PhD in Being Me

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

  • Writing for expression

    Wordson green paper, all torn up
    My feelings expressed on paper, and then torn up

    I have recently learned about the value of writing out the tough feelings I have, without limits or censoring, and then ripping it up.

    I was a bit skeptical at first, but there is something so freeing about writing with no limits until my hand hurts, and feeling all the emotion pouring out onto the page.  The tearing and ripping part is extremely satisfying too.

    I’m seeing a nurse practitioner who is a functional medicine specialist and she said that it would help me in my healing journey to get my feelings out.  She even said that I may stay sick if I don’t get the feelings out.  I am a very self-aware person and I honestly thought I was processing my feelings and getting them out through the art therapy I am doing.  And there is no doubt I am, but it’s a different type of getting it out to write things I would never be able to say out loud, the deep, dark, really nasty things, and then tearing it up so I can let it go.

    The first time I did it, I had no idea what I was going to write about, but then I just kept writing letter after letter to people who had made me feel uncomfortable, hurt or violated and all these powerful words, feelings and thoughts came right out onto the page.  I’ve probably done it 10 times or more now and it’s always very liberating.  Especially when I swear and say things out loud while I’m ripping the papers.  I even brought some of the paper scraps outside a few weeks ago and burned them, all while loudly cursing, and letting other words flow out and then I stomped on the ashes.  Oh ya, that was pretty damn satisfying.

    It’s funny, because I’m a nice, gentle and caring person, but I also have a fierce, and powerful part of me, and that part came out and took the lead in helping me express these emotions that I banished to deep parts of myself because they weren’t “nice” enough to acknowledge.  Well, now I am acknowledging them and it feels good.  I feel like my power was lost when I hid those deep and dark feelings away, or maybe it just took a lot of power to keep those feelings locked deep inside me.  I’m not sure, but writing, ripping and tearing is helping me access them.  My art therapist was very supportive of the approach too, so the technique has the backing of a few health care professionals, which is neat!

    Are there some scary or stagnant feelings that you want to let out and move on from?  If so, you can consider if you’d like to give this a try.  If you have lots of unprocessed trauma or trauma that you are processing, you may want to do it close to an appointment with a therapist or other mental health care professional or with a close condfidante so you can have any support if triggering feelings or situations come up in your writing. 

    I find doing some gentle things after writing helps, like putting my hand on my heart and taking a few deep breaths and telling myself that I am here, or doing some havening, which is deeply comforting.  Havening is when you use your hands to gently rub your legs or your arms.  It may be other things too, but that’s what I’ve learned so far from how far I’ve gotten in my Primal Trust program.  Here’s a video of me doing the havening that I learned.  My cutie husband stands up at the end, so you may get a glimpse of him :).

    I am really enjoying learning new ways of taking care of myself.  May you be inspired about the best ways for taking care of yourself and may we all remember that we are very worthy of healing, even if it’s been a long, long journey, like mine.

    All my best wishes to you, 💕💕💕 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • I am here, and I am with myself

    A black canvas with four small ferns posing as pine trees. It is called Silent Night.
    A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest

    I am here, and I am with myself 💕.  I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.”  Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.

    I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses.  It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal.  It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.

    This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself.  I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired.  Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world.  The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.

    I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good.  I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way.  Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic.  It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself.  Gosh, that was nice.

    I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself.  It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself.  The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.

    I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing.  Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome.  I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.

    And so, I am here and I am with myself.  Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important.  And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.

    Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing.  Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee ♥️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • This is my life

    Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

    I’m 45 years old, nearly 46, and lately I’ve been thinking about how this is my life, right now, as I’m living it. Have you ever thought that? Like you notice that life is happening while you are living it and maybe you’ve not been enjoying it or fully present in it? Or perhaps not really noticing that it’s going by?

    I looked at my hands, and they are older hands.

    I looked at my legs, and they are older legs.

    I looked at my face and hair, and realized that I was looking at 45 year old me, not the version of me I see in my mind.

