PhD in Being Me

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

  • Life on country roads

    A country road with a beautiful sunset in the background
    A cozy country road where I live with a gorgeous sunset

    Several years ago, I heard a beautiful analogy that really applied to my life: the different types of roads and the speeds allowed on each one to understand the various phases of life.

    Right now, I am traveling on country roads. I can speed up and get on a two lane highway for a short period of time, but then I have to exit, and drive onto the roads with a lower speed limit and no passing allowed.

    As I have written before, having chronic fatigue syndrome has been a huge adjustment for me, and really, it still is. I remember all the super fun and amazing stuff I did when I had more energy. I loved the fast pace of life when I was younger, but I also really craved down time to rest and be by myself. Now, I know how to spend time by myself without feeling lonely, and I love being quiet, resting, and driving on the country roads of my life at a slower speed.

    There are many aspects of life that I have missed now that I am not traveling on the highways of my life, but there are many things I was missing on those roads. Living life at a slower speed and with physical limitations has taught me to truly BE with myself while I live. I have a deeper relationship with myself than I did before; I have learned to trust myself, to know what food and habits are best for me, and how to advocate for myself.

    Exiting the highway and taking the country roads has been a privilege, even though at times it has felt like I got a really bad speeding ticket and haven’t been allowed on the highway 🙃.

    Finding the blessings on the country roads has been awesome. I am so grateful for what these country roads are teaching me. I am a stronger and more compassionate person thanks to my time on these roads. Wherever you are in your life, may your journey be blessed with peace, love, light, and healing, and may you appreciate the view, no matter what speed you live at ❤️❤️.

    Thanks for reading and big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

    A dog sleeping on his back on a couch, completely stretched out!
    This is our dog Archie, he is the master of relaxation sometimes, and super high-energy and playful at other times

  • Phases of life: micro versus macro

    A close up image of delicate purple flowers with a yellow center.
    When I am in a micro stage of life, I focus on what’s closest to me in greater detail and I don’t have as much energy for the bigger perspective or activities
    A field of purple flowers, with lots of sky, slightly out of focus
    When I am in a macro stage of life, my focus is much broader and I can see the bigger picture and I have more energy to explore

    I am working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and that means learning about myself, noticing what I am feeling, and adjusting as necessary.

    Lately, I have really started to understand that I go through phases where I have a micro or a macro focus. I used some images above to try to illustrate my experiences in both phases. I will also elaborate with some examples.

    Currently, I am in a major micro phase. I work each day and beyond that, I really only want to focus on taking care of my mind, heart, body and energy, and taking care of my family and home. I have tried using social media, but it’s like I have an aversion to it. More likely though, I am being called inward, and as a result, my focus is much more narrow, or micro (small). In the past, I might have thought there was something wrong with me, but now I can feel the call inward and the narrowing of my focus, and I honor it. I am smiling as I type this, it feels good to be getting to know myself more. It also feels good to notice my ever evolving experience of life. I had thought that staying steady was the hallmark of success as a human. I was so wrong, hence my smiling as I write this.

    This summer, I was in a macro phase. I was excited about my new job, the project proposal I was working on, and the feeling of being able to swim a bit more than last summer. My chronic fatigue syndrome symptoms weren’t as strong and I loved being in the cool river water. I spent time with family and friends, and I could feel the future I dream about where I am a self help author and speaker. It was lovely. Partway through September, I started feeling the inward pull and the need for quiet and simplicity. Isn’t that beautiful? Neither phase is better than the other, they are equally valid ways of experiencing life.

    Sigh…..deep breath…..relief. No self-judgement, just glorious space to be exactly as I am, exactly as you are.

    Where are you in your life? Do you experience similar phases to mine or different ones? No matter how you are experiencing life right now, may you be blessed with peace, compassion, love and inner harmony.

    With love ❤️, Bradlee

    Ps, I listened to this song on repeat while writing this post. It is absolutely gorgeous. May we all be blessed to hold ourselves, no matter what we are living through.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Supported

    Tree tops with a pink and purple sky, with part of a rainbow above them.
    A beautiful rainbow during a sunset this past week!


    It makes such a difference in life to be supported. In the last two months at my work, I have been incredibly supported. It feels so very good! I’ve been learning a new job and putting together a project proposal for an innovative idea. It’s been a really busy time, but it’s felt so wonderful because everyone I’ve been working with has been so supportive, caring and kind.

    My last post was about meeting myself where I am at, and I wanted to provide the upside of how I’ve been feeling over the last month. Even though I was in a time of transition and challenge in my professional and personal life, not all of the transition and challenges were negative. In fact, I could feel how they were here to help me, even if some of the challenges were harder than I wanted them to be.

    The challenge of working on a project proposal was invigorating and fun. I had never done anything like that before, and I reveled in learning everything I needed to learn for that. It was so empowering for me to come up with an innovative idea, and to have so many people interested in sharing their feedback and ideas. I learned how challenges can help us grow, whether it’s because they’re fun challenges, or even unwanted challenges like I had, with our rescue dog really struggling after he got a cut. It sounds like such a simple thing, but my oh my, it was incredibly stressful.

