PhD in Being Me

Author: Bradlee Zrudlo

  • Beyond the Breaking Point

    Image from space of ice fractures in the Beaufort Sea.
    Extensive Ice Fractures in the Beaufort Sea by NASA Goddard Photo and Video is licensed under CC-BY 2.0

    In my previous post, I wrote about being at the breaking point. It was a post overflowing with the rawness of emotion I was experiencing at the time. Writing that post gave me courage to be with myself when I was so angry, disappointed and violated. It helped me understand that I didn’t need to know what was coming next, yet.

    Here I am a few days later and I am so grateful for this experience. It taught me that I am my own fiercest protector. In the face of disrespectful behavior, I rose up within myself to see it for what it was and to say enough. I was flooded with a whole spectrum of emotions, all of which I was able to embrace as completely valid. I didn’t have my next steps ready, instead I just gave those huge emotions space to breath and to guide me to what was next.

    This is new territory for me because in the past, I just micro-managed myself, trying to fit into the mold of who I thought I should be. I’ve been unlearning all of that, and I am learning to live my own life, according to my rules, my beliefs, my values and my feelings. It is a gorgeously transformative process that has been incredibly beautiful, rewarding, and exhausting.

    The next morning after writing that post, my next steps became clear. My limits and boundaries had been violated so severely and I was radiating with a giant, booming, “NO MORE,” in the cells of my body. I knew that I owed it to myself to follow those feelings and to make decisions that would allow me to be in a healthier, more respectful environment. In the past, I used to think I had to stay and suffer through it, or try to reason my way through abusive behavior, or make excuses for those being disrespectful. This may be the among the rare times when I heard the “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” scream within me and gave myself permission to act on it. May this be more of my reality going forward (and yours too if this resonates with you).

    I’m learning how to be an expert in me, by working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and I took major steps forward during this experience. It felt holistic and pure and straight from within me. I didn’t look to others to confirm my next steps, I make those decisions from that inner roar and man, it felt so super good.

    By Friday evening, I was exhausted and depleted and yesterday too. I know how much energy it takes to learn new ways of being and to follow ones instincts in a world full of advice, fads and ways of being. I rode those waves of exhaustion and made sure to praise myself for following my inner voice, for protecting my innocence, for knowing I was worthy of having my boundaries respected and for taking steps to make sure major boundary violations wouldn’t happen again. I was gentle with myself as I went through this and I am smiling while typing this. It feels very good to be learning to honor myself from the inside out.

    If you are in need of gentleness, I support you. I am with you. I haven’t gotten to this place overnight. It has been a life long process, one that has been agonizingly slow at times. It is my hope that in sharing my journey, it will help connect you to what is best for you in your life. I would never dream of making any reader think that they need to do exactly what I am doing. Rather, it is my dream that you, dear reader, may be so full of love, inspiration and hope after visiting this blog that it makes your life easier and gentler.

    May you follow the breadcrumbs of light that I am leaving behind as I walk, type and learn to live from my power. May they lead you to your inner voice and power. May you rise up within yourself, in your own way, to live your life from the inside out, in all of your brilliance and authenticity, despite anything you’ve ever been told about what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We are beautiful humans, being pushed to the breaking point, so we may see what’s on the other side.

    Pssst, I have a secret. I think it’s only freedom, power and greater confidence. Look out world, here we come with songs of hope, torches of light and an abundance of love and healing.

    Big hugs!! xoxoxoxoox

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • The Breaking Point

    Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

    I’ve been feeling more of my power coming to the forefront of my inner world lately and it’s been wonderful.  Today I had an experience that deeply insulted, offended and angered me.  After it was over, I felt like I was in shock, and I needed time to settle back into myself.  I was in shock over how rude, insensitive and condescending people can be, and how so many others seem to support that type of behavior.  I have been a human for 43 years now, and the more I open my heart and lead with my vulnerability, the more I am shocked and appalled by the worst aspects of humanity. 

    Shortly afterwards, I had to excuse myself in order to cry and let my feelings out.  I remember wanting to rationalize and justify things to myself, instead I chose to love the one who needed to break down and shed many tears.  That felt so much better to me, to just give myself permission to be overcome with emotion and to embrace the one who felt trampled and abused.  As the day went on, I continued to embrace and hold space for my precious innocence as I grieved and felt the shock.  I really felt like I got further in getting a PhD in Being Me today.

