PhD in Being Me

Tag: Self-Love

  • Notes to myself at 4am

    A cute little clock I drew on our chalkboard

    Do you ever wake up in the early morning hours and feel like you need to spend time with yourself? That happens to me every now and then. I usually don’t mind it because I feel like it’s the universe giving me a little nudge to discover what my heart, mind and body want to share. I have a couple of ways that I spend that time, including:

    1. lying in bed to hang out with myself and breathe
    2. reading a book
    3. taking a bath
    4. asking myself some questions and waiting to hear if there are any answers
    5. writing in a journal
    6. listening to audio from my favorite spiritual teacher Matt Kahn

    This weekend, I did numbers 1, 4, 5, and 6 and it was perfect for me. I really do feel it is a quiet time for me to get to know what’s bothering me or what I want to focus more on. It’s almost like I can be more honest and vulnerable with myself during that time when most others are asleep.

    The older I get, the more I realize that we are all different and different things work for each of us. It is my humblest wish that by sharing what works for me inspires you to discover what works best for you.

    In honour of that wish, I’m sharing one of my “4am notes to myself.” In this note, I’m reflecting on my time off work and how I’m doing. Whether this note resonates with you or not, may it help you connect more deeply with your little voice inside that just needs to be heard, not changed, but just heard.

    “Here I am, nearly 2 weeks after my last note, and I still feel tired out.  I guess I expected this time off work to be more restorative and fun.  Instead I am learning new and unexpected things:

    1. I don’t always have all the energy I’d like for myself, my family and home stuff, even without working and trips to my dad’s
    2. I am super sensitive to stress and it affects my digestion, mood, muscles, etc. 
    3. I have forgotten how to enjoy the present moment sometimes
    4. I really like making blog posts
    5. I love organizing even when I am tired
    6. I have more energy for cooking when I am off
    7. I have more time to spend outside and get refreshed even though I have little energy, I still use it wisely.
    8. I can take a lot of baths
    9. I have more energy for grocery shopping instead of just online shopping
    10. I am good at family and home organizing and I get more pleasure out of it when I am off
    11. I am great at finding books and shows that are interesting and make me feel good.

    I am proud of myself. I have been challenged in several ways during this time off and I am doing a great job meeting my needs and finding my way despite being tired and feeling less heart centered and like I have less love for others and even myself.  Its about damn time I acknowledge myself this positively when I feel this tired.”

    No matter how great or how shitty you feel, I acknowledge you. You matter and you are special. May you be blessed with much inner quiet so you can connect more deeply to yourself and know your needs. Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Inspiration from nature

    A photo I took this morning

    Lately I have been looking at nature to be inspired. Sometimes I don’t even try to find inspiration, it’s more like the beauty in nature is calling to me, asking me to be present and witness its beauty. Whenever this happens, I feel renewed, awakened and more alive. I make a special effort to breathe deeply and appreciate the majesty of what I am witnessing. It sures helps take my mind off the busyness of life and any problems I may be having.

    This morning, I was driving my dog Maggie to a dog daycare so she could run around and have fun with other dogs. It was a bit chilly and foggy. I was more thinking of dropping Maggie off and what I was going to eat once I got back home. Then, I followed a curve on my road and I saw such a gorgeous blend of green fields, fog and sun, as you can see from the image above. It completely brought me back to myself and the present moment.

    I dropped Maggie off and excitedly stopped by the side of the road to take more photos.

    A close up of the same field

    The beauty of the sun, field and clouds were really breathtaking. I felt so blessed and privileged to have extra time this morning to take in this gorgeous display. The funny thing was I had been complaining that my car windows were fogging up, but I quickly stopped after seeing these sights.

    From another angle – how spectacular!

    Whenever I feel anxious or rushed inside, I often get an important reset from nature. I love putting my bare feet on the grass, especially when it is cool and dewy. That feeling brings calmness to every part of me, especially if I can walk around for 5 minutes and take in the sights, feelings and smells.

    Sometimes, just looking up at the sky and turning around so I can see it from every angle is exactly what I need. I especially love watching the clouds move across the sky. They are constantly reinventing themselves; it seems like clouds change shape nearly every second. They remind me that I am not supposed to be or feel the same all the time.

    This image shows more of the clouds

    I am grateful for all the lessons I am learning from nature lately. Those lessons allow me to have more realistic expectations of myself as a human and inspire me to be more gentle and compassionate with myself. They also show me how deep, complex and majestic I am in all of my humanity.

    May you see, hear and feel all the ways that nature, Mother Earth and our great Creator love, nurture and inspire us all. Big hugs 💖💖💖.

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • The Whole Spectrum of Me

    An image of the planets in our solar system orbiting around the sun.
    The Solar System by NASA is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

    Lately I have been more acutely aware of how there is a lot more to me than I thought. I have been using the imagery of our solar system and all of the planets orbiting around the sun to help me.

    When I am lost in thoughts and am overwhelmed, I feel like I am the planet Pluto; orbiting very far away from the sun, my source of life and energy. Many times, I recognize that I am very far from my source and I stop what I am doing to give myself some self-care and to take some deep breaths. I find that is often enough to help me shift away from Pluto’s orbit and to move to an orbit closer to the sun.

    This is a big metaphor, but I think it’s actually really helpful! Imagine this:

    My attempt to explain what I feel about the whole spectrum of my being

    Note: I have learned that Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet, but I grew up with it as a regular planet, so I’ve opted to include it to be sentimental to my inner child.

    Each day, I strive to connect to my centre, the Sun in my solar system, but that doesn’t always feel possible. On those days, I do my best to breathe deeply, to be gentle with myself and to notice what is on the path of my orbit that day, no matter where I am at in my “inner” solar system. Sometimes the way I feel is unpleasant, but I am learning that feeling that way isn’t wrong, it’s just necessary at times. Without those times of being so far from my centre, how would I be able to appreciate it when everything is in perfect harmony and alignment?

    For example, last night I had one of the worst sleeps I’ve had in a long time. I love sleeping, it is enormously helpful and really necessary, especially with chronic fatigue syndrome. I was feeling so many aches in my body and I felt all out of sorts when I woke up. Instead of getting up and dreading the day, I decided to follow along with a progressive muscle relaxation and listen to a guided meditation for a positive start to the day.

    As I followed along with those recordings for 20 minutes, I felt my body starting to tingle and get warmer. It was like my body was helping me to see that by starting the day with self-care, I was moving myself closer to my centre, which was nourishing and helpful.

    I find the longer I spend getting to know myself, the more of an expert I become on being me. I like thinking that I am as complex as a solar system and that each planet and its orbit corresponds to a different aspect of who I am. I don’t think I’m only meant to feel as strong, powerful and life-giving as the sun all the time. In my experience, I grow and evolve so much when I am stuck in one orbit for awhile, even as much as I may not like what I’m experiencing while I’m there.

    Another way to look at this metaphor is to know that we are truly complex beings. If we only focus on one aspect of our lives, we will be out of balance. There are times when we need to spend more time on our career, and others when family life is most important. I think that is great and all of it works, but in my experience, getting nourishment from all aspects of me is very important. I strive to come back to a balanced place as often as I can, especially when I feel that my inner solar system is out of alignment.

    With every breath we all take, may we each feel, acknowledge and sense where we are in our individual solar systems and discern what we need to learn and experience, no matter where we are in our lives. May we all know what we need to return to our life-giving centre to nourish and strengthen us for the days ahead.

    Big hugs,

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Where does my power go?

    I am like a thief, carrying around a burgled bag of jewels, only I’m carrying around my power and I’m always scared of being caught holding it.

    Why would I be scared of owning and holding my power? Isn’t it mine? Doesn’t it belong to me?

    Despite the fact that I am carrying it around, sometimes I seem to lose it and I’m stuck wondering, where did my power go?