    It was really refreshing. I felt like I was being given another chance to step more into my life and appreciate it, myself, my body and all that I have lived to date. I started thinking of what I’ve done with my life and whether I am happy about it. I had just been having a hard week, so I was having these thoughts, and then I realized that yes, I am happy about my life. There have been some really hard parts, some awful parts, but overall, there’s been a lot of good and I’m very happy. What a gift.

    I’ve had wonderful experiences, like running a half marathon in Ottawa, biking a full marathon in New York City, going on a hot air balloon ride with my hubby, being a lead in a play, performing at an open mic stand up comedy club (I rocked that!), moving to a new city for work, meeting my husband on the internet in 2005 (and he was the only guy I met because he was perfect for me!), becoming a parent, learning about breathing, connecting to my heart and how important writing is for my heart, and learning to make decisions that are in my highest and best good, like applying for disability leave from my work and recognizing that my health was no longer at a point where I could keep working.

    It was really refreshing to think about the good, and that’s just the experiences. That says nothing about the absolutely incredible people I have met who have made a tremendous difference in my life! Yay for them! Thank you all so, so, so much!! They’ve taught me to love myself, be kind to myself and to celebrate the goodness that I am, and there’s a fair bit of that! I have the best laugh. Tee hee, it’s funny to write that about myself, but my laugh is really great. I laugh from my toes and I laugh loudly and it’s such a privilege. I can feel deep sorrow and I can laugh like something is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, a few times a day. I guess that’s me, I feel the highest highs and the lowest of the lows. Feeling is something I am pretty good at.

    Well, writing a post about my life after just thinking about it is very refreshing. Thanks for reading and I hope this post inspires you to take a look at the good you are, the good you’ve experienced and to give yourself a hug from me for all the tough that’s been in between.

    xoxoxoxo, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • Space for everyone

    The Grand Canyon in Arizona


    Sometimes I catch myself blaming someone for how I feel.  Then I realize, maybe there is enough space for me and that other person to both be having a hard time.  I think, “maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing,” or “you versus me.” 


    I’ve been experimenting with the idea that life is so much more than binary.  So so much more.  And so, if everything is on a spectrum, doesn’t that mean that there is enough space for everyone to be themselves, exactly as they are?


    What if me and someone else are both suffering at the same time?  I am not taking up space that prevents them from suffering. Our mutual suffering doesn’t negate or cancel the other’s experience.  So, isn’t there enough space for both experiences to exist and be valid?


    My identity and my experience of life doesn’t take away from the experiences of those who are physically and mentally healthy.  My experience and the rawness that I share about it may make some people uncomfortable but it can never take away the space and right for them to live their life or for me to process mine.


    This realization makes me feel a lot more compassion for the experiences others go through.  There isn’t a scarcity of space for the human experience, so why do we act like there is?  Why do we think only some ways of being a human are acceptable, when we can’t cancel or negate the space that exists for everyone.  But we can and have created and promulgated so many systems of oppression that remove space and validity from certain groups of people and make it so their very existence is criminal, threatening, and wrong.  But it’s not. 

    The main things wrong are how our society is structured on scarcity of space, blaminh, fearing and shaming others, and the incessant need to prevent discomfort instead of leaning in to connect with others who have different experiences to learn, share and grow together. Today, I am feeling like we can lift the veil and see more clearly how much space there is for the whole gorgeous expanse and variety of the human existence.


    In our increasingly hate filled and divisive world, please know that there is space for all of us.  In our hearts, we know this.  The world is big enough for us all, if only we can put down our need to shame, blame, separate and “other” people.  It is time to stand in our hearts, breathe deeply and create a world where there is space for everyone, but no space for bigotry, racism, discrimination, ableism, transphobia, homophobia, hatred, misinformation and war. 


    In my heart, there is space for everyone. Will you join me in holding space for this beautiful world, where there is space for everyone and no one feels threatened by people living their lives authentically?  I hope so 🥰.  Thanks for reading my thoughts.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Boundaries

    Double rainbow over a wide grassy plain

    I am exploring boundaries in therapy and in my daily life.  I have heard about boundaries a lot over the years, but hadn’t done a big exploration of what they are and aren’t in my life, why I need them and how they can help.

