PhD in Being Me

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

  • A pause

    A tree with orange leaves on the ground all around it, with mist in the background
    A quiet place among the leaves and mist

    The older I have gotten (I am 44), the more I am giving myself permission to pause.  A pause can mean many things, including:

    • Taking a breath before I respond to a person or a situation
    • Deciding that I will get back to a person instead of answering them right away
    • Prioritizing taking care of myself, even if just for a short while, before working through the items on my to do list.

    Am I an expert at pausing?  Sometimes, and sometimes I rush and feel so much pressure that a pause is the last thing I think about. 

    Learning about me from my experiences is the point of working towards a PhD in Being Me.  I am at the school of me, learning every day about how best to take care of myself and honour myself as I live my life.  And to do this with as much kindness, grace, care and love I can possibly give myself, including giving myself a big or little pause when I need it.

    I have had a very narrow window of tolerance for the last several months as I was very stressed out by my life’s circumstances.  I have included a pdf for those new to the window of tolerance concept or how trauma can influence your window of tolerance (I hope it works!)

    Window of ToleranceDownload

    As I take better care of myself, my window of tolerance is increasing.  With that increase, it is getting easier to notice when a pause would benefit me.

    For example, I was annoyed by my dog’s behavior the other day, and I realized that I had other choices than getting really angry or crying.  Just that realization alone was the pause I needed to access more choices within me.  It was like I saw the overwhelmed and tired parts of myself and honoured them with that pause that allowed me to choose how to respond better. 

    Being off work has allowed me to see how much I was just holding on and coping every day, instead of living and thriving.  I know many of us can relate to those words.  If you can, I send you many big hugs, it sure is tough.  No matter where you are in your life, whether you are thriving or just holding on, may there be many more golden pauses available to you, and lots of love, kindness and peace too. 

    With lots of care 💕, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Witnessing myself

    Early morning on a misty road
    A misty morning

    Sometimes I feel lonely.

    Sometimes I feel like I wish I could be seen more deeply and completely.

    Sometimes I feel so tired it’s hard to do much.

    Sometimes I feel like my being is surrounded by mist and I need the sun to rise more to transform it.

    Today feels joyous and celebratory, but heavy with a deep mist that has permeated my being.  It’s amazing how I can feel all of that at once.  Isn’t being a human amazing, miraculous, hard and wild?

    I have decided to start writing more.  When I write, I witness myself, and the heavy mists lessen, like I am my own sunshine, rising up within me, bringing light, new possibilities and strength to myself, just like our sun does for us and our planet.

    As I write this, I can already feel the lightness spreading, reminding me of how okay I am, even when my heart needs extra hugs, and especially when my hurts arise and need me to give myself more love, compassion and support.

    And so, I smile, I write, and I unite within me with every word I type.

    A campfire with low flames
    A slow burn campfire

    Last week, I had a campfire with and for myself.  It started out really blazing, and I decided to take a photo when it was at its slow burn point.  I was really struck by the white logs and the small flames dancing between the logs.  It served as a metaphor for my healing journey.  Every day and year, I grow and heal, not in a bonfire way, but in a slow burn way that allows me to feel, process, integrate and heal.

    Do I ever wish I could just hurry it up and be better faster?  YES!  Definitely. But, I know these wounds have been here for a long time, including from generations past, and I am learning to breathe, to be, to honour my wounded parts, and to hold space for them to heal and integrate fully into my beingness.

    And so I breathe, smile, write and relax.  May this post make you feel seen, witnessed and honoured in all the ways that you need.

    I will sign off wishing you all my best, lots of care, and many opportunities to know and feel how special you are.

    Big hugs,

    Bradlee, and Maggie and Archie, respectively, as seen below

    Me and Maggie, my dog, who has golden red fur with a white face
    Maggie and me
    Me and my dog, Archie, who has golden red fur with a white nose
    Archie and me

  • Inspiration

    Northern Lights in the sky
    The Northern Lights in my backyard

    I find it important lately to find inspiration from all possible sources.  I have been worn down by circumstances in my life, and I have felt how dysregulated my nervous system is and how truly exhausted I have been in all aspects of my being.

    I have taken several months off work to take better care of myself and my family as we navigate these challenges, and it feels amazing.  I am noticing just how tired, anxious and overstimulated I am, and I am paying attention.  It is a true gift to have this time to feel, notice and take care of myself and our family.

    I have been off work for a month, and I am really noticing what a boost I get from inspiring events and things.  For example, I went to my gorgeous niece’s beautiful wedding and it was so heart warming and incredible.  Getting an opportunity to celebrate two people in love made me feel amazing.  It really shows on my face in all of our photos (I am the one with the long hair).

    Photo of me dressed up and smiling
    Photo of me and my husband dressed up and smiling

    Getting to witness the Northern Lights in my own backyard also filled me with awe and wonder at our magnificent planet and cosmos.  Yes, I am one tired, stressed out lady, but the Lights were dancing regardless, and they made me feel wonderful.

    Northern Lights in the sky
    Northern Lights in the sky

    Sometimes, as the sun rises or sets, it just hits the top of the trees, and makes the dew on them sparkle. I love it when that happens!  The other morning, the sun rose and highlighted the spectacular colors of the leaves, while leaving the ground in darkness.

    Trees with yellow and orange leaves in the morning sun

    Life is tough sometimes, and I don’t always like how I feel.  If you are like me and you are grateful for so much, but also so very tired or any other feeling state, I send you a big hug.  May lots of beautiful inspiration come your way and uplift you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Hard times

    A moss covered path through the woods
    A beautiful, safe and enclosed path through the forest in my backyard

    Things have been tough for me lately.  Over the past few months, I have been learning more about trauma, the major impact it’s had on me, and how it is the root of so much of my struggles.

    I have been at low points in my life, but none have felt quite so low as what I felt a few weeks ago.  In an attempt to process and understand my feelings, I wrote these words:

    I am here, learning anew how to hold space for my most vulnerable, broken, victimized and traumatized parts.

    I am here, learning to hold deeper and more compassionate space for the parts of me who have been dragged through life, so terrified of the wounds being created and the deep hurt and fear that stays behind.

    I am here, picking myself up, untying the knots that have kept me bound and frozen, unable to stand and claim my safety.

    I am here, learning to become the safety and presence I have so deeply needed and desired.

    I am here, feeling broken and exhausted, but hopeful for my emergence as all I have ever needed.

    I am here, breathing and smiling, it feels lovely to even dream of finally starting to feel more safe, held and supported, within and outside of me.

    I am here, writing this to show myself how much I matter.

    I am here.

    A lot of my writing has the words, “I am here.”  I think that is because no matter how hard things may be, at least I can still be here with myself.  When I was younger, I didn’t know how to do that, and I spent quite a bit of time numb and disassociated from my experience.

    Learning how to be present through my feelings is a very positive and courageous change, even though it’s uncomfortable and I’d sometimes rather run away.  Instead, I am writing, putting my hand on my heart and saying nice things to myself, and getting support.  No matter what you are going through, I hope you have all the support within and around you to ease your struggles.

    I will end this post by sharing another photo from the forest on the land where I live.  May it soothe your soul.  With so much kindness and care, thanks for reading!

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Reconnecting to myself

    A bright orange sky with deep blue.
    Photo by NO NAME on Pexels.com

    Sometimes I hear my voice inside me and it’s loud and clear.

    Other times it’s like there is so much noise from the world that is making it harder to know who I am and where I stand.

    Today, I went for a walk in the woods and I heard the noise. I felt the worries. I wondered where I had gone to in the crowded space of my being. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, just continuing onwards despite missing myself and wondering where I was.

    I really didn’t like that feeling, so I choked on a sob and spoke nicely to myself.

    I said, hey, whether all of this belongs to me or the world, I love you.

    No matter how overwhelmed, shattered, broken, scattered, afraid and numb you feel, I am with you.

    I thought of how complicated life can be, as well as how miraculous it can be, and I decided to care for myself no matter how I was experiencing it today. I remember saying something like, hey, whether you see the world from a glass half full or half empty perspective, I love you and you super matter to me.

    It seemed to simplify everything and made me feel calmer. Writing about my experiences and how full life is lately is really helpful too. It’s easy to think that everyone else has it good, and by writing, I aim to make others feel less alone in feeling things deeply. It also helps me feel less alone too, because I get to shine the light of my attention on my fears, worries and overwhelm.

    Where do you need some light today?

    If it’s for your heart, I send you much comfort, love, security, protection, caring and love.

    If it’s for your mind, I send you deep breaths, smiles, quiet, peace and serenity.

    If it’s for your body, I send you much balance, healing, nourishment and rejuvenation.

    If it’s for your spirit, I send you big high fives, because no matter what, you are rocking it, even if all you want to do is curl up in a ball. You’re here. You matter. I am cheering you on and smiling with you and for you.

    With every breath you take for the rest of today and the rest of your days, may you know how special you are and that you matter, even if you are having a hard time or life just isn’t going your way.

    I honour you and wish you super well.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved.

    ps. I used AI to generate the two images below. I’ve never done that before! The first one is my favorite and really represents what I wanted to convey to you, from my heart to yours.

    A solid red heart with angel wings.
    A pink sparkling heart with rainbow lights inside it.

  • Helping others and myself

    The bottom arc of a rainbow
    A beautiful rainbow in front of my place this past spring

    I really like helping others.  I also really like helping myself and giving myself care, compassion, and gentleness. 

    Life has felt hard lately, probably because it has been really tough.  When times are like that, I feel myself rising to the challenge and other times, I feel myself getting smaller and in need of time to myself to rest, recharge and to feel sorry for myself.

    I am sharing this because I am still learning how best to take care of myself when times are tough.  Sometimes I nail self-care and I can balance everything and other times, I want to curl up in bed and let someone else be responsible for everything, including taking care of me.  Does that make me any less worthy?  Or does that just mean that I am tired, and in need of love, care and some support?

    I think it’s the latter, but sometimes I still blame myself or catch myself wishing I could be stronger.  I have a big heart, and I am astounded at the depth of compassion and care I give others and myself.  So when times are tough, I do my best to remember how special and caring I am, and to speak gently to the parts of me who are crying out to be held, spoken gently to and, most importantly, witnessed.  There is tremendous power in being a witness to myself in my darkest moments, and in being a witness for others.

    Being a witness means being there, not running away from difficult, painful or heart breaking feelings.  It means holding yourself (or someone else) literally or figuratively, with your arms or your presence, and giving assurance with that presence.  I am with you.  I see you.  I hear you.  I feel your pain and I am with you anyway.  I am getting teary just writing that, because isn’t that what we all want to hear, on one level or another.

    And so, in honour of all of my hurting parts and any of yours, I share the following:

    I am with you.

    I see you.

    I love you.

    You are not alone through this.

    Breathe deep my love, this will pass.

    I honour and celebrate you.

    You are so special.

    No matter what, I am with you.

    If you don’t say these things to yourself or to someone else, it doesn’t mean that you are abandoning anyone.  These are more meant as helpful things you can try whispering to your own heart to see how they feel.  Or you can try telling someone that you honour them as they navigate a difficult time in their life instead of just trying to get them to move on. 

    At our core as humans, I feel that this is what we need. To be witnessed.  Not to be fixed or changed, just witnessed.

    Helping myself and others makes me feel good.  It makes me feel like I am showing up for my life in deep, empowering and respectful ways. It makes me feel like I can heal my pain and trauma in gentle, loving ways, and like I can help others do the same.  Writing this reminds me to notice how I am doing and to be kind to myself, especially lately.

    I hope this post soothes any wounds you are feeling deeply.  I also hope it makes your heart feel lighter.  One step at a time.  One kind word to yourself at a time.  We’ve got this.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💖

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Overwhelmed by my own needs

    A deep cavern with red walls.
    Sometimes meeting my needs feels like an impossible task, like trying to climb out of this cavern

    Yesterday I heard the title of this post inside of me, and I silently agreed with it.  It is a sad thing to be overwhelmed by my own needs, so I did the following things:

    • I gave myself some comfort and sat with that overwhelm.
    • I realized I was grateful to even be aware of my needs, even though they change and sometimes feel unmeetable.
    • I told myself that I am doing a great job doing my best and that maybe it was okay not to meet all of my needs. 

    It felt great to take some pressure off of myself and to settle more deeply into being me, just as I am. 

    I wondered if others struggle with this and how they may cope with their needs.  Sometimes I think I just need to pause more and take some deep, caring breaths for myself to shift my perspective and other times I feel like I need a week of being by myself so I can rest, reset and recharge.  The first suggestion is much easier to implement as is taking the step to actually write out my needs.  My guess is that they will seem much more reasonable if I write them out.  Also, not comparing my needs to the needs of others would help, especially since they aren’t me.

    I am very blessed to be a gentle, delicate, and sensitive person who also has strong and powerful parts.  I am grateful that I am so in tune with my body and that I keep learning from it’s cues.  I am also so grateful to have supportive family and friends, and a new helpful therapist.  Working through this book is also helping me better understand myself and my needs too: https://www.selfloverainbow.com/the-self-love-rainbow-workbook-is-here/

    I think that having needs makes me human.  My needs are uniquely my own.  My needs have taught me to show greater compassion and empathy to those who have similar needs and struggles.  My needs have also made me a powerful advocate and supporter for those who need accommodations to meet their needs (or more aptly put, to remove barriers) in the workplace.

    So no matter what your needs are, may you know them, be inspired about how to meet them, and may you know you are no less of a person for having needs.  In fact, I think needs are fabulous, whether they overwhelm me or not from day to day.  So whether you have chronic fatigue syndrome, post concussion symptoms, anxiety and trauma like me, or your own circumstances, may you know and understand your needs and may you celebrate every small step you take to meeting those needs.

    Baby birds in a knot of wood in a barn
    These are tiny baby birds who had just come out of their nest in a deeper hole in the wood.  They had lots of needs and they were so cute, and so are we, even with our needs.

  • Reaching across

    A rocky, grass covered canyon


    I am reaching

    Reaching across my inner divide
    To the one who feels so unsafe and so unloved
    But I see I have been reaching in the wrong direction

    I have been doing so much to control my environment to keep myself safe
    And I have been talking nicely and kindly to myself
    But in this moment, I see how it’s almost like I was aiming at the wrong target.
    Or maybe not, maybe the target has moved and the cry of my innocence has finally reached my awareness.

    Oh my dearest innocence, I love you.
    I am so exhausted trying to reach across this chasm within me to protect you.  I must be going about this in all the wrong ways.  I have been trying to get self-love and self care ‘right’ lately, and I am utterly spent, and I feel no closer to loving and honouring you.

    Maybe I will sit here, within myself and just listen, be present and stop trying.  Just sit.  Just be.  Just listen.  Just stop.

    Note: I have had a difficult time the last several weeks.  I wrote this on one of my tough days, and I love it.  I love how tired I was of trying to make myself feel good, safe and loved, and how that led me to just be with myself.  I have a fixer/manager/protector part of myself, which I super respect, but what I needed in this instance was to hold space for myself. Not to fix, manage or protect but to be with myself.  I wish you so much love as you navigate any tough days or weeks or months or years.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Sometimes

    Artwork of brown sand moving to blue ocean.

    It is okay to slow down.

    It is okay to rest.

    It is okay not to compare oneself to others.

    It is okay (and a good idea) to smile when feeling down.

    It is okay to need help, to eat what doesn’t make you feel the best, and to laugh at the irony of life.

    Sometimes, we just can’t keep up anymore and we need to laugh at how hard we’ve been trying without even understanding why we’ve needed to.

    This is me today.  I am feeling quite physically exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome but somehow much lighter emotionally. 

    Sometimes when I am this tired, I get more anxious and teary.  That was how I felt yesterday, whereas today has started with some smiles, some self-validation and some light heartedness.

    Sometimes I just do the best I can and other times, I stop trying and relax more into myself, exactly as I am, and that brings me peace.  I also made a wise choice to start my day with a super healing meditation for trauma.

    No matter how you are feeling, even if you feel you are making all the wrong choices (I know that feeling!), I support and honour you.  There is definitely no one right way to live a life, so may you find little or big ways to celebrate and cheer yourself on as you live your unique experience.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Deeper

    A photo taken from under the surface of the ocean, with the sun shining through.

    Deeper – A self-care poem


    Sometimes I catch myself trying to accomplish something when I’m feeling
    lost
    sad
    confused or
    overwhelmed.

    Most of the time, the temporary high I get from accomplishing something is very fleeting and
    leads me to want to accomplish something else.

    I honestly had no idea that I was running away from myself when I was doing this
    but now it seems very clear.

    Sometimes accomplishing something gives me a fresh perspective and a chance to feel
    empowered so I can better nurture and honour myself.
    But other times, I’ve been leaving myself behind.

    As I’m writing this, I’m practicing not judging myself, and even loving the one within me who is judging
    and the one who feels judged.  I am growing and evolving and I really can’t know everything all at once.

    And so, here’s to me.  The one who has tried so hard to “manage” these difficult feelings and the one who has been feeling lost, sad, confused or overwhelmed and has had to accompany me
    in pursuit of accomplishment over self-nurturing behaviors.

    No matter where you are in your self-love and self-care experience of life,
    may you be inspired for how best to love and care for your sweetie self and to be kind to yourself when you realize how you can be doing better going forward.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved