PhD in Being Me

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

  • Being nourished by my own voice

    An art collage I made early in the new year

    It’s been several months since I have written on my blog.  I’ve been having a tough time and have needed (and continue to need) deep quiet time.

    Just this week, I remembered how nourishing it is for me to read my own words.  I was feeling the nudge to write again, which I haven’t felt for some time.

    Writing gives me a chance to spend time with myself, open up wellsprings of thoughts and feelings, and feel myself healing as I let the words flow from and through me.

    I sometimes start writing with a topic in mind and other times, I can feel some pressure or tension that is seeking liberation, and writing often soothes those feelings.

    Over the last 10 years, I’ve been learning about loving myself and being compassionate with myself.  It’s been incredibly rewarding to make changes in my life towards greater self-love and self-compassion.  Recently though, I discovered how hard I was still being on myself and how judgemental I was being. 

    I have struggled with my physical and mental health for most of my life.  I would describe myself as being at rock bottom this year.  And yet, it’s taken being here, at the bottom, to truly see how deep-rooted my self-judgement has been. 

    I have been doing a lot of work in therapy, including art therapy, and its really teaching me how to become an even safer space for myself.  To acknowledge what I have survived, what I learned as a result, and to have compassion for the scars and the pain I have. 

    Late last week, I started feeling like a failure because I haven’t “cured” myself of my debilitating chronic fatigue syndrome.  I’ve had this thought over and over for years.  Through what I learned in art therapy, I finally saw how judgemental that was of me and I chose to give myself more compassion instead.  It’s been a nice change.

    I know there is a long road ahead for me that requires patience, compassion, rest, love and time.  I am finally starting to feel worthy of giving myself all of that and knowing that my life matters even through this time of rock bottom.

    And so I write.  I create art.  I breathe.  I cry.  I rest.  I hear the whispers of my heart and the forest as they guide me.  I complete my disability paperwork and feel all the tough feelings.  I laugh.  I garden.  I sit.  I mourn.  I decompose and wait to see what grows. 

    Thanks for reading ♥️.

    Bright pink lillies

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Delicate

    A bird sitting on a branch during a snowstorm

    Feeling like I am on thin ice

    Unsure which move I can safely make

    Will the decision I make leave me drained, emotionally and physically

    Or will it fill up my heart’s cup enough to offset the fatigue that will surely come?

    This delicate balancing act of trying to conserve my limited energy while still making sure I feel good with the life I am living despite my disability

    Is tiring

    It’s delicate

    It’s wearing me down

    Now that I have stopped and given myself permission to be exactly where I am, the true depth, delicacy and precariousness of my health is more evident

    I keep going because to stop would be worse.  Completing chores, walking, doing mild exercises, running errands, talking to friends, family and neighbors, crafting, reading.  Those are all things I use my energy for.  It makes me so sad that sometimes just going for a walk is too much, or that spending time with friends makes me feel so good, but then I feel so much worse the next day.

    Like I said, it’s delicate. 

    I have been learning that there is true power in being vulnerable and owning my life from the inside out, even if I’d rather not have chronic fatigue syndrome.  And so I write and I share and I hope that my words help you feel seen and validated.

    No matter what you are balancing, and how delicate it is, you are worthy of being seen, acknowledged, appreciated and respected, exactly as you are.  With every breath we take, may we anchor blessings for a more inclusive, accepting and respectful world.

    With hugs, Bradlee 

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • The potato turning point

    Potatoes of all shapes and sizes

    I have a beautiful life.  I have the best family, a safe and cozy home, wonderful friends, and many other incredible blessings.

    At the same time, I am exhausted. I am also mentally exhausted from having chronic fatigue syndrome for several years and from trying to make it all work with such limited energy.

    I have done so much to help myself.  I am always open to healing, lessons, and anything that may help me, like therapy, meditation, breath work, time in nature, art therapy, diets, learning about trauma, etc.  But sometimes, life is like, “How about you cry over potatoes as your next greatest lesson and turning point?”

    This past weekend, there were no cooked potatoes left in the fridge.  I am eating on the Whole30 to help keep inflammation down in my body, and I eat potatoes with most meals.  It was breakfast, I was tired and feeling stressed and there were no potatoes. I felt so sad and so deeply alone.  On the face of it, this makes no sense, but it is the truth.  I was so tired, there were no potatoes, and as a result, I felt so sad and lonely. 