    So far, I have identified what it feels like when:

    • My boundaries are violated
    • I don’t know what my boundaries are
    • I constantly have to defend and protect myself
    • I don’t feel safe or worthy to have boundaries.

    These are important steps for me.  Recognizing these feelings and realities is hard, but an important step in healing and understanding what I need going forward.

    As a part of this, I am taking a look at my life’s bigger picture so I can make healthier decisions for myself.  My art therapist had suggested that I look at the emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual big picture of my life so I can evaluate where I need to put more care.

    She gave me a resource document with different questions to prompt my exploration of my bigger picture.  I had a great time!  I hadn’t realized how narrow of a focus I had until I started.  And…it made me feel more empowered, which was tremendous.  It helped me realize how unwell and sick I am and how it is important for me to keep learning new ways to take care of my physical and mental health.

    I started the work at home, and then continued it by the Rideau River, which was inspiring and calming 💖.

    View of the Rideau River, with geese!
    My view sitting by the Rideau River
    Bradlee's red boots and legs with rocks at her feet
    My feet, legs and notebook!
    Bradlee's notebook with rocks all around
    The rocks and my self care, big picture chart

    Wherever you are in your health journey and life, I send you lots of care and smiles. I am taking it one day at a time and its okay if you need to too.  Big hugs and lots of care,

    Bradlee 💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Oversharing?

    12 hands in a circle

    Last week, I was buying some dog treats from a local boutique pet shop.  They are so friendly and they have a great variety of unique treats.  I was having a nice exchange with the two people at the cash and one of them said they often overshare and that they’d stop talking now.  I laughed and said, “I am great at oversharing, do you want to hear about my therapy appointment from this morning?”

    After that, we had a super open, vulnerable, and honest exchange about life’s ups and downs, which local therapists we recommend, how helpful therapy is, about our kids, university, and more.  I left the shop with my heart full and happy, and I wondered, was that oversharing or just sharing?

    I reflected to my son that what we shared and talked about could only be considered oversharing in a society such as ours, where we keep all our feelings and hardships locked inside.  What kind of a world would it be if we openly talked about our feelings and were taught how to validate our feelings and those of others?  Imagine if we were taught how to hold space for each other instead of falling back on judging, competing, and criticizing one another?  Gosh, that would be so so blissful.

    What do you think more open sharing would change in your world, life or home?  What do you wish people talked about more?

    With every breath we take today, may we anchor blessings of greater emotional and physical safety for all those who want to open up and share more and all the best supports possible as they uncover any hurts 💖💖💖.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee ✨️✨️❤️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Needing translation

    A meadow with wispy clouds in a blue sky

    Through art therapy, I’ve been learning how to translate my feelings into art.  Doing this makes them much less scary, and more understandable. It’s also helped me feel more compassion for myself.

    Today, I felt, saw and located a certain emotion in my body.  It was very intense and one I have suppressed for a long time.  I had become an expert in shoving that feeling down whenever it tried to emerge.  Well, I thought I was an expert at it.  The truth is that I was spending a lot of time and energy trying to contain a part of me that just needed love.  I understand why I did that and how that behavior was necessary for a long time.  Today though, I turned to face it and said, “hey, I am sorry for pushing you down.  I am here now, how can I help?”

    I started to hear about that part’s pain, what words it was screaming and I got insights into all the times I felt that way.  That part of me was needing translation.  It needed me to be brave, to take the uncomfortable feelings and sensations and hold space for them to be translated into something very tangible and relatable.

    A rose quartz on a marble table.

    My hurt was transformed from scary, alien, and evil to vulnerable, hurting, and very, very worthy.  I feel softer inside and better able to help myself going forward.  That feels like a significant step towards getting a PhD in Being Me. I am so incredibly grateful for the connection I made with myself today and I look forward to learning more and developing a deeper relationship with that part of myself 💕💕.

    No matter where you are in life, may you be blessed with serenity, peace, courage, all the support you need and more.  With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for greater unity and harmony within ourselves and among all beings.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💕💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • Feeling connected

    Hand reaching out to the night sky

    Last week, I felt deeply connected to humanity, the planet, and life itself.  I could sense the web of connectedness that links us all together, no matter where we live, and it was profound.