    As the day went on, I got angry.  I learned how my anger is a way to respond to a pretty intense violation of my precious inner space and outer boundaries.  I started cherishing that anger and I could see images in my mind of me becoming a dragon and breathing flames everywhere, not in a destructive way, but in a powerful, “not again” way.  Writing this is one of the things I am choosing to do to honor myself today, and the sadness that I continue to feel under that anger that is giving me the strength to advocate for myself and to prevent this from happening again.

    I’m still not sure what my next steps are, but I know now that I’ve been growing and I have new tools and new awareness to honor, protect and nurture myself.  I have come very, very, very far in this way.  I remember the days when my only options were to shut down, cry in my choicelessness/helplessness or to deepen my victimhood.  If you resonate with those ways of being, I see you.  I also super honor you.  It is so hard to be choiceless, to feel like a victim and to live from a shut down place.  With every word you read on this blog, may you know that I believe in you.  May you be blessed with all you need to heal from trauma, abuse and other atrocities you’ve experienced and may you be surrounded with a blanket of peace, healing and protection while you heal. 

    Let’s breathe fire together and burn down (metaphorically 😊) all that no longer serves humanity.

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • My humanness is divine

    Photo by Sam Kolder on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in 2016-2017. I was having a really hard time bridging what I was learning about spirituality and what I hated about myself. It was through writing this poem and a few others that I realized I was resenting my “humanness” and was trying to rise above it. As I wrote this poem, it taught me a more loving way to embrace all of me. There is a lot of joy, power and possibility in this poem. As you read it, I hope it helps you in some way! Big hugs from me to you!

    My humanness is divine – a poem

    I feel like I am split in two

    right under my heart.

    The split came into place

    because I judged my humanness

    as being less than perfect

    as being un-divine.

    Maybe it wasn’t me who started that feeling

    but I have let it continue within me,

    creating a divide and a separation

    and an ultimate judgement.

    I have strived for perfection and in

    doing so, I have pushed down the

    qualities that I perceived as being in the way

    of this false sense of perfection I was seeking.

    I had no idea I was pushing away myself;

    that with each judgement, I was creating

    a burial ground within me of all that I had

    deemed unacceptable and unholy.

    It is time for me to unearth my buried self.

    It is time for me to reclaim and dig out the passage

    between the humanness and the divinity that I am.

    I made it impossible for there to be a connection 
    between the human me and the divine me and the lower

    half of me has been screaming for my attention for years.

    I made it impossible to hear its screams, or at least

    I made it possible for me to ignore them.

    One step at a time, with a shovel of love, I will unbury and reclaim

    all of myself.  With open arms, I will welcome me home

    to my heart from its prison of hatred and shame.

    With apologies and songs of joy I will work, patiently,

    humbly and honestly, in order to create an opening within me

    so that there can be no more forced burials, only

    openness, love, compassion and tenderness.

    All that I shoved down is what makes me human.

    I am God’s perfect child, as a soul and as a human

    and so are we all.

    What have you buried within you? 

    How are its cries for help, for your love and compassion and acceptance

    manifesting in your life, in your health and in your body?

    Hear the cries my dear friends.

    It is time.

    Yes, it is scary, but it is time to hear it and to own up to the truth.

    You are divine.  You can’t hide it anymore.

    Your humanness is holy and I am here to tell you that you can’t bury it

    anymore.  Rise up and walk and open your arms to you.

    You are perfect and holy just as you are

    and you are your own perfect teacher.

    You have been willing to go through all of this just for you.

    It can’t be more perfect than that.

    Find your shovel and humility, they are right there

    in your heart.

    Let me know what you find.

    Much love to you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Literally overflowing with love

    A heart with lots of sparkly lights around it.
    Photo by Ugur Tandogan on Pexels.com

    Living with chronic fatigue syndrome is sometimes at odds with who I am.  I am a big hearted person who loves to connect with others, share hugs, give compassion and acknowledgement and more hugs.  Being chronically tired means that I can’t always do that because I don’t have enough physical, energetic or emotional energy to share.  I think that is actually the hardest part of it all.  The awesome gift in it all is that I have learned to be more discerning.  I carefully consider where, when and how to connect with others, so it is really meaningful for me and them.