    One thing I learned over the course of this month of transition was the power of asking “how” questions. I learned about this concept from this Matt Kahn video if you’d like to check it out. I’ll explain with an example. This morning, I found myself saying, “oh man, I am so exhausted, what am I going to do?” It is a question I ask myself often as a person with chronic fatigue syndrome. Luckily I don’t spiral in those unhelpful thoughts like I used to (but I still sometimes do!), but I learned how I could ask a “how” question to greater support myself and invite greater inspiration and support from the universe. I decided to try it out, so I asked, “how can I have more emotional, mental, energetic, physical energy in my life?”. Gosh, it felt so much lighter inside of me. Matt taught that it’s important not to look for an answer for that question, but to be open to having inspiration come directly to me.

    No matter where you’re at in your life, may you be supported in all the most beautiful and miraculous ways that will help you. May your challenges bring your growth, and may you be blessed with strength, no matter what types of challenges you are navigating. May you discover the power of asking “how..(insert what you’re looking for, with a positive spin, here)” questions. I’ll end with a how question of my own, “how may I write each blog post to help uplift, inspire, support and nourish my readers.”

    Thanks for reading and may you be well.
    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Meeting myself where I am at

    Fall is a time of transition for nature and for us. May we learn to meet our needs with love and compassion whenever we’re in transition.

    It’s been over a month since my last post. That’s the longest I have gone without writing. In truth, I missed it. In reality, I needed to meet myself where I have been at, and take some steps towards greater self-care.

    How does one even go about meeting oneself where they’re at? In my experience, it means recognizing my circumstances and my feelings and noticing how I am doing. For example, in the past month, even checking my social media felt beyond my capacity, let alone posting or commenting on anything. I also noticed that I was more easily anxious, angry and overwhelmed. Those were all cues that helped me to know that I needed to make some adjustments.

    I tried talking about my feelings more, taking more baths, getting into bed earlier, watching more fun shows, and reading more, too. I also tool more breathing breaks throughout my days, and cheered myself on. Those all helped me through, but I could tell that more was needed. It was almost as if the transition to fall was making all of my leaves fall off, and I needed to rest and be still during this time of change. I’d also been feeling like so many unconscious behaviors were coming to the forefront of my days, and it was uncomfortable and messy.

    Meeting myself where I am at. That’s been me the past month, and I am proud of myself for making efforts to make my days gentler during this time of transition. Do you feel the need to meet yourself where you’re at, instead of forcing yourself to be somewhere else? If yes, I invite you to join me and explore your needs, one healthy choice at a time. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • An empty shell – a poem

    An empty shell – a poem

    I am feeling empty
    Hollow
    I exist only as a shell of myself

    I can feel the need to look for me
    On Facebook, Instagram, in the eyes of another 
    In writing this blog post

    I have been here before
    It is lonely and vacuous
    And nothing I think, do, eat, or consume seems to touch it or fill me back up

    So I rest
    I lie down
    I listen to my self-love playlist
    I close the door and spend time with my shell
    I breathe and watch my belly rise and fall
    I smile because why not
    And  know I will feel better through being kind to myself instead of running away and trying to find me on the outside

    I want to blame others for how I feel
    But I know how I am feeling is no one's fault
    It is a simple signal to stop, breathe, be with myself and pull out of the endless cycle of doing and consuming more

    With every breath I take today,
    May I nourish, rejuvenate, and revitalize all parts of me
    May the echoes of my self-care reach you, no matter where you are or how you feel
    May we all turn inwards to find our peace and ourselves 
    Big hugs and deep beautiful breaths to you
    A short video from my resting self to you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Snails are slow, and sometimes, so am I

    A close up image of a snail, with its two antenna extended and its shell in the background.
    Snails are so cute, they make me smile

    I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.

    When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.

    A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.

    I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.

    No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    A snail with a striped shell on a yellow flower
    You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life

  • A balm for your soul – a story post

    Site icon
    A balm for your soul – a story post
    May Nature's beauty be a balm for your soul 💖.

  • Bullied – a poem

    A notebook with the words, "stop bullying" with a heart.


    It brings a big smile to my heart to say that I’m sharing this poem below in honour of my friend Niveen.  We just reconnected recently and she inspired me to share this poem. In talking to her, I shared how my poems come to life, and I’d like to share that with you too.


    I’ve always been a sensitive empath who feels emotions really strongly.  I didn’t understand that for the first 30ish years of my life, but now that I know it, it’s been easier to learn what I need to feel good.  Writing out my feelings is a very helpful way for me to process them.  As I’ve mentioned before, I used to just shove those feelings down.  Learning how to feel them, give them space to be felt and to witness them has been a challenge for me, but a true gift because I know my feelings now.  They aren’t as scary as they used to be because they know I’ll take the time to feel them, get to know them and hold space for them.  Hmmm, I didn’t even realize I felt that way until I wrote it just now. Thanks Niveen!

     
    Usually I know I am feeling some big feelings because I feel an inner pressure, like how it must be inside of a volcano for weeks before it erupts.  I do my best to pay attention to that feeling.  Sometimes I talk gently to myself when I feel like that, and other times, I just get in front of the computer and let the feelings do all the talking through my fingers.  I sometimes cry or rage while I’m typing and I feel the pressure releasing the more I type.  I’m always amazed that the feelings seem to resolve themselves by the end of the poem.  There is also a pattern that I’ve noticed; by giving my feelings space and validity, then it frees up my inner wisdom to come forward and guide me with loving words to a conclusion.  If you’ve read a few of my poems, you’ll notice that they often have a loving, peaceful resolution at the end.  Every time I write, it’s like I’m learning to be my own best friend and supporter from the inside out.  That is truly what getting a PhD in Being Me is about.  Not trying to do what others do, but connecting so deeply into what works best for each of us.


    And now, here is my poem, Bullied.  I have felt this way at so many times in my life.  With each time, I find more courage, strength and inner fire to speak up for myself, realize when enough is enough, and find safety.  It is a true honour and privilege for me to be growing through my experiences. 

    May this poem help you and may you know how worthy you are of being respected and accepted for who you are.  Big hugs!



    Bullied – a poem


    Here I am

    Feeling bullied, disrespected and not listened to

    I don’t know how people can be at such odds with one another

    It’s like a cycle of force and struggle and I feel like I am the only one to see it

    What the heck is going on

    Why can’t we all just get along

    Why do I have to do what I’m told or what others expect of me, even if it goes against my values and my thoughts of what is best

    How in the world can I feel good while being put in these situations time and time again?



    I guess it comes down to not being a victim and breathing deeply.

    Knowing that who I am and how I care for me is more important than anything else.

    I don’t think I need to put up with shit, but I also don’t need to get overly involved either.

    It’s so sad, but it seems to be the way to survive and find the light to thrive.

    I’m not sure how to go about this, but I’m going to breathe, acknowledge myself, ask myself to come along and see what happens next.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2023. All Rights Reserved

  • When it all works out

    This beautiful art my husband made me sums up how I am feeling

    I love it when it all works out! I find it especially exciting after a time of deep fatigue, anxiety, stress, or tension (or all of them)! Maybe that’s the gift the contrast between the highs and lows of life gives us?

    This past weekend, I went to a beautiful family reunion, and I saw cousins I hadn’t seen in over 30 years. There was so much delicious food that I didn’t eat because I was so happy hugging and talking. My heart was overflowing with love, and truly, there is no better feeling. It made my emotional and physical aches and pains melt away.

    Before going, I had decided to bring all of who I am now, instead of relating to everyone like I used to when I was a shy kid and an unsure teenager. I felt like I grew up a lot by making that choice, like I integrated and honored the many parts of me. This GIF represents how I feel more cohesive and organized within myself.

    I haven’t been sleeping as well since that time, almost like all of me is awake, revelling in the joy of the wonderful road trip with my family, an incredible reunion, and loving visit with my precious Dad. Even though I know there will be challenges ahead, I feel good and fortified. May this feeling last, and may we all be blessed with lovely, heartwarming experiences where it all works out.

    This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through. May you be inspired about how to best care for and enjoy who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. Big hugs!

    A simple flower with a text box with these words, "This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through.'

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Give yourself time

    Picture of author smiling with hearts and rainbow stickers.
    A big smile from my healing heart to yours

    I have been so hard on myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome, for being anxious, for not being good enough, for having cellulite, for not “getting better” fast enough and for so many other reasons.

    You know what though? I am more than good enough and my journey through life is amazingly valid. Today, my heart said, “give yourself time and be proud of everything you are healing, overcoming and learning through your challenges and feelings. “

    My heart asked me to share its messages with you too. Please give yourself time and grace. You are so worthy of receiving that, even if you don’t know how to give that to yourself. You are precious and you matter 💖.

    If it hurts to read that because you don’t feel able or worthy of receiving it, you are super precious and you matter. I used to not believe those words, and I definitely didn’t know how to say kind things to myself. I learned how to do that in 2015, and it gets easier every day…please give yourself time to learn to love and honor yourself.

    By giving ourselves time, instead of keeping ourselves in a pressure cooker, we learn that we are valid. We learn that our worth is not determined by our circumstances or how quickly or slowly we heal or learn to love ourselves.

    Let’s give ourselves time to learn how to be with ourselves while we do hard things. Let’s give ourselves time to honor our pain, joy, anger and sadness. Let’s give ourselves time to get to know our bodies and what they need from us. Let’s give ourselves time to be fully us and to reclaim any banished parts of ourselves.

    This isn’t a race and there are no prizes. The rewards are huge though; being able to love yourself, being able to connect to the needs of your body, heart, mind and soul, and more.

    If you’re interested, this is the video that sparked a love revolution within me: https://youtu.be/ZjwTW-sjIto

    Big hugs and take all the time you need!

    Xoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.