PhD in Being Me

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

  • Numb

    I remember it
    Walking through life empty
    A shell of myself
    With no hope for life to be any different

    I remember the terrible loneliness
    The sense that everyone else had it figured out but me
    The longing to have a purpose and an existence greater than the numbness
    But thinking that was reserved for others

    I have felt this numb emptiness many times in my life and it is back for a visit

    It reminds me of how hard everything can be
    And how hopeless
    I am an outsider in my own life and everyone is looking in and seeing me
    So desperately alone and lost
    But continuing their lives with full, happy hearts

    This numbness is like a little baby bird that fell out of the nest instead of launching itself into flight, ready for life

    This numbness reminds me that a part of me is in desperate need of being loved, witnessed and seen, just as it is.

    This numbness is calling to me asking me for validation instead of burying it deeper, while I focus on my to do list

    This numbness is my innocence crying out to me about how lost and shattered it is, asking me, begging me to stop, to breathe. To reach down tenderly and caress it and coddle it before bringing it to the cozy nest in my heart.

    Thank you dear precious numbness. Thank you for reminding me how long it’s been since we have connected. Thank you for reminding me how hard life is when you take the lead and I haven’t nurtured you to a loving, hand holding place by my side.

    Thank you numbness for reminding me that our world is rapidly changing, shattering and breaking down so we can all learn to walk hand in hand with our pain, numbness, innocence and vulnerability. Thank you precious numbness. I love you.

    Note from Bradlee: I felt so much better after writing this. One of my goals is to write about the things we don’t often talk about. There is a freedom in doing that and it is my honor to share so deeply about my experience of life. I think there are times when we all feel numb, worthless, scared, ashamed, etc., and I don’t think we can avoid those times. I believe it’s more about what we do when we feel like that. This writing is my way of comforting and acknowledging my numbness. May it lighten the load of numbness and pain for all. Thank you for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Being motivated by guilt

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    Being motivated by guilt
    Being motivated by guilt....

  • When rest is best

    An unmade bed that is ready to climb into for rest
    A bed ready to rest in!

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome can be quite confusing and hard. I remember being a student athlete, working full time and working on a Master’s degree in another city, and other wonderful examples of having energy. I also know that having this medical condition has taught me so much about myself and has given me a chance to know myself better and to heal some big wounds.

    I can only write about my experience of chronic fatigue syndrome, and my experiences will likely be different from those of others. I acknowledge, honor, and respect everyone with a chronic condition, no matter how their symptoms manifest.

    The thing I struggle with the most is not comparing myself to others who aren’t constantly tired. I look at the volunteers in my community and how hard they work, and I am in awe and jealous all at once. Chronic fatigue syndrome has taught me to focus on my own experience of life more. To notice how it feels to live the life I have, even when I sometimes want it to be different.

    I don’t have control over if I get better (believe me, I have tried), but I do have control over the choices I make each day. I can choose to notice that my head hurts and I am feeling nauseous. Both of those are my precious body’s way of saying, “hey, rest is what I need, not more doing.” Being respectful of myself means listening to my body, honoring any emotions I feel about needing to lie down, and giving myself permission to rest in a world that is so very busy.

    I have struggled with this a lot and am much kinder to myself now. I still whine and moan sometimes because my emotional maturity level goes down the more tired I get. Despite this, I am proud of how much easier it is for me to make choices that are in my best interests. I am proud of myself for developing boundaries and finding the courage to speak up about them. I am proud of myself for developing a stronger sense of self worth despite having this condition. I would still like to get better at not comparing my energy to others and not judging myself, but I recognize I am getting better at this. I have such a wonderful life, I don’t want to miss out on it just because I am chronically tired. May we all be blessed with knowing when rest is best and with the ability to be so kind to ourselves.

