At some point during the last several years, I started looking down when I walked to make sure I wouldn’t trip or fall. I have been very delicate and vulnerable mentally and physically so looking down makes sense, even though I have been far from an age where a fall would have been catastrophic.
I knew I was doing this, but I hadn’t realized just how much that was reflecting how I felt in the world. How I needed to watch out, be careful and keep an eye out for potential hazards.
In the fall of 2025, I did an exercise my art therapist suggested to help me focus a bit more outward. I was nailing the “meeting my needs” bit and she suggested I look more broadly at my needs from a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social perspective. I wrote about my initial efforts with this homework in September https://phdinbeingme.ca/2025/11/10/boundaries/.
Since that time, I notice that it is easier to look up when I am walking. Easier to notice aspects of my life that have been neglected due to my health limitations. Easier to see more of me and life’s possibilities, even while I am unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome and mental health challenges.
And so, I am finding it easier to remember to look up and ahead, to remember that I am more than my tough days, and that I have survived each tough day so far, and I can do it again. I can work, slowly but surely, to create safety in my body, mind and heart and celebrate when I give myself kindness and compassion. I can write what’s in my heart because sharing stories matters and reminds us that we are all connected in our humanity, even if our experiences are different.
Wherever you are, whether you are looking down or upward, I send you smiles, care and kindness!
I’m 45 years old, nearly 46, and lately I’ve been thinking about how this is my life, right now, as I’m living it. Have you ever thought that? Like you notice that life is happening while you are living it and maybe you’ve not been enjoying it or fully present in it? Or perhaps not really noticing that it’s going by?
I looked at my hands, and they are older hands.
I looked at my legs, and they are older legs.
I looked at my face and hair, and realized that I was looking at 45 year old me, not the version of me I see in my mind.
It was really refreshing. I felt like I was being given another chance to step more into my life and appreciate it, myself, my body and all that I have lived to date. I started thinking of what I’ve done with my life and whether I am happy about it. I had just been having a hard week, so I was having these thoughts, and then I realized that yes, I am happy about my life. There have been some really hard parts, some awful parts, but overall, there’s been a lot of good and I’m very happy. What a gift.
I’ve had wonderful experiences, like running a half marathon in Ottawa, biking a full marathon in New York City, going on a hot air balloon ride with my hubby, being a lead in a play, performing at an open mic stand up comedy club (I rocked that!), moving to a new city for work, meeting my husband on the internet in 2005 (and he was the only guy I met because he was perfect for me!), becoming a parent, learning about breathing, connecting to my heart and how important writing is for my heart, and learning to make decisions that are in my highest and best good, like applying for disability leave from my work and recognizing that my health was no longer at a point where I could keep working.
It was really refreshing to think about the good, and that’s just the experiences. That says nothing about the absolutely incredible people I have met who have made a tremendous difference in my life! Yay for them! Thank you all so, so, so much!! They’ve taught me to love myself, be kind to myself and to celebrate the goodness that I am, and there’s a fair bit of that! I have the best laugh. Tee hee, it’s funny to write that about myself, but my laugh is really great. I laugh from my toes and I laugh loudly and it’s such a privilege. I can feel deep sorrow and I can laugh like something is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, a few times a day. I guess that’s me, I feel the highest highs and the lowest of the lows. Feeling is something I am pretty good at.
Well, writing a post about my life after just thinking about it is very refreshing. Thanks for reading and I hope this post inspires you to take a look at the good you are, the good you’ve experienced and to give yourself a hug from me for all the tough that’s been in between.
I am exploring boundaries in therapy and in my daily life. I have heard about boundaries a lot over the years, but hadn’t done a big exploration of what they are and aren’t in my life, why I need them and how they can help.
So far, I have identified what it feels like when:
My boundaries are violated
I don’t know what my boundaries are
I constantly have to defend and protect myself
I don’t feel safe or worthy to have boundaries.
These are important steps for me. Recognizing these feelings and realities is hard, but an important step in healing and understanding what I need going forward.
