A note: This poem is a follow up to the post I published the other day about living with presence and bringing more of my care, attention and awareness to life. I have cycled through being more conscious and present in my life and I am coming alive to my life once again. No matter where you are on your journey of mindfulness and presence, I wish you well and may you show yourself compassion. Big hugs!
Choosing consciously – a poem
If I do something and
feel like I don’t have a choice,
I will be drained, hopeless and exhausted.
If I do that same something
but bring myself to the task
and choose to do it
because I want to,
I am no longer choiceless.
If I know that taking the garbage out
and washing the pots are the last thing I want to do,
but I do them anyway,
I age, decay and slowly die inside.
If I recognize that I don’t
want to do those tasks and
be gentle and caring with myself,
instead of forcing my way on,
I blossom, heal and nourish myself.
It is a very subtle distinction,
but I do believe it is
the key to ending cycles of abuse,
by using our free will even where
it seems like we don’t have any.
May we all find the little ways in which we can liberate
A lovely moment when I stopped, took in the beauty of the sunrise and basked in its glory
I really liked the subject of yesterday’s post, remembering the human in all of us (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/07/13/for-the-human-in-all-of-us/). Today, I am taking the concept a bit further by explaining my own troubles with losing myself in doing things.
When I am tired, which is often because I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities. When I am in that place, walking the dogs is not a pleasure, it’s a chore, taking care of the chickens is mechanical and cleaning or washing up feels like I am dragging my body around. It’s a really sad state of affairs, but it’s the honest truth sometimes. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how being miserable while living my life isn’t ideal, in fact it’s just really sad and not what I want.
I’ve decided to start being while doing. What I mean is this: When I check on the chickens, I want to see them, be with them, and honor them and me. It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit with them for an hour and talk to each of them. It more means that I will take the time to look at and be with them while I check on them. Would I like to interact with them when I check on them? Would it bring me joy to stop, bend down, notice the gorgeous reflection of the sun in their feathers, and how soft they feel on my fingertips? I think it’s a simple change, but one that can have a beautiful and miraculous impact for me and those I am interacting with, including the chickens, dogs, my family, co-workers, the plants in my garden and my home while I take care of it.
I have known this for a long time, I’ve written poems about it as a way of teaching myself to be present and mindful and appreciative of my life, even the less enjoyable parts, while I’m living it. What I’m realizing lately is that I had forgotten about it among the various stressors with my health, my family’s health and the state of the world, especially after the covid battle.
How do you feel while reading this post? Do you resonate with what I’m sharing? Would you like to shine more of the light of your beautiful heart and mind on the tasks you do in your life? If so, I invite you to join me. If you don’t know how, I’ll share a bit about what works for me to bring my presence to my life:
I look in the mirror when I’m in the washroom and I make sure I make eye contact with myself. I usually smile too, even if I’m not feeling great that day, just to give myself a little boost and some care, right from me to me.
I try not to rush around doing chores. I make a list and identify the ones I really have to do, and I give myself permission to go at the pace that feels best for me. Playing some great music seems to remind me to enjoy life while doing chores too. Dancing or singing while cleaning reminds me of my humanity.
I remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing. I take my time when I need to use the washroom, instead of just treating it like a means to an end.
Before I walk the dogs, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself how much I love them. If the walk is stressful, I sing gently to myself or go through what I’m grateful for, or what I wish I could be grateful for (thanks for that tip Matt Kahn!).
I take short breathing breaks throughout the day to give my body more of the vitality that comes from consciously attending to my breath.
Over the next few posts, I’ll share some of my poetry that speaks to this topic. With every breath you take, may you know, feel and sense your beautiful presence and may you feel the majesty and the grace of the light of your own care and attention.
Sometimes my perspective is slightly cloudy and misty. I stop, breathe, and remember my humanity and my vision clears.
Sometimes, I find myself getting very frustrated by how slowly things change in our world. I am constantly reflecting, growing, evolving, and improving the way I relate to myself and the world. I find it hard when things don’t keep up with my expectations.
When I am frustrated and want things to be better, I stop and focus on the human I am interacting with. I remember their humanity. I remember that they have feelings, hopes and dreams, and they are likely doing the best they can. If they can’t meet me where I’m at and I find myself getting frustrated, I can take a deep breath. I can remember that there is a human in front of me who is deserving of love, validation, and acknowledgment. They are there, reminding me of the depth of experience possible that comes from interacting consciously with a person, even if I don’t like what is going on, what they are saying or what I am feeling.
With every interaction I have, may I share love, validation, and respect to all, including myself. May we all remember that we are human, that we all respond well when we aren’t treated as objects but as beautiful beings.
It also helps me to remember that I am a human. I have ups and downs, triggers, emotions, passions, etc. When things aren’t going well in a situation, I breathe and remember that I am human, the people around me are human and we all have basic needs. When I remember this, I can approach a situation from a more heart centered instead of judgemental place.
I see you dear reader, and I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking your time to read this post. May your interactions be blessed with so much care and respect and humanity.
Do you ever feel like you need a little space? Gosh, I know I do! If you can relate to the facial expressions below, please read on and check out my video further down ❤️❤️.
I am smiling here and resting my head on my forehead. Sometimes I add some swearing tooThis is my “no, not again” face. It’s usually for the dogs, and may be accompanied by swearingI had fun with these photos. This one is half irritated, half me trying to capture my exasperation for you.
Sometimes, you need a little space. When life feels like too much, when there is too much to do, or too many demands from others on your time. A little space is a free and easy way to rebalance and recharge so you can come back to feeling like yourself.
I fully acknowledge that the more stress and pressure in life, the more space is needed. Sometimes we can give that to ourselves, but sometimes we can’t because we are caretakers, or our work requires it. In this short video, I give a few examples of how you can give yourself some space.
I was inspired to put this post together this afternoon because I needed space big time. It’s felt like a big week, and I am tired out today. My dogs seem to know when I am more tired, and they push the boundaries hard as a result. I yelled at them earlier and just felt so crowded. I recognize this may not seem like a big deal, but I am recovering from a lifetime of letting others take up my personal space, and my dogs are my best teachers. I get so harried and overwhelmed when my boundaries are violated, and I decided to make a change this afternoon to help myself out.
I had a quick errand to run, so I thought that would be a way to get some space. I almost came back home right away, but I decided to pause and consider what would help me the most. I decided to get some gas for my Lovemobile (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/07/04/phd-in-being-me-in-action/) and some fries, and it made a huge difference. I don’t think it was about the fries or seeing people at the gas station. I think it was much more about needing to do my own thing, by myself, so I could recharge. And even recognizing that I needed that time out of the house.
From my heart to yours, here are some other ways I have found to get a little space while not leaving my home:
Pulling up weeds is a free way to connect with nature, get your feelings out and be outside
Washing dishes while playing your favorite song
Taking a longer than usual shower or bath and enjoying the feeling of the water
Saying no to demands from everyone and enjoying something that brings pleasure or smiles to your heart
Lying on your bed when you can be alone and spending 5 minutes deep breathing
Looking at yourself in the mirror and smiling and saying nice things to yourself, even if you look and feel like shit. This is very effective for me. It allows me to show up for and see myself, even in my worst moments.
I first really understood the true value of space from Matt Kahn, a spiritual teacher and author who had helped me a lot (www.mattkahn.org). He explained how we need space so we can empty out our energetic recycling bin. He also helped me to know that anger and irritation is a sure sign that space is needed to process, integrate, and empty our recycling bin. I use those emotions as cues to take a few minutes to a few hours to take care of myself.
I sincerely hope this post was helpful for you. If not, I hope you laughed at my hilarious facial expressions. Please share how you give yourself a little space. Big hugs!
Over the past few days, I have been witnessing and hearing about people being treated as less than. It really bothers me, and I get really angry and want to change our world for the better. I know that hurt people hurt people, but I can’t help but feel like we should all be able to get along.
