Author: Bradlee Zrudlo
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Different isn’t wrong
It is very easy as a sensitive, empathic person to think that I am doing something wrong. It happens usually when someone does something differently than me. It is very sad that I automatically assume that I am doing something wrong. Thankfully, I have been learning to nurture myself so that I can embrace the little me who doubts herself and doesn’t think she’s good enough.
I recently had an experience where I was excited to share something new I tried. One of the responses I received very quickly made me feel like I had done it wrong, even though it had turned out pretty well. The two photos below show how I felt at first (doubting myself, unsure, concerned), and then how I responded a few seconds later (loving and validating myself).
How do you feel when you do something that is different than others? Do you judge yourself? Second guess yourself? Wish you could disappear because you can’t seem to get it right? I am with you. I lived like that for so many years and it is still my default response. Thankfully, I can stop myself, know that I am valid just as I am, and continue on. I still get shaken and I still doubt myself sometimes, but I’m miles from where I once was.
I learned how to love and compliment myself from Matt Kahn. If you haven’t checked him out, I encourage you to. He is so compassionate, caring, wise and loving. I learned that sensitive, empathic people really need to learn to give love to themselves, because they are generally very good at giving it to others. He teaches about giving yourself compliments and acknowledging the good you do each day. I started doing that in 2015 and it has been a very transformative process. It is very easy to berate and judge yourself, but giving yourself a compliment can be hard, but super, super rewarding.
For example, I might say, “You know honey, there are lots of ways to do [insert task]. I loved how you tried something new and it turned out. Maybe you just invented a new way of doing things.” Or I might say, “Things are starting to feel hard this evening. You’ve done so well today, how about you take a rest?” Those are little ways I show up for myself now and it has created a buffer that helps me deal with negativity, judgement or different ways of doing things.
You’re doing great. Even if you feel terrible or things are going terribly, you are still wonderful. You are so worthy of love, compliments, care and attention. I honor you and your uniqueness and you are so much more than your circumstances. No matter what, may you know that you are still valid, even if you do things differently than others. I send you big hugs!
© Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.
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Being here
Introduction
This poem is a follow up to a few of my recent posts (Choosing consciously, and Being while doing) about living more consciously and being aware of my life as I’m living it. This has been one of my goals for several years now and I seem to go through times where this is easy and times when I live in a fog. May this poem inspire you and call to your deepest self so you may be your own best companion and witness. May we all take a moment to love and nurture our hearts, bodies, minds, and souls. Big hugs!!
Being here – a poem
When my feet hit the ground, I want to be there.
When my nose inhales the smell of spring, I want to be there.
When my head turns to better hear and see the birds singing their joyous songs, I want to be there.
When my hand holds my dog’s leash and I am taking her for a walk, I want to be there.
When I look into my child’s eyes and see the beauty of their soul shining out, I want to be there.
When my husband kisses me, I want to be there, in my lips and in my body, to feel his tenderness and his love for me.
When my body aches, I want to be there.
When the sun shines and it soothes my soul, I want to be there to feel it, breathe it in and be nourished by it.
It is so easy to be outside of ourselves. It is so easy to be lost in thoughts, swirling in a maze and whirlwind, right outside of our heads, lost in a vortex that never stops.
I want to feel the vortex and let the majesty, beauty and pain within life pull me back to me. I want to be an active participant in my life. I want to be here no matter what is going on.
I want to be with my teeth as they chew my food.
I want to be with my digestive system as it takes what it needs from the food and lets the rest pass through.
I want to be with my nervous system as I navigate through life, one deep breath at a time.
I want to be with my eyes as they witness both incredible cruelty and magnificent beauty.
I want to be with my ears as they hear songs of love and words of hatred.
I want to be with my body as the desire to dance wells up from my belly and makes me get up.
I want to be here, with myself, with each experience.
Always. Now. Forever.
Being here.
Being there, wherever I am.
©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved
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What about me?
There is this little and sometimes quite loud voice inside me that whispers or yells, “What about me?”
A short video to help explain the concepts in this post. May it help you connect with yourself in helpful ways ♥️ I was listening to a super compassionate meditation on Insight Timer from the Biomedical Institute of Yoga and Meditation and I heard “What about me?” from inside me, quite loudly. For the rest of the day my body hurt and I was completely exhausted. This voice speaks for all the times I felt cast aside, abused, neglected, and forced. It represents so much unprocessed pain about certain aspects of my life. Part of getting a PhD in Being Me is learning to honor and care for yourself when feeling your worst. I felt so terribly, I was feeling more like I was in kindergarten compared to working on a PhD ❤️.
A day later, I still felt that “What about me” presence. It felt heavy, painful and nearly frantic. To be honest, I can understand those feelings. Listening to that beautiful meditation triggered some of my most traumatic memories and helped me to understand how much pain they truly caused. I honor my “What about me” self. It has good reason to whisper and yell, and it is very justified in coming forward to affirm its presence and role in my life.
Here I am, feeling so heavy, so unsure of how to hold myself while I acknowledge and feel the pain and anger and exhaustion this part of me has been carrying by herself. I slow down, take deep breaths and follow what my mind, heart and body are asking me to do. I write this post. I listen to beautiful music by Destined Dynamics. I cry and tell my husband about my fears and hurt. By doing these things, I create more space for this bruised, broken, hurt and victimized part of me.