    I was peeling potatoes and cutting them and my lovely husband came in the kitchen and I started crying.  I told him how I was feeling, how tired I was and he helped me cook them.  Being so tired that cooking seems like an impossible task makes me feel sad, but that day, it was my reality.  I am quite strong (and a bit scared to appear weak), so sometimes I just keep going instead of asking for help.  The potatoes were my turning point.  They forced me to share my feelings, be vulnerable, and ask for help.

    A week later, I feel better.  My kid is now in charge of potato cooking, and my husband is going to pick up some groceries on his way hone from work when needed.  It was never really about potatoes, but that humble root vegetable helped me feel more seen and validated as I shared my feelings.

    May the little opportunities to make life better and to create connection over isolation and loneliness be abundant in your life.

    With care and hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • What If?

    A cold, snowy, winter scene.

    What if?

    I asked myself that question this morning.  What if it’s okay to struggle?  What if it’s okay to have chronic fatigue syndrome that can be deeply debilitating?  What if it’s okay that I have been having a hard time these last several years?

    After all, what am I other than a human being, living this specific life?

    This life that is so full of beauty, amazing people, a safe and cozy home in the country, and so much more goodness? A life that has also made me cry from pure exhaustion so many times and has left me feeling completely broken?

    I am feeling open to the possibility this morning that this is exactly what life is.  What if it’s always meant to be exactly like this, despite all my efforts (some not always so kind to myself) to make things “better?” and to rise above it?

    What if there is nothing to rise above?  What if all this time, by trying to manage things and make things better, I have actually been missing what life truly is? Have I been missing the point?  To live my life? Just as I am, and just as it is?  Hmmm.

    I have been learning more about trauma and how I have worked so hard to keep myself and my family safe.  This is helping me be kinder to myself and to understand how and why being vulnerable and human has been difficult for me. 

    This morning, I am questioning more deeply and am wondering…what if this is it? What if the beauty and the pain, all mixed together, is exactly how life is supposed to be? 

    And I can be here for it, with my tools, supports, laughter, tears, smiles, dogs, friends, family, long walks on good days, and lying down on my really tired days, and finding and making time for enjoyment through it all.

    What if that is possible?  What if that has been the point all along?  To break down the false sense and need for perfection only to embrace life and myself, exactly as we are.  Hmmm, yes, that feels right.

    Wherever you are, however you feel, may you be filled with clarity and insights into your deepest what if questions. 

    Thanks for reading, may you be well, and may you be blessed with so much peace, whether life feels balanced and healthy or shitty and unfair.

    Hugs, Bradlee ♥️

    Ps here are 4 photos of me using fun filters to make you smile.

    A headshot of Bradlee in 4 overlapping polaroids
    Bradlee with a leopard hair band, sunglasses and artificially smooth skin
    Bradlee with a fake mustache, detective hat and trench coat
    Bradlee with a beard and fake spiky hair.

  • Changing Expectations

    Wood art with the words, "you are special, loved, adored."

    Well, it’s nearly the end of 2024, and I have  deep thoughts to share as the year comes to a close.

    I grew up at a time where success in life looked a certain way, and I recently realized how much I was holding myself to those societal expectations.

    As a person with a disability, I have been blaming and shaming myself for not being able to get over my chronic fatigue syndrome and for not being able to heal it no matter how hard I have tried. 

    It’s only after resting a lot these past few months that I can truly feel the depth of the fatigue I have with this condition. It’s as much a part of my whole being as any other part of me.  I honestly thought I was less of a person because of this condition, and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

    I have written posts in the past about how chronic fatigue has taught me to be more accepting and compassionate with myself.  And that is completely true, but I have reached a new depth of acceptance these last few weeks. 

    I feel like I can stop fighting now.  I can stop trying to be perfect, I can stop pretending that I can keep going while my health fails, and I can just stop, breathe, and be me, exactly as I am.

    It is a relief to stop fighting and I am hoping that I will continue to relax into this new state of being.  I can only imagine how healing that will be for me ❤️.

    During my reflections, I have realized that every life has value, no matter how the person living it experiences it.  Each way that we are different from each other is important and valid. 

    No more trying to fit humanity into tiny boxes, but instead, learning from each other and honouring the uniqueness of our individual experiences

    That is the new way that my heart is seeing the true measure of success in life.  Am I able to honour where I am at, with kindness and compassion?  And can I treat all people that way?  Wow, that would be a powerful way to live.

    And so, as we transition to 2025, I honour you, dearest reader.  Thank you for taking the time out of your precious life to read my reflections on getting a PhD in Being Me.

    Lastly, I created the piece of art above to remind myself that I am special, loved, and adored.  May you fill up with the message, too, and may you know just how precious and lovely you are, no matter the circumstances of your life.

    Big hugs, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Reflections

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water.
    The gorgeous sky reflected in the water

    It is easy to not feel good sometimes.  It is easy to amass all kinds of evidence about my shortcomings, failures and deficiencies.  It is much harder, sometimes, to focus on all that is going well and all the good I bring to the world.

    A few weeks ago, I was sitting by the creek where I live, and I was feeling down.  It took me a few minutes to be still within myself, to even notice my surroundings.  I felt how restless I was and decided to look at the water as a way of soothing myself. That was when I noticed how beautiful the sky looked reflected in the water.

    I started looking up and down the creek to see the reflections.

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water
    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water

    No matter where I looked, it was so beautiful, clear and inspiring.  I really started to consider how I could apply that perspective to my life.  Yes, I was feeling down, no doubt about it, but those reflections gave me the courage to acknowledge what was good in my life, all while being kind to myself and respecting how I was feeling.

    And so today, I am here, feeling grateful for my life, and the opportunity I have to notice my feelings and to write about them in this way.  I am grateful that I am learning more about shame, and how worthless I feel sometimes, especially when I think I have failed in some way.  I am grateful to have the word shame to help me understand what I  have felt all these years.  I am grateful for all the resources that are available to me to help me understand and care for myself even better.  I am grateful for my breath and my body for helping me be more grounded when I am feeling unsafe or unworthy.  I am grateful for the chance to smile at someone so we can share our humanity and connect, even just in passing.  I am grateful for nature for inspiring me to have more compassion for myself.

    When you look in the mirror today, may it reflect all the goodness you have within you so clearly. When you breath in and out today, may you feel safe, grounded and wholly accepted by yourself. When you think today, may your thoughts be filled with so much love and compassion for yourself.

    Life can be tricky, hard, and unfair, and to balance that out a bit, may we all see reflections of our goodness, worthiness, and love everywhere we look.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • A pause

    A tree with orange leaves on the ground all around it, with mist in the background
    A quiet place among the leaves and mist

    The older I have gotten (I am 44), the more I am giving myself permission to pause.  A pause can mean many things, including:

    • Taking a breath before I respond to a person or a situation
    • Deciding that I will get back to a person instead of answering them right away
    • Prioritizing taking care of myself, even if just for a short while, before working through the items on my to do list.

    Am I an expert at pausing?  Sometimes, and sometimes I rush and feel so much pressure that a pause is the last thing I think about. 

    Learning about me from my experiences is the point of working towards a PhD in Being Me.  I am at the school of me, learning every day about how best to take care of myself and honour myself as I live my life.  And to do this with as much kindness, grace, care and love I can possibly give myself, including giving myself a big or little pause when I need it.

    I have had a very narrow window of tolerance for the last several months as I was very stressed out by my life’s circumstances.  I have included a pdf for those new to the window of tolerance concept or how trauma can influence your window of tolerance (I hope it works!)

    Window of ToleranceDownload

    As I take better care of myself, my window of tolerance is increasing.  With that increase, it is getting easier to notice when a pause would benefit me.

    For example, I was annoyed by my dog’s behavior the other day, and I realized that I had other choices than getting really angry or crying.  Just that realization alone was the pause I needed to access more choices within me.  It was like I saw the overwhelmed and tired parts of myself and honoured them with that pause that allowed me to choose how to respond better. 

    Being off work has allowed me to see how much I was just holding on and coping every day, instead of living and thriving.  I know many of us can relate to those words.  If you can, I send you many big hugs, it sure is tough.  No matter where you are in your life, whether you are thriving or just holding on, may there be many more golden pauses available to you, and lots of love, kindness and peace too. 

    With lots of care 💕, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Witnessing myself

    Early morning on a misty road
    A misty morning

    Sometimes I feel lonely.

    Sometimes I feel like I wish I could be seen more deeply and completely.

    Sometimes I feel so tired it’s hard to do much.

    Sometimes I feel like my being is surrounded by mist and I need the sun to rise more to transform it.

    Today feels joyous and celebratory, but heavy with a deep mist that has permeated my being.  It’s amazing how I can feel all of that at once.  Isn’t being a human amazing, miraculous, hard and wild?

    I have decided to start writing more.  When I write, I witness myself, and the heavy mists lessen, like I am my own sunshine, rising up within me, bringing light, new possibilities and strength to myself, just like our sun does for us and our planet.

    As I write this, I can already feel the lightness spreading, reminding me of how okay I am, even when my heart needs extra hugs, and especially when my hurts arise and need me to give myself more love, compassion and support.

    And so, I smile, I write, and I unite within me with every word I type.

    A campfire with low flames
    A slow burn campfire

    Last week, I had a campfire with and for myself.  It started out really blazing, and I decided to take a photo when it was at its slow burn point.  I was really struck by the white logs and the small flames dancing between the logs.  It served as a metaphor for my healing journey.  Every day and year, I grow and heal, not in a bonfire way, but in a slow burn way that allows me to feel, process, integrate and heal.

    Do I ever wish I could just hurry it up and be better faster?  YES!  Definitely. But, I know these wounds have been here for a long time, including from generations past, and I am learning to breathe, to be, to honour my wounded parts, and to hold space for them to heal and integrate fully into my beingness.

    And so I breathe, smile, write and relax.  May this post make you feel seen, witnessed and honoured in all the ways that you need.

    I will sign off wishing you all my best, lots of care, and many opportunities to know and feel how special you are.

    Big hugs,

    Bradlee, and Maggie and Archie, respectively, as seen below

    Me and Maggie, my dog, who has golden red fur with a white face
    Maggie and me
    Me and my dog, Archie, who has golden red fur with a white nose
    Archie and me

  • Inspiration

    Northern Lights in the sky
    The Northern Lights in my backyard

    I find it important lately to find inspiration from all possible sources.  I have been worn down by circumstances in my life, and I have felt how dysregulated my nervous system is and how truly exhausted I have been in all aspects of my being.

    I have taken several months off work to take better care of myself and my family as we navigate these challenges, and it feels amazing.  I am noticing just how tired, anxious and overstimulated I am, and I am paying attention.  It is a true gift to have this time to feel, notice and take care of myself and our family.

    I have been off work for a month, and I am really noticing what a boost I get from inspiring events and things.  For example, I went to my gorgeous niece’s beautiful wedding and it was so heart warming and incredible.  Getting an opportunity to celebrate two people in love made me feel amazing.  It really shows on my face in all of our photos (I am the one with the long hair).

    Photo of me dressed up and smiling
    Photo of me and my husband dressed up and smiling

    Getting to witness the Northern Lights in my own backyard also filled me with awe and wonder at our magnificent planet and cosmos.  Yes, I am one tired, stressed out lady, but the Lights were dancing regardless, and they made me feel wonderful.

    Northern Lights in the sky
    Northern Lights in the sky

    Sometimes, as the sun rises or sets, it just hits the top of the trees, and makes the dew on them sparkle. I love it when that happens!  The other morning, the sun rose and highlighted the spectacular colors of the leaves, while leaving the ground in darkness.

    Trees with yellow and orange leaves in the morning sun

    Life is tough sometimes, and I don’t always like how I feel.  If you are like me and you are grateful for so much, but also so very tired or any other feeling state, I send you a big hug.  May lots of beautiful inspiration come your way and uplift you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Hard times

    A moss covered path through the woods
    A beautiful, safe and enclosed path through the forest in my backyard

    Things have been tough for me lately.  Over the past few months, I have been learning more about trauma, the major impact it’s had on me, and how it is the root of so much of my struggles.

    I have been at low points in my life, but none have felt quite so low as what I felt a few weeks ago.  In an attempt to process and understand my feelings, I wrote these words:

    I am here, learning anew how to hold space for my most vulnerable, broken, victimized and traumatized parts.

    I am here, learning to hold deeper and more compassionate space for the parts of me who have been dragged through life, so terrified of the wounds being created and the deep hurt and fear that stays behind.

    I am here, picking myself up, untying the knots that have kept me bound and frozen, unable to stand and claim my safety.

    I am here, learning to become the safety and presence I have so deeply needed and desired.

    I am here, feeling broken and exhausted, but hopeful for my emergence as all I have ever needed.

    I am here, breathing and smiling, it feels lovely to even dream of finally starting to feel more safe, held and supported, within and outside of me.

    I am here, writing this to show myself how much I matter.

    I am here.

    A lot of my writing has the words, “I am here.”  I think that is because no matter how hard things may be, at least I can still be here with myself.  When I was younger, I didn’t know how to do that, and I spent quite a bit of time numb and disassociated from my experience.

    Learning how to be present through my feelings is a very positive and courageous change, even though it’s uncomfortable and I’d sometimes rather run away.  Instead, I am writing, putting my hand on my heart and saying nice things to myself, and getting support.  No matter what you are going through, I hope you have all the support within and around you to ease your struggles.

    I will end this post by sharing another photo from the forest on the land where I live.  May it soothe your soul.  With so much kindness and care, thanks for reading!

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved