When things get hard in my life, I feel an internal bracing. My abdomen gets tight, my muscles get more contracted, I start to hunch my shoulders a bit and I prepare for the worst. And to top it all off, I do my best to hold myself and everything to do with those hard circumstances together with my will and my mind.
Phew, that is exhausting. By paying more attention to my body, I’ve been acquainted with how much my physiology adapts to hold everything in and together. I can also recognize that pattern in my mind too. And what happens next is I try to stay ahead of those feelings and those life circumstances to make sure they can’t catch up to me. Or I lock them away so I can’t feel them at all.
These are protective behaviors that have served me well in the past and they helped me get through a lot. But as I learn more tools and about how trauma works, I want to help ease those behaviors and implement the new ways I’m learning to cope with life. Holding it all together is really like trying to dam up a river like in the image at the start of this post. It takes a lot of work to maintain that, and I want to lighten my internal load as much as possible to see if it may lessen my symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome.
And so, with kindness, awareness and compassion, I recognize my protective patterns, breathe deeply into my belly and learn what I need to feel safer as life keeps me on this super fast train of learning through a lot of challenges in a short period of time.
On good days, I see those challenges as opportunities to grow and evolve and choose differently and on more tired days, I feel overwhelmed and pulled under by the demands.
One day at a time, one moment of deep breathing, kind words and self-soothing behaviors at a time. I will loosen my grip, I will release my need to hold tight and I will be compassionate to one who still feels like she needs to hold on through difficulties.
It’s easy for me to get caught up in the day to day and lose sight of my growth and healing. I have been off work for a year and a half to take care of my physical and mental health. I recognize that I am not well enough to work, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t healed, grown and rested during this time.
If I have a tough day with big time symptoms or fatigue, it’s even easier for me to forget how far I have already come. And so today, I am acknowledging and celebrating my wins. They are very important, even if my life can still be difficult.
The brain retraining/nervous system rehabilitation program I am participating in is helping me. When I first started in November, I was so triggered reading the materials and watching the videos, so I took very baby steps. My capacity for learning, doing the exercises and holding space for myself has hugely increased. Yay! I am still going slow and checking in with my body, and that feels really healthy. It’s one way I am working on my PhD in Being Me, tuning in to myself and my needs instead of rushing to complete the next training level if I am not ready.
I am getting better at making choices that honour where I am with chronic fatigue syndrome instead of forcing myself onwards when I know it will negatively impact me.
I am better able to tell when I need to speak up about a boundary or if my boundaries have been violated.
I feel less choiceless in my every day life.
I am more compassionate with myself and others.
I am feeling less responsible for the world and the people I care about.
I really like doing somatic work, and I get a lot of ease and relief when I do it.
I can sometimes notice when I am dissociated, numb, or frozen and can give myself extra love.
I better understand different feelings in my body and what they are signaling. I am also learning to ride through the panic I feel when the toughest ones arise. I did that yesterday with a tool and gosh, it helped so much.
I am able to put the tools aside and just be as I am, like today 💕.
My plan is to publish posts about some helpful tools I have been learning about and strategies I am figuring out for myself. I hope these future posts empower me and any reader who may benefit. Life can be beautiful, but challenging, and I love learning about ways to navigate the challenges in healthier ways 🌸🌸.
Thanks for reading, may you be well and may your intuition be strong and clear to support you!
Me and my new style of art with ferns, Ferns in Northern Lights, with a loving message at the bottom.
I have been stressed lately. More like STRESSED lately. A few upsetting things happened all at once, and they all had elements of uncertainty. Because I have chronic fatigue syndrome and a form of PTSD, any bit of stress really exhausts me and throws my tiny sliver of balance right off.
The more I’ve learned about trauma, the more I can feel, notice and see the impacts that stress has on my physical health. I have also learned that some of the ways that I’ve been coping with stress and difficult situations have had a negative impact on my health.
I realized yesterday that I could use this latest batch of life events as a way to practice using my new tools and awareness from therapy and the Primal Trust program I am following.
When I was talking to my therapist last week, she was so compassionate and helped me understand just how much I was dealing with. That made it safer for me to get to know some of my feelings, instead of keeping them locked away and compartmentalized for another time. I hadn’t even realized I was doing that. What started out as an amazing protective strategy that has helped me through many challenges is now going to keep me sick and make me sicker because it’s keeping the stress alarm ringing in my body.
My therapist asked me several questions to ask my belly, where I was experiencing the most discomfort. That gave me a chance to tune in, listen and give myself the gift of my own presence. It was really nurturing and it freed up the emotions to flow. I was really scared and I got to actually feel it, as opposed to being disassociated with my feelings. It was very healing.
