PhD in Being Me

Tag: Self-Love

  • What it feels like (for me) to have chronic fatigue syndrome

    Mixed media art, with a pencil and marker drawing of a sleeping woman, surrounded by colorful fabric in soothing colors, wooden birds, puffy pink hearts.
    Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being

    It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome.  It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion.  It is much deeper than a lack of rest.  It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels. 

    Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too.  There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖.  I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.

    For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady.  Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at. 

    Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can. 

    There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food.  Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it.  Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.  

    Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat.  If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed.  If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards.  I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance!  As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party!  Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.

    Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help.  That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this!  I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me.  I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself. 

    Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles.  The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity.  I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome.  How about that!  I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years. 

    Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day.  Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into.  Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day.  Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.

    I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue.  I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too.  Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me.  After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health.  It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.

    If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs.  It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things.  I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame.  May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need.  And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them.  That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.

    I send you lots of care and smiles.  Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,

    Bradlee

    Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Looking up and ahead instead of down

    A winding pag through trees with orange, red and yellow leaves.

    At some point during the last several years, I started looking down when I walked to make sure I wouldn’t trip or fall.  I have been very delicate and vulnerable mentally and physically so looking down makes sense, even though I have been far from an age where a fall would have been catastrophic.

    I knew I was doing this, but I hadn’t realized just how much that was reflecting how I felt in the world.  How I needed to watch out, be careful and keep an eye out for potential hazards.

    In the fall of 2025, I did an exercise my art therapist suggested to help me focus a bit more outward. I was nailing the “meeting my needs” bit and she suggested I look more broadly at my needs from a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social perspective.  I wrote about my initial efforts with this homework in September https://phdinbeingme.ca/2025/11/10/boundaries/.

    Since that time, I notice that it is easier to look up when I am walking.  Easier to notice aspects of my life that have been neglected due to my health limitations.  Easier to see more of me and life’s possibilities, even while I am unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome and mental health challenges.

    And so, I am finding it easier to remember to look up and ahead, to remember that I am more than my tough days, and that I have survived each tough day so far, and I can do it again.  I can work, slowly but surely, to create safety in my body, mind and heart and celebrate when I give myself kindness and compassion.  I can write what’s in my heart because sharing stories matters and reminds us that we are all connected in our humanity, even if our experiences are different.

    Wherever you are, whether you are looking down or upward, I send you smiles, care and kindness!

    Big hugs! 🌸🌟💖 Bradlee

    Photo of Bradlee smiling, wearing a pink winter hat in front of a snow covered field.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • My new true north

    A hand holding a compass with a bronze colored lid.

    My inner compass has been re-oriented.

    My focus re-directed.

    My heart opened and filled with what’s been right in front of me all along.

    Here I am, right here, where I have always been.

    My life is not behind me, ahead of me or just around the corner.  It is right here, right now.

    Every bit of my life matters, the mundane, the heart wrenching, the hilarious, the joys, highs and lows and everything in between.

    My story matters, my life matters, exactly as it is.  It won’t be any more important if all of my dreams come true, or if I live my life exactly as it is each moment.

    A significant part of me has thought that if only I could be better, get better, be different, than my life would mean more and would allow me to help more people.

    The truth is, the best thing I can do is to sit down, right here, in the middle of the life I’m living and live it.  Nothing more, nothing less.

    I’ve been the kind of person who loves people easily.  If I’ve made any type of connection with you, chances are I love you and deeply.  It’s a really sweet and admirable quality that I’m only beginning to really appreciate as the precious gift it is, and that I give to others (admittedly, I don’t give this freely to everyone, I’ve become more discerning over the years). 

    I love helping people, making connections with them, holding them, uplifting them and cheering them on.  Over the last several years of ill health, the lack of being able to do that for others has been really hard.  But now I see that it’s truly my time to turn inward and to give all of those gifts that I so easily give to others to my sweetie self.

    My life won’t mean more or have greater value if I get better tomorrow, in a few years, or never.  Each day, I’ll be living my life, hopefully with more presence, gratitude and appreciation since my realizations today, and that will be enough.  My story, my moments, my thoughts, my fears, joys, pain and excitement all add up to make my life.  And what a beautiful life it is.

    We see movies, read books, and compare ourselves to others and wonder, am I doing this right?  Am I enough just as I am?  And today, I am recognizing that I am, just as I am.  I am good enough and I am doing things right, because I am me, no one else. 

    This writing was inspired by listening to the audio book, “The Dutch House,” by Ann Patchett, narrated by Tom Hanks.  The book, which was a Pulizter Prize Finalist, was about ordinary people’s lives.  The whole book.  There was no action, mystery or anything, just a beautifully written and narrated story about some humans, being human and having a human experience.  And somehow, having that story read aloud by Tom Hanks gave it so much more validity and importance.  I hung out with a flawed family and Tom Hanks for 10 hours and my life as I knew it opened, crumbled and I was remade, ready to appreciate all that has happened to me, all that will happen to me and all that I am.  I am so humbled by this book.  It has touched me so deeply I have tears in my eyes as I type this.  This book has helped me find my own true north again and my heart is still feeling tender.  I’m in repair and am re-orienting and I’m so excited to see where my life points me to next.  Even if it’s just to fold the laundry or to rest and heal.

    Thanks so much for reading. May you be well and may you inner compass guide you to discover all the majesty that you are.

    xoxoxo Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • It all counts

    Painting of a yellow sun with a red heart in the center, with a little Bradlee drawn in the middle.

    No matter what your life experience has been or is today, it all counts.  And it all matters.  You matter.

    Even if you wish things could have been different or if you’ve just figured out something that has been impacting your whole life, you matter and it all counts as valid life experience.  Your life is precious.  Your story matters.  Your experience matters, especially if others have told you that you don’t matter or that you just needed to get over yourself.

    I love connecting with people and hearing their stories.  I love listening, asking questions, holding space and sharing.  We all have such different experiences and perspectives and there is something magical when two people can sit and be witnesses for each other’s lives.  One of the hardest parts of having chronic fatigue syndrome is not having the energy to do this as often as I would like.  Instead, it’s been teaching me to do the same for myself.  To hold space for me, and to be a witness for what is ready to be shared. 

    As I’ve been doing this, I’ve been seeing just how valid my life is, regardless of how unwell I’ve been.  All of my life experience counts, none of it is less important or valid because I’ve been struggling.  I wanted to write to share this message in case you needed it too 💖.

    I am turning 46 next week and I have spent most of my life trying to be what others have told me I should be or what I felt I needed to be to be safe and to survive.  This morning, I was feeling sad about my relationship with my dog and how it’s been rather tumultous because of my past.  I love her dearly so I was hugging her and thanking her for sticking with me and being such a dedicated teacher.  She’s been helping me reach some of the most hurt parts of myself. 

    Anyway, I was petting her and loving her and I realized that all of our experiences together count.  It all counts, even if it’s been messy.  I’ve been trying so hard to overcome my patterning and trauma and she’s been right there with me, encouraging me and being patient with me as she kept pushing me to get there.  One day, I really think I’ll write a mini-book about my relationship with precious Maggie, but for now, I wanted to share how she inspired me to see that I haven’t lost anything.  I don’t have to make up for lost time or try to catch up.  Our relationship has been exactly what it’s needed to be and she is okay with that.  She has held space for me to grieve, rage, grow, heal and do it all over again for the last 10 years.  It all counts.  She came into my life for a reason and it all counts. 

    And so, I take a deep breath and let it out.  And again.  I smile. I hug myself. And I know that there is peace in the messy and in my unraveling.  No matter how you are doing, please know that you count, your life matters, all of it counts and all of you counts. 

    Peace be with you 🌟♥️🌟♥️, Bradlee

    This is me and part of Maggie from yesterday, she is a precious cutie pie.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • I am here, and I am with myself

    A black canvas with four small ferns posing as pine trees. It is called Silent Night.
    A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest

    I am here, and I am with myself 💕.  I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.”  Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.

    I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses.  It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal.  It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.

    This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself.  I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired.  Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world.  The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.

    I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good.  I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way.  Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic.  It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself.  Gosh, that was nice.

    I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself.  It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself.  The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.

    I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing.  Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome.  I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.

    And so, I am here and I am with myself.  Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important.  And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.

    Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing.  Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee ♥️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Boundaries

    Double rainbow over a wide grassy plain

    I am exploring boundaries in therapy and in my daily life.  I have heard about boundaries a lot over the years, but hadn’t done a big exploration of what they are and aren’t in my life, why I need them and how they can help.

    So far, I have identified what it feels like when:

    • My boundaries are violated
    • I don’t know what my boundaries are
    • I constantly have to defend and protect myself
    • I don’t feel safe or worthy to have boundaries.

    These are important steps for me.  Recognizing these feelings and realities is hard, but an important step in healing and understanding what I need going forward.

    As a part of this, I am taking a look at my life’s bigger picture so I can make healthier decisions for myself.  My art therapist had suggested that I look at the emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual big picture of my life so I can evaluate where I need to put more care.

    She gave me a resource document with different questions to prompt my exploration of my bigger picture.  I had a great time!  I hadn’t realized how narrow of a focus I had until I started.  And…it made me feel more empowered, which was tremendous.  It helped me realize how unwell and sick I am and how it is important for me to keep learning new ways to take care of my physical and mental health.

    I started the work at home, and then continued it by the Rideau River, which was inspiring and calming 💖.

    View of the Rideau River, with geese!
    My view sitting by the Rideau River
    Bradlee's red boots and legs with rocks at her feet
    My feet, legs and notebook!
    Bradlee's notebook with rocks all around
    The rocks and my self care, big picture chart

    Wherever you are in your health journey and life, I send you lots of care and smiles. I am taking it one day at a time and its okay if you need to too.  Big hugs and lots of care,

    Bradlee 💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Each breath

    An aerial view of a forest

    Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life.  The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.

    I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad.  It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help.  Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone.  I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me.  It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.

    I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again.  I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.

    May you be well.  Thanks for reading 💕.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Being here

    A double rainbow
    A double rainbow

    If you’ve visited my blog before, you may know that I’m working on getting a PhD in Being Me.  What does getting a PhD in Being Me mean these days while I am off work to take care of my physical and mental health?  It means:

    • Being here and with myself as I live my life.
    • Being compassionate with myself as I learn more about me and my needs.
    • Developing the inner awareness and courage to notice and act on my needs.
    • Getting to know the parts of me that are protecting my most hurt parts, and feeling how very tired they are through Internal Family Systems work.
    • Noticing when I am putting pressure on myself to get better faster and choosing to have compassion for myself whenever possible.
    • Being here for the days when I just want to be better, and knowing that I’m not always aiming for an A+ in getting a PhD in Being Me, especially on the hard days.  Just being with myself is enough, and that equally counts towards my PhD in Being Me.  And so does all the work I am doing to support myself, which ranges from working with healthcare professionals for my physical and mental health, to making time for fun, lying on the couch, reading, crying and spending time outside.
    • Receiving kindness from others, like my friend who told me about new research that shows that chronic fatigue syndrome can be genetic.  She encouraged me to switch from being hard on myself for having chronic fatigue to managing my symptoms as best as I can.  That kindness went straight to my heart ❤️.
    • Developing my intuition and inner compass by trusting what I feel inside.  For example, trying out what a healthcare professional recommends but noticing if it helps or makes me feel worse, and following what is best for me.
    • Giving myself permission to be exactly as I am.  I’ve been off work for nearly a year, and I’m still coming down from working these last several years with debilitating fatigue. As I relax more into myself and learn more about my realities, I am realizing how exhausted I truly am 💕. 

    May this post inspire you to give yourself a hug and know that I send you one too. 

    Take care, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • What If?