    I dedicate this post to my beautiful body for teaching me about when rest is best and to chronic fatigue syndrome for helping me polish my interior and exterior so I can shine brighter than ever before despite this condition. May we all be blessed to know how life is always here to help us, even when life isn’t how we want it to be. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Garbage on the side of the road

    Garbage on the side of the road, including a can and papers
    I see this a lot in my town

    Hurt people hurt people.

    I have heard that around and in my experience it is also true. I also think hurt people hurt the planet by throwing garbage on the side of the road.

    I remember many years ago when I believed I was worthless and not precious or a treasure. I remember feeling empty and lost and like I didn’t matter. When I see garbage on the side of the road, I think about how much pain people must be in to do that.

    The more I have healed and cultivated love for myself, the more I care for and respect our planet and all her creatures. I wonder if those who throw garbage on the ground do it because they don’t know how to love themselves or they don’t believe they are even loveable. It must be hard to care for the planet from that place.

    In my experience of pain and self-hatred, I often acted in self-destructive ways. I think throwing garbage on the road is a big cry for help, as that person isn’t just being self-destructive but destructive of their environment too. In my little country town, I find lots of empty beer cans and cannabis packaging, which seems like an even bigger cry for love, support, help, acknowledgment, and validation.

    If you are in a place where you are struggling with self-destructive behaviors or self-hatred, I see you. I am holding you in my heart and surrounding you with love. May you be blessed with an abundance of healing and love.

    May every choice you make be healthy. May all of your decisions lead to your healing. May you know how worthy you are no matter how deeply you hurt.

    Big hugs from my heart to yours!

    A row of people facing away with their arms on each other's shoulders.
    We all need more love and support and less judgment

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Making peace with suffering

    Our day old baby chick, Lillium, who was sick. I made this video to share with the vet in case we could get her help. She died the next morning.

    A beautiful, tiny, one-day old baby chick named Lillium taught so much about suffering in her time with us. She arrived at 9:15 am on May 31, 2023, and she passed away by 6:30am the next day.

    We got 7 one-day old baby chicks, and they are all so precious and cute. Baby chicks are so fast and curious, but not Lillium. I noticed she had a dark lump on her underside and that she wasn’t running around with the other chicks. I immediately felt like something wasn’t right.

    We tried bathing her underside in case her lump was hardened droppings, but it wasn’t. It was a growth, and it seemed to be making her quite sick. I usually worry about babies because they need so much love and support, but my worry for Lillium was really high. I couldn’t handle the idea of such a little, tiny chick suffering.

    I prayed for her, sang to her, and checked on her constantly. I researched what her lump could be and made the video at the top of this post to share with the vet to learn if anything could help her. I cried a few times and really witnessed myself feeling very shaken and sad by her very obvious suffering.

    Baby Lillium taught me a lot. She taught me that I don’t like to see anyone suffering and that it really stresses me out. She helped me to identify healthy versus unhealthy ways of dealing with her suffering. I even made some connections to how stressed I have been when my immediate family was hurting in any number of ways. She helped me shed light on what was out of my control and helped me take small steps to finding peace when witnessing suffering.

    I was still not a rockstar at being with her while she suffered, but I was absorbing the lessons she was teaching me. I am hopeful that I will be able to hold them in my heart when I witness suffering in myself or in others in the future. Thank you sweet Lillium for showing me the depths of my caring and compassion ❤️. Thank you for gracing my life with your sweet presence for a bit less than a day. Thank you for helping me learn to make peace with suffering.

    Baby chicks in a wooden box with straw on the ground.
    Some of the baby chicks we got on May 31, 2023

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • To Be Human

    A photo of the blogger with straight black and white hair, wearing a black shirt.
    Here I am, feeling fabulous after getting my hair done in December 2023

    To be human.

    What is it really?

    Is it to be perfect, to have everything organized and controlled?

    Or it is about acknowledging that life gets messy and choosing gratitude anyway?

    Is it about having everything society tells me I should have?

    Or is it about making the best with what I’ve got and dreaming big anyway?

