PhD in Being Me

Tag: Self-Love

  • I am here, and I am with myself

    A black canvas with four small ferns posing as pine trees. It is called Silent Night.
    A winter piece of art that I made to help me connect to the stillness and silence in a winter forest

    I am here, and I am with myself 💕.  I feel so soothed whenever I say to myself, “I am here and I am with you.”  Sometimes, I even cry, like a part of me has just really needed to hear that, and it allows any stuck emotions or stress to release and flow.

    I am participating in a program that helps people with chronic illnesses.  It teaches about the chronic stress response and how that affects the nervous system, which can impact the body’s ability to heal.  It is full of science, which is right up my alley, along with tools to help self-regulate the nervous system.

    This program, Primal Trust, is another tool in my journey of helping myself.  I have been living with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time now, and I am sometimes so tired of being tired.  Primal Trust has live and recorded classes and it is so heart warming to see people from all over the world.  The course material, teachers, and other participants help me feel validated, seen and understood, and is furthering my ability to do that for myself too.

    I am learning about how to connect to my sense and feelings of inner okayness, which feels good.  I used to feel much better, and I have missed connecting to myself in that way.  Today, I did one of the tools to help retrain my stress response, and I was able to make it my own so that it felt authentic.  It made my body and heart feel more alive and like I was more present for myself.  Gosh, that was nice.

    I was here, sitting, breathing, connecting and being here, with myself and for myself.  It helped me more fully recognize how far I am from the healthy version of myself.  The practices I have been learning over the past year in therapy are slowly helping me understand the different parts of me and thst each is valid and worthy of compassion.

    I am learning about pacing myself and taking a more gentle, slow and steady approach to life and my healing.  Apparently there is scientific evidence to support the pacing approach to healing chronic fatigue syndrome.  I am so used to pushing and pressuring myself, so this continues to be a challenge for me, but its a worthy one ❤️❤️.

    And so, I am here and I am with myself.  Regardless of any tools and practices I learn, I hope I remember that I am enough, that giving myself the gift of my presence, care, touch, love and compassion are the most important.  And, living my life and enjoying it instead of only focusing on getting better.

    Here I am, writing, reflecting, smiling and sharing.  Thanks for reading, may you be well and may you relax more into your sweetie self today.

    Big hugs, Bradlee ♥️♥️

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Boundaries

    Double rainbow over a wide grassy plain

    I am exploring boundaries in therapy and in my daily life.  I have heard about boundaries a lot over the years, but hadn’t done a big exploration of what they are and aren’t in my life, why I need them and how they can help.

    So far, I have identified what it feels like when:

    • My boundaries are violated
    • I don’t know what my boundaries are
    • I constantly have to defend and protect myself
    • I don’t feel safe or worthy to have boundaries.

    These are important steps for me.  Recognizing these feelings and realities is hard, but an important step in healing and understanding what I need going forward.

    As a part of this, I am taking a look at my life’s bigger picture so I can make healthier decisions for myself.  My art therapist had suggested that I look at the emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual big picture of my life so I can evaluate where I need to put more care.

    She gave me a resource document with different questions to prompt my exploration of my bigger picture.  I had a great time!  I hadn’t realized how narrow of a focus I had until I started.  And…it made me feel more empowered, which was tremendous.  It helped me realize how unwell and sick I am and how it is important for me to keep learning new ways to take care of my physical and mental health.

    I started the work at home, and then continued it by the Rideau River, which was inspiring and calming 💖.

    View of the Rideau River, with geese!
    My view sitting by the Rideau River
    Bradlee's red boots and legs with rocks at her feet
    My feet, legs and notebook!
    Bradlee's notebook with rocks all around
    The rocks and my self care, big picture chart

    Wherever you are in your health journey and life, I send you lots of care and smiles. I am taking it one day at a time and its okay if you need to too.  Big hugs and lots of care,

    Bradlee 💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Each breath

    An aerial view of a forest

    Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life.  The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.

    I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad.  It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help.  Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone.  I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me.  It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.

    I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again.  I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.

    May you be well.  Thanks for reading 💕.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Being here

    A double rainbow
    A double rainbow

    If you’ve visited my blog before, you may know that I’m working on getting a PhD in Being Me.  What does getting a PhD in Being Me mean these days while I am off work to take care of my physical and mental health?  It means:

    • Being here and with myself as I live my life.
    • Being compassionate with myself as I learn more about me and my needs.
    • Developing the inner awareness and courage to notice and act on my needs.
    • Getting to know the parts of me that are protecting my most hurt parts, and feeling how very tired they are through Internal Family Systems work.
    • Noticing when I am putting pressure on myself to get better faster and choosing to have compassion for myself whenever possible.
    • Being here for the days when I just want to be better, and knowing that I’m not always aiming for an A+ in getting a PhD in Being Me, especially on the hard days.  Just being with myself is enough, and that equally counts towards my PhD in Being Me.  And so does all the work I am doing to support myself, which ranges from working with healthcare professionals for my physical and mental health, to making time for fun, lying on the couch, reading, crying and spending time outside.
    • Receiving kindness from others, like my friend who told me about new research that shows that chronic fatigue syndrome can be genetic.  She encouraged me to switch from being hard on myself for having chronic fatigue to managing my symptoms as best as I can.  That kindness went straight to my heart ❤️.
    • Developing my intuition and inner compass by trusting what I feel inside.  For example, trying out what a healthcare professional recommends but noticing if it helps or makes me feel worse, and following what is best for me.
    • Giving myself permission to be exactly as I am.  I’ve been off work for nearly a year, and I’m still coming down from working these last several years with debilitating fatigue. As I relax more into myself and learn more about my realities, I am realizing how exhausted I truly am 💕. 

    May this post inspire you to give yourself a hug and know that I send you one too. 

    Take care, Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025. All Rights Reserved.

  • What If?

    A cold, snowy, winter scene.

    What if?

    I asked myself that question this morning.  What if it’s okay to struggle?  What if it’s okay to have chronic fatigue syndrome that can be deeply debilitating?  What if it’s okay that I have been having a hard time these last several years?

    After all, what am I other than a human being, living this specific life?

    This life that is so full of beauty, amazing people, a safe and cozy home in the country, and so much more goodness? A life that has also made me cry from pure exhaustion so many times and has left me feeling completely broken?

    I am feeling open to the possibility this morning that this is exactly what life is.  What if it’s always meant to be exactly like this, despite all my efforts (some not always so kind to myself) to make things “better?” and to rise above it?

    What if there is nothing to rise above?  What if all this time, by trying to manage things and make things better, I have actually been missing what life truly is? Have I been missing the point?  To live my life? Just as I am, and just as it is?  Hmmm.

    I have been learning more about trauma and how I have worked so hard to keep myself and my family safe.  This is helping me be kinder to myself and to understand how and why being vulnerable and human has been difficult for me. 

    This morning, I am questioning more deeply and am wondering…what if this is it? What if the beauty and the pain, all mixed together, is exactly how life is supposed to be? 

    And I can be here for it, with my tools, supports, laughter, tears, smiles, dogs, friends, family, long walks on good days, and lying down on my really tired days, and finding and making time for enjoyment through it all.

    What if that is possible?  What if that has been the point all along?  To break down the false sense and need for perfection only to embrace life and myself, exactly as we are.  Hmmm, yes, that feels right.

    Wherever you are, however you feel, may you be filled with clarity and insights into your deepest what if questions. 

    Thanks for reading, may you be well, and may you be blessed with so much peace, whether life feels balanced and healthy or shitty and unfair.

    Hugs, Bradlee ♥️

    Ps here are 4 photos of me using fun filters to make you smile.

    A headshot of Bradlee in 4 overlapping polaroids
    Bradlee with a leopard hair band, sunglasses and artificially smooth skin
    Bradlee with a fake mustache, detective hat and trench coat
    Bradlee with a beard and fake spiky hair.

  • Reflections

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water.
    The gorgeous sky reflected in the water

    It is easy to not feel good sometimes.  It is easy to amass all kinds of evidence about my shortcomings, failures and deficiencies.  It is much harder, sometimes, to focus on all that is going well and all the good I bring to the world.

    A few weeks ago, I was sitting by the creek where I live, and I was feeling down.  It took me a few minutes to be still within myself, to even notice my surroundings.  I felt how restless I was and decided to look at the water as a way of soothing myself. That was when I noticed how beautiful the sky looked reflected in the water.

    I started looking up and down the creek to see the reflections.

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water
    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water

    No matter where I looked, it was so beautiful, clear and inspiring.  I really started to consider how I could apply that perspective to my life.  Yes, I was feeling down, no doubt about it, but those reflections gave me the courage to acknowledge what was good in my life, all while being kind to myself and respecting how I was feeling.

    And so today, I am here, feeling grateful for my life, and the opportunity I have to notice my feelings and to write about them in this way.  I am grateful that I am learning more about shame, and how worthless I feel sometimes, especially when I think I have failed in some way.  I am grateful to have the word shame to help me understand what I  have felt all these years.  I am grateful for all the resources that are available to me to help me understand and care for myself even better.  I am grateful for my breath and my body for helping me be more grounded when I am feeling unsafe or unworthy.  I am grateful for the chance to smile at someone so we can share our humanity and connect, even just in passing.  I am grateful for nature for inspiring me to have more compassion for myself.

