Rejoicing and Grieving

Rejoicing and grieving.

Two seemingly opposing feelings, and yet, I have felt them both most of the week.

I wonder if that is how a birch tree feels? It is always growing, yet shedding its bark.

I learn a lot from nature. It is always teaching me how to relate to myself more kindly and how to interpret and understand my emotions and experiences.

This week, I witnessed a rare total solar eclipse and it was breathtaking.  I felt all tingly and warm in my body and I felt my soul being held, nurtured and inspired during the 2 minutes of totality.  And yet, afterwards, especially the next day, I felt more delicate, disappointed and angry.  While those emotions were arising, I was also rejoicing in the total beauty and awesomeness that I felt from the totality.  It was like I was being opened up to release some hurt while also celebrating the gorgeousness of what I witnessed. 

This theme continued throughout the week.  For example, I was grieving the loss of innocence I experienced as a result of traumatic events in my life, and yet, somehow, I was also celebrating my awareness of the impacts of those tough times, which lessened my inner load and helped me feel more free and empowered.

Also, yesterday I had the honour of volunteering at and attending a local youth musical theatre production of The Little Mermaid that my teen and 28 other super talented youth performed.  I was filled with joy and awe as I listened as a young actress sang as Ariel.  Her voice was so heavenly, I literally felt like I was being blessed and filled with love as she sang.  It was truly incredible.  I was rejoicing in the abundance of talent, dedication, and overall fabulousness of everyone involved. 

This morning, I am still revelling and rejoicing but also mourning.  I remember when I was younger and I played so many sports and participated in so many activities.  Having chronic fatigue syndrome gives me many opportunities to rejoice in the healthy and wise choices I make to take care of myself.  Conversely, I also mourn the loss of energy I used to have.  I volunteered yesterday and it was so much fun, but it’s not something I can do often because of my limited energy reserves.  Mourning what I miss out on feels healthy, despite it being sad that I can’t, especially with my big, caring heart, do or help as much as I’d like.

I learned this week that rejoicing and mourning are not mutually exclusive. What a beautiful gift this week has given me.  I can celebrate the majesty of nature and the tremendous, heavenly gifts of the youth in my community, all while grieving my past and present, and celebrating all the healthy decisions I make to care for myself.

May you be blessed with so much gentleness as you experience all the richness and depth that life has to offer. 

Big hugs, Bradlee

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