Going forward, I will hold her and me, until our breath and voices unite and we are together as one. I will look in the mirror and see my pain and my resilience and smile. I will feel the pain inside me. I will rise up because the root has showed me how to pull her out of that infertile garden and plant her in my heart, where I can nurture her with the sunlight and rains of my care and attention. I love you Miss What About Me. You matter and you are worthy. Thank you for revealing yourself to me, please teach me how best to care for you.
If you are working through living with a chronic physical or mental health condition (I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety), or are working through trauma of any kind, I see you and I am with you. You matter and I wish you so much ease, love, gentleness and care. Big hugs.
©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved
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Choosing consciously
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com A note: This poem is a follow up to the post I published the other day about living with presence and bringing more of my care, attention and awareness to life. I have cycled through being more conscious and present in my life and I am coming alive to my life once again. No matter where you are on your journey of mindfulness and presence, I wish you well and may you show yourself compassion. Big hugs!
Choosing consciously – a poem
If I do something and
feel like I don’t have a choice,
I will be drained, hopeless and exhausted.
If I do that same something
but bring myself to the task
and choose to do it
because I want to,
I am no longer choiceless.
If I know that taking the garbage out
and washing the pots are the last thing I want to do,
but I do them anyway,
I age, decay and slowly die inside.
If I recognize that I don’t
want to do those tasks and
be gentle and caring with myself,
instead of forcing my way on,
I blossom, heal and nourish myself.
It is a very subtle distinction,
but I do believe it is
the key to ending cycles of abuse,
by using our free will even where
it seems like we don’t have any.
May we all find the little ways in which we can liberate
ourselves from choicelessness of all forms,
one conscious choice at a time.
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Being while doing
A lovely moment when I stopped, took in the beauty of the sunrise and basked in its glory I really liked the subject of yesterday’s post, remembering the human in all of us (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/07/13/for-the-human-in-all-of-us/). Today, I am taking the concept a bit further by explaining my own troubles with losing myself in doing things.
When I am tired, which is often because I have chronic fatigue syndrome, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities. When I am in that place, walking the dogs is not a pleasure, it’s a chore, taking care of the chickens is mechanical and cleaning or washing up feels like I am dragging my body around. It’s a really sad state of affairs, but it’s the honest truth sometimes. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how being miserable while living my life isn’t ideal, in fact it’s just really sad and not what I want.
I’ve decided to start being while doing. What I mean is this: When I check on the chickens, I want to see them, be with them, and honor them and me. It doesn’t mean I’m going to sit with them for an hour and talk to each of them. It more means that I will take the time to look at and be with them while I check on them. Would I like to interact with them when I check on them? Would it bring me joy to stop, bend down, notice the gorgeous reflection of the sun in their feathers, and how soft they feel on my fingertips? I think it’s a simple change, but one that can have a beautiful and miraculous impact for me and those I am interacting with, including the chickens, dogs, my family, co-workers, the plants in my garden and my home while I take care of it.
I have known this for a long time, I’ve written poems about it as a way of teaching myself to be present and mindful and appreciative of my life, even the less enjoyable parts, while I’m living it. What I’m realizing lately is that I had forgotten about it among the various stressors with my health, my family’s health and the state of the world, especially after the covid battle.
How do you feel while reading this post? Do you resonate with what I’m sharing? Would you like to shine more of the light of your beautiful heart and mind on the tasks you do in your life? If so, I invite you to join me. If you don’t know how, I’ll share a bit about what works for me to bring my presence to my life:
- I look in the mirror when I’m in the washroom and I make sure I make eye contact with myself. I usually smile too, even if I’m not feeling great that day, just to give myself a little boost and some care, right from me to me.
- I try not to rush around doing chores. I make a list and identify the ones I really have to do, and I give myself permission to go at the pace that feels best for me. Playing some great music seems to remind me to enjoy life while doing chores too. Dancing or singing while cleaning reminds me of my humanity.
- I remind myself that I am a human being, not a human doing. I take my time when I need to use the washroom, instead of just treating it like a means to an end.
- Before I walk the dogs, I take a few deep breaths and remind myself how much I love them. If the walk is stressful, I sing gently to myself or go through what I’m grateful for, or what I wish I could be grateful for (thanks for that tip Matt Kahn!).
- I take short breathing breaks throughout the day to give my body more of the vitality that comes from consciously attending to my breath.
Over the next few posts, I’ll share some of my poetry that speaks to this topic. With every breath you take, may you know, feel and sense your beautiful presence and may you feel the majesty and the grace of the light of your own care and attention.
©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved
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For the human in all of us
Sometimes my perspective is slightly cloudy and misty. I stop, breathe, and remember my humanity and my vision clears. Sometimes, I find myself getting very frustrated by how slowly things change in our world. I am constantly reflecting, growing, evolving, and improving the way I relate to myself and the world. I find it hard when things don’t keep up with my expectations.
