PhD in Being Me

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

  • Reconnecting to myself

    A bright orange sky with deep blue.
    Photo by NO NAME on Pexels.com

    Sometimes I hear my voice inside me and it’s loud and clear.

    Other times it’s like there is so much noise from the world that is making it harder to know who I am and where I stand.

    Today, I went for a walk in the woods and I heard the noise. I felt the worries. I wondered where I had gone to in the crowded space of my being. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, just continuing onwards despite missing myself and wondering where I was.

    I really didn’t like that feeling, so I choked on a sob and spoke nicely to myself.

    I said, hey, whether all of this belongs to me or the world, I love you.

    No matter how overwhelmed, shattered, broken, scattered, afraid and numb you feel, I am with you.

    I thought of how complicated life can be, as well as how miraculous it can be, and I decided to care for myself no matter how I was experiencing it today. I remember saying something like, hey, whether you see the world from a glass half full or half empty perspective, I love you and you super matter to me.

    It seemed to simplify everything and made me feel calmer. Writing about my experiences and how full life is lately is really helpful too. It’s easy to think that everyone else has it good, and by writing, I aim to make others feel less alone in feeling things deeply. It also helps me feel less alone too, because I get to shine the light of my attention on my fears, worries and overwhelm.

    Where do you need some light today?

    If it’s for your heart, I send you much comfort, love, security, protection, caring and love.

    If it’s for your mind, I send you deep breaths, smiles, quiet, peace and serenity.

    If it’s for your body, I send you much balance, healing, nourishment and rejuvenation.

    If it’s for your spirit, I send you big high fives, because no matter what, you are rocking it, even if all you want to do is curl up in a ball. You’re here. You matter. I am cheering you on and smiling with you and for you.

    With every breath you take for the rest of today and the rest of your days, may you know how special you are and that you matter, even if you are having a hard time or life just isn’t going your way.

    I honour you and wish you super well.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved.

    ps. I used AI to generate the two images below. I’ve never done that before! The first one is my favorite and really represents what I wanted to convey to you, from my heart to yours.

    A solid red heart with angel wings.
    A pink sparkling heart with rainbow lights inside it.

  • Helping others and myself

    The bottom arc of a rainbow
    A beautiful rainbow in front of my place this past spring

    I really like helping others.  I also really like helping myself and giving myself care, compassion, and gentleness. 

    Life has felt hard lately, probably because it has been really tough.  When times are like that, I feel myself rising to the challenge and other times, I feel myself getting smaller and in need of time to myself to rest, recharge and to feel sorry for myself.

    I am sharing this because I am still learning how best to take care of myself when times are tough.  Sometimes I nail self-care and I can balance everything and other times, I want to curl up in bed and let someone else be responsible for everything, including taking care of me.  Does that make me any less worthy?  Or does that just mean that I am tired, and in need of love, care and some support?

    I think it’s the latter, but sometimes I still blame myself or catch myself wishing I could be stronger.  I have a big heart, and I am astounded at the depth of compassion and care I give others and myself.  So when times are tough, I do my best to remember how special and caring I am, and to speak gently to the parts of me who are crying out to be held, spoken gently to and, most importantly, witnessed.  There is tremendous power in being a witness to myself in my darkest moments, and in being a witness for others.

    Being a witness means being there, not running away from difficult, painful or heart breaking feelings.  It means holding yourself (or someone else) literally or figuratively, with your arms or your presence, and giving assurance with that presence.  I am with you.  I see you.  I hear you.  I feel your pain and I am with you anyway.  I am getting teary just writing that, because isn’t that what we all want to hear, on one level or another.

    And so, in honour of all of my hurting parts and any of yours, I share the following:

    I am with you.

    I see you.

    I love you.

    You are not alone through this.

    Breathe deep my love, this will pass.

    I honour and celebrate you.

    You are so special.

    No matter what, I am with you.

    If you don’t say these things to yourself or to someone else, it doesn’t mean that you are abandoning anyone.  These are more meant as helpful things you can try whispering to your own heart to see how they feel.  Or you can try telling someone that you honour them as they navigate a difficult time in their life instead of just trying to get them to move on. 

    At our core as humans, I feel that this is what we need. To be witnessed.  Not to be fixed or changed, just witnessed.

    Helping myself and others makes me feel good.  It makes me feel like I am showing up for my life in deep, empowering and respectful ways. It makes me feel like I can heal my pain and trauma in gentle, loving ways, and like I can help others do the same.  Writing this reminds me to notice how I am doing and to be kind to myself, especially lately.

    I hope this post soothes any wounds you are feeling deeply.  I also hope it makes your heart feel lighter.  One step at a time.  One kind word to yourself at a time.  We’ve got this.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💖

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Overwhelmed by my own needs

    A deep cavern with red walls.
    Sometimes meeting my needs feels like an impossible task, like trying to climb out of this cavern

    Yesterday I heard the title of this post inside of me, and I silently agreed with it.  It is a sad thing to be overwhelmed by my own needs, so I did the following things:

    • I gave myself some comfort and sat with that overwhelm.
    • I realized I was grateful to even be aware of my needs, even though they change and sometimes feel unmeetable.
    • I told myself that I am doing a great job doing my best and that maybe it was okay not to meet all of my needs. 

    It felt great to take some pressure off of myself and to settle more deeply into being me, just as I am. 

    I wondered if others struggle with this and how they may cope with their needs.  Sometimes I think I just need to pause more and take some deep, caring breaths for myself to shift my perspective and other times I feel like I need a week of being by myself so I can rest, reset and recharge.  The first suggestion is much easier to implement as is taking the step to actually write out my needs.  My guess is that they will seem much more reasonable if I write them out.  Also, not comparing my needs to the needs of others would help, especially since they aren’t me.

    I am very blessed to be a gentle, delicate, and sensitive person who also has strong and powerful parts.  I am grateful that I am so in tune with my body and that I keep learning from it’s cues.  I am also so grateful to have supportive family and friends, and a new helpful therapist.  Working through this book is also helping me better understand myself and my needs too: https://www.selfloverainbow.com/the-self-love-rainbow-workbook-is-here/

    I think that having needs makes me human.  My needs are uniquely my own.  My needs have taught me to show greater compassion and empathy to those who have similar needs and struggles.  My needs have also made me a powerful advocate and supporter for those who need accommodations to meet their needs (or more aptly put, to remove barriers) in the workplace.

    So no matter what your needs are, may you know them, be inspired about how to meet them, and may you know you are no less of a person for having needs.  In fact, I think needs are fabulous, whether they overwhelm me or not from day to day.  So whether you have chronic fatigue syndrome, post concussion symptoms, anxiety and trauma like me, or your own circumstances, may you know and understand your needs and may you celebrate every small step you take to meeting those needs.

    Baby birds in a knot of wood in a barn
    These are tiny baby birds who had just come out of their nest in a deeper hole in the wood.  They had lots of needs and they were so cute, and so are we, even with our needs.

  • Reaching across

    A rocky, grass covered canyon


    I am reaching

    Reaching across my inner divide
    To the one who feels so unsafe and so unloved
    But I see I have been reaching in the wrong direction

    I have been doing so much to control my environment to keep myself safe
    And I have been talking nicely and kindly to myself
    But in this moment, I see how it’s almost like I was aiming at the wrong target.
    Or maybe not, maybe the target has moved and the cry of my innocence has finally reached my awareness.

    Oh my dearest innocence, I love you.
    I am so exhausted trying to reach across this chasm within me to protect you.  I must be going about this in all the wrong ways.  I have been trying to get self-love and self care ‘right’ lately, and I am utterly spent, and I feel no closer to loving and honouring you.

    Maybe I will sit here, within myself and just listen, be present and stop trying.  Just sit.  Just be.  Just listen.  Just stop.

    Note: I have had a difficult time the last several weeks.  I wrote this on one of my tough days, and I love it.  I love how tired I was of trying to make myself feel good, safe and loved, and how that led me to just be with myself.  I have a fixer/manager/protector part of myself, which I super respect, but what I needed in this instance was to hold space for myself. Not to fix, manage or protect but to be with myself.  I wish you so much love as you navigate any tough days or weeks or months or years.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Sometimes

    Artwork of brown sand moving to blue ocean.

    It is okay to slow down.

    It is okay to rest.

    It is okay not to compare oneself to others.

    It is okay (and a good idea) to smile when feeling down.

    It is okay to need help, to eat what doesn’t make you feel the best, and to laugh at the irony of life.

    Sometimes, we just can’t keep up anymore and we need to laugh at how hard we’ve been trying without even understanding why we’ve needed to.

    This is me today.  I am feeling quite physically exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome but somehow much lighter emotionally. 

    Sometimes when I am this tired, I get more anxious and teary.  That was how I felt yesterday, whereas today has started with some smiles, some self-validation and some light heartedness.

    Sometimes I just do the best I can and other times, I stop trying and relax more into myself, exactly as I am, and that brings me peace.  I also made a wise choice to start my day with a super healing meditation for trauma.

    No matter how you are feeling, even if you feel you are making all the wrong choices (I know that feeling!), I support and honour you.  There is definitely no one right way to live a life, so may you find little or big ways to celebrate and cheer yourself on as you live your unique experience.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Deeper

    A photo taken from under the surface of the ocean, with the sun shining through.

    Deeper – A self-care poem


    Sometimes I catch myself trying to accomplish something when I’m feeling
    lost
    sad
    confused or
    overwhelmed.

    Most of the time, the temporary high I get from accomplishing something is very fleeting and
    leads me to want to accomplish something else.

    I honestly had no idea that I was running away from myself when I was doing this
    but now it seems very clear.

    Sometimes accomplishing something gives me a fresh perspective and a chance to feel
    empowered so I can better nurture and honour myself.
    But other times, I’ve been leaving myself behind.

    As I’m writing this, I’m practicing not judging myself, and even loving the one within me who is judging
    and the one who feels judged.  I am growing and evolving and I really can’t know everything all at once.

    And so, here’s to me.  The one who has tried so hard to “manage” these difficult feelings and the one who has been feeling lost, sad, confused or overwhelmed and has had to accompany me
    in pursuit of accomplishment over self-nurturing behaviors.

    No matter where you are in your self-love and self-care experience of life,
    may you be inspired for how best to love and care for your sweetie self and to be kind to yourself when you realize how you can be doing better going forward.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • When I write – a poem

    A sunset from my backyard

    When I write


    Sometimes, when I write, the wisest and steadiest parts of me have something to share
    And it uplifts and inspires me.

    Other times, the most traumatized and fractured parts of me
    Have something to say
    And it’s painful
    Difficult
    And hard
    But what they share is no less wise.
    In fact, those feelings help me learn how to more deeply love myself
    And hold space for myself.
    Hmm, I don’t think I had recognized it like that before.

    Today, I feel them both
    And I am writing and creating space for them both to be here.
    To share with me.
    To enlighten me.
    And to communicate their needs and wisdom.

    And somehow, even though I’m just typing, I feel better.
    I feel like I’m being with myself instead of distracting or abandoning myself through busyness.


    I’m smiling because I’ve finally realized that my traumatized parts are no less wise.
    They are incredibly precious and beautiful
    And they teach me how to care for and nurture the parts of me that have fractured off as a way to survive.
    How truly inspiring.  I had it all backwards.

    I’ve been learning a lot about trauma in the past six weeks and it is helping me make sense
    Of all that I’ve been feeling and experiencing in my life,
    Especially in the last 10 years.
    I’m so grateful for what I’m learning as it’s helping me to heal and reunite with myself more deeply.

    Thank you to all of me, you are all my teachers and I love you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved


  • So Beautiful – a poem

    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    A double rainbow against a cloudy sky
    So Beautiful

     
    This dance of pain, exhaustion, joy and love
    Is so so beautiful

    How could I trade the way I am and the ways I experience life
    When it leads to such depth of feeling?

    The love I feel in my heart for humanity this morning is so precious
    So all encompassing, pure and full of tenderness
    And yet the exhaustion I feel is so painful, difficult and heart wrenching

    All of it is so beautiful

    Only because of the depth of my experiences can there be such beauty
    Such connection with my cells that I feel their fatigue and exhaustion
    Such openness to and awareness of the love that I am, that we all are

    Smile dear one, everything is just as it needs to be
    You don’t need to change or fix yourself or others
    Breathe deeply

    And again

    And again

    There you go.  Put your hand on your heart.

    You are so loved and you are love, no matter how messy, painful, difficult or impossible life is.

    No more comparing to others, no more self-blame, judgement or hate.

    You are so so so beautiful, just as you are.

    A note from me: whether you’re struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome like me, or any other mental or physical health challenges, I see you.  May this poem uplift and validate you, and may you be blessed with so much love. 

    I chose a photo of a double rainbow from a few weeks ago for this post. It is miraculous and spectacular but it is against a cloudy sky.  That same contrast is what helps us feel the highs of life, and the lows. Without the cloudy sky, I may not have noticed that there were two rainbows outside instead of two.  May you receive be aware of and receive the gifts in all of your highs and lows.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Rejoicing and Grieving

    Forest with pine trees and blue skies and clouds in between the trees
    A quiet spot in the forest where I live

    Rejoicing and grieving.

    Two seemingly opposing feelings, and yet, I have felt them both most of the week.

    I wonder if that is how a birch tree feels? It is always growing, yet shedding its bark.

    A close up image of the bark on a birch tree peeling off.
    A beautiful golden birch from the back of our quiet, majestic forest

    I learn a lot from nature. It is always teaching me how to relate to myself more kindly and how to interpret and understand my emotions and experiences.

    This week, I witnessed a rare total solar eclipse and it was breathtaking.  I felt all tingly and warm in my body and I felt my soul being held, nurtured and inspired during the 2 minutes of totality.  And yet, afterwards, especially the next day, I felt more delicate, disappointed and angry.  While those emotions were arising, I was also rejoicing in the total beauty and awesomeness that I felt from the totality.  It was like I was being opened up to release some hurt while also celebrating the gorgeousness of what I witnessed. 

    This theme continued throughout the week.  For example, I was grieving the loss of innocence I experienced as a result of traumatic events in my life, and yet, somehow, I was also celebrating my awareness of the impacts of those tough times, which lessened my inner load and helped me feel more free and empowered.

    Also, yesterday I had the honour of volunteering at and attending a local youth musical theatre production of The Little Mermaid that my teen and 28 other super talented youth performed.  I was filled with joy and awe as I listened as a young actress sang as Ariel.  Her voice was so heavenly, I literally felt like I was being blessed and filled with love as she sang.  It was truly incredible.  I was rejoicing in the abundance of talent, dedication, and overall fabulousness of everyone involved. 

    This morning, I am still revelling and rejoicing but also mourning.  I remember when I was younger and I played so many sports and participated in so many activities.  Having chronic fatigue syndrome gives me many opportunities to rejoice in the healthy and wise choices I make to take care of myself.  Conversely, I also mourn the loss of energy I used to have.  I volunteered yesterday and it was so much fun, but it’s not something I can do often because of my limited energy reserves.  Mourning what I miss out on feels healthy, despite it being sad that I can’t, especially with my big, caring heart, do or help as much as I’d like.

    I learned this week that rejoicing and mourning are not mutually exclusive. What a beautiful gift this week has given me.  I can celebrate the majesty of nature and the tremendous, heavenly gifts of the youth in my community, all while grieving my past and present, and celebrating all the healthy decisions I make to care for myself.

    May you be blessed with so much gentleness as you experience all the richness and depth that life has to offer. 

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    A collection of photos from one of my walks in the forest this week.  The forest looks different with each passing day of spring, just as I keep growing, shedding the old, and blossoming anew.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Sitting with disappointment – a poem

    A winding path through the dense forest
    Photo by Anton Atanasov on Pexels.com

    Sitting with disappointment

    Here I am.
    Disappointed.

    I know disappointment is a part of life.
    I know that others will disappoint me
    And I will disappoint them.
    It doesn’t make it any easier when I’m feeling disappointed though.

    So here I am.
    Disappointed and writing about it.
    Writing about it helps me to be with my disappointment.
    To keep it company and to let it know
    That it is completely valid and allowed to be here.
    It also allows me to acknowledge that I am a human,
    And those who have brought on these feelings are human too.

    And with that, the sting of the disappointment lessens.
    We all do what we can and if it creates disappointment for us or others
    Then, maybe that’s okay.
    Maybe what’s really needed is to learn how to be with these uncomfortable feelings,
    With the “what if,” or “maybe this is why,” and the “only ifs.”

    To all of those who I have hurt, shamed, disappointed or angered, I am truly sorry.
    For you, and for me, I will sit with this disappointment and hold myself.
    I will honour my feelings and know that a caring smile directed towards my heart can help.
    A deep breath into my belly can help.
    Writing can help.
    And so can keeping myself company and loving each emotion as it arises.

    May you be well.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved