catastrophic thoughts, or both. It’s not super pleasant, but I am enjoying the new strength and resilience I feel at developing these skills. It sure beats trying to run away from or distract myself 🩷.
Lately, I’ve been writing about allowing myself to feel what’s going on within me and allowing the symptoms to be there. Today, I am getting great practice because I am so uncomfortable. All I can really do is acknowledge that this is my reality and be kind to myself.
I am using some of my tools to see which ones will help me hold space for this discomfort, but not hold it so tight that it can’t move through me and shift if that is what it is going to do. I am writing this as a way to acknowledge my experience and to soothe myself because writing almost always helps. But my eyes and head hurt and my cognitive capacity is pretty low, so I am going to keep it short ❤️.
I have been unwell for quite a while now, but through trauma informed therapy and nervous system rehabilitation, I am learning how to be here, in my body, with myself, while I am unwell. I am very grateful for that! I am feeling worse lately, and I almost wonder if that is in part because through allowing myself to be exactly as I am, then I am less in denial about the state of my health. And that allows me to better sense just how much chronic fatigue syndrome and healing from trauma are a huge part of my life (for now 🤞🏼💝).
One moment of witnessing my symptoms, one moment of speaking kindly to myself as I weep, and one moment of making a gentle, caring choice at a time.
May you be blessed with lots of care, a wonderful support system and lots of whatever you need today.
Like many sensitive people, I have been exploring the concept of boundaries. What does that word even mean, what do boundaries look like, when do I need them, is it okay to have them, when should I strengthen them, etc?
I had this very innocent belief that if I had boundaries, then people would feel like I didn’t love them. I thought that having no boundaries was the way to prevent anyone from thinking I was rejecting them. I have been learning that these beliefs are part of my trauma narrative and were created as a way of helping me.
I also recently realized that not having boundaries was a way I could keep myself safe. Without boundaries, I could instantly tell if someone’s mood was changing and then I could jump in to try to manage the situation to (hopefully) stay safe.
By not having boundaries, I was able to energetically hold onto the people around me, so I could match their moods or be who they needed me to be so I wouldn’t get hurt.
It’s truly incredible to learn about how much of this was totally unconscious and was using up a lot of mental and energetic energy to maintain. These are all very innoncent strategies that I developed to get the love and care I needed and to keep myself safe.
I am learning to really respect the parts of me that developed these strategies. I’m 46, so I grew up at a time when feelings weren’t really talked about, they were more suppressed. So having the opportunity through therapy and nervous system rehabilitation work to learn more about these strategies, why they were formed and what I can do differently is such a gift.
I realized how much progress I had made when I told my dog that she couldn’t come lie on the bed with me, even though I knew she really wanted to, and I didn’t feel guilty. In fact, I realized how much I loved her and myself, and that having boundaries meant I could love her and respect myself more. It was such a liberating but simple moment.
I’m looking forward to experimenting more with boundaries and building up my internal strength and resilience. I am very grateful for the trauma-informed therapy I am doing. It makes me feel much safer to learn about myself and my history. I am learning to be so compassionate to myself for how much I have survived and I am building an extensive library of tools to help me moving forward.
I am starting to be able to tell the difference between when I feel safe and grounded and when I am relating to my life from my trauma narrative. I had no idea that there were two perspectives within me, I just knew that sometimes I felt powerful and capable, and other times I felt so small, victim-like and deeply sad.
It seems like the more I get to know that deeply safe, confident, powerful and strong part of me, then the easier it will be to have boundaries. And the more I understand and recognize the very hurt parts of me and take care of them, then they’ll trust me to take the lead more.
I just love learning this stuff, it makes me feel so great. There are so many people like me and there are so many tools and approaches I can take, including making sure I enjoy life and have fun, despite doing deep healing work and being chronically exhausted.
Maybe I can have it all, despite feeling limited? That sounds really nice. I can have boundaries and still be the loving and caring person I am. Maybe I can be tired and still happy. Maybe I can grieve the loss of my energy but be excited for all the opportunities I am gaining through this exhausted time in my life? Ya, I like all of that.
Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best in getting to know what your needs are and how you can best meet them.
PhD in Being Me 