    Is it about doing what everyone else is doing and what they expect of me?

    Or it is about following my intuition and my heart’s song regardless of how others choose to live their lives?

    The older I get, the less I want to be any way other than exactly how I am.

    Even when I don’t always like how I am.

    I don’t always like having chronic fatigue syndrome and having to budget my energy and my time. I don’t like having to decline so many lovely invitations from people I care about.

    I don’t always like how sensitive and anxious I am, especially when I get tired, which is often.

    I don’t always like having to work because it uses so much of my energy and so little of my heart’s desires.

    But I do like everything these aspects of my life have taught me.

    To own who I am, from the inside out.

    To know that I have tremendous worth even if I am super tired most days. My fatigue has taught me how to love and accept myself in ways I never dreamed possible. It inspired the idea of getting a Phd in Being Me, and made me want to share everything I’ve learned and continue to learn with others.

    To know that I am worthy of love and nurturing when I am sensitive and anxious, instead of just wishing I was “stronger”. My sensitivity is my greatest gift and what allows me to write these posts and dream of becoming a motivational speaker and self-help author.

    To know that I can let my heart sing at a job I only like, not love, because its song is so beautiful and it nurtures me. My job and its environment have inspired to live my life as authentically as possible, and to rest and care for myself when my environment tries to stifle my heart’s song.

    To be human.

    A lovely, caring, intelligent, dedicated, compassionate, empathic, tired, anxious, sensitive, easily stressed human.

    I’ll take it and I’m choosing to make the best of my life. May we all be blessed with empowerment, inspiration, prosperity and abundance to live our best lives and inspire others as we do it, no matter how messy or imperfect our lives or we may be.

    With so much love,

    Bradlee

    A photo of the blogger. She has dark and white hair, with a turquoise shirt.
    Here I am, writing this post, on a super tired day! To be human, it’s the good, the bad and everything in between!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Lovely things to say to yourself

    A wooden boardwalk with hearts lining it on either side.
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    The dogs woke me up at 4:45am this morning and I was pretty irritated at first. I was amazed how quickly I turned my irritation around by saying lovely things to myself. As I walked down the hall to let them out, I said, “You’re doing such a great job, Bradlee,” and “You are such a caring person.” I felt the irritation lift and I was even able to go back to sleep after.

    Are you interested in being kinder to yourself? In saying lovely things to yourself? Especially saying those words you wish others would say to you? I first learned about how to do this in 2015 after watching this inspirational video by Matt Kahn. It’s a long one, but super worth it. It truly gave me the inspiration and easy suggestions to learn how to witness my life and to validate myself while I live it.

    In the spirit of sharing and uplifting all readers, I will share a list of things I find myself often saying to myself. I always feel better when I do this. If I don’t feel better, I ask myself what I need to receive instead, and that usually breaks through the anger, despair or whatever I’m feeling. I’m learning, day by day, to be an expert in being me. I really hope these words inspire you to get a PhD in Being Me too!

    Examples of lovely things to say to yourself:

    • Hey, you just did an awesome job washing the dishes, way to go!
    • Thank you for vacuuming, especially since you were so tired. I really appreciate you.
    • You nailed that presentation at work today honey, woohoo!
    • I’m so proud of you, you used your voice to speak up about your boundaries so well.
    • That was a really good, clear email you wrote at work. Well done!
    • Way to take a few minutes to lie down, breathe and relax before moving onto your next task.
    • You did a great job pulling food out of the freezer to make sure you could make healthy meals.
    • You did such a good job honoring yourself today. You recognized you had limited energy, and you ordered groceries online, and cooked simpler foods for meals.
    • You spoke up about what your intuition told you instead of doubting yourself! Nice work. I hope you know how trustworthy you are going forward!
    • I’m so proud of you for recognizing that you needed time to yourself today and for taking it.
    • You did a good job relaxing while you were walking the dogs. You also were a rock star in keeping them from pulling you to the back of the forest.
    • You are such a tender, sweet and caring person. You are very good at loving your family and caring for others.
    • I can tell you are strained and anxious right now. I super honor you. Is there anything I can do for you?
    • Oh man, you are doing a great job of thinking massively resentful thoughts. Is there something I can do for you? I know there’s still laundry to do and dishes to wash, but you matter more.