As a part of this, I am taking a look at my life’s bigger picture so I can make healthier decisions for myself. My art therapist had suggested that I look at the emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual big picture of my life so I can evaluate where I need to put more care.
She gave me a resource document with different questions to prompt my exploration of my bigger picture. I had a great time! I hadn’t realized how narrow of a focus I had until I started. And…it made me feel more empowered, which was tremendous. It helped me realize how unwell and sick I am and how it is important for me to keep learning new ways to take care of my physical and mental health.
I started the work at home, and then continued it by the Rideau River, which was inspiring and calming 💖.
My view sitting by the Rideau RiverMy feet, legs and notebook!The rocks and my self care, big picture chart
Wherever you are in your health journey and life, I send you lots of care and smiles. I am taking it one day at a time and its okay if you need to too. Big hugs and lots of care,
It is easy to not feel good sometimes. It is easy to amass all kinds of evidence about my shortcomings, failures and deficiencies. It is much harder, sometimes, to focus on all that is going well and all the good I bring to the world.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting by the creek where I live, and I was feeling down. It took me a few minutes to be still within myself, to even notice my surroundings. I felt how restless I was and decided to look at the water as a way of soothing myself. That was when I noticed how beautiful the sky looked reflected in the water.
I started looking up and down the creek to see the reflections.
No matter where I looked, it was so beautiful, clear and inspiring. I really started to consider how I could apply that perspective to my life. Yes, I was feeling down, no doubt about it, but those reflections gave me the courage to acknowledge what was good in my life, all while being kind to myself and respecting how I was feeling.
And so today, I am here, feeling grateful for my life, and the opportunity I have to notice my feelings and to write about them in this way. I am grateful that I am learning more about shame, and how worthless I feel sometimes, especially when I think I have failed in some way. I am grateful to have the word shame to help me understand what I have felt all these years. I am grateful for all the resources that are available to me to help me understand and care for myself even better. I am grateful for my breath and my body for helping me be more grounded when I am feeling unsafe or unworthy. I am grateful for the chance to smile at someone so we can share our humanity and connect, even just in passing. I am grateful for nature for inspiring me to have more compassion for myself.
When you look in the mirror today, may it reflect all the goodness you have within you so clearly. When you breath in and out today, may you feel safe, grounded and wholly accepted by yourself. When you think today, may your thoughts be filled with so much love and compassion for yourself.
Life can be tricky, hard, and unfair, and to balance that out a bit, may we all see reflections of our goodness, worthiness, and love everywhere we look.
Two seemingly opposing feelings, and yet, I have felt them both most of the week.
I wonder if that is how a birch tree feels? It is always growing, yet shedding its bark.
A beautiful golden birch from the back of our quiet, majestic forest
I learn a lot from nature. It is always teaching me how to relate to myself more kindly and how to interpret and understand my emotions and experiences.
This week, I witnessed a rare total solar eclipse and it was breathtaking. I felt all tingly and warm in my body and I felt my soul being held, nurtured and inspired during the 2 minutes of totality. And yet, afterwards, especially the next day, I felt more delicate, disappointed and angry. While those emotions were arising, I was also rejoicing in the total beauty and awesomeness that I felt from the totality. It was like I was being opened up to release some hurt while also celebrating the gorgeousness of what I witnessed.
This theme continued throughout the week. For example, I was grieving the loss of innocence I experienced as a result of traumatic events in my life, and yet, somehow, I was also celebrating my awareness of the impacts of those tough times, which lessened my inner load and helped me feel more free and empowered.
Also, yesterday I had the honour of volunteering at and attending a local youth musical theatre production of The Little Mermaid that my teen and 28 other super talented youth performed. I was filled with joy and awe as I listened as a young actress sang as Ariel. Her voice was so heavenly, I literally felt like I was being blessed and filled with love as she sang. It was truly incredible. I was rejoicing in the abundance of talent, dedication, and overall fabulousness of everyone involved.
This morning, I am still revelling and rejoicing but also mourning. I remember when I was younger and I played so many sports and participated in so many activities. Having chronic fatigue syndrome gives me many opportunities to rejoice in the healthy and wise choices I make to take care of myself. Conversely, I also mourn the loss of energy I used to have. I volunteered yesterday and it was so much fun, but it’s not something I can do often because of my limited energy reserves. Mourning what I miss out on feels healthy, despite it being sad that I can’t, especially with my big, caring heart, do or help as much as I’d like.
I learned this week that rejoicing and mourning are not mutually exclusive. What a beautiful gift this week has given me. I can celebrate the majesty of nature and the tremendous, heavenly gifts of the youth in my community, all while grieving my past and present, and celebrating all the healthy decisions I make to care for myself.
May you be blessed with so much gentleness as you experience all the richness and depth that life has to offer.
Big hugs, Bradlee
A collection of photos from one of my walks in the forest this week. The forest looks different with each passing day of spring, just as I keep growing, shedding the old, and blossoming anew.
I had dreams of becoming a motivational speaker for the last several years. I could see myself on a stage, talking to people, and sharing love, compassion, funny stories and the deep, messy and rawness of being a human.
This afternoon though, I realized that my dreams have changed. I no longer want to be a “motivational speaker;” rather I want to be a “compassionate speaker.”
Life is hard sometimes, and we can feel isolated and alone while we navigate those times, whether it’s days, weeks, months or years long. I think what people need more of these days is someone to hold space for them while they go through the worst in their lives. Someone to see them, witness them, and honour them with care and compassion.
That is my new goal, and I wanted to share about it in my first post in quite awhile. I really feel like the temperature has been turned up, literally and figuratively, on our planet, and now more than ever, we need to offer ourselves, and those around us, more compassion, grace and care. It isn’t always possible to do this, and that is where a “compassionate speaker” may assist and remind us all of what we need and what we can do to care for ourselves.
Matt Kahn, spiritual teacher and “I love you guy,” has really taught me how to do this through his free videos, books and workshops, and I am forever grateful. I would love to help others in the way he’s helped me.
Maybe I will experiment with some short videos in my future posts about what being a “compassionate speaker” may look like for me. At the same time though, I acknowledge that I try to write every post from that place, so maybe it’s just I am shifting in how I identify with what I offer, from my heart to yours ♥️.
May you be well and may you be blessed with deep compassion.
Today is the last day of 2023, and I am feeling self-reflective.
I have long wanted to write about how the view outside of my front window changes depending on the time of day and the weather and season. The photo above is from early in the morning last week. I awoke to a warm pink glow through the curtains and I jumped up to grab my camera to capture the spectacular glory that I got the honour to witness.
The same view on a different morning
This photo is of the same view on a different day and is still lovely. The changing view reminds me that I don’t have to expect myself to always be the same. I may be able to shine my light brightly one day, and other days, it may still be bright, but shining at a different intensity, or perhaps more inward.
I love how the view outside my window teaches me to treat myself with more compassion and gentleness. I don’t expect the view out of my window to be the same every day, so why would I expect that of myself?
Even in the early, early morning, the view out of my window is spectacular. May that help us all to know how lovely we all are, even on days where we don’t feel our best or things aren’t going the way we hoped or needed them to.
We learn different things through all the ways we feel and show up each day, and none are better or worse. They just are.
The same view very early on a different morning
So whether you are ready to seize the last day of 2023, or if you just want to stay in bed, you are lovely.
Whether this has been a disastrous or painful year for you, or if you’ve had some fun through the hard times, I see you.
No matter the changing landscape of circumstances and feelings in your life, you are very worthy of being seen and validated.
May the changing view out your window remind you that change is guaranteed in our lives.
May we all relax into change more freely and let go of judgment and expectations around who we should be at any moment and rest in how we are, with self-respect, love and care.
Fall is a time of transition for nature and for us. May we learn to meet our needs with love and compassion whenever we’re in transition.
It’s been over a month since my last post. That’s the longest I have gone without writing. In truth, I missed it. In reality, I needed to meet myself where I have been at, and take some steps towards greater self-care.
How does one even go about meeting oneself where they’re at? In my experience, it means recognizing my circumstances and my feelings and noticing how I am doing. For example, in the past month, even checking my social media felt beyond my capacity, let alone posting or commenting on anything. I also noticed that I was more easily anxious, angry and overwhelmed. Those were all cues that helped me to know that I needed to make some adjustments.
I tried talking about my feelings more, taking more baths, getting into bed earlier, watching more fun shows, and reading more, too. I also tool more breathing breaks throughout my days, and cheered myself on. Those all helped me through, but I could tell that more was needed. It was almost as if the transition to fall was making all of my leaves fall off, and I needed to rest and be still during this time of change. I’d also been feeling like so many unconscious behaviors were coming to the forefront of my days, and it was uncomfortable and messy.
Meeting myself where I am at. That’s been me the past month, and I am proud of myself for making efforts to make my days gentler during this time of transition. Do you feel the need to meet yourself where you’re at, instead of forcing yourself to be somewhere else? If yes, I invite you to join me and explore your needs, one healthy choice at a time. Big hugs!
Image of me flexing my muscles in celebration of finding strength within me
Sneak peek: loving video at the end of this post!
Since I started getting progressively more tired with chronic fatigue syndrome, I thought I was getting weaker. It can be easy to associate any condition or change in abilities with weakness. I felt the same about how anxious I was getting over the years. It turns out I was wrong. Learning to cope with challenges and unexpected realities creates strength and resilience, not weakness.
For a long time, I hid how tired I was, and I didn’t talk about how hard it was, even with my doctor and naturopath. I felt this absurd need to downplay my symptoms. Through many hardships in my personal and professional, I learned just how much shame I was experiencing. I think I needed to soak in that shame so I could find my self-worth and rise up despite my diagnosis. I feel like I could write a book about this subject and I really hope to in the future. There is something so magical about struggling and suffering yet finding one’s way through. It is so beautiful and inspiring, and I hope to uplift and support others by sharing deeply about my struggles to embrace, accept, know, and love myself.
I had so many loving and supportive people who validated me, even when I didn’t think I was good enough. My family first helped me see that I am physically and emotionally strong even though I am always tired. They supported me through the shame and unworthiness I felt about it. My beautiful friend Jana helped me with that, too, when I easily moved a heavy umbrella stand. And Georgette coached me through the fears I had about taking big steps to reclaim my power. K taught me that there are cycles in life and that it’s okay not to give 100% all the time. I remember how incredibly powerful their help and support was. I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and colleagues who loved and appreciated me for me, regardless of how tired or anxious I was (or am). I hadn’t recognized how small, not good enough and incapable I felt just because I am chronically exhausted.
With every supportive and encouraging word from family, friends, colleagues and that I learned to give to myself, I started reclaiming my worth and my physical and emotional strength. Learning to honor myself and my precious body has been life changing for me, too. Developing my self-worth has helped me make healthier and more confident decisions in my life, including recognizing and enforcing boundaries, eating ways that give me more energy and other healthy habits. Tremendous good has come out of having chronic fatigue syndrome. Through perceiving myself as weak, I have found true strength, what a beautiful gift. My strength still wavers at times, but now that I have found it, I won’t lose it again.
Even though we face challenges in life, whether they are imposed on us by society or not, whether they are temporary or permanent, physical, mental, emotional, or financial, or the result of longstanding systemic racism and oppression, we are still strong. Challenges of any kind don’t make us weak. If anything, they make us more resilient.
May we all rise up and reclaim our inner power and strength and dissolve all barriers so we may have true equity, unity, harmony and acceptance within our hearts, bodies, minds, societies, cultures and countries. May we all be blessed to have loving and supportive people to share our lives with too!
In closing, I am sharing a video with a special message and some deep breaths from my heart to yours ❤️.
A short video to anchor the message of finding strength, self-love and self-worth especially through challenges
Note: I have not suffered the effects of systemic racism and oppression as a white, cisgender woman of Lebanese and Italian ancestry. I wanted to include reference to those who deal with that on a daily basis to honor their strength and resilience. And to highlight my commitment as an ally who is learning and applying what I learn each day. May those oppressive and racist systems be completely transformed and resolved for the well-being of all humanity.
PhD in Being Me 