I have heard that around and in my experience it is also true. I also think hurt people hurt the planet by throwing garbage on the side of the road.
I remember many years ago when I believed I was worthless and not precious or a treasure. I remember feeling empty and lost and like I didn’t matter. When I see garbage on the side of the road, I think about how much pain people must be in to do that.
The more I have healed and cultivated love for myself, the more I care for and respect our planet and all her creatures. I wonder if those who throw garbage on the ground do it because they don’t know how to love themselves or they don’t believe they are even loveable. It must be hard to care for the planet from that place.
In my experience of pain and self-hatred, I often acted in self-destructive ways. I think throwing garbage on the road is a big cry for help, as that person isn’t just being self-destructive but destructive of their environment too. In my little country town, I find lots of empty beer cans and cannabis packaging, which seems like an even bigger cry for love, support, help, acknowledgment, and validation.
If you are in a place where you are struggling with self-destructive behaviors or self-hatred, I see you. I am holding you in my heart and surrounding you with love. May you be blessed with an abundance of healing and love.
May every choice you make be healthy. May all of your decisions lead to your healing. May you know how worthy you are no matter how deeply you hurt.
Big hugs from my heart to yours!
We all need more love and support and less judgment
In my previous post, I wrote about being at the breaking point. It was a post overflowing with the rawness of emotion I was experiencing at the time. Writing that post gave me courage to be with myself when I was so angry, disappointed and violated. It helped me understand that I didn’t need to know what was coming next, yet.
Here I am a few days later and I am so grateful for this experience. It taught me that I am my own fiercest protector. In the face of disrespectful behavior, I rose up within myself to see it for what it was and to say enough. I was flooded with a whole spectrum of emotions, all of which I was able to embrace as completely valid. I didn’t have my next steps ready, instead I just gave those huge emotions space to breath and to guide me to what was next.
This is new territory for me because in the past, I just micro-managed myself, trying to fit into the mold of who I thought I should be. I’ve been unlearning all of that, and I am learning to live my own life, according to my rules, my beliefs, my values and my feelings. It is a gorgeously transformative process that has been incredibly beautiful, rewarding, and exhausting.
The next morning after writing that post, my next steps became clear. My limits and boundaries had been violated so severely and I was radiating with a giant, booming, “NO MORE,” in the cells of my body. I knew that I owed it to myself to follow those feelings and to make decisions that would allow me to be in a healthier, more respectful environment. In the past, I used to think I had to stay and suffer through it, or try to reason my way through abusive behavior, or make excuses for those being disrespectful. This may be the among the rare times when I heard the “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” scream within me and gave myself permission to act on it. May this be more of my reality going forward (and yours too if this resonates with you).
I’m learning how to be an expert in me, by working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and I took major steps forward during this experience. It felt holistic and pure and straight from within me. I didn’t look to others to confirm my next steps, I make those decisions from that inner roar and man, it felt so super good.
By Friday evening, I was exhausted and depleted and yesterday too. I know how much energy it takes to learn new ways of being and to follow ones instincts in a world full of advice, fads and ways of being. I rode those waves of exhaustion and made sure to praise myself for following my inner voice, for protecting my innocence, for knowing I was worthy of having my boundaries respected and for taking steps to make sure major boundary violations wouldn’t happen again. I was gentle with myself as I went through this and I am smiling while typing this. It feels very good to be learning to honor myself from the inside out.
If you are in need of gentleness, I support you. I am with you. I haven’t gotten to this place overnight. It has been a life long process, one that has been agonizingly slow at times. It is my hope that in sharing my journey, it will help connect you to what is best for you in your life. I would never dream of making any reader think that they need to do exactly what I am doing. Rather, it is my dream that you, dear reader, may be so full of love, inspiration and hope after visiting this blog that it makes your life easier and gentler.
May you follow the breadcrumbs of light that I am leaving behind as I walk, type and learn to live from my power. May they lead you to your inner voice and power. May you rise up within yourself, in your own way, to live your life from the inside out, in all of your brilliance and authenticity, despite anything you’ve ever been told about what is wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me. We are beautiful humans, being pushed to the breaking point, so we may see what’s on the other side.
Pssst, I have a secret. I think it’s only freedom, power and greater confidence. Look out world, here we come with songs of hope, torches of light and an abundance of love and healing.
A gorgeous sunset in Kemptville that reminded me of the glory and strength within the hearts of all
From 2015 to 2018, I was so deeply inspired by the massive spiritual and personal growth I was going through. I would often just be making a meal, sitting, or working and then I would be filled with some words that I just had to type out very quickly. As I understand it now, the divide between my inner wisdom and my awareness was getting smaller and I was being guided from within through these poems.
I remember the day I wrote Ambassadors the poem below. I was on my lunch break and I was going to start making myself some food. I was drawn to a notebook and I wrote out this poem and then just kept going on with my day. Later on when I typed it out, I realized how beautiful, deep and profound it was. If you have been going through any type of spiritual growth or awakening, may this bring you some comfort and guidance. Alternatively, if you have been working on finding yourself and living your true life, then may it also help you find what makes you feel your best.
My first heart pumpkin, it felt so right to put some love out on Halloween!
Walking Together – a poem
Hello my darling one,
I feel that my whole energy field is jangled and that there is a sensitivity on my skin because my nervous system is all out of whack.
How can I best help you dearest one?
You are so important to me, more than important than anything.
You matter to me like the Earth needs the sun and rain.
You matter to me like my inhalations and exhalations.
There is no me without you and I’m wondering how you are doing?
This is a really big change, a huge one. It’s one that used to shatter me into many pieces and it feels like that is happening again.
Oh, ya? Is that right? The shattering isn’t necessarily a bad thing? How is this shattering helping me do you think?
It’s giving me a chance to align myself differently with the world? To position myself from a place of confidence and authority, those positions that I have learned about and explored over the past several years?
Hmmm, that makes sense. What do you think I need to do to nurture myself during this shattering?
Breathe in confidence and breathe out doubt. Breathe in all the beauty that I am and smile for all that I thought I was that is now in millions of pieces on the ground.
Go outside, lay on the snow and smile and breathe deeply.
Here I am, I am here. As beautiful and vulnerable and cute as ever, but with a greater connection to myself and what matters to me.
Here I am, I am here, regardless of whether our foster dog is anxious, abused and recovering or not.
Here I am, I am here, precious, sensitive and in need of care.
Here I am, breaking the cycles of abuse within me and around me by daring to turn within to nurture myself and be with myself while I am processing, discovering, thriving and struggling.
Here I am.
I am here.
May I always be here for myself with every breath I take.
Note from me about this poem:
I wrote this poem in December 2022 shortly after we welcomed a new dog into our family. He was a stray dog and he had a lot of anxiety and trauma. I was completely overwhelmed by his needs at first and I wrote this poem to help me process what I was feeling. Lately, life has been giving me opportunities to approach circumstances differently than I used to. I felt very much like this was one of those times, but I wasn’t sure how to approach anything differently. Writing this helped me connect to that fear and overwhelm and gave my maturity a chance to rise up from the scattered pieces of myself to guide me. I love reading this again, it helps me. May we all be blessed with inspiration about how we can best help, guide, and support ourselves! Big hugs!! xoxoxo Bradlee
This photo reminds me of my wisdom and maturity coming up from within me, just like the sun rising above those beautiful clouds. This photo is from a gorgeous morning in Kemptville.
Lately I have been more acutely aware of how there is a lot more to me than I thought. I have been using the imagery of our solar system and all of the planets orbiting around the sun to help me.
When I am lost in thoughts and am overwhelmed, I feel like I am the planet Pluto; orbiting very far away from the sun, my source of life and energy. Many times, I recognize that I am very far from my source and I stop what I am doing to give myself some self-care and to take some deep breaths. I find that is often enough to help me shift away from Pluto’s orbit and to move to an orbit closer to the sun.
This is a big metaphor, but I think it’s actually really helpful! Imagine this:
My attempt to explain what I feel about the whole spectrum of my being
Note: I have learned that Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet, but I grew up with it as a regular planet, so I’ve opted to include it to be sentimental to my inner child.
Each day, I strive to connect to my centre, the Sun in my solar system, but that doesn’t always feel possible. On those days, I do my best to breathe deeply, to be gentle with myself and to notice what is on the path of my orbit that day, no matter where I am at in my “inner” solar system. Sometimes the way I feel is unpleasant, but I am learning that feeling that way isn’t wrong, it’s just necessary at times. Without those times of being so far from my centre, how would I be able to appreciate it when everything is in perfect harmony and alignment?
For example, last night I had one of the worst sleeps I’ve had in a long time. I love sleeping, it is enormously helpful and really necessary, especially with chronic fatigue syndrome. I was feeling so many aches in my body and I felt all out of sorts when I woke up. Instead of getting up and dreading the day, I decided to follow along with a progressive muscle relaxation and listen to a guided meditation for a positive start to the day.
As I followed along with those recordings for 20 minutes, I felt my body starting to tingle and get warmer. It was like my body was helping me to see that by starting the day with self-care, I was moving myself closer to my centre, which was nourishing and helpful.
I find the longer I spend getting to know myself, the more of an expert I become on being me. I like thinking that I am as complex as a solar system and that each planet and its orbit corresponds to a different aspect of who I am. I don’t think I’m only meant to feel as strong, powerful and life-giving as the sun all the time. In my experience, I grow and evolve so much when I am stuck in one orbit for awhile, even as much as I may not like what I’m experiencing while I’m there.
Another way to look at this metaphor is to know that we are truly complex beings. If we only focus on one aspect of our lives, we will be out of balance. There are times when we need to spend more time on our career, and others when family life is most important. I think that is great and all of it works, but in my experience, getting nourishment from all aspects of me is very important. I strive to come back to a balanced place as often as I can, especially when I feel that my inner solar system is out of alignment.
With every breath we all take, may we each feel, acknowledge and sense where we are in our individual solar systems and discern what we need to learn and experience, no matter where we are in our lives. May we all know what we need to return to our life-giving centre to nourish and strengthen us for the days ahead.
As an adult, I was living my life feeling like something was missing. I looked for it everywhere, but I couldn’t find it because I didn’t know what it was. I was a lovely, caring person but I felt unwhole despite the beautiful relationships I had in my life. I was super blessed and should have had every reason to feel grateful, happy and whole.
I went to Sat Nam Fest with my family in 2014 to listen to beautiful music and to be at a yoga retreat. I had never done anything like that before and it was quite the experience. The artists were just hanging out at the retreat in between sets and I had never seen anything like it. They were friendly, happy, smiley and they sang such gorgeous songs that melted some of the pain I was carrying in my heart.
I went down to the washroom on the basement level of the huge complex and I saw one of the performers at the drinking fountain. Her name is Ajeet and her music has been so deeply healing for me. You can check her out here: https://ajeetmusic.com. She was radiating goodness, light and the something that I was missing. I was in awe, but even with it right there in front of me, I still couldn’t name it because it was so lost to me. I said some words to her, she kindly smiled and replied and that was it. I felt like I had had some kind of holy experience, but I didn’t understand it.
A year or so later, she was on tour and she came to Ottawa. I bought a ticket for myself and was super excited. I even bought tickets to participate in a yoga workshop she led before the concert. As I was getting ready for the concert, I finally figured it out. I figured out what it was that she had that I was so dreadfully and painfully aware that I had lost, but hadn’t even been able to name:
Her innocence
Once I figured it out, I was very confused and deeply ashamed. I was ashamed that I had lost my innocence and I hadn’t even been able to put a word to it when I first witnessed it. I was so sad but also so grateful to have figured it out. I wanted to thank her for the huge gift she had given me by living with her innocence on full display. I felt embarrassed though and wasn’t sure how to tell someone about that, so I settled instead with writing it in a card. I very shyly kept it by my side during the concert and I ran up to her at the break and gave it to her, and said something cute like, “umm, I have a card for you.” Then I ran away. It wasn’t necessarily one of my shining moments but it was the best I could do after such a monumental discovery.
I have since reclaimed and reconnected with my innocence. I feel it within me every day. It is very nice. I am a very genuine, cute and sincere person and I can feel how I am leading with that every day. I am so grateful to Ajeet for leading the way and for my innocence that was so willing to resurface and take the lead. May my innocence light the way for others just the way Ajeet’s helped lead me home to mine. Sat naam to you all.
Do you ever feel like life has many layers and levels? Like it’s different when you live on the surface of the waters of your life, compared to the middle or even the deepest depths? Lately, I’ve been so aware of the difference. I will attempt to explain.
You know the bugs that swirl in a little tempest around your head on a hot summer day? They are very small, but they consume so much space and they are very unsettling. When I’m living on the surface of my waters, there are lots of little bugs that fly all around my head. Those little bugs are like all the swirling thoughts that take up so much space in my mind, body and heart. They make it so hard to concentrate on what is really important. When I remember to take a few deep breaths, sit down and consciously choose how to spend my time and energy, I start to sink deeper into the waters of my life. From that place, there is less noise and there are less distractions. It is quieter within me.
If I’m feeling really like I need to be replenished on the inside, I lie down for ten minutes or so, and I put my hand on my heart and the other on my belly. Then I just breathe and sink. The more I breathe, the more alive my body feels and the quieter it is inside of me. It’s like I have found the depths of my ocean and I am discovering new places, new insights, new viewpoints and new life.
Our planet has so many levels within it, and each one has different types of life forms. I don’t think I’m any different. When I’m on the surface of me, I am scattered, aimless and easily overwhelmed. When I settle into a middle place, I am calmer, more confident and more grounded. Other days, I settle so deep into myself that I feel like I am one of those bottom dwellers in the ocean that have their own glow to light their way. I can feel the light and love pouring out of me and I feel ready to change the world. I love being in that deep place. I love being around other people when I have reached my depths because I feel like I can give them the deepest love living within me.
On days when the chronic fatigue syndrome robs my body of any energy and my muscles, head and guts hurt from fatigue, I can still breathe deeply and reach my depths. Nothing can take those away from me. I am my depths no matter what. I can get there no matter what. I have tears in my eyes as I’m typing this because I had never really thought of it that way. I have control over how often I visit these beautiful unexplored caverns of goodness and light that are waiting to be explored. I don’t have control over how strong my chronic fatigue symptoms are, but I can control how easy I make it for myself on those tough days by making time and space for myself to rest easy within myself, deep below the surface.
If this posts resonates with you, I invite you to write out or think about how it feels when you’re on the surface of your beautiful life versus deep in the depths. If you’ve never felt the difference, I honor you and I invite you to lie down, put your hand on your precious heart and breathe. Even if nothing changes, I believe the depths will be easier to sink into with each time you show yourself you matter more than what’s happening on the surface. I love you no matter what you’re going through. From my heart and depths to yours, I see you.
Lately I have been feeling like I am in a process. I also realized that I am not always kind to myself as I go through this process. I don’t think cheese sitting on a shelf to age and become more flavorful judges itself. I also don’t think that little seedlings are hard on themselves before their stems are strong and firm. So, why am I hard on myself for being “in process”? Hmmm…good question.
The last month I have felt more vulnerable, more buried deep under layers of fog, like I couldn’t quite get to the sun behind the clouds. And for whatever reason, I started feeling like I shouldn’t be feeling that way, like there was something wrong with me for feeling that way. Just yesterday, I started feeling more strong and ready for life and I caught myself wondering what I did wrong over the past month that led me to feeling so unlike myself. I was blown away when I realized I was being quite hard on myself and judgmental too. If I had a friend going through a rough patch, I wouldn’t judge them and expect them to get over it…I hadn’t even been aware I was thinking of myself like that.
I feel very blessed though, because my heart gave me the image of a little seedling that is planted indoors in the early spring and needs to be hardened off before it can be transplanted to a garden when the last frost has passed. There is nothing wrong with the seedling for needing to harden, it’s just the process it needs to go through. Then I thought about aged cheese, and how there is nothing undelicious about unripened cheese, it just becomes a whole different cheese once it’s been aged long enough. So the next question is, what if all these times of feeling less than ideal are really just times of ripening, maturing and growth in my life and that after those times, I also feel better, more resilient, and more ready for life? I LOVE that idea, especially since it came straight from my heart into my awareness.
During that month of not feeling quite like myself, I tried cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, I did very light exercises for a few minutes at a time, I spent time outdoors, I rested and I did all kinds of things to show myself I was worth it and to see if I could feel better. None of those were miraculous cures. They all helped me, but none of them fast tracked me through the process I was going through. I think I just had to go through that process to emerge more mature, more resilient, more hardened off and ripened (to come back to my earlier metaphors). How beautiful is that? I don’t need to give up on myself when I’m having a hard time, but I also don’t need to rush the process, because the process is exactly what I need to go through.
May you be blessed with so much ease, grace and light as you go through your own experiences of the process of maturity!
Today, I realized that life is often given a second chance to thrive. This lavender plant looked dead when we transplanted it from my dad’s house 3 hours away to our yard. After a month, it is starting to come back to life. In the fall, we will trim it all back and see what happens next spring, maybe it will bloom everywhere once more.
I have been struggling with/working on improving my mental and physical health for the last several years and I often look to nature to help me cope. There are times when I feel like I may never have energy again (I have chronic fatigue syndrome). There are days when I feel like the happiest person ever, and others where I feel like I’m too tired to be anything but anxious. On the tough days, I find nature reminds me that everything is as it should be. I get so inspired seeing a plant that has nearly died come back to life. Here’s another example.
This is a little maple sapling that we planted 3 years ago. Other saplings have grown tall and thrived but this one has just stayed small. Earlier this spring, we thought it may be dead, but new life is forming from the roots and the tree is growing anew. That is how I like to think of myself, growing anew after a particularly rough few years.
In many ways, I have felt like a caterpillar in a chrysalis that is undergoing a massive metamorphosis before emerging as a butterfly. I think these two plants are beautiful and simple metaphors for how I feel too. I have been in a massive inner storm of growth, change, awakening and letting go and my old facade is dying and I’m waiting for my new exterior to emerge, just like the little lavender and maple. When I think of it like that, I can be more kind, patient and loving with myself. I see nature and people getting a second chance, and it reassures me that I am getting mine too.
May you be well and may you be inspired to see your journey reflected in the cycles of life in nature. Big hugs!
PhD in Being Me 