    A cold, snowy, winter scene.

    What if?

    I asked myself that question this morning.  What if it’s okay to struggle?  What if it’s okay to have chronic fatigue syndrome that can be deeply debilitating?  What if it’s okay that I have been having a hard time these last several years?

    After all, what am I other than a human being, living this specific life?

    This life that is so full of beauty, amazing people, a safe and cozy home in the country, and so much more goodness? A life that has also made me cry from pure exhaustion so many times and has left me feeling completely broken?

    I am feeling open to the possibility this morning that this is exactly what life is.  What if it’s always meant to be exactly like this, despite all my efforts (some not always so kind to myself) to make things “better?” and to rise above it?

    What if there is nothing to rise above?  What if all this time, by trying to manage things and make things better, I have actually been missing what life truly is? Have I been missing the point?  To live my life? Just as I am, and just as it is?  Hmmm.

    I have been learning more about trauma and how I have worked so hard to keep myself and my family safe.  This is helping me be kinder to myself and to understand how and why being vulnerable and human has been difficult for me. 

    This morning, I am questioning more deeply and am wondering…what if this is it? What if the beauty and the pain, all mixed together, is exactly how life is supposed to be? 

    And I can be here for it, with my tools, supports, laughter, tears, smiles, dogs, friends, family, long walks on good days, and lying down on my really tired days, and finding and making time for enjoyment through it all.

    What if that is possible?  What if that has been the point all along?  To break down the false sense and need for perfection only to embrace life and myself, exactly as we are.  Hmmm, yes, that feels right.

    Wherever you are, however you feel, may you be filled with clarity and insights into your deepest what if questions. 

    Thanks for reading, may you be well, and may you be blessed with so much peace, whether life feels balanced and healthy or shitty and unfair.

    Hugs, Bradlee ♥️

    Ps here are 4 photos of me using fun filters to make you smile.

    A headshot of Bradlee in 4 overlapping polaroids
    Bradlee with a leopard hair band, sunglasses and artificially smooth skin
    Bradlee with a fake mustache, detective hat and trench coat
    Bradlee with a beard and fake spiky hair.

  • Reflections

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water.
    The gorgeous sky reflected in the water

    It is easy to not feel good sometimes.  It is easy to amass all kinds of evidence about my shortcomings, failures and deficiencies.  It is much harder, sometimes, to focus on all that is going well and all the good I bring to the world.

    A few weeks ago, I was sitting by the creek where I live, and I was feeling down.  It took me a few minutes to be still within myself, to even notice my surroundings.  I felt how restless I was and decided to look at the water as a way of soothing myself. That was when I noticed how beautiful the sky looked reflected in the water.

    I started looking up and down the creek to see the reflections.

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water
    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water

    No matter where I looked, it was so beautiful, clear and inspiring.  I really started to consider how I could apply that perspective to my life.  Yes, I was feeling down, no doubt about it, but those reflections gave me the courage to acknowledge what was good in my life, all while being kind to myself and respecting how I was feeling.

    And so today, I am here, feeling grateful for my life, and the opportunity I have to notice my feelings and to write about them in this way.  I am grateful that I am learning more about shame, and how worthless I feel sometimes, especially when I think I have failed in some way.  I am grateful to have the word shame to help me understand what I  have felt all these years.  I am grateful for all the resources that are available to me to help me understand and care for myself even better.  I am grateful for my breath and my body for helping me be more grounded when I am feeling unsafe or unworthy.  I am grateful for the chance to smile at someone so we can share our humanity and connect, even just in passing.  I am grateful for nature for inspiring me to have more compassion for myself.

    When you look in the mirror today, may it reflect all the goodness you have within you so clearly. When you breath in and out today, may you feel safe, grounded and wholly accepted by yourself. When you think today, may your thoughts be filled with so much love and compassion for yourself.

    Life can be tricky, hard, and unfair, and to balance that out a bit, may we all see reflections of our goodness, worthiness, and love everywhere we look.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved