PhD in Being Me

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

  • Emergence

    Image of a caterpillar that just emerged from a chrysalis.
    Photo by Nandhu Kumar on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in 2016 or so. It is very special to me, as it very beautifully describes how I learned to turn around within myself to find me. No preamble or explanation can really set the stage better than the poem itself. May it inspire you to further emergence of your most wonderful self. xoxoxoxo

    Emergence – a poem

    What if all the longing I felt my whole life was just so simple?

    What if I thought I longed for another, when really,

    I was just longing for myself?

    For my own attention,

    comfort,

    care,

    compassion and

    love?

    What if every time I longed to be passionate about a cause like my friends

    or to have a boyfriend or

    a romantic encounter,

    all I really wanted was for me to turn around

    and take a look at the beauty and rawness that was always there?

    What if all of the external things were only traps

    that I unknowingly fell into again and again,

    feeling the press and pressure to fall in

    from society

    from family

    from what is expected

    and normal

    and what should be done?

    What if now I’ve fallen enough times?

    What if I choose to be done climbing out of the holes and traps?

    What if I choose to turn around,

    to be bold and brave

    and to embrace the me that has always been here;

    the real me,

    the one who has been patiently waiting for me,

    the one who never longed, desired, craved or grew angry?

    The one who accepted me and all of the distractions I got caught up in,

    knowing that at one point,

    its love, benevolence and grace

    would catch my true attention.

    What would happen then?

    What did happen….

    I learned to turn around and

    I found a raw, pure and innocent part of my being that has always been with me.

    It has an unbroken connection to infinity

    to the stars

    to the universe

    to the divinity within all.

    I went for it.

    I stepped toward it and it has been entering me and filling me since.

    Where it will take me, I don’t know, but I’m not falling, I’m only

    cycling with the waves of emotion that are rising up within me

    from such a radical

    yet obvious

    choice.

    Through a willingness to have an open heart,

    to live from vulnerability instead

    of from fear and protection

    and a realisation that all of my dreams had come true

    before I had even noticed,

    I turned around.

    At that point, the gateway to my vulnerability opened

    and it was gently guided by a beautiful soul

    who whispered to me,

    who helped me turn around and thank myself.  He helped me

    to realise the beauty in my own heart and

    to feel the purity and innocence within me;

    radiating and pulsing like a star about to be born.

    I am grateful to be here.

    I am grateful to be emerging.

    May I fly like the firefly,

    landing gently on the arms of my fellow brothers and sisters,

    reminding them of the light that is within them…

    if only they would just turn around

    and look.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Always blooming

    Background of flowers with the text, "You are always blooming and you are lovely." Bradlee Zrudlo -PhD in Being Me

    I’ve been sick the past few days and it has helped put things in perspective. Even when I am sick or struggling with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, I am always blooming. Even when I feel like I am taking several steps back, I am always blooming.

    It’s so easy to get down on myself, to forget the wonderful person I am, the good I do for myself and others each day, and the multitude of healthy choices I make. It’s easy to focus on what isn’t going well, when there is so much beauty and goodness in my life, much of which I have chosen, cultivated and nourished. I wonder….does a flower ever say, “damn it, I should have bloomed fully by now. I’m not sure why I’m lagging behind?” Or do it just revel in joy that it is always blooming and growing, even through the stages that may appear to be less beautiful? I wonder….

    Wherever you are at in your life, may you know how glorious you are through every struggle, every heartache, every moment of despair. May you know that you are constantly blooming, even if the soil of your heart’s garden doesn’t seem very fertile, or if the sun doesn’t seem to be shining on you.

    Every moment you live, may you be inspired to make the healthiest and wisest choices possible and may you connect with the true beauty you are. May you see yourself as always blooming, even when everything around you is changing with the seasons of life. I see you and I honor you. I am cheering you on and smiling at you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding My Power

    Image of flames

    I have been scared and intimidated by anger in the past.  I have also been wanting to get to know my anger and to create more space for it within me.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome.  Over the last several years, I have hated myself for it, resented, blamed and berated myself and my body for it. I have also lost myself in efforts to “get rid of it” so I could get back to my life without it.  I have tried many ways to heal, those that honored me and my precious body and those that were just a means to an end.