If you are being mistreated, cast aside, ignored, persecuted, or abused, I stand with you. I am with you, and you are so worthy.
For every time you feel down, please read these words and be reminded that you matter and you are lovely, just as you are.
Our world values numbers, productivity, and profits over people. You are so much more than a human resource and a human doing. You are a beautiful being, and may you know and feel your beauty, truth, and worth, no matter how you are being treated.
May you be blessed with an abundance of support, safety, courage, and strength to leave unhealthy situations.
May you know how worthy you are of being well treated and being in healthy environments with compassionate people.
May we all rise up to live from our inner power so we can create true equity for all.
I stand with you, I honor you, and I am cheering you on.
Me sending you lots of love and saying, “I see you and you are so worthy.”
It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot. In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity. They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away.
I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity. We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away. I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/
Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others. I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own. On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.
Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!
Image of me flexing my muscles in celebration of finding strength within me
Sneak peek: loving video at the end of this post!
Since I started getting progressively more tired with chronic fatigue syndrome, I thought I was getting weaker. It can be easy to associate any condition or change in abilities with weakness. I felt the same about how anxious I was getting over the years. It turns out I was wrong. Learning to cope with challenges and unexpected realities creates strength and resilience, not weakness.
For a long time, I hid how tired I was, and I didn’t talk about how hard it was, even with my doctor and naturopath. I felt this absurd need to downplay my symptoms. Through many hardships in my personal and professional, I learned just how much shame I was experiencing. I think I needed to soak in that shame so I could find my self-worth and rise up despite my diagnosis. I feel like I could write a book about this subject and I really hope to in the future. There is something so magical about struggling and suffering yet finding one’s way through. It is so beautiful and inspiring, and I hope to uplift and support others by sharing deeply about my struggles to embrace, accept, know, and love myself.
I had so many loving and supportive people who validated me, even when I didn’t think I was good enough. My family first helped me see that I am physically and emotionally strong even though I am always tired. They supported me through the shame and unworthiness I felt about it. My beautiful friend Jana helped me with that, too, when I easily moved a heavy umbrella stand. And Georgette coached me through the fears I had about taking big steps to reclaim my power. K taught me that there are cycles in life and that it’s okay not to give 100% all the time. I remember how incredibly powerful their help and support was. I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and colleagues who loved and appreciated me for me, regardless of how tired or anxious I was (or am). I hadn’t recognized how small, not good enough and incapable I felt just because I am chronically exhausted.
With every supportive and encouraging word from family, friends, colleagues and that I learned to give to myself, I started reclaiming my worth and my physical and emotional strength. Learning to honor myself and my precious body has been life changing for me, too. Developing my self-worth has helped me make healthier and more confident decisions in my life, including recognizing and enforcing boundaries, eating ways that give me more energy and other healthy habits. Tremendous good has come out of having chronic fatigue syndrome. Through perceiving myself as weak, I have found true strength, what a beautiful gift. My strength still wavers at times, but now that I have found it, I won’t lose it again.
Even though we face challenges in life, whether they are imposed on us by society or not, whether they are temporary or permanent, physical, mental, emotional, or financial, or the result of longstanding systemic racism and oppression, we are still strong. Challenges of any kind don’t make us weak. If anything, they make us more resilient.
May we all rise up and reclaim our inner power and strength and dissolve all barriers so we may have true equity, unity, harmony and acceptance within our hearts, bodies, minds, societies, cultures and countries. May we all be blessed to have loving and supportive people to share our lives with too!
In closing, I am sharing a video with a special message and some deep breaths from my heart to yours ❤️.
A short video to anchor the message of finding strength, self-love and self-worth especially through challenges
Note: I have not suffered the effects of systemic racism and oppression as a white, cisgender woman of Lebanese and Italian ancestry. I wanted to include reference to those who deal with that on a daily basis to honor their strength and resilience. And to highlight my commitment as an ally who is learning and applying what I learn each day. May those oppressive and racist systems be completely transformed and resolved for the well-being of all humanity.
I wrote this poem in January 2019. I was going through a tough time with my mental and physical health, and there were several other challenges in my personal and professional life. I was learning so much about being an empath and how to thrive despite everything I was feeling. I definitely didn’t feel like I was thriving, but this poem showed my dedication to figuring it out, which makes my heart smile.
Reading this poem reminds me how much more complex life is for people who feel deeply and who are empaths. It also reminds me how courageous the most sensitive of souls are each day, and it gives me hope for transforming our planet with light, love and sensitivity. Big hugs!
That cynical edge
I have been trying so hard not to become cynical.
I have railed against the cynicism, doubts and anger that have filled my world and
I have done my best to push it away.
It has slowly crept up on me, climbing up my legs, and weaving itself
around me, stealthily and purposefully and it has me around the neck.
It is choking me and infecting my brain and soul.
I no longer trust in the good of all.
I no longer know what I trust in.
I am a stupid leaf being blown by the wind and now I’ve once again
landed in the cesspool of humanity’s pain.
Why do I keep ending up here?
I hate it here.
I get it.
We are suffering, we have suffered, it seems like we will keep suffering.
How is it helping me to be a little leaf blowing from circumstance to circumstance?
How it is that I am getting deeper and deeper into the cesspool when there is so much good in my life?
What steps can I take to trust in the good once again?
What do I need in order to trust in the good once again?
How many hugs am I feeling like I missed out on?
How many kind words am I longing to hear?
How many times do I need to be acknowledged and witnessed until I can once again trust the good in all, including in myself?
How is it that my self-worth is still tied up in receiving those things?
What might I need to break all the cycles of abuse, within and without, so that trust and love may rise up again within me as the default operating system?
What was that dream teaching me when I was a little girl?
What was it teaching me to see Mother Mary alone in a big and empty hospital waiting room? She was alone and scared and she was about to give birth to Jesus, but she was so alone. I had that dream several times and I’ve never forgotten it. How may I assist myself and our planet in healing, transforming and resolving the extreme loneliness that has led to the creation and deepening of the cesspool of humanity’s exceptionally exquisite pain that seems ready to burst in every aspect of our planet?
How may I transition from being the pain and not trusting anything to being the one to bring light to the cesspool for the wellbeing of all?
May the guidance come from within my great big heart and may it come quickly and effortlessly to help me with my mission.
I know I’ll never drown in the cesspool, but it’s time to transform it.
May it be transformed into the golden waters of Heaven where all may come to be nourished, healed, blessed and transformed instead of where people come to commiserate with others in the pain and darkness of their everyday existence.
I wrote this poem on February 14, 2019. I remember those days of missing myself, and I still sometimes feel that, although it has a different feeling lately. Like I’ve been missing only certain parts of me that I’m still reclaiming, like my power. I am sharing it with the hope that it inspires anyone else who is missing themselves. Big hugs!
Missing myself – a poem
I feel like I’ve been missing myself.
Just this morning, I have been crying, aware that I have missed me.
I have been so caught up trying to survive and make it through in the past few months that I have been missing myself.
It is a good feeling in a way, because it means I’ve noticed and it is time to figure out how to spend more time with me, instead of rushing around all the time, trying to make things right outside of me and for other people.
Imagine how weird that is…I am right here, but yet I have missed myself.
There is a massive depth to me and when I am in survival mode, I am only living from the surface of me.
My depths are crying out for me to return to them, to bring the depths up to the surface so that I may exist in a more whole and complete way and as a result, I may bring more blessings, health and abundance to myself and to all of those I interact with.
Here I am, vulnerable and raw, sinking into the depths of me, while they rise to meet me.
What a holy day.
Interestingly enough, it is Valentine’s Day today. May I be reunited with all that I am, in a true sacred union that needs no flowers, chocolates or cards.
PhD in Being Me 