    On Sunday, I got to be a backstage helper at the Kemptville Youth Musical Theatre Company’s production of Matilda.  My teen is in the show and it is truly spectacular.  I offered to help as a “den mother,” which meant that all I had to do was show up after the performance, help in the dressing rooms, and gently nudge the performers to tidy, put their costumes away and get out of there so everyone could get home to rest or celebrate.  I was really tired on Sunday, but I could feel my heart overflowing with love for these youth and the fabulous people who volunteered so many hours to give the youth this incredible, life-building experience.  I decided that I was going to go there, tired or not and be me, to the fullest extent of me.  I drove to the store, bought healthy juice and granola bars, and then waited excitedly at the theatre for the show to end so I could surround the performers with love, compliments, food and drink. 

    The amazing Matilda cast!!
    Photo by Jennifer Boggett Photography

    Honestly, seeing them all come backstage after greeting their adoring audience made me overflow and explode with love.  I could literally feel myself lighting up that narrow corridor and filling it with love, safety and joy.  The performers all had different reactions to my varying exclamations of, “I’m so proud of you, I’m Zara’s mom, I love you all and I brought you snacks and juice instead of being a strict den mother.”  It made me feel so good and I could see it uplifting them too. 

    I am constantly amazed at what happens when I give myself permission to be me, regardless of what other adults around me are doing.  I’m 43 and I felt more like my true self in that little hallway than I have in many other situations.  I really think the magic ingredient was that I allowed myself to be me, in all of my ridiculous joy, innocence and happiness.  It lifted me up for the remainder of the evening and really taught me something really important.  I feel my best when I am my authentic self.  I definitely got closer to getting a PhD in Being Me that afternoon.  Yay for that!

    I also want to acknowledge that I was my authentic self while I was showering everyone with lots of love and food, but I didn’t try to hide that I struggle with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety sometimes.  I still had some shy moments and I still had to sit on the floor for a bit to rest.  I loved it.  I was authentically all of me, no shame, no hiding, no trying to be someone else, I just actually brought all of me and I loved it.  I learned to love and appreciate all aspects of me even more during that experience.

    May you have many opportunities to witness your glory, no matter how much you may be struggling with certain areas of your life.  The ability to shine is so incredible, even for the shortest moments, especially if you are also struggling with overwhelm, despair or turmoil like I do sometimes.  No matter where you are at, I honor you. I celebrate you.  May you know how special you are and how worthy you are of being seen, heard and witnessed.  Every step, no matter how small, counts.  And it counts for a lot.  There is no rush at the school of PhD in Being Me.  There is no curriculum, no set lesson plan.  It’s just you, exploring life as you, and learning what makes you feel good, what makes you feel angry or unsafe and adjusting to give yourself more love and support. 

    Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Shattered Innocence

    A dead flower with snow in the background.
    Photo by Eva Bronzini on Pexels.com

    Sometimes life is just so disappointing, so much so that one’s heart breaks and it feels like all the good inside has died. This poem is about those types of day. As I wrote it, it felt very sad and angry. As I kept writing, I felt like my shattered innocence was giving me a different way to view those disappointments and shattering. Can you see the shift or feel in the poem too? Xoxoxo

    Thanks for reading!

    Shattered Innocence – a poem

    I greeted today with an open heart and much excitement.

    I try to approach every day like that, to be the one who brings love to the world, to the little moments, to every moment.

    It gets impossible though when life seems to want to crush that from within me.

    When it shares the most horrendous secrets of humanity with me and my innocence shatters and expires before I can even react to protect it.

    Humanity seems to have this festering abscess right on it’s heart and it’s wanting to burst open and ooze it’s putrescence over everything.

    I want to rage and scream and stop all of the suffering. I want to slap people and tell them to wake up, to stop, to appreciate life, to appreciate the good in it all. To see how much trauma, suffering and awfulness there is and to choose love. To stop spewing vile hatred and to start the healing.

    AAAARGHHHHH.

    Purest, delicate beauty.

    Tender innocence.

    Soft, gentle and caring heart.

    So perfect, so beautiful and so vulnerable to this world’s vile acts of hatred and suffering.

    Oh my tender, tender innocence.

    I wish I could protect you better, and wrap you up in a soft blanket, like I would a precious newborn, to keep you safe from all the suffering in this world.

    Now that we’ve reconnected, I don’t want to lose you all over again to the darkness and horrendous pain that is spewing out of humanity’s abscess of pain and torture and hatred.

    I see it pulsating and getting thinner just as it explodes sending shards of pain, torture and hatred everywhere.

    I want to shelter you, protect you and stop this hurting you feel.

    Is there anything I can do for you?

    Is there any way I can support you better when you are exposed to such negativity, suffering and unconscionable things?

    Oh, you want to be tucked into my heart for bedtime?

    You’d like me to read you a nice story and remind you of the good in the world?

    Okay, precious one, let’s do that. You are so beautiful, resilient and courageous.

    Please continue to teach me how to nurture you and look after you when you shatter.

    I’m so grateful to learn that the shattering isn’t permanent.

    Thank you for teaching me dearest innocence.

    Thank you.

    An early spring morning sunset
    After writing this, I felt renewed and ready for the day. Just like this beautiful sun rising up in the morning.

  • Unhinged

    A pink sunrise
    A pink sunrise

    Recently something inside of me has opened up.  Like there was this part of me I was keeping tucked away, in a locked box.

    I was just sitting outside in the sun when I realized that not only has the box been opened but it is unhinged.  In my haste to open it and rediscover lost parts of myself, I must have broken the hinges.  Thank goodness for that.

    The older I get, the less I want to be society’s version of who I think I should be, and the more the true, deep and authentic me is roaring to be free.

    Typically we think of ‘coming unhinged’ as a bad thing, but not in this case. I feel empowered about the hinges being broken. I feel like I have outgrown a really small cage and I am ready to prowl through more life with more fire, energy and passion than ever before. 

    Thank you box and hinges.  Without you, I wouldn’t get this sweet taste of liberation I am savoring today.  The irony is I think I am the one that boxed up and locked away these strong and powerful parts of myself.  I even remember the few times I chastised myself and buried the stronger, angrier parts of me.

    Today, I am more whole and am rejoicing in being unhinged. Today, I understand why I buried parts of myself and I am ready to forgive. Today, I stretch my limbs and feel a new drive, power and passion and I am content.

    With every moment of every day, may we all be blessed with the clarity, inspiration and courage to get a PhD in Being Me, and may we do so as authentically and gently as possible.

    With love ❤️!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • At the end

    Photo by Alan Cabello on Pexels.com

    At the end – a poem

    At the end

    I am emptied out

    I am numb

    I am a shell of myself

    Is this bad?

    Is this the true end?

    Or is this the end of who I used to be?

    Of how I used to relate to the world?

    All of this death, these endings, they keep leading me to a brighter, more true existence

    As the gentle, sensitive, loving and caring person I am

    Life is handing me my heart

    And it is bathed in the purest, most gorgeous light

    I can see it and feel its purity and brilliance

    All while everything within and around me is crumbling

    It is the façade of me and all I thought I should be

    All turning to rubble, cascading down my emerging self

    To reveal that gorgeous light

    My heart is beating irregularly, it senses the end

    May it also sense the new beginning

    The emergence

    Of me

    Glorious me

    Reborn at the same time as spring

    Ready to blossom and grow but still needing time to strengthen

    My stem before my leaves can reach and be nourished by that golden light that shines from above and from within me

    I am here

    At the end

    At the beginning

    Emptied out, only so I fill up once again

    With all the beauty and light that has been waiting for me

    To fill me to overflowing so I can share my abundant love with those who are withering, dying, crumbling and emptying out

    I am here

    I will sing out

    All is well

    Rest now and know that you too will fill up

    All in due time

    Be still my dear one

    I love you

    A note from me:

    Sometimes I hear the whispers of a poem inside of me and I hurry to the computer to help it come alive. Other times, I only hear it and don’t act on the whispers. I am grateful I acted on it this time. This poem gave me comfort and peace. It helped me understand life’s rhythms more deeply and allowed me to relax into them, instead of struggling against their tide. It also gave me more confidence, it helped me to realize that there is much freedom that comes from the emptying out and filling up. I realized that at the end, there is only another beginning. Wherever you are in life, overwhelmed, excited, depressed, happy, anxious or raging, I honor you. May these words bring you comfort as you live through life’s rhythms.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Reaching in, Reaching out

    Frost patterns on the wood of a deck
    Frost patterns that mirror the natural and raw beauty of what is described in my poem below

    Reaching in, reaching out

    I see an image of me reaching in.

    Reaching inwards to the depths of my being, reaching to find myself.

    I feel myself stirring, awakening and stretching.

    I hear the giant yawn that slowly turns into a growl, then grows louder

    And louder

    Until it roars with the joy of its awakening.

    I hear that roar and I smile. 

    I stand up straighter, taller and with more power coursing through my limbs.

