Reaching across my inner divide To the one who feels so unsafe and so unloved But I see I have been reaching in the wrong direction
I have been doing so much to control my environment to keep myself safe And I have been talking nicely and kindly to myself But in this moment, I see how it’s almost like I was aiming at the wrong target. Or maybe not, maybe the target has moved and the cry of my innocence has finally reached my awareness.
Oh my dearest innocence, I love you. I am so exhausted trying to reach across this chasm within me to protect you. I must be going about this in all the wrong ways. I have been trying to get self-love and self care ‘right’ lately, and I am utterly spent, and I feel no closer to loving and honouring you.
Maybe I will sit here, within myself and just listen, be present and stop trying. Just sit. Just be. Just listen. Just stop.
Note: I have had a difficult time the last several weeks. I wrote this on one of my tough days, and I love it. I love how tired I was of trying to make myself feel good, safe and loved, and how that led me to just be with myself. I have a fixer/manager/protector part of myself, which I super respect, but what I needed in this instance was to hold space for myself. Not to fix, manage or protect but to be with myself. I wish you so much love as you navigate any tough days or weeks or months or years.
It is okay (and a good idea) to smile when feeling down.
It is okay to need help, to eat what doesn’t make you feel the best, and to laugh at the irony of life.
Sometimes, we just can’t keep up anymore and we need to laugh at how hard we’ve been trying without even understanding why we’ve needed to.
This is me today. I am feeling quite physically exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome but somehow much lighter emotionally.
Sometimes when I am this tired, I get more anxious and teary. That was how I felt yesterday, whereas today has started with some smiles, some self-validation and some light heartedness.
Sometimes I just do the best I can and other times, I stop trying and relax more into myself, exactly as I am, and that brings me peace. I also made a wise choice to start my day with a super healing meditation for trauma.
No matter how you are feeling, even if you feel you are making all the wrong choices (I know that feeling!), I support and honour you. There is definitely no one right way to live a life, so may you find little or big ways to celebrate and cheer yourself on as you live your unique experience.
Sometimes I catch myself trying to accomplish something when I’m feeling lost sad confused or overwhelmed.
Most of the time, the temporary high I get from accomplishing something is very fleeting and leads me to want to accomplish something else.
I honestly had no idea that I was running away from myself when I was doing this but now it seems very clear.
Sometimes accomplishing something gives me a fresh perspective and a chance to feel empowered so I can better nurture and honour myself. But other times, I’ve been leaving myself behind.
As I’m writing this, I’m practicing not judging myself, and even loving the one within me who is judging and the one who feels judged. I am growing and evolving and I really can’t know everything all at once.
And so, here’s to me. The one who has tried so hard to “manage” these difficult feelings and the one who has been feeling lost, sad, confused or overwhelmed and has had to accompany me in pursuit of accomplishment over self-nurturing behaviors.
No matter where you are in your self-love and self-care experience of life, may you be inspired for how best to love and care for your sweetie self and to be kind to yourself when you realize how you can be doing better going forward.
Sometimes, when I write, the wisest and steadiest parts of me have something to share And it uplifts and inspires me.
Other times, the most traumatized and fractured parts of me Have something to say And it’s painful Difficult And hard But what they share is no less wise. In fact, those feelings help me learn how to more deeply love myself And hold space for myself. Hmm, I don’t think I had recognized it like that before.
Today, I feel them both And I am writing and creating space for them both to be here. To share with me. To enlighten me. And to communicate their needs and wisdom.
And somehow, even though I’m just typing, I feel better. I feel like I’m being with myself instead of distracting or abandoning myself through busyness.
I’m smiling because I’ve finally realized that my traumatized parts are no less wise. They are incredibly precious and beautiful And they teach me how to care for and nurture the parts of me that have fractured off as a way to survive. How truly inspiring. I had it all backwards.
I’ve been learning a lot about trauma in the past six weeks and it is helping me make sense Of all that I’ve been feeling and experiencing in my life, Especially in the last 10 years. I’m so grateful for what I’m learning as it’s helping me to heal and reunite with myself more deeply.
Thank you to all of me, you are all my teachers and I love you.
This dance of pain, exhaustion, joy and love Is so so beautiful
How could I trade the way I am and the ways I experience life When it leads to such depth of feeling?
The love I feel in my heart for humanity this morning is so precious So all encompassing, pure and full of tenderness And yet the exhaustion I feel is so painful, difficult and heart wrenching
All of it is so beautiful
Only because of the depth of my experiences can there be such beauty Such connection with my cells that I feel their fatigue and exhaustion Such openness to and awareness of the love that I am, that we all are
Smile dear one, everything is just as it needs to be You don’t need to change or fix yourself or others Breathe deeply
And again
And again
There you go. Put your hand on your heart.
You are so loved and you are love, no matter how messy, painful, difficult or impossible life is.
No more comparing to others, no more self-blame, judgement or hate.
You are so so so beautiful, just as you are.
A note from me: whether you’re struggling with chronic fatigue syndrome like me, or any other mental or physical health challenges, I see you. May this poem uplift and validate you, and may you be blessed with so much love.
I chose a photo of a double rainbow from a few weeks ago for this post. It is miraculous and spectacular but it is against a cloudy sky. That same contrast is what helps us feel the highs of life, and the lows. Without the cloudy sky, I may not have noticed that there were two rainbows outside instead of two. May you receive be aware of and receive the gifts in all of your highs and lows.
Two seemingly opposing feelings, and yet, I have felt them both most of the week.
I wonder if that is how a birch tree feels? It is always growing, yet shedding its bark.
A beautiful golden birch from the back of our quiet, majestic forest
I learn a lot from nature. It is always teaching me how to relate to myself more kindly and how to interpret and understand my emotions and experiences.
This week, I witnessed a rare total solar eclipse and it was breathtaking. I felt all tingly and warm in my body and I felt my soul being held, nurtured and inspired during the 2 minutes of totality. And yet, afterwards, especially the next day, I felt more delicate, disappointed and angry. While those emotions were arising, I was also rejoicing in the total beauty and awesomeness that I felt from the totality. It was like I was being opened up to release some hurt while also celebrating the gorgeousness of what I witnessed.
This theme continued throughout the week. For example, I was grieving the loss of innocence I experienced as a result of traumatic events in my life, and yet, somehow, I was also celebrating my awareness of the impacts of those tough times, which lessened my inner load and helped me feel more free and empowered.
Also, yesterday I had the honour of volunteering at and attending a local youth musical theatre production of The Little Mermaid that my teen and 28 other super talented youth performed. I was filled with joy and awe as I listened as a young actress sang as Ariel. Her voice was so heavenly, I literally felt like I was being blessed and filled with love as she sang. It was truly incredible. I was rejoicing in the abundance of talent, dedication, and overall fabulousness of everyone involved.
This morning, I am still revelling and rejoicing but also mourning. I remember when I was younger and I played so many sports and participated in so many activities. Having chronic fatigue syndrome gives me many opportunities to rejoice in the healthy and wise choices I make to take care of myself. Conversely, I also mourn the loss of energy I used to have. I volunteered yesterday and it was so much fun, but it’s not something I can do often because of my limited energy reserves. Mourning what I miss out on feels healthy, despite it being sad that I can’t, especially with my big, caring heart, do or help as much as I’d like.
I learned this week that rejoicing and mourning are not mutually exclusive. What a beautiful gift this week has given me. I can celebrate the majesty of nature and the tremendous, heavenly gifts of the youth in my community, all while grieving my past and present, and celebrating all the healthy decisions I make to care for myself.
May you be blessed with so much gentleness as you experience all the richness and depth that life has to offer.
Big hugs, Bradlee
A collection of photos from one of my walks in the forest this week. The forest looks different with each passing day of spring, just as I keep growing, shedding the old, and blossoming anew.
I know disappointment is a part of life. I know that others will disappoint me And I will disappoint them. It doesn’t make it any easier when I’m feeling disappointed though.
So here I am. Disappointed and writing about it. Writing about it helps me to be with my disappointment. To keep it company and to let it know That it is completely valid and allowed to be here. It also allows me to acknowledge that I am a human, And those who have brought on these feelings are human too.
And with that, the sting of the disappointment lessens. We all do what we can and if it creates disappointment for us or others Then, maybe that’s okay. Maybe what’s really needed is to learn how to be with these uncomfortable feelings, With the “what if,” or “maybe this is why,” and the “only ifs.”
To all of those who I have hurt, shamed, disappointed or angered, I am truly sorry. For you, and for me, I will sit with this disappointment and hold myself. I will honour my feelings and know that a caring smile directed towards my heart can help. A deep breath into my belly can help. Writing can help. And so can keeping myself company and loving each emotion as it arises.
I have become more aware of the emotional wounds I have lately. Over the last several years, I have often felt very heavy, tired and weighed down. It’s like I am carrying a heavy load that is made up of all the past hurts and traumatic events in my life. Some days, I don’t even notice the weight and other times I am so very aware of the load I am carrying and it feels like a tremendous burden.
In the past, I wanted to ignore or push away that burden. I wanted nothing to do with it and I did everything I could to try to “magic” it away through various healing modalities. Here I am, several years later, and I am much older, wiser and kinder to myself, but I am still carrying this emotional weight.
This afternoon on a walk, it came to me that it is okay to carry this burden. It is a very valid burden to carry. It represents my pain and trauma, and those of my ancestors. I am carrying it for all of us, and I will continue to carry it, hold it and witness what it has to share for as long as is necessary. This emotional burden is no different than having an injured knee, hip or shoulder. You can’t see me physically limping or adjusting how I hold a physical burden, but I am carrying it nonetheless.
And maybe it isn’t actually a burden? Maybe the fact that I am aware of these emotional wounds and weight automatically converts it from something that is a burden to carry to something I can be honoured to carry for myself, for my family and for those who came before me? Maybe in my family, we’ve been carrying it for a long time and I will have the opportunity to break any cycles of abuse, neglect, hurt and harm, but not before carrying it, understanding it, nurturing it and thanking it.
Those are a lot of maybes, but they feel like good maybes. Maybe today is the day where I see things differently, from a burden to an honour, and from that place, only good can come? Just this week, I started seeing a therapist to better understand trauma, intergenerational trauma, the effect trauma has on our brains and bodies, and to learn how I can better nurture myself. I am excited, scared, nervous and ready. Maybe this post reflects all of those feelings?
No matter where you are in your journey of tending to and caring for your emotional wounds and burdens, I send you many blessings of care, respect, peace and deep, deep healing. May your heart be light and may you be well.
Last week, I wrote a post that had me full of inspiration. I was feeling like I had been in a metaphorical block of ice and I was enjoying the process of melting. I was feeling free, energized and whole, and it was glorious.
But, the melting didn’t stop there. Instead, I started feeling more numb, frozen and fragile. I realized that there was still more metaphorical melting that hadn’t happened yet. Instead, I was feeling what was still frozen under the surface layer of ice.
It’s fascinating trying to explain what my inner life is like. I am very sensitive and self-aware, and sometimes, it can be very overwhelming, including this time around.
So, I went for a walk in the woods and cried. I walked some more and cried more. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to hold space for these frozen states of my beingness. And so, I admitted that to myself and asked for guidance about how I could help myself.
After the walk, I found myself inspired to do some outdoor chores and move my body around a lot. I did that yesterday too. This morning the feelings got more intense, like they were amplifying, and I felt myself wanting to keep busy so I could distract myself. Luckily, I noticed and sat with my discomfort and talked to my lovely husband about it. All of that helped.
Under the ice, there was more that needed my care and attention. I needed to witness those feelings and be with them as they thawed from that frozen place. I don’t expect this to be the last time I will do this for myself, and I imagine it will feel and be different every time.
This week taught me to be more compassionate, gentle and patient with myself, even though all I wanted was to run away from myself. The spring equinox has passed and it has guided me through my own spring equinox.
May this post help all readers who are in need of some self-compassion to turn within and be a witness to their vulnerability.
This morning when I woke up, I thought of melting.
I had an image in my mind of me being in an ice block and how I have been thawing out and melting away those layers of hardness and rigidity that I was aware of but couldn’t just push or wish away. It appears I needed to deeply feel my pain and the resulting rigidity, and I needed time to process, rest and heal.
Sometimes in the spring, as everything thaws, I feel very exposed and vulnerable. This makes sense, as I have been going through a lot of emotional healing and turmoil. So when I woke up and saw that imagery in my mind of melting ice, I felt great. It made me feel like I have survived a very delicate and difficult time in my life and that I am emerging from a frozen and in process-type of state.
As with all feelings, I tend to think it’s going to last forever. Like when I was so sick a few weeks ago, I was sure I was never going to get better. And today, I feel reborn and renewed, and I want this feeling to last forever. I honour that desire, as who wouldn’t want to feel great more often than not?!
I believe that’s where I am learning to cultivate more compassion for myself. Compassion for the one who wants constancy, and good health. For the one who loves feeling empowered over broken down yet again. For the one who wants to pre-select aspects of my human experience, as opposed to being open to experiencing it all, no matter if it’s what I would choose or not.
Wherever you are in your human experience, I honour you, no matter if you’re feeling broken down or uplifted. I have found new courage and trust in life and in myself this morning, after many years of feeling super delicate, broken and deeply sad. Maybe the glory of what I am feeling today is in direct proportion to the depth of the pain and difficulty I have experienced? I don’t really know, but I hope my sharing helps you feel seen, witnessed and cared for, no matter what your inner and outer circumstances of life are.
PhD in Being Me 