    When you look in the mirror today, may it reflect all the goodness you have within you so clearly. When you breath in and out today, may you feel safe, grounded and wholly accepted by yourself. When you think today, may your thoughts be filled with so much love and compassion for yourself.

    Life can be tricky, hard, and unfair, and to balance that out a bit, may we all see reflections of our goodness, worthiness, and love everywhere we look.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • A pause

    A tree with orange leaves on the ground all around it, with mist in the background
    A quiet place among the leaves and mist

    The older I have gotten (I am 44), the more I am giving myself permission to pause.  A pause can mean many things, including:

    • Taking a breath before I respond to a person or a situation
    • Deciding that I will get back to a person instead of answering them right away
    • Prioritizing taking care of myself, even if just for a short while, before working through the items on my to do list.

    Am I an expert at pausing?  Sometimes, and sometimes I rush and feel so much pressure that a pause is the last thing I think about. 

    Learning about me from my experiences is the point of working towards a PhD in Being Me.  I am at the school of me, learning every day about how best to take care of myself and honour myself as I live my life.  And to do this with as much kindness, grace, care and love I can possibly give myself, including giving myself a big or little pause when I need it.

    I have had a very narrow window of tolerance for the last several months as I was very stressed out by my life’s circumstances.  I have included a pdf for those new to the window of tolerance concept or how trauma can influence your window of tolerance (I hope it works!)

    Window of ToleranceDownload

    As I take better care of myself, my window of tolerance is increasing.  With that increase, it is getting easier to notice when a pause would benefit me.

    For example, I was annoyed by my dog’s behavior the other day, and I realized that I had other choices than getting really angry or crying.  Just that realization alone was the pause I needed to access more choices within me.  It was like I saw the overwhelmed and tired parts of myself and honoured them with that pause that allowed me to choose how to respond better. 

    Being off work has allowed me to see how much I was just holding on and coping every day, instead of living and thriving.  I know many of us can relate to those words.  If you can, I send you many big hugs, it sure is tough.  No matter where you are in your life, whether you are thriving or just holding on, may there be many more golden pauses available to you, and lots of love, kindness and peace too. 

    With lots of care 💕, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Witnessing myself

    Early morning on a misty road
    A misty morning

    Sometimes I feel lonely.

    Sometimes I feel like I wish I could be seen more deeply and completely.

    Sometimes I feel so tired it’s hard to do much.

    Sometimes I feel like my being is surrounded by mist and I need the sun to rise more to transform it.

    Today feels joyous and celebratory, but heavy with a deep mist that has permeated my being.  It’s amazing how I can feel all of that at once.  Isn’t being a human amazing, miraculous, hard and wild?

    I have decided to start writing more.  When I write, I witness myself, and the heavy mists lessen, like I am my own sunshine, rising up within me, bringing light, new possibilities and strength to myself, just like our sun does for us and our planet.

    As I write this, I can already feel the lightness spreading, reminding me of how okay I am, even when my heart needs extra hugs, and especially when my hurts arise and need me to give myself more love, compassion and support.

    And so, I smile, I write, and I unite within me with every word I type.

    A campfire with low flames
    A slow burn campfire

    Last week, I had a campfire with and for myself.  It started out really blazing, and I decided to take a photo when it was at its slow burn point.  I was really struck by the white logs and the small flames dancing between the logs.  It served as a metaphor for my healing journey.  Every day and year, I grow and heal, not in a bonfire way, but in a slow burn way that allows me to feel, process, integrate and heal.

    Do I ever wish I could just hurry it up and be better faster?  YES!  Definitely. But, I know these wounds have been here for a long time, including from generations past, and I am learning to breathe, to be, to honour my wounded parts, and to hold space for them to heal and integrate fully into my beingness.

    And so I breathe, smile, write and relax.  May this post make you feel seen, witnessed and honoured in all the ways that you need.

    I will sign off wishing you all my best, lots of care, and many opportunities to know and feel how special you are.

    Big hugs,

    Bradlee, and Maggie and Archie, respectively, as seen below

    Me and Maggie, my dog, who has golden red fur with a white face
    Maggie and me
    Me and my dog, Archie, who has golden red fur with a white nose
    Archie and me

  • Reconnecting to myself

    A bright orange sky with deep blue.
    Photo by NO NAME on Pexels.com

    Sometimes I hear my voice inside me and it’s loud and clear.

    Other times it’s like there is so much noise from the world that is making it harder to know who I am and where I stand.

    Today, I went for a walk in the woods and I heard the noise. I felt the worries. I wondered where I had gone to in the crowded space of my being. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, just continuing onwards despite missing myself and wondering where I was.

    I really didn’t like that feeling, so I choked on a sob and spoke nicely to myself.

    I said, hey, whether all of this belongs to me or the world, I love you.

    No matter how overwhelmed, shattered, broken, scattered, afraid and numb you feel, I am with you.

    I thought of how complicated life can be, as well as how miraculous it can be, and I decided to care for myself no matter how I was experiencing it today. I remember saying something like, hey, whether you see the world from a glass half full or half empty perspective, I love you and you super matter to me.

    It seemed to simplify everything and made me feel calmer. Writing about my experiences and how full life is lately is really helpful too. It’s easy to think that everyone else has it good, and by writing, I aim to make others feel less alone in feeling things deeply. It also helps me feel less alone too, because I get to shine the light of my attention on my fears, worries and overwhelm.

    Where do you need some light today?

    If it’s for your heart, I send you much comfort, love, security, protection, caring and love.

    If it’s for your mind, I send you deep breaths, smiles, quiet, peace and serenity.

    If it’s for your body, I send you much balance, healing, nourishment and rejuvenation.

    If it’s for your spirit, I send you big high fives, because no matter what, you are rocking it, even if all you want to do is curl up in a ball. You’re here. You matter. I am cheering you on and smiling with you and for you.

    With every breath you take for the rest of today and the rest of your days, may you know how special you are and that you matter, even if you are having a hard time or life just isn’t going your way.

    I honour you and wish you super well.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved.

    ps. I used AI to generate the two images below. I’ve never done that before! The first one is my favorite and really represents what I wanted to convey to you, from my heart to yours.

    A solid red heart with angel wings.
    A pink sparkling heart with rainbow lights inside it.

  • Helping others and myself

    The bottom arc of a rainbow
    A beautiful rainbow in front of my place this past spring

    I really like helping others.  I also really like helping myself and giving myself care, compassion, and gentleness. 

    Life has felt hard lately, probably because it has been really tough.  When times are like that, I feel myself rising to the challenge and other times, I feel myself getting smaller and in need of time to myself to rest, recharge and to feel sorry for myself.

    I am sharing this because I am still learning how best to take care of myself when times are tough.  Sometimes I nail self-care and I can balance everything and other times, I want to curl up in bed and let someone else be responsible for everything, including taking care of me.  Does that make me any less worthy?  Or does that just mean that I am tired, and in need of love, care and some support?

    I think it’s the latter, but sometimes I still blame myself or catch myself wishing I could be stronger.  I have a big heart, and I am astounded at the depth of compassion and care I give others and myself.  So when times are tough, I do my best to remember how special and caring I am, and to speak gently to the parts of me who are crying out to be held, spoken gently to and, most importantly, witnessed.  There is tremendous power in being a witness to myself in my darkest moments, and in being a witness for others.

    Being a witness means being there, not running away from difficult, painful or heart breaking feelings.  It means holding yourself (or someone else) literally or figuratively, with your arms or your presence, and giving assurance with that presence.  I am with you.  I see you.  I hear you.  I feel your pain and I am with you anyway.  I am getting teary just writing that, because isn’t that what we all want to hear, on one level or another.

    And so, in honour of all of my hurting parts and any of yours, I share the following:

    I am with you.

    I see you.

    I love you.

    You are not alone through this.

    Breathe deep my love, this will pass.

    I honour and celebrate you.

    You are so special.

    No matter what, I am with you.

    If you don’t say these things to yourself or to someone else, it doesn’t mean that you are abandoning anyone.  These are more meant as helpful things you can try whispering to your own heart to see how they feel.  Or you can try telling someone that you honour them as they navigate a difficult time in their life instead of just trying to get them to move on. 

    At our core as humans, I feel that this is what we need. To be witnessed.  Not to be fixed or changed, just witnessed.

    Helping myself and others makes me feel good.  It makes me feel like I am showing up for my life in deep, empowering and respectful ways. It makes me feel like I can heal my pain and trauma in gentle, loving ways, and like I can help others do the same.  Writing this reminds me to notice how I am doing and to be kind to myself, especially lately.

    I hope this post soothes any wounds you are feeling deeply.  I also hope it makes your heart feel lighter.  One step at a time.  One kind word to yourself at a time.  We’ve got this.

    Big hugs, Bradlee 💖

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved