Sometimes, when I write, the wisest and steadiest parts of me have something to share And it uplifts and inspires me.
Other times, the most traumatized and fractured parts of me Have something to say And it’s painful Difficult And hard But what they share is no less wise. In fact, those feelings help me learn how to more deeply love myself And hold space for myself. Hmm, I don’t think I had recognized it like that before.
Today, I feel them both And I am writing and creating space for them both to be here. To share with me. To enlighten me. And to communicate their needs and wisdom.
And somehow, even though I’m just typing, I feel better. I feel like I’m being with myself instead of distracting or abandoning myself through busyness.
I’m smiling because I’ve finally realized that my traumatized parts are no less wise. They are incredibly precious and beautiful And they teach me how to care for and nurture the parts of me that have fractured off as a way to survive. How truly inspiring. I had it all backwards.
I’ve been learning a lot about trauma in the past six weeks and it is helping me make sense Of all that I’ve been feeling and experiencing in my life, Especially in the last 10 years. I’m so grateful for what I’m learning as it’s helping me to heal and reunite with myself more deeply.
Thank you to all of me, you are all my teachers and I love you.
This dance of pain, exhaustion, joy and love Is so so beautiful
How could I trade the way I am and the ways I experience life When it leads to such depth of feeling?
The love I feel in my heart for humanity this morning is so precious So all encompassing, pure and full of tenderness And yet the exhaustion I feel is so painful, difficult and heart wrenching
All of it is so beautiful
Only because of the depth of my experiences can there be such beauty Such connection with my cells that I feel their fatigue and exhaustion Such openness to and awareness of the love that I am, that we all are
Smile dear one, everything is just as it needs to be You don’t need to change or fix yourself or others Breathe deeply
And again
And again
There you go. Put your hand on your heart.
You are so loved and you are love, no matter how messy, painful, difficult or impossible life is.
No more comparing to others, no more self-blame, judgement or hate.
You are so so so beautiful, just as you are.
A note from me: whether you’re struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome like me, or any other mental or physical health challenges, I see you. May this poem uplift and validate you, and may you be blessed with so much love.
I chose a photo of a double rainbow from a few weeks ago for this post. It is miraculous and spectacular but it is against a cloudy sky. That same contrast is what helps us feel the highs of life, and the lows. Without the cloudy sky, I may not have noticed that there were two rainbows outside instead of two. May you receive be aware of and receive the gifts in all of your highs and lows.
Two seemingly opposing feelings, and yet, I have felt them both most of the week.
I wonder if that is how a birch tree feels? It is always growing, yet shedding its bark.
A beautiful golden birch from the back of our quiet, majestic forest
I learn a lot from nature. It is always teaching me how to relate to myself more kindly and how to interpret and understand my emotions and experiences.
This week, I witnessed a rare total solar eclipse and it was breathtaking. I felt all tingly and warm in my body and I felt my soul being held, nurtured and inspired during the 2 minutes of totality. And yet, afterwards, especially the next day, I felt more delicate, disappointed and angry. While those emotions were arising, I was also rejoicing in the total beauty and awesomeness that I felt from the totality. It was like I was being opened up to release some hurt while also celebrating the gorgeousness of what I witnessed.
This theme continued throughout the week. For example, I was grieving the loss of innocence I experienced as a result of traumatic events in my life, and yet, somehow, I was also celebrating my awareness of the impacts of those tough times, which lessened my inner load and helped me feel more free and empowered.
Also, yesterday I had the honour of volunteering at and attending a local youth musical theatre production of The Little Mermaid that my teen and 28 other super talented youth performed. I was filled with joy and awe as I listened as a young actress sang as Ariel. Her voice was so heavenly, I literally felt like I was being blessed and filled with love as she sang. It was truly incredible. I was rejoicing in the abundance of talent, dedication, and overall fabulousness of everyone involved.