    These are just a sample of things I may say to myself at various points in the day. I need to say these lovely, caring things to myself especially on days when I am really tired or feeling anxious or overwhelmed. I’d greatly welcome comments about which of these feels good to you or what you say to yourself that makes you feel good!

    Let’s do this! Let’s choose to honor and love ourselves! Let’s choose to be kind to the most important people in our lives, but especially ourselves.

    Big hugs! xoxoxoox

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • When I falter – an exploration of faith

    A blue heron, standing on a old piece of wood on a body of water.
    Photo by Frank Cone on Pexels.com

    In 2018, I went through several months of exploring my faith. I don’t have a religion, although I was baptized Christian. For many years now, I’ve been learning about God, Creator, the Universe in my own way, and it has felt really important and authentic for me. The text below was really about me trying to make sense of what I was feeling during a very turbulent time, and learning how to have faith in God. This post is in honor of my precious friend, Carla.

    When I falter


    There are times when I falter. I forget how special and important I am, and I rely on my decision making skills from my past, and I slip back into the fog of unconsciousness. I again wear the cloak of darkness that makes it so it doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal to make choices that aren’t the best for me. I am able to rationalize most anything when I am wearing that cloak. God loves me so much, He makes it easy for me to don the cloak so that I get the pleasure and challenge of finding my way back home to Him, to my Heart, to my healthiest ways of living. It’s like I get a chance to relearn faith each and every time. It is like with each time I can take the cloak off and hang it up on a hanger that is farther and farther away from me.


    May I honor that cloak and our Lord as one and the same, as they are both my greatest teachers, and
    each just teaches me from a different perspective. One is not better than the other and it is time for me to forgive myself for all the times I put on the cloak of darkness and forgot my heart’s song. God was with me, singing the song for me each time I wore the cloak and the reason why it feels so beautiful and free when I take the cloak off is because that is when I sing along with God and remember that I’ve never been alone and that I have a beautiful voice and a very sacred song to sing. Sat Naam.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Who am I waiting for?

    A big room with a person sitting, hanging their head.
    Photo by Adrien Olichon on Pexels.com

    I wrote the words below in May 2019. I often wrote emails to myself, to try to sort out my feelings. Sometimes I find that easier than writing in a journal. I am so humbled to read these words, there I was, so broken after my mom had suddenly died a few months later, but so ready to acknowledge what I needed and craved, and what was holding me back. I honor the me I was then, and then me I am now, and the me I am becoming. As you read this, may it inspire you to love, honor, witness and validate yourself, from the inside out. I honestly think that learning to do this over the past few years is what gave me the strength to recognize my Breaking Point and to find out what was Beyond the Breaking Point. I know I’ll have many more breaking points, and that’s okay. As long as I keep myself company through them, I know I’ll be alright.

    With love,

    Bradlee

    Who am I waiting for?

    I often notice myself talking to other people in my head.

    It’s like I’m trying to seek help or validation from them regarding my experiences.

    While I am grateful to have the help and support of many people, I have a feeling that I am still so desperate to be witnessed, heard, seen and validated.

    I’m aware that it may not be a bad thing to want support and validation, but there is something about it that feels like it’s trying to teach me something.

    I often imagine myself having conversations with the grief counselor or naturopath that I have been seeing and I’m asking them for their insights on how I’m doing, how I’m feeling and what it all may mean.

    As I’m writing this, I’m starting to feel a bit nauseous and teary, so I believe I am on the right path.