    Why it is even so separate from me? Why am I carrying it around instead of embodying it? Who first took it and did I give it willingly, thinking it would get me the love I so craved but couldn’t get or give to myself?

    In this last week, I watched myself give my power away and then feel ashamed, small and weak while others were trying to help me after I gave them such a valuable, treasured part of me. I wasn’t able to stop myself from giving it away and I got to see the devastating effect it had on me to be without it.

    Dearest power, I love you and I’m so sorry for thinking I could barter and give you away in order to be more whole. I want nothing more than to be with you, to live with you, to be full of you, to breathe you in more deeply with every inhalation. I want to hold you close and never let you go because you are a part of me and I need you. Dearest power, I need you, not whatever it is I was trading you for. I don’t ever want to cry the tears of our separation ever again, instead I want to dance in ecstasy with you and revel in the joys of our unification. I want to feel someone asking me to give you away to them and feel so overjoyed that I don’t need to do that anymore, knowing that you and I are forever as one.

    Dearest power, I love you and I’m so grateful to be writing this ode to you instead of crying tears over how I’ve given you away yet again.

    Dearest power, with every breathe I take, may I make the healthiest and wisest choices to keep us more healed, whole and integrated together than ever before and may we inspire others to do the same.

    Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Life is different at the surface

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    Do you ever feel like life has many layers and levels? Like it’s different when you live on the surface of the waters of your life, compared to the middle or even the deepest depths? Lately, I’ve been so aware of the difference. I will attempt to explain.

    You know the bugs that swirl in a little tempest around your head on a hot summer day? They are very small, but they consume so much space and they are very unsettling. When I’m living on the surface of my waters, there are lots of little bugs that fly all around my head. Those little bugs are like all the swirling thoughts that take up so much space in my mind, body and heart. They make it so hard to concentrate on what is really important. When I remember to take a few deep breaths, sit down and consciously choose how to spend my time and energy, I start to sink deeper into the waters of my life. From that place, there is less noise and there are less distractions. It is quieter within me.

    If I’m feeling really like I need to be replenished on the inside, I lie down for ten minutes or so, and I put my hand on my heart and the other on my belly. Then I just breathe and sink. The more I breathe, the more alive my body feels and the quieter it is inside of me. It’s like I have found the depths of my ocean and I am discovering new places, new insights, new viewpoints and new life.

    Our planet has so many levels within it, and each one has different types of life forms. I don’t think I’m any different. When I’m on the surface of me, I am scattered, aimless and easily overwhelmed. When I settle into a middle place, I am calmer, more confident and more grounded. Other days, I settle so deep into myself that I feel like I am one of those bottom dwellers in the ocean that have their own glow to light their way. I can feel the light and love pouring out of me and I feel ready to change the world. I love being in that deep place. I love being around other people when I have reached my depths because I feel like I can give them the deepest love living within me.

    On days when the chronic fatigue syndrome robs my body of any energy and my muscles, head and guts hurt from fatigue, I can still breathe deeply and reach my depths. Nothing can take those away from me. I am my depths no matter what. I can get there no matter what. I have tears in my eyes as I’m typing this because I had never really thought of it that way. I have control over how often I visit these beautiful unexplored caverns of goodness and light that are waiting to be explored. I don’t have control over how strong my chronic fatigue symptoms are, but I can control how easy I make it for myself on those tough days by making time and space for myself to rest easy within myself, deep below the surface.

    If this posts resonates with you, I invite you to write out or think about how it feels when you’re on the surface of your beautiful life versus deep in the depths. If you’ve never felt the difference, I honor you and I invite you to lie down, put your hand on your precious heart and breathe. Even if nothing changes, I believe the depths will be easier to sink into with each time you show yourself you matter more than what’s happening on the surface. I love you no matter what you’re going through. From my heart and depths to yours, I see you.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • The process of maturing

    Photo by PhotoMIX Company on Pexels.com

    Lately I have been feeling like I am in a process. I also realized that I am not always kind to myself as I go through this process. I don’t think cheese sitting on a shelf to age and become more flavorful judges itself. I also don’t think that little seedlings are hard on themselves before their stems are strong and firm. So, why am I hard on myself for being “in process”? Hmmm…good question.

    The last month I have felt more vulnerable, more buried deep under layers of fog, like I couldn’t quite get to the sun behind the clouds. And for whatever reason, I started feeling like I shouldn’t be feeling that way, like there was something wrong with me for feeling that way. Just yesterday, I started feeling more strong and ready for life and I caught myself wondering what I did wrong over the past month that led me to feeling so unlike myself. I was blown away when I realized I was being quite hard on myself and judgmental too. If I had a friend going through a rough patch, I wouldn’t judge them and expect them to get over it…I hadn’t even been aware I was thinking of myself like that.

    I feel very blessed though, because my heart gave me the image of a little seedling that is planted indoors in the early spring and needs to be hardened off before it can be transplanted to a garden when the last frost has passed. There is nothing wrong with the seedling for needing to harden, it’s just the process it needs to go through. Then I thought about aged cheese, and how there is nothing undelicious about unripened cheese, it just becomes a whole different cheese once it’s been aged long enough. So the next question is, what if all these times of feeling less than ideal are really just times of ripening, maturing and growth in my life and that after those times, I also feel better, more resilient, and more ready for life? I LOVE that idea, especially since it came straight from my heart into my awareness.

    During that month of not feeling quite like myself, I tried cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, I did very light exercises for a few minutes at a time, I spent time outdoors, I rested and I did all kinds of things to show myself I was worth it and to see if I could feel better. None of those were miraculous cures. They all helped me, but none of them fast tracked me through the process I was going through. I think I just had to go through that process to emerge more mature, more resilient, more hardened off and ripened (to come back to my earlier metaphors). How beautiful is that? I don’t need to give up on myself when I’m having a hard time, but I also don’t need to rush the process, because the process is exactly what I need to go through.

    May you be blessed with so much ease, grace and light as you go through your own experiences of the process of maturity!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Second chance

    Second chance

    Today, I realized that life is often given a second chance to thrive. This lavender plant looked dead when we transplanted it from my dad’s house 3 hours away to our yard. After a month, it is starting to come back to life. In the fall, we will trim it all back and see what happens next spring, maybe it will bloom everywhere once more.

    I have been struggling with/working on improving my mental and physical health for the last several years and I often look to nature to help me cope. There are times when I feel like I may never have energy again (I have chronic fatigue syndrome). There are days when I feel like the happiest person ever, and others where I feel like I’m too tired to be anything but anxious. On the tough days, I find nature reminds me that everything is as it should be. I get so inspired seeing a plant that has nearly died come back to life. Here’s another example.

    This is a little maple sapling that we planted 3 years ago. Other saplings have grown tall and thrived but this one has just stayed small. Earlier this spring, we thought it may be dead, but new life is forming from the roots and the tree is growing anew. That is how I like to think of myself, growing anew after a particularly rough few years.

    In many ways, I have felt like a caterpillar in a chrysalis that is undergoing a massive metamorphosis before emerging as a butterfly. I think these two plants are beautiful and simple metaphors for how I feel too. I have been in a massive inner storm of growth, change, awakening and letting go and my old facade is dying and I’m waiting for my new exterior to emerge, just like the little lavender and maple. When I think of it like that, I can be more kind, patient and loving with myself. I see nature and people getting a second chance, and it reassures me that I am getting mine too.

    May you be well and may you be inspired to see your journey reflected in the cycles of life in nature. Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • PhD in Being Me – In Action!

    The Lovemobile

    Over the last few years, I have been feeling a growing desire within me to uplift humanity, to make people smile, and to help them feel seen and heard. As a part of this, I was inspired to transform my car into a Lovemobile. I feel good knowing that wherever I drive my car, I am anchoring blessings of compassion, love, acceptance and acknowledgement for people!

    Getting into my car makes me feel so good, so I figure I’m on the right path. I love it when people give me air hugs or thumbs up and I send extra blessings of love to those who turn away from it.

    May seeing these images inspire you to learn more about who you are, what your needs are and what you can do to become the most highly educated expert on being you!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Nothing Wrong

    A chalkboard with the numbers 1 plus 1 equals 3.
    Photo by George Becker on Pexels.com

    Today I had a very important realization. It aligns perfectly with what I have been learning as I’m working towards a PhD in Being Me and it was startling in its simplicity. Here it is:

    “I’m not doing anything wrong. My life is happening exactly the way it needs to, and not because I’ve messed something up.”

    Bradlee Zrudlo

    Here’s how it came about…I have chronic fatigue syndrome. I have been tired for several years now and it is a lot to manage, especially when I overthink things or get too tired to think rationally. Anyway, this morning, I should have been tired. I had a super late night going to the hospital emergency room after finding a tick on me and I only slept for 4 hours. Normally, that would have destroyed me, like I would have been so sensitive to noise, energy, or any type of stimulation, but all day, I have felt fine. I caught myself thinking, “what must I have done differently to not feel so awful after so little sleep,” and that is when I had the realization. The realization that I am not doing anything wrong.

    I don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome because I am doing anything wrong. I am not a sensitive, empathic, easily stressed person because I am doing anything wrong. I am not doing anything wrong. In fact, my life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, to help me to learn, grow, evolve and maybe just to get to this realization, that I am not doing anything wrong.

    I have told myself I’m not doing anything wrong before, but this was different. This came from a wise place inside of me and it was like every cell and fibre of my being was resonating with how great I am, as opposed to wondering what I messed up this time or what I should be doing differently.

    Ahhhh, the sweet liberation of a realization that was a long time coming. I know there will be more and I may get this message that I am not doing anything wrong even deeper into my beingness. For now though, yay! I am not doing anything wrong. I am exactly as I need to be and I’m at exactly the right place in my life, not for any reason, but just because. The universe, God, the Great Creator, they all made me exactly this way, and they don’t come and tell me all the things I’ve done wrong. If anything, they are all rooting for me and it’s my turn to join the party and celebrate the wonderful person I am.

    May you be healed and liberated from your limiting beliefs about yourself and may you know how truly beautiful, perfect, healed and whole you already are. Big hugs!!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Moving Forward

    “Sometimes I feel stuck and I want to blame everyone else for that feeling. Then I remember that I am the one who has the power to make the choices I need to feel healthier, more acknowledged and validated and to move myself forward.”

    Bradlee Zrudlo

    Over the last several years, I have been learning to acknowledge and validate my feelings instead of shoving them down. This has been a humongous change for me and it has liberated me from stagnating and stewing on repressed emotions; well, most of the time.

    It is a huge gift I have given myself to do this, but I see how I sometimes get stuck in hanging out with my feelings and I forget to move forward in my life. It’s like I have been so focused on showing myself that I will no longer abandon myself, that I sometimes forget about how good and satisfying taking action feels.

    I have been creating a beautiful garden within myself and I have been taking the time to nurture it, water it, weed it and shine the light of my attention on it. I see, feel and know what a beautiful gift I have given myself and I am tremendously honoured to have the opportunity to turn my life around in this way.

    What I see now is that I am so well cared for on the inside and I am no longer the same frail version of myself I used to be. In writing this post, I see how it is time for me to expand my garden, to explore life out from under the wave of the precious cocoon that has kept me so safe and nurtured. Whenever I feel small now, I see that I can hold my own hand from within and take a step to move me forward in life. By approaching life in this way, I am not stagnating in blame or resentment as if there are people who are holding me back, but rather, I am seeing that the permission I need to move forward is always mine to give myself.

    With every breath I take, may my education in the art and science of being me deepen, with the utmost of love and respect for all that I am. May that same blessing be extended to all people on our sweetie planet.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

    Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com