    This past week I thought to myself that I would just stop.  Just stop trying to get better, to overcome this and just be me regardless of whether I like having chronic fatigue or not.  It felt very nice, like I could finally relax and just be.  Ironically then, yesterday I met two people who offered me suggestions of other options or paths I could take. At first it felt nice to have more hope but a few hours later I felt angry. I felt it traveling up the right side of my body, burning.  I felt it and I knew. 

    This is my power.  This anger is me saying enough, reminding me that I am the one with the power to make my own decisions, the only one who can choose to stop trying and just be.  The one who can appreciate that there may be other avenues to explore but who needs a rest from exploring.  As I type this, I feel incredibly empowered and accepting of myself. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself. If anything, my anger has led me to a deeper sense of home, acceptance and belonging within me.

    It’s 3:54am and I felt so moved by my anger that I needed to type this out.  I had just woken up 25 minutes ago to use the washroom and I felt so full of thoughts that I decided to breathe and allow my breath to empty me out so I could go back to sleep. I felt dizzy with how overflowing I was with thoughts but then I remembered the beautiful anger I had felt while brushing my teeth before bed and I reclaimed my power again and starting typing.  Now I feel like I am my own super hero with a calm mind and heart.  I am here, loving and honoring myself and my need “to be” instead of “pursue”.

    Will I ever try other ways to heal my chronic fatigue? Absolutely.  When will I start that exploration?  When the time feels right.

    Thank you my beautiful mind, body and heart for all you do. And thank you anger for teaching me to honor my needs and boundaries and for guiding me to my inner peace and power. No matter where you are in your life and what you are dealing with, may you be blessed with so much inner power, strength, inspiration and peace.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • From Anxiety to Empowerment

    Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

    I am sensitive, easily stressed and anxious. I am also growing and learning and finding new ways to care for the wonderfully sensitive person I am.

    As I reflect back on my life, I see how many times I didn’t know I had options. I would just be anxious and sit in that for a long time. I often related to myself and life from a very disempowered and victim-like place. In the last months, I have been growing more empowered as I learn more options for responding to life. Am I an expert yet? No! Does it feel awesome when I first remember that I have choices and then actually explore them? Yes!

    I am very fortunate to have had an opportunity to talk with a therapist from the Kemptville Stress Relief Centre. She gave me some excellent advice that seemed to have opened up a dormant part of my being. I was asking about how to set my kid up for success in life and she empowered me so I could empower my kid. It was really awesome. More specifically, she encouraged me to do some research about my areas of concern, talk to my kid about them, work together to find solutions and agree to check in with each other regularly. It seemed so simple and so much more effective than just worrying without any action.

    Since that time, I have been noticing that I feel more confident and empowered, and less anxious as a result. It’s amazing to remind myself of how capable I am and that I don’t have to feel like a victim when I give myself space and time to consider options, consult experts, talk about my feelings, talk to my family or friends, etc. I understand that it will take time to let this sink in and for this new way of being to be my default. In the meantime, I pledge to recognize my anxiety and explore my options so I can become more empowered.

    Does this resonate with you? Have you also felt anxious and stuck like a victim? What have you done to move forward with respect and care for yourself? I am excited to be at this place in my life, better late than never, eh?

    Thanks for reading! And big hugs to you! I love and honor you as you become an expert in being your lovely self!

    A blue rectangle with gold dust on the sides, with the words, "With every breath you take, may you be empowered."

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Going to war with myself

    Image of an angel engaged in war

    In this self-care, self-love journey, I have noticed that there are times when I am going to war with myself. It was an important but sad realization. How many of us have improved our relationships with ourselves, friends and family and the world, but are still fighting on the inside?

    My hope is that with this new self-awareness of this tendency that I will move towards healthier and honorable ways of relating to myself and dealing with my big emotions. Here are some ways that I noticed I was going to war with myself:

    • A few weeks ago, I got very angry over something that happened and I caught myself picking at my finger and causing a lot of pain. I have done that since my teens, but that day I was able to see how I was taking the anger I was feeling and throwing it painfully right back at myself.
    • When I am emotionally tired or upset or overwhelmed, I tend to eat to comfort myself. This realization has been a long time coming. Recently while I was eating to get comfort, I realized how unhealthy that was. It felt like my emotions were saying, “Hey Bradlee, things are really out of balance and we need you,” and I was responding in a way that didn’t acknowledge those feelings but kept them down through food.

    These may not seem like much of a war or a battle to someone outside of me, but I’m the one who has been living with this battle for 30+ years. It’s been a long, drawn out fight to stay above the surface of my humanity and I’ve done that by fighting myself, my body and my emotions. I love the image at the top of this post. No amount of armor can truly stop me from being human and having a whole range of feelings and experiences. No matter what, here I am, wide open, and learning how to get a PhD in Being Me. I think that means learning to put down my shield, take off my visor and remove the chest plate and learn how to soothe myself to bring an end to my inner war.

    This song has inspired me countless times; I heard it again this morning and decided to use its opening line as the title for this post. If you’re inspired, you can check it out, it’s by Trevor Hall and it’s called, “Put Down What You Are Carrying” : https://youtu.be/qvMzebnP170

    Thanks for reading and I look forward to sharing what I learn over the next few weeks as I end the inner war and anchor greater light, love and respect for myself, for my family and for all.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights

    the words "you are worthy of self-love and self-care" on a pink background with hearts and stars.

    In December, I learned about The Mourner’s Bill of Rights, by Dr. Alan Wolfelt. It is a very heartfelt list of “rights” for grieving people so that they may fully process and experience their grief.

    I felt so supported while hearing those rights that it inspired me to create my own Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights. The whole point of this site is to empower others to become experts in being their awesome selves and this felt like a beautiful tool of empowerment.

    To start off, I asked my heart what kinds of “rights” I could give to myself to make it really clear that I had the right to give myself self-love and self-care. I came up with a long list and it felt so wonderful. Like I could give myself permission to show myself how much I matter through any of those actions.

    I have created an infographic of my top 12 favorite rights and below there is a text version for greater accessibility. You can download the infographic or copy and paste the text version of some example rights. I’ve also added additional ones to inspire you to create your own Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights. Please know that you can make up any that make you happy, my list is only meant as a guide to empower you to put yourself first!

    Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights: infographic version

    self-love-and-self-care-bill-of-rightsDownload

    Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights: text version

    What follows is a copy and paste version of a long list of rights that you can “give” yourself with regards to self-love and self-care. Most are from my heart, and the last nine are from participants from a presentation I did on this topic at work! Thank you to all those lovely participants who shared and inspired me too!

    I have the right to:

    • make healthy choices
    • know my tremendous worth
    • love and care for myself
    • rest instead of always doing
    • stop what I am doing to check in with myself 
    • compliment myself and say the things to my heart that I would love others to say to me
    • be honest with myself
    • breathe deeply a few times before moving on to the next task
    • prioritize self-care over everything else
    • be gentle with myself
    • experiment with self-love and self-care practices to find what works best for me
    • adapt, grow, regress, progress, get in a slump, feel bad, be joyful and everything in between
    • treat myself with kindness and compassion
    • rest even when everyone else is busy
    • follow my intuition even if other people tell me to do something different
    • not be okay or to be more than okay
    • give myself more love, not less* (from Matt Kahn’s teachings www.mattkahn.org)
    • give myself permission to live my life from the inside out
    • praise myself for the good things I do each day, even the small ones
    • look at myself in the mirror and smile
    • enjoy my own company or to learn how to
    • feel exactly as I am feeling without needing to rush or hurry those feelings away
    • do things my own way
    • love and be loved
    • set boundaries
    • be myself
    • say no to uncomfortable situations
    • work at my own pace
    • just feel what I’m feeling
    • do and enjoy whatever I love even if others don’t love that!
    • stop doing what I am doing and take a break to process things

    Thanks so much for reading until the end of this long post! I would love to hear what your favorite rights are. If you feel like sharing, please leave me a comment below. Please feel free to share the infographic, the bulleted list or any list you make with others to inspire them to care for their awesome selves.

    Big hugs!

     © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Ambassadors

    A gorgeous sunset in Kemptville that reminded me of the glory and strength within the hearts of all

    From 2015 to 2018, I was so deeply inspired by the massive spiritual and personal growth I was going through. I would often just be making a meal, sitting, or working and then I would be filled with some words that I just had to type out very quickly. As I understand it now, the divide between my inner wisdom and my awareness was getting smaller and I was being guided from within through these poems.

    I remember the day I wrote Ambassadors the poem below. I was on my lunch break and I was going to start making myself some food. I was drawn to a notebook and I wrote out this poem and then just kept going on with my day. Later on when I typed it out, I realized how beautiful, deep and profound it was. If you have been going through any type of spiritual growth or awakening, may this bring you some comfort and guidance. Alternatively, if you have been working on finding yourself and living your true life, then may it also help you find what makes you feel your best.

    Thanks for reading and may you be well! xoxoxoxo

    Ambassadors – a poem

    We are ambassadors to a new world.
We grieve, we cry, we rage and we hate
because we see and feel the mess we are in as humanity.
Your grief, tears, rage and hatred are a blessing to the world.
Without them, what would change?

You already know in your soul and your bones that you were born
to usher in a new world.  It is okay to have forgotten it, I did.
Do you feel it calling to you from within?
Do you notice how people live so automatically,
without question, like drones?
Is your body asking for a change in food, routine or job?

These represent You calling out to You to wake up,
to breathe, to rise up, to soar and to learn more about you,
so you and all of your gifts can be shared with our world
that so desperately needs them.

This is the era of self-care,
the time to get to know yourself better,
to give yourself supreme care, nourishment, love, compassion,
gentleness and tenderness.

It is time to rise up my dear ones.
It is time to turn back to you,
to be strengthened, nourished and replenished to carry out
your mission of being an ambassador to the New Earth,
to the new way of relating to the self and to the self in all.

Spend time with you, put down your device, magazines, newspapers, etc.
Just be with yourself, even if you are uncomfortable.
Notice your feelings and offer yourself love.
Try being with yourself instead of avoiding you and how it feels to be you.

Become the superhero of your own life,
rescue yourself from your own suffering first, 
then you can step into being an ambassador more fully.

Work with your body, learn what foods it wants, how much sleep it needs,
and if you need to take more conscious breathing breaks.
Care for yourself and let the universe fill you with your next steps.

You’re never alone.
It just starts with you.  Know you are capable and worthy;
if you don’t, be kind to you, just as you would to a little seed
you planted in a drought.
The rains and sunlight of your attention are all that is needed to help you,
as the seed, to blossom.

Just as a baby forms through the codes in DNA and the magic of creation,
you can grow and blossom into all of you, 
embodying the magic of creation, of the universe, within you.

Care for yourself and see that all of you has been patiently waiting for you
to notice so that you may blossom.

Care for you and all the instructions you need will be revealed as they are required.

Honor yourself, dear one, and the rest will follow.


© Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • How I Feel is Nobody’s Fault

    The sun shining behind tree branches covered in ice.
    The sun setting through ice covered tree branches

    For as long as I can remember, I haven’t taken responsibility for how I feel. I have blamed or resented other people, thinking it was their fault I was mad, sad, disempowered, or overwhelmed.

    I have related to life as a victim for a very long time. I even remember writing in my diary in grade 6 and thinking to myself, “Ah, look at that, this is the role I will be playing in my life.” It was like my inner wisdom was observing me taking on the persona of victimhood.

    I have had a lifetime of Oscar worthy performances as a victim, with many breakthroughs over the years where I live from a more empowered and confident place. Thankfully, through my efforts to get to know, love, and care for myself, I am seeing the role of “victim” for what it is, a role.

    Maybe as I get closer to getting a PhD in Being Me, I am also becoming my own casting director in the play of my life. Maybe I am also the executive producer, star performer, prompter, props person, and even playwright. Maybe that’s why I recently had the thought: How I feel is nobody’s fault.

    I first had that thought while I was walking the dogs in mid-January. It was like I stepped outside of myself and looked at my life from a place of emotional freedom, and those words, “How I feel is nobody’s fault,” trickled into my being and unshackled me. This was very profound for me because of my pattern of blaming and resenting others instead of taking responsibility for myself.

    For example, with chronic fatigue syndrome, I have limited energy each day. Sometimes, when I was especially tired, I would resent my chores, my job, my body, my family, or my dogs. It has been hard for me to remember deep in my being that it is no one’s fault I am so tired or that I choose to resent or blame instead of just being tired. The truth is, I have been resenting and blaming for a long time, way before I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue. That realization of “how I feel is nobody’s fault” has shifted my perspective to one where I can take responsibility for how I feel, which frees me from blame, resentment, and perpetual victimhood.

    For two days after those words, “How I feel is nobody’s fault,” I kept repeating that realization to myself and feeling the freedom within it. I was more liberated in terms of how I related to others and the responsibilities in my life. It was heavenly. I then was thrust back into feeling like a victim until that freedom and sense of peace and self autonomy came back to me.

    I expect that I will cycle through this realization as it deepens and loosens up those rigid, disempowered aspects of my being until I am more free, autonomous, and accountable to and responsible for myself. May the loosening and softening be as loving, gentle, and respectful as possible for me, for you dear reader, and for all. No force or pressure, just beautiful dawning and expanding of autonomy in all aspects of our individual and collective beingness.

    A NOTE: This realization stems from me relating to life as a victim. This realization is from my inner work and isn’t meant to tell anyone who is being abused or hurt by another in any way that it is not their abusers fault. Abuse of any kind is not okay, and it is wrong. If you are in an abusive situation, I love you, and it is not your fault. I encourage you to reach out to loved ones or professional support where you live, and may you receive all the love, support, and care you need.

    Thank you for reading. Wherever you are in your life or how you are feeling, I support you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • False Perfection

    Image of a broken piece of glass with many shatter lines in it.
    Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in 2017. It was when I knew that I could be kinder to myself and I was experimenting with how to do so. I remember just feeling so constrained and wondering what I was trying to measure up to and why. I like the strain in this poem and the dawning of the realization I was having. I feel like it’s a bit messy and I like it that way. I feel like it’s messy because the idea was so new to me, that there was less of the usual flow that’s in my writing. I invite you to check it out and may it help free you from any prisons of perfection you have been living in. Big hugs!!

    False Perfection - a poem

What is the measure of perfection?

I have always strived for perfection without really ever having a true definition of perfection.

Recently I realized that it was some kind of false ideal that I was striving to, one that was unattainable, unrealistic and certainly not defined by me.

I was setting myself up to fail and to hate myself time and time again

As I was wanting to measure myself and my actions against a non-existent

Standard.

I have seen others hate themselves and berate themselves because they

Couldn’t measure up to their undefined standards of perfection.


Let’s rise up dear brothers and sisters.

Let us liberate ourselves from these false pretenses,

These false measures that are not based in any reality,

That are more like prisons that don’t have any walls.

Once you know there are no walls and everything is false

About the ideals we strive for that are not defined by any heart

Spirit or the Universe,

Then the false ideals fall away and

There is then time to get to know the way of the heart

The way that has always been there, waiting for the seeds of truth

To be planted within our hearts, once we step out of the darkness

Of the prison with no walls, into the gardens of our hearts,

Where there is always truth, nothing false and we remember

That everything is here to help us, even false pretenses.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • This is Me

    A photo of Bradlee and her dog Maggie snuggled up on the couch.
    Me, first thing in the morning, with beautiful Maggie

    I wrote the poem below in April 2021. It is still so valid and really represents my journey in working towards a PhD in Being Me. It is very raw and vulnerable and makes me feel so proud of myself and how far I have come. May it inspire you too! xoxoxoxo

    This is Me – a poem

    Here I am
Burst open
Coming apart at the seams
Feeling emotional, happy, destroyed and broken
All at once
 
This is me
For years and years
I have tried to manage myself
Control myself
Force myself
Perfect myself
And all along
I was there
Waiting patiently under the surface
To be loved, seen, heard, valued and treasured
Just as I am
 
Here I am
Me
Anxious me
Sensitive me
Cautious me
Daring me
Chip eating and coke drinking me
The me who swears
The me who gets passionate about injustice
The me who is always trying to do the right thing because I care so much
The me who is so beautiful inside and out
Here I am
Me
 
I have stopped trying to compartmentalize me
Stopped trying to understand myself as a concept that can never be taught or mastered
But can only be lived as me
Holding my own hand from the inside out
Smiling at myself through all of my weaknesses and strengths
And moving forward anyway
Even if the way I feel, think, act and am isn’t in line with the vision of the perfect person I have nearly killed myself to be.
 
What if I’m just me
Exactly as I am
Just as I am
No more, no less
Just me?
 
I think it would be liberating and it would help me end the endless cycles of abuse I’ve been swirling in.
Today, I dare to do this.
Today, I hug myself instead of berate myself.
Today, I honor my battle scars and I tend to my wounds.
Today, I stop trying to be anyone other than me.
Today, I am just as I am.
 
With every breath I take, may I anchor greater personal freedom, liberation and acceptance for myself, for my family and for the wellbeing and evolution of all.
May you be blessed with the courage, strength and gentleness to be you, exactly you, just as you are.
I am with you, doing my best and being vulnerable as the beautiful, sweet soul I am and may you feel loved, just as you are.


    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.