That was a week ago. The last few days, I noticed that I was ahead of myself. I could literally feel my energy in front of my body instead of in it. I wasn’t sure what to do about it, but I recognized it was another protective strategy keeping me out of my body so I didn’t have to feel everything that was so scary and upsetting. I knew I needed to try something different, so I sketched out what I was doing. It was helpful to see a visual of it.
My sketches of what I was feeling inside as I explored how to handle the new challenges and the emotions they brought up
After I sketched these, I had a good cry and I talked to my husband about how I needed to experiment to find healthier ways to take care of myself through this latest challenge. That was helpful too.
This morning, I started at page 1 of my Primal Trust 40 day “Daily Regulate” program, and it helped me so much. Sometimes starting back at the beginning gives me a chance to see the same material from a new place and from a different perspective.
The first day is about the chronic stress response and how to address the nervous system instead of focusing on symptoms. It teaches about closing the eyes, putting a hand on the heart and asking questions like, “what am I feeling inside my body right now?” and “what am I thinking about that.”
I started my morning with this practice and I started crying right away after reading the first question. It was such a relief to read that question and to know that it was an important step in identifying my needs and feelings. It gave me a chance to tune in and be present with myself.
I think it was such a powerful practice because I was out of my body or my feelings were out of reach and the first question brought my awareness right into my body. It feels good to use this latest challenge as a chance to do things differently, to treat myself with more care, compassion and kindness and to ask for greater help and support as I go through this time.
Inhale. Ahhhh, exhale. Yes, I can do this. It will still be hard, but it will be easier as I take care of myself in new ways instead of just reacting from old stress patterns.
There is so much potential growth and healing in challenges, like creating new art that helps me process my emotions. The fern below is called Anxiety. It was painted with colors that I associate with nausea and being twisted up in knots inside. And it’s spiky because I used a rough brush and I love how rough the parts are outside of the fern. And the hollowness of the fern echoes that emptiness that can come inside from feeling overwhelmed by life.
And so, there it is. A chance for me to do things differently. To take care of myself. To connect with my body. To externalize my feelings through my words, art and asking for help. To know that I am worthy of taking care of myself and that it’s okay to feel scared and physically uncomfortable. I can be there for myself. Each day will be different, but even small efforts will make an impact.
I wish you so well and may you connect with what helps you through life’s challenges. Big hugs and thanks for reading, 💕💕 Bradlee
Last week, I was trying a new somatic practice, and it was helping me. I became aware of myself thinking, “maybe this is it! Maybe this is the thing that will finally help me get better.”
I have thought that thousands of times over the past several years of figuring out how to live with chronic fatigue syndrome. To be honest with myself, I haven’t just been trying to live with it, I’ve been trying to get over it, over and over again.
That awareness the other day helped me realize that deep inside me I am still caught in the trap of trying to get over myself and hurry up and get better. I’ve made lots of progress in being kinder and more compassionate to myself instead of always taking a deficit and fix myself mindset, but I guess there is always room for improvement!
I started reflecting on all I’ve done for myself over the years and I settled into a new knowing: I am what I’ve been looking for. It’s my dedication to myself, my willingness to grow and explore my inner world, to ask for support and to follow my intuition about what is working and what isn’t and what speed to journey at.
Maybe it doesn’t matter that I’ve been unwell for so many years. Maybe it just matters that through it all, I’ve been here, willing to keep experimenting to show myself that I am worth it. That I am allowed to be exactly as I am and that I can also keep learning to help myself in new ways that will cumulatively surround and fill me with care, love, compassion and healing, regardless of any outcomes. It’s me. It’s not the tools. It’s me. I am the one. I am it.
Hmmmm, that feels good. I value and treasure myself and my life and I am living in ways that show myself that. So if the latest practice helps me feel a bit better and less exhausted, awesome. If it doesn’t, or I need something else, I will adjust and pay attention to my needs. Yes, that is nice. I like it. No blame, no shame, no hurrying, just settling in to being me, exactly as I am, in this moment and tuning in to see what I need.
I wish you all the best in attuning to your needs too! May you see and acknowledge the good you do for yourself and may you be inspired about what unmet needs you may have and how you can go about meeting them (that’s my plan for today 🥰🥰).
You are so very special and important to me. I am sitting outside as the sun is setting and I thought of writing you all a letter to let you know how awesome you are and have always been.
You were such a sweet, innocent and excited child. Sensitive, easily overwhelmed and confused by the ways of the world, but no less precious for it. From the beginning you were someone who could sense the undercurrent in life and you wanted to help others who felt it like you did. I’m still like that now, I hope you’d be proud of the person I’ve become.
You really loved being at school – you were good at it and you had such wonderful friends. All the schools you went to helped you feel like you belonged and you mattered, thank goodness for that. I remember how in elementary school you would get everyone to sing songs on school trips. I remember your first kiss with Mark and how the whole school was talking about it. You were tough when you needed to be, but very soft, caring and sensitive, and confused about how to make things work with friends, with young romances and how to get things right so you could feel safe.
I remember the heartbreaks of a boy, Chris, choosing Sonia over you. I remember going to a different high school than my good friends and thinking that meant they didn’t like me any more. Oh, how young life was confusing, but the truth is, it still is. I’m 46 and the difference is that I have more experience now, but life is still complex.
Gosh, so much time has passed. You’ve had so many incredible opportunities and friendships and some very deeply traumatic times. Please know that thanks to you, and everything you’ve learned, overcome and experienced, I am the person I am today. I treaure and appreciate you. Thank you for everything you went through. Thanks for all the hard lessons you learned. Thank you for leading with your values even before you knew that you were.
I think of all the me’s who came before and I am grateful for you all. The one who was exhausted but signed up for a work opportunity anyway, which ended up leading to a 24 year career (with parental and disability breaks) in another city. The me who was so fed up with dating loser guys and signed up for match.com, and found the love of her life. Well done, you! The one who trusted her intuition time and time again while parenting, despite all the pressures and advice from many different corners. The one who knew it was time to apply for disability leave even though she was scared, my goodness, thank you.
To the me who recognized how shy she was and decided to perform at an open mic night at a comedy club just to prove to herself that she didn’t need to be shy. And you killed it! That was awesome! To the me who wrote a poetry book about grief to raise money and awareness in her community and loved it so much that she co-created a second book with members of her grief community as a caring resource. All while being exhausted, but it filled me up in ways that were so so welcomed and needed. Nicely done!!
You have so much to be proud of. I know things have been hard and it’s easy to focus on that, and this letter is my way of celebrating all the greatness and goodness that has been there through the hard times. You are so incredible at uplifting others and helping them feel seen, I hope this letter makes you feel the same. You are very worthy of being seen. Your words matter. Your life matters. You matter, and I love and appreciate you.
Thank you for getting me to here, I’m so excited for what’s next. I raise a glass to all the me’s who came before and ask you all to join me in moving forward together, more healed, whole and integrated than ever before. Here’s to us!
It’s hard to describe just how much I’ve blamed myself for being unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome. And for how many years, I didn’t even believe I was sick, just that I was tired, and if I could just do the right things, then I wouldn’t be so tired.
I’ve been on disability leave from my work for over a year and I’m still exhausted most days. And my leave was just extended for up to another year. It was only in the last few weeks that I realized, hmmm, I think it’s okay for me to say that I’m sick, not just that I’m so so tired.
The more I learn about trauma, the more the way I have treated myself makes sense. In a way, I’ve been gaslighting myself, not really understanding that I was doing it, or how harmful it really has been. Or that I was repeating patterns of how I’ve been treated as an innocent and unconscious way of keeping myself safe.
I’m navigating the dark depths of my life and what I’ve survived, and the more I navigate, the more I see, understand and relax. And the more I understand that I haven’t done anything wrong. I am sick. I am unwell. And that’s okay. It’s even okay if I never get better. But it’s also okay if I do. None of this is my fault, or is as a result of something I should have done better or differently. It just is.
This morning, I was so tired and I just felt myself laugh and know that I couldn’t keep blaming myself or working so hard to find the one thing or combination of things that will heal me. Instead, I embraced myself, how I feel, where I’m at and the exhaustion, took a bath, and am now going to do whatever most meets my needs throughout the day. And that will be enough. And it’s not wrong, in fact, it’s a gift. To have the time and space to learn how to take care of my deepest needs so that I can rest, rejuvenate and heal. And whether I get better or not, I know I’ll be okay, because I already am despite it all.
I can do this and I believe in myself. I will likely need to reread these words and relearn this lesson a few times, and that’s okay. I’m tired. I’m unwell. I need rest and healing. I am not doing anything wrong and I’m doing okay, just as I am. And I am okay.
May your heart guide you and may you see the good you are despite all you’ve already survived and endured.
Instead of getting all riled up by my feelings, like I was earlier today, I wondered if it would help me to think of them like a little “check engine” light. Nothing personal, nothing to fix, get over, analyze or heal from, but an indicator that some care is needed.
If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I have been writing about my changing relationship with my most complex and challenging emotions and feelings. I am learning how to allow my feelings, how to stay present with them, and to feel them as opposed to focusing on the events from my past that they likely stemmed from.
So, this metaphor came to me tonight. What if resentment, for example, is like a “check engine” light or a “check oil” light. One that reminds me that I need care (not a car service, tee hee). And that likely I have been sacrificing myself or not meeting my needs. That seems pretty simple. I felt some serious resentment over the smallest thing this evening before I realized that the last few weeks have been challenging and I needed rest. When I thought of it this way, I didn’t feel as angry and resentful, but instead, it was super easy to tell myself I had done more than enough today and that I should lie down and watch TV. It made a big difference to my experience of those big feelings. It gave me a bit of separation from them and made me feel mature, grounded and able to take care of myself.
This realization helped me acknowledge more deeply that I haven’t been feeling great all week, and that I have been doing an excellent job experimenting with how to care for myself during this stressful week. It’s easy for me to feel like a victim, and choiceless, but in writing this post and reflecting, I see that through small actions and choices this week, I showed up for myself, even when I got super triggered, exhausted and overwhelmed.
I am open to exploring those big emotions as a “check engine” light that is here to help me meet my needs in each moment. Tonight, I need to get into bed early, read and go to sleep!
I am different lately. Turning 46 has been a big one for me. I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around. My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.
I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time. I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years). I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that.
I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country. I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come. I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.
I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life. I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.
I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country. I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs. None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46. My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief. Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long? I wonder 🌸🌟.
Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done. You have made it. No matter what the future holds, I am with you. Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all. Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it. I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.
Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings. Sometimes I distract myself. But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.
I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes. I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here. I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away. I am here.” Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat.
That makes a lot of sense to me. I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s. It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others. It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it. I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious. It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.
Ah, hindsight, eh? The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me. So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.
As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:
I am here for you and with you. You are welcome here.
I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
I love you and I am here. Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?
The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments. Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion. I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.
I look forward to sharing an update in the future.
May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee
Falling into life with open arms and a big yes in my heart
How beautiful is that image! Gosh, I love it! I painted that about a year ago, when I had been processing some big emotions and then I felt so free, like I could say yes to life. I felt like I was falling deeper into life with my arms wide open and the love was exploding out of me. It is such a beautiful and compelling visual for me.
I definitely don’t feel like that every day, not by any means. I sure would love to, as I remember times in my life where I felt safe to be me and how incrediby liberating it was. I’ve been through a lot and I’m learning more about the chronic stress response and the impacts of trauma, and my struggles make a lot more sense. It feels amazing to understand myself more, which is allowing me to relax more into being me with more compassion, kindness and patience.
I’m part of a program (primaltrust.org) that helps people with chronic illnesses learn about the chronic stress response and how they can take an active role in creating more safety in their body and nervous system. This past week, I am learning more about brain retraining and how with simple, micro-practices, over time, I should be able to build more safety, instead of mainly feeling, “I am not okay, this isn’t safe, etc.”
I got really excited about this practice where I get to focus on a “true self” proclamation. The idea is that I think of a time where I felt the most free, and imagine a world where I have always been supported, always allowed to be me, and completely free to be me, with no limits, boundaries or restrictions. And then describe what I feel like, in my truest self, in a few words. The idea is to reconnect with that essence and know that this part of me is what is leading me to greater healing and freedom.
Aparently by writing it out, speaking out those words, and saying them to myself in the mirror at least once a day can really help me have a stronger foundation for brain retraining. And it will probably help me feel more confident, even on days where I’m not feeling my best symptom wise.
I got excited learning about this mini-practice, and the painting above came to mind right away. I thought it would solidify this exercise for me to write about it on my blog.
I am kind
I am compassionate
I am powerful
I am free
I am full of light and love
I am strong
I feel happy thinking of these qualities that are within myself even when I am struggling with symptoms from my physical and mental health struggles. It makes me feel like I am supported from deep down, and that I am not alone in my life. If I had done this 15 years ago, I would not have been able to come up with this list by feeling into it. I was so closed off, so hurt inside and so lonely, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine my true self, or find words to describe it.
And so, if you’re there today, I send you a big hug. Primal Trust encourages people to think of a time when they felt most free or if they can’t find one to make it up for this micro-practice (apparently imagination and visualization are super helpful for brain retraining, I still have more to learn about it before I share anything more). Wherever you are in this moment is perfectly valid, and I say the same to myself! We all need to start somewhere, and our journey to healing is unique to each of us, but our humanity unites us and allows us to learn from each other’s experiences.
Thanks for reading, may we all get to know our true selves and feel supported by their qualities 🌸🌟🌸💖, Bradlee
PhD in Being Me 