    I hadn’t felt that connection in quite some time.  I remember feeling like that quite often for a few years, and it gave my life a magical and spiritual dimension that I have deeply missed.  The more tired I got, the harder it was to access that connection within and around me.  So much so, that I have felt like I have been missing an important element of my life.

    But then, I was at the grocery store, and I could feel my inner light expanding.  I had a beautiful and fun exchange with an employee, and I felt my sense of connectedness grow.  I smiled at the people shopping and working, and I rejoiced at the return of this important part of me and my life.  The part that knows I am okay no matter what and that I have lots to share despite having chronic fatigue syndrome.

    What amazes me is I reconnected to that part of me through the work I am doing to heal trauma and my nervous system.  I have been learning to call forward the qualities of my deepest self, so I can be a balm to my own wounds, and so I can build trust within myself.  The best part is that I can feel it working.  I still get pulled in extreme directions when triggered, but I am learning to be my own safe space.  I imagine that it will get easier to calm, nurture and support myself as I go on. 

    My greatest desire is to be able to put a hand on my heart, reassure myself, bring myself back to the present, and feel integrated, healed and whole.  I am excited to be able to smile more as I remember the depth of who I am and all I am capable of, and to honour the growth that has come from all that I have survived.

    Thank you to all the people in my life who love me and encourage me, and who remind me how special I am and I am worthy of compassion from myself and others.  I am so grateful for all of you, Robbin, Vale, David 1, Georgette, Carla, Susan, Sonia, Tanya, Jenny, Sandie, David 2, Katie, Patricia, Megan, Nadine, Daniel 1, Tamara, Darren, Katy, Eugene, Raye, Lisa, Romeo, Venezia, Teegan, Greysen, Jen, Markes, Daniel 2, Natalie, Jana, Gavin, Nancy, Mike, Andrea, Danielle, Kat, Taranum. 

    There are others, but each of those special folks has taught me how worthy I am to take time to heal, to be my excellent self, and that it’s okay to be exactly as I am.

    May everyone reading be blessed with caring and wonderful people in their lives too.  And may we all feel how truly connected we all are.  Big hugs,

    Bradlee 💕💕🌸🌸

    A huge circle made of people holding hands

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Each breath

    An aerial view of a forest

    Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life.  The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.

    I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad.  It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help.  Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone.  I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me.  It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.

    I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again.  I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.

    May you be well.  Thanks for reading 💕.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Being here

    A double rainbow
    A double rainbow

    If you’ve visited my blog before, you may know that I’m working on getting a PhD in Being Me.  What does getting a PhD in Being Me mean these days while I am off work to take care of my physical and mental health?  It means:

    • Being here and with myself as I live my life.
    • Being compassionate with myself as I learn more about me and my needs.
    • Developing the inner awareness and courage to notice and act on my needs.
    • Getting to know the parts of me that are protecting my most hurt parts, and feeling how very tired they are through Internal Family Systems work.
    • Noticing when I am putting pressure on myself to get better faster and choosing to have compassion for myself whenever possible.
    • Being here for the days when I just want to be better, and knowing that I’m not always aiming for an A+ in getting a PhD in Being Me, especially on the hard days.  Just being with myself is enough, and that equally counts towards my PhD in Being Me.  And so does all the work I am doing to support myself, which ranges from working with healthcare professionals for my physical and mental health, to making time for fun, lying on the couch, reading, crying and spending time outside.
    • Receiving kindness from others, like my friend who told me about new research that shows that chronic fatigue syndrome can be genetic.  She encouraged me to switch from being hard on myself for having chronic fatigue to managing my symptoms as best as I can.  That kindness went straight to my heart ❤️.
    • Developing my intuition and inner compass by trusting what I feel inside.  For example, trying out what a healthcare professional recommends but noticing if it helps or makes me feel worse, and following what is best for me.
    • Giving myself permission to be exactly as I am.  I’ve been off work for nearly a year, and I’m still coming down from working these last several years with debilitating fatigue. As I relax more into myself and learn more about my realities, I am realizing how exhausted I truly am 💕. 

    May this post inspire you to give yourself a hug and know that I send you one too. 

    Take care, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.