    My smile broadens as I know that I am now more whole, stronger, more complete.

    I no longer feel like I’m reaching in, but instead, that I’m reaching out

    That my long lost self is reaching out to me, thanking me for my patience while it slumbered, rested, and built up strength for the next phase of my life.

    It is reaching out and upwards while simultaneously filling my entire being with its strength, power and wisdom.

    With every breath I take, may I feel more united with this gorgeous, wild and untamed part of myself.

    May I listen to its roar and its desires and hear its wishes.

    May I know that I am the soft whispers I have been feeling for the last several years and this incredible new roar that has emerged.

    Reaching in, reaching out.

    Whispering and roaring.

    Together once again, in and out.

    Whole.

     

     

  • Shedding more than just my skin

    A green and white striped snake curled up on a branch.
    Photo by Stephen Joel on Pexels.com

    Today, I feel like I am a snake who is getting ready to shed my skin. Except that I I don’t want to just shed my skin, I want to shed more.

    I want to shed my old, victim like ways.

    I want to shed this safe resting place that I have taken shelter and refuge in.

    I want to shed this fear and the echoes of trauma that keep calling and calling to me.

    I want to shed this little prison and its shackles so I can explore the rest of me, the rest of life, the entirety of my potential to grow, expand, shine and make a beautiful difference in the world.

    Here I am, like the snake in the picture, except, I have one eye open.

    That eye is looking outward, feeling the fire and rage within and it’s gauging if today is the day to shed it all.

    I take a deep breath in. I smile and roar within me and open both eyes and climb off that safe branch.

    I stretch as far as I can, both into and away from myself.

    I feel the layers of the old, flaking and crumbling off of me as I slither and stretch and climb up, and up, and up to a new view point on life.

    I start to feel more free, less encumbered, weighed down and trapped by the confines of my previous existence.

    I open my mouth and feel a roar coming up from within me. A roar that makes no sense because up until now I’ve been a roar-less snake who has been curled up, safe and protected from harm and from my past.

    But today, I have shed my old self and I am a lion. A proud, strong and gorgeous lion with a roar that shakes the trees and sends ripples into the oceans.

    A female lion roaring. Her eyes are closed and her mouth is wide open.
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    I am a lion, one who has walked the Earth for millennia, bringing new life, power and strength to all who see and hear me.

    I am a lion, fierce, proud, and scarred from battles but ready to stand strong and fight for myself and for those who are healing. The ones who are curled up and incubating in the echoes of their past until it is their time to shed the old and walk the Earth anew. Afire. Awash with their strength. Full of roars and power. Just like I am becoming today.

    Here I am Life. Hear me roar. I am Mighty. I am ancient and brand new. I am both a whisper and a mighty roar. I am it All, re-arisen from the ashes of my past, with a new body, new skin, new image, and new confidence. I am roaring and I am glorious.

    To those who can’t yet roar, I am here, roaring, prowling, and making the path clear and safe for you, for your emergence, for your shedding and for your transformation.

    For you and for us, I roar. In honor of our collective pain, traumas, and past, I roar. Peace be with you as you rest, incubate and heal. I will be here, ready to rejoice when we can roar together and set our world free.

    A close up of a male lion's face. He is beautiful, strong and fierce.
    Photo by Alexas Fotos on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Shutting down

    Image of a black swirling staircase
    Photo by Robin Schreiner on Pexels.com

    I shut down sometimes.

    Sometimes I shut others out.

    Sometimes it feels like I’m shutting myself out.

    Shutting down.

    Is it a healthy coping mechanism?

    No, I don’t really think so.

    Is it okay that I do it?

    Ya, I think so.

    Sometimes my computer just gets that loading circle right when I’m in the middle of doing something. I guess I’m like that sometimes too, I just need time and space to breathe deeply, to allow myself to process what’s going on and to fortify myself for responding to myself and life in the healthiest, most loving and respectful ways possible.

    Am I haunted by echoes of the pain of being shut out by others? Yes.

    Can learning to embrace my need to shut down help me look at that pain with more compassion, empathy and understanding? Yes.

    Here I am, smiling and knowing that it is okay, that I am okay, that I am doing great and that with each realization, the self-judgement lessens, the need to be this perfect person dissolves and I can breathe deeply, embrace my humanity, love the me I am, the me I was and the me I will be.

    May we all allows ourselves to be, to breathe, and to know that with every moment, we are learning, growing and exactly as we are meant to be.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.