This morning, I am still revelling and rejoicing but also mourning. I remember when I was younger and I played so many sports and participated in so many activities. Having chronic fatigue syndrome gives me many opportunities to rejoice in the healthy and wise choices I make to take care of myself. Conversely, I also mourn the loss of energy I used to have. I volunteered yesterday and it was so much fun, but it’s not something I can do often because of my limited energy reserves. Mourning what I miss out on feels healthy, despite it being sad that I can’t, especially with my big, caring heart, do or help as much as I’d like.
I learned this week that rejoicing and mourning are not mutually exclusive. What a beautiful gift this week has given me. I can celebrate the majesty of nature and the tremendous, heavenly gifts of the youth in my community, all while grieving my past and present, and celebrating all the healthy decisions I make to care for myself.
May you be blessed with so much gentleness as you experience all the richness and depth that life has to offer.
Big hugs, Bradlee
A collection of photos from one of my walks in the forest this week. The forest looks different with each passing day of spring, just as I keep growing, shedding the old, and blossoming anew.
I know disappointment is a part of life. I know that others will disappoint me And I will disappoint them. It doesn’t make it any easier when I’m feeling disappointed though.
So here I am. Disappointed and writing about it. Writing about it helps me to be with my disappointment. To keep it company and to let it know That it is completely valid and allowed to be here. It also allows me to acknowledge that I am a human, And those who have brought on these feelings are human too.
And with that, the sting of the disappointment lessens. We all do what we can and if it creates disappointment for us or others Then, maybe that’s okay. Maybe what’s really needed is to learn how to be with these uncomfortable feelings, With the “what if,” or “maybe this is why,” and the “only ifs.”
To all of those who I have hurt, shamed, disappointed or angered, I am truly sorry. For you, and for me, I will sit with this disappointment and hold myself. I will honour my feelings and know that a caring smile directed towards my heart can help. A deep breath into my belly can help. Writing can help. And so can keeping myself company and loving each emotion as it arises.
I have become more aware of the emotional wounds I have lately. Over the last several years, I have often felt very heavy, tired and weighed down. It’s like I am carrying a heavy load that is made up of all the past hurts and traumatic events in my life. Some days, I don’t even notice the weight and other times I am so very aware of the load I am carrying and it feels like a tremendous burden.
In the past, I wanted to ignore or push away that burden. I wanted nothing to do with it and I did everything I could to try to “magic” it away through various healing modalities. Here I am, several years later, and I am much older, wiser and kinder to myself, but I am still carrying this emotional weight.
This afternoon on a walk, it came to me that it is okay to carry this burden. It is a very valid burden to carry. It represents my pain and trauma, and those of my ancestors. I am carrying it for all of us, and I will continue to carry it, hold it and witness what it has to share for as long as is necessary. This emotional burden is no different than having an injured knee, hip or shoulder. You can’t see me physically limping or adjusting how I hold a physical burden, but I am carrying it nonetheless.
And maybe it isn’t actually a burden? Maybe the fact that I am aware of these emotional wounds and weight automatically converts it from something that is a burden to carry to something I can be honoured to carry for myself, for my family and for those who came before me? Maybe in my family, we’ve been carrying it for a long time and I will have the opportunity to break any cycles of abuse, neglect, hurt and harm, but not before carrying it, understanding it, nurturing it and thanking it.
Those are a lot of maybes, but they feel like good maybes. Maybe today is the day where I see things differently, from a burden to an honour, and from that place, only good can come? Just this week, I started seeing a therapist to better understand trauma, intergenerational trauma, the effect trauma has on our brains and bodies, and to learn how I can better nurture myself. I am excited, scared, nervous and ready. Maybe this post reflects all of those feelings?
No matter where you are in your journey of tending to and caring for your emotional wounds and burdens, I send you many blessings of care, respect, peace and deep, deep healing. May your heart be light and may you be well.
Last week, I wrote a post that had me full of inspiration. I was feeling like I had been in a metaphorical block of ice and I was enjoying the process of melting. I was feeling free, energized and whole, and it was glorious.
But, the melting didn’t stop there. Instead, I started feeling more numb, frozen and fragile. I realized that there was still more metaphorical melting that hadn’t happened yet. Instead, I was feeling what was still frozen under the surface layer of ice.
It’s fascinating trying to explain what my inner life is like. I am very sensitive and self-aware, and sometimes, it can be very overwhelming, including this time around.
So, I went for a walk in the woods and cried. I walked some more and cried more. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to hold space for these frozen states of my beingness. And so, I admitted that to myself and asked for guidance about how I could help myself.
After the walk, I found myself inspired to do some outdoor chores and move my body around a lot. I did that yesterday too. This morning the feelings got more intense, like they were amplifying, and I felt myself wanting to keep busy so I could distract myself. Luckily, I noticed and sat with my discomfort and talked to my lovely husband about it. All of that helped.
Under the ice, there was more that needed my care and attention. I needed to witness those feelings and be with them as they thawed from that frozen place. I don’t expect this to be the last time I will do this for myself, and I imagine it will feel and be different every time.
This week taught me to be more compassionate, gentle and patient with myself, even though all I wanted was to run away from myself. The spring equinox has passed and it has guided me through my own spring equinox.
May this post help all readers who are in need of some self-compassion to turn within and be a witness to their vulnerability.
This morning when I woke up, I thought of melting.
I had an image in my mind of me being in an ice block and how I have been thawing out and melting away those layers of hardness and rigidity that I was aware of but couldn’t just push or wish away. It appears I needed to deeply feel my pain and the resulting rigidity, and I needed time to process, rest and heal.
Sometimes in the spring, as everything thaws, I feel very exposed and vulnerable. This makes sense, as I have been going through a lot of emotional healing and turmoil. So when I woke up and saw that imagery in my mind of melting ice, I felt great. It made me feel like I have survived a very delicate and difficult time in my life and that I am emerging from a frozen and in process-type of state.
As with all feelings, I tend to think it’s going to last forever. Like when I was so sick a few weeks ago, I was sure I was never going to get better. And today, I feel reborn and renewed, and I want this feeling to last forever. I honour that desire, as who wouldn’t want to feel great more often than not?!
I believe that’s where I am learning to cultivate more compassion for myself. Compassion for the one who wants constancy, and good health. For the one who loves feeling empowered over broken down yet again. For the one who wants to pre-select aspects of my human experience, as opposed to being open to experiencing it all, no matter if it’s what I would choose or not.
Wherever you are in your human experience, I honour you, no matter if you’re feeling broken down or uplifted. I have found new courage and trust in life and in myself this morning, after many years of feeling super delicate, broken and deeply sad. Maybe the glory of what I am feeling today is in direct proportion to the depth of the pain and difficulty I have experienced? I don’t really know, but I hope my sharing helps you feel seen, witnessed and cared for, no matter what your inner and outer circumstances of life are.
I had dreams of becoming a motivational speaker for the last several years. I could see myself on a stage, talking to people, and sharing love, compassion, funny stories and the deep, messy and rawness of being a human.
This afternoon though, I realized that my dreams have changed. I no longer want to be a “motivational speaker;” rather I want to be a “compassionate speaker.”
Life is hard sometimes, and we can feel isolated and alone while we navigate those times, whether it’s days, weeks, months or years long. I think what people need more of these days is someone to hold space for them while they go through the worst in their lives. Someone to see them, witness them, and honour them with care and compassion.
That is my new goal, and I wanted to share about it in my first post in quite awhile. I really feel like the temperature has been turned up, literally and figuratively, on our planet, and now more than ever, we need to offer ourselves, and those around us, more compassion, grace and care. It isn’t always possible to do this, and that is where a “compassionate speaker” may assist and remind us all of what we need and what we can do to care for ourselves.
Matt Kahn, spiritual teacher and “I love you guy,” has really taught me how to do this through his free videos, books and workshops, and I am forever grateful. I would love to help others in the way he’s helped me.
Maybe I will experiment with some short videos in my future posts about what being a “compassionate speaker” may look like for me. At the same time though, I acknowledge that I try to write every post from that place, so maybe it’s just I am shifting in how I identify with what I offer, from my heart to yours ♥️.
May you be well and may you be blessed with deep compassion.
Sometimes I get stuck in the maze of my thoughts before I remember what’s important to me
As an empath, it is easy for me to get caught up in the feelings someone brings to their interactions with me. Recently, I have been temporarily overwhelmed by the intensity of what I am feeling, and it’s like I am stuck in a maze of those feelings. Sometimes for hours, or even a day or two.
I often remind myself that those feelings aren’t mine, but when I feel them so acutely, it can be hard to remember. It’s currently 5 in the morning and those feelings are still banging around in my consciousness, keeping me from feeling settled. But, thankfully, inspiration has struck! I have remembered what is important to me, which is getting a PhD in Being Me, not in being someone else, but lovely, sweet me.
So what does that mean? It means I recognize I was lost in a maze of someone else’s feelings, but I have realized that it’s not my maze to get out from. In other words, I was attending classes in their PhD program, before remembering that all that matters is taking care of me, which includes focusing on me, and what I can do to continue to get a PhD in Being Me. No one else but me.
I had some other imagery pop into my awareness a month or so ago to help me through this time. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself existing within a circular boundary line, and there were holes in it. I saw people and their concerns and force coming right through those holes, and bouncing around within the inner sanctuary of my boundary line. I saw it so clearly, and realized how long that had been going on in my life. I took several breaths, and saw my boundary circle fortifying and completing itself, which brought me much inner peace.
A wise friend recently reminded me how others are here to teach us and help us to grow. I see that so clearly in terms of what’s been happening recently. So thank you to those who so easily come through the weak spots in my boundaries. Thank you for reminding me to focus on myself, and what’s important to me. I expect I will continue to learn this until it becomes so effortless, but in the meantime, even though it is unpleasant sometimes, I must admit that I always feel triumphant when I have these realizations.
No matter what’s going on in your life, may you be blessed with strong boundaries, a gorgeous sense of self, and the confidence to live as the true and complete beauty of your sweetie self.
Today is the last day of 2023, and I am feeling self-reflective.
I have long wanted to write about how the view outside of my front window changes depending on the time of day and the weather and season. The photo above is from early in the morning last week. I awoke to a warm pink glow through the curtains and I jumped up to grab my camera to capture the spectacular glory that I got the honour to witness.
The same view on a different morning
This photo is of the same view on a different day and is still lovely. The changing view reminds me that I don’t have to expect myself to always be the same. I may be able to shine my light brightly one day, and other days, it may still be bright, but shining at a different intensity, or perhaps more inward.
I love how the view outside my window teaches me to treat myself with more compassion and gentleness. I don’t expect the view out of my window to be the same every day, so why would I expect that of myself?
Even in the early, early morning, the view out of my window is spectacular. May that help us all to know how lovely we all are, even on days where we don’t feel our best or things aren’t going the way we hoped or needed them to.
We learn different things through all the ways we feel and show up each day, and none are better or worse. They just are.
The same view very early on a different morning
So whether you are ready to seize the last day of 2023, or if you just want to stay in bed, you are lovely.
Whether this has been a disastrous or painful year for you, or if you’ve had some fun through the hard times, I see you.
No matter the changing landscape of circumstances and feelings in your life, you are very worthy of being seen and validated.
May the changing view out your window remind you that change is guaranteed in our lives.
May we all relax into change more freely and let go of judgment and expectations around who we should be at any moment and rest in how we are, with self-respect, love and care.