    I still find it so hard to believe that I am a good person, that I am making healthy and wise choices, that others appreciate me, that I am a beautiful healer, that I am so acutely and wonderfully aware of what is going on within me and that I’m not broken.  I do think that is why I have those conversations in my head.

    What might I need to feel the greatness I already am and to see how healthy, beautiful, kind, smart, wise and empathically awesome I already am?

    Whose approval am I really looking for?  Is it from all the people in my life who didn’t have it to give, because they didn’t even know how to appreciate and approve of themselves?

    Yes, there is no doubt that the lack of their approval was hurtful and left me seeking so much externally.  But I know that there is more.

    I know that I am really missing myself and the ability to be a witness to myself, from the inside out. 

    It’s like I haven’t know how to be grounded within myself and as a result, I’ve been outside myself for a very long time and I’m missing myself.

    I want to be grounded. I want to have my own experience of life. I want to develop my inner compass so that I follow its guidance and direction to what is best for me, instead of what I have done for so long, looking outside of myself and at others for answers.

    I really feel like I am deeply healing at this time and that it is my time to reclaim my health and vitality on all levels and dimensions of myself and to rise up as the beauty I already am and sing and dance and live boldly and confidently.  As I step across the stage of my life into the light, may I give myself the time and patience I need to get stronger within and throughout all of me, so that I may walk as a vortex of light on this planet, pulling in everything that is meant to return home to heaven, for the well-being of all humanity.  May all aspects of me be healed, blessed and transformed so that I may live out my life’s purpose in all of its glory.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Destroyed

    Huge waves crashing on the shore.
    Photo by Ray Bilcliff on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in May 2021. I remember sitting and talking to someone as these realizations hit me and I knew I was witnessing my own destruction. I remember writing this and feeling soothed and knowing that I was okay, even as I was being destroyed. I remember knowing that everything, including me, was much more complex, deep and beautiful than I could ever understand and that it was okay that I didn’t understand.

    I share this poem from my heart to yours. xoxoxoxo

    Destroyed – a poem

    Well, here I am.

    I have built my life on trying to be a certain way so that I could avoid hurt and pain

    And so I could avoid causing hurt and pain to others.

    I have exhausted and controlled myself to achieve this and yesterday,

    I was destroyed.

    I was blown open.

    Despite all of my efforts, things are still a mess.

    I am still causing hurt and pain

    And people will be as they will be.

    I get it now.

    I am not in charge.

    I am not the boss.

    I am the destroyed one who thought she could be in charge and who could be the boss.

    I see now that I am broken and the only option I have now

    Is to have faith and trust in my life’s purpose

    That only the universe is the boss of.

    I am done.

    I am destroyed.

    I am broken

    And that is exactly the way I should be or I guess it wouldn’t have come to this.

    Matt Kahn has this beautiful quote that goes something like this, “in order for me to become who I am destined to become, life couldn’t have happened any other way.”

    So here I am, after what feels like lifetimes of trying, atoning, overcoming, exhaustion and panic,

    And I am broken open and destroyed, so that must be what was meant to be.

    The next steps are to be broken and destroyed and be open to all the inspiration, healing and clarity that surely has more room to do it’s magic.

    One moment at a time, I will sit with myself, I will live my life,

    And be, not try.

    I can envision myself being so vulnerable, so open, so constant and yet in flux,

    Which I guess is exactly what a human life is.

    Constant, yet in flux.

    Broken, yet healed.

    Loving, yet with hateful thoughts.

    It’s funny because as I write this, I see that I’m not destroyed,

    It’s everything that I have thought I am that’s been destroyed and

    What is left is me, sitting here within myself,

    Naked,

    Reborn

    and freed.

    With every breath I take, may I embrace the destruction of the constructs I thought I was and may the deeper me have more room to emerge.

    May the broken concepts and constructs of me continue to dissolve with my utmost admiration, appreciation and respect for the journey we have gone through together

    And may my sweet heart and body know I adore them no matter what and that I am here,

    Loving myself, loving them, and being it all.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.