When I am frustrated and want things to be better, I stop and focus on the human I am interacting with. I remember their humanity. I remember that they have feelings, hopes and dreams, and they are likely doing the best they can. If they can’t meet me where I’m at and I find myself getting frustrated, I can take a deep breath. I can remember that there is a human in front of me who is deserving of love, validation, and acknowledgment. They are there, reminding me of the depth of experience possible that comes from interacting consciously with a person, even if I don’t like what is going on, what they are saying or what I am feeling.
With every interaction I have, may I share love, validation, and respect to all, including myself. May we all remember that we are human, that we all respond well when we aren’t treated as objects but as beautiful beings.
It also helps me to remember that I am a human. I have ups and downs, triggers, emotions, passions, etc. When things aren’t going well in a situation, I breathe and remember that I am human, the people around me are human and we all have basic needs. When I remember this, I can approach a situation from a more heart centered instead of judgemental place.
I see you dear reader, and I hope you know how much I appreciate you taking your time to read this post. May your interactions be blessed with so much care and respect and humanity.
©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved
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A little space
Do you ever feel like you need a little space? Gosh, I know I do! If you can relate to the facial expressions below, please read on and check out my video further down ❤️❤️.
I am smiling here and resting my head on my forehead. Sometimes I add some swearing too 
This is my “no, not again” face. It’s usually for the dogs, and may be accompanied by swearing 
I had fun with these photos. This one is half irritated, half me trying to capture my exasperation for you. Sometimes, you need a little space. When life feels like too much, when there is too much to do, or too many demands from others on your time. A little space is a free and easy way to rebalance and recharge so you can come back to feeling like yourself.
I fully acknowledge that the more stress and pressure in life, the more space is needed. Sometimes we can give that to ourselves, but sometimes we can’t because we are caretakers, or our work requires it. In this short video, I give a few examples of how you can give yourself some space.
I was inspired to put this post together this afternoon because I needed space big time. It’s felt like a big week, and I am tired out today. My dogs seem to know when I am more tired, and they push the boundaries hard as a result. I yelled at them earlier and just felt so crowded. I recognize this may not seem like a big deal, but I am recovering from a lifetime of letting others take up my personal space, and my dogs are my best teachers. I get so harried and overwhelmed when my boundaries are violated, and I decided to make a change this afternoon to help myself out.
I had a quick errand to run, so I thought that would be a way to get some space. I almost came back home right away, but I decided to pause and consider what would help me the most. I decided to get some gas for my Lovemobile (https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/07/04/phd-in-being-me-in-action/) and some fries, and it made a huge difference. I don’t think it was about the fries or seeing people at the gas station. I think it was much more about needing to do my own thing, by myself, so I could recharge. And even recognizing that I needed that time out of the house.
From my heart to yours, here are some other ways I have found to get a little space while not leaving my home:
- Pulling up weeds is a free way to connect with nature, get your feelings out and be outside
- Washing dishes while playing your favorite song
- Taking a longer than usual shower or bath and enjoying the feeling of the water
- Saying no to demands from everyone and enjoying something that brings pleasure or smiles to your heart
- Lying on your bed when you can be alone and spending 5 minutes deep breathing
- Looking at yourself in the mirror and smiling and saying nice things to yourself, even if you look and feel like shit. This is very effective for me. It allows me to show up for and see myself, even in my worst moments.
I first really understood the true value of space from Matt Kahn, a spiritual teacher and author who had helped me a lot (www.mattkahn.org). He explained how we need space so we can empty out our energetic recycling bin. He also helped me to know that anger and irritation is a sure sign that space is needed to process, integrate, and empty our recycling bin. I use those emotions as cues to take a few minutes to a few hours to take care of myself.
I sincerely hope this post was helpful for you. If not, I hope you laughed at my hilarious facial expressions. Please share how you give yourself a little space. Big hugs!
©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved.
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So worthy
The sky is gorgeous and so are you Over the past few days, I have been witnessing and hearing about people being treated as less than. It really bothers me, and I get really angry and want to change our world for the better. I know that hurt people hurt people, but I can’t help but feel like we should all be able to get along.
If you are being mistreated, cast aside, ignored, persecuted, or abused, I stand with you. I am with you, and you are so worthy.
For every time you feel down, please read these words and be reminded that you matter and you are lovely, just as you are.
Our world values numbers, productivity, and profits over people. You are so much more than a human resource and a human doing. You are a beautiful being, and may you know and feel your beauty, truth, and worth, no matter how you are being treated.
May you be blessed with an abundance of support, safety, courage, and strength to leave unhealthy situations.
May you know how worthy you are of being well treated and being in healthy environments with compassionate people.
May we all rise up to live from our inner power so we can create true equity for all.
I stand with you, I honor you, and I am cheering you on.
Me sending you lots of love and saying, “I see you and you are so worthy.” © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved
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Protecting innocence
A heartfelt video from me and our 4 week old chicks A few weeks ago, I wrote about the death of one of our 2 day old baby chicks: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2023/06/02/making-peace-with-suffering/
It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot. In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity. They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away.
I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity. We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away. I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/
Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others. I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own. On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.
Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!
Look at this sweetie! ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved
