PhD in Being Me

Tag: Self-Love

  • Chronic fatigue has taught me to love and accept myself

    At some point in my adolescence, I stopped thinking I was worth it. I believed that I was too sensitive, too much, too sick, too frequently injured, etc. So I just stopped caring about myself. I learned to ignore and push past my needs. I felt very lonely and sad and I really didn’t know what to do about it.

    Here I am, many years later, and I am still me: sensitive, chronically fatigued, anxious, yet full of love, generosity, smiles and kindness. The difference is that I know myself now and I am unlearning all of the ways I used to relate to myself. I see that I’m not too much, I’m actually pretty awesome and I know you are too. It’s my hope that by sharing more about how I’ve been relating to myself lately that it will help you to feel better about yourself, no matter what your circumstances are.

    Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

    I used to be embarrassed to have chronic fatigue syndrome. As I have written in past posts, I kept thinking I was doing something wrong and I just needed to figure it out so I could get better. Lately, I have embraced being honest with myself and others about my medical condition and the massive limitations that come with it. It has been feeling really good to share more about it. In fact, I’m noticing that the more I share about it, the more I can feel my self-worth building. It’s like I’m breaking the cycles of abuse from my earlier years every time I share about myself and ask for extra support.

    I honestly feel that living with chronic fatigue has been what I’ve needed to unshackle myself and to learn that I am worthy of being listened to, cared for, supported and nurtured, both by myself and others. I have been feeling so supported lately and I really feel that it’s because I’ve given myself permission to have chronic fatigue syndrome and to be open about it. Isn’t that a funny concept? That by giving myself permission to actually be how I am has made my life easier and more enjoyable?

    I see that I am making really healthy choices each day for my body, soul and heart, and it’s okay to be exactly where I am at, even if I don’t always like it. I figure that I will keep doing my best to take care of myself and if my chronic fatigue will be healed, awesome. If it won’t in the near future or far future, then that will be awesome too. I’m really at a point where loving and caring for myself is what matters most, instead of just trying to get over myself or my circumstances.

    May this post lighten your load and inspire you about where you may be able to give yourself more permission in your life, including loving and accepting yourself. May you also know how special and wonderful you are, no matter what.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Disappointment

    The sun setting in our backyard

    Disappointment – a poem

    Note from me: I wrote this poem a few months ago and I’d been wondering where I saved it! Well, I found it this morning, and lo and behold, it has a similar feel to the one I published yesterday about Rage. I can feel how much easier it is for me to be with my strong feelings instead of pushing them down like I used to. I am finding so much strength in admitting my feelings, my weaknesses, my chronic fatigue and anxiety. I used to think that being human made me weak, but now I see that owning my humanity through being open and vulnerable, both with myself and others, is a friggin superpower.

    Disappointment.

    It is flowing through my bones.

    It seems to start deep down within me

    And it works its way up through my conscious awareness

    Until I feel it winding its way around my organs.

    It starts squeezing them, choking them off from their energy source.

    The disappointment seeps into every aspect of my beingness

    And it seems to want to choke me from the inside.

    Disappointment.

    I want to run away from it but there is nowhere I can hide

    Because it is everywhere within me.

    I want to drown it and be the one to choke it but I can’t seem to grasp it.

    The bitterness of the disappointment echoes everywhere within my body, which

    Keep it going and going and going.

    Disappointment.

    Why? 

    Why are people so disappointing?

    Why is the state of our world like this, so utterly disappointing?

    Why can’t we seem to overcome this madness, this unconsciousness?

    Either way, I won’t be able to answer these questions,

    Because it’s just me and this massive disappointment.

    I guess we’d better learn to coexist and hang out together.

    ……

    Hey disappointment….I know you’re here for a reason, an especially good reason.

    You are super valid.  People are pretty damn disappointing lately.

    Wanna watch a movie and eat some pizza together?

    Let’s keep each other company while we nurture these strong feelings.

    And may they be healed with every moment that I am honest about my experience, for myself, for the disappointed, for the ones causing disappointment and for all.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Trusting myself

    Sometimes I wonder how I got to be 42 and I’m only now deepening my trust in myself. Other times, I understand exactly how I am at this place. The most important point I’d like to make is that it is a huge accomplishment and blessing that I now trust myself. After a lifetime of second guessing myself and looking to others to know what’s in my best interests, I am feeling much more confident.

    What does trusting myself look like in every day life? Here are some examples:

    • following my intuition (my gut) even when people are giving me advice that is contrary to those feelings
    • knowing that I belong to myself, so that no matter where I go, I will be with myself, I will fit in and I will belong
    • trusting in my ability to make healthy and wise choices for myself instead of only following advice that is on a blog, in a book, on Facebook or from a friend or family member

    Now that I am more connected to who I am (and really, who I’ve always been), I am able to understand how little I trusted or believed in myself. I have been learning to tend the garden of my mind, heart, body and soul, and I am acquiring the skills I need to be my own eternal and precious gardener. I see now that I am the master gardener, even if I sometimes only feel like a beginner or intermediate gardener.

    I have committed to making my garden more cared for, tended and weeded. I can see, feel and sense the huge difference these last few years of care have made to my eternal garden. I wrote a poem called The Eternal Gardener for a friend of mine a few years ago. I thought it was for him and about him, but I always had this funny feeling that I was missing the mark. As I’ve been writing this post, I understand that it is really for me, from the deepest part of me to the part of me who forget herself and didn’t know how to trust herself.

    I am often humbled by the enormity of the wisdom and light that comes out of my fingertips as I type and from my mouth when I speak, and this is a time for me to truly trust that wisdom and light and acknowledge it in a more grateful and empowered way. This sentence really highlights the whole point of getting a PhD in Being Me and I truly hope that by reading this blog you are more empowered to become an expert if yourself too.

    I share this poem with all of you, from the depth of my heart and soul to the depth of yours. With every word you read of this poem, may it help facilitate, nurture and strengthen your trust and connection to the awesomeness you are, and have always been. With so much love, Bradlee.

    The Eternal Gardener

    I want you to know yourself as I know you;

    As the breath that we all breathe,

    As the song in the wind,

    As the light that warms our planet,

    As the balm that heals all wounds.

    I want you to know yourself as I see you;

    With all of the glory, beauty and purity of

    God’s holy name that whispers

    in each and every heartbeat.

    Your words are like magic as they weave through my being,

    neatly and tidily collecting all suffering and carrying it home to Heaven.

    You are a gift to all who meet you and I honour you.

    I honour that you need time to realize your beauty and divinity

    and that it is only my role to notice and compliment your gifts.

    It will be up to you to dance your dance,

    and to sing your song,

    with no judgement,

    thought of worthiness or

    regard for embarrassment.

    I will wait for you and I will be with you,

    to love you and encourage you, dearest gardener, as you plant

    your own seeds of love. 

    May you watch them grow

    and may you learn how to nourish them

    as you so effortlessly do for the souls you encounter.

    Take your time, dear gardener and tend your own

    precious garden and I will be here to rejoice with you

    as you watch the blossoming unfold.

    I will be here to shine my sunlight

    and offer some drops of my own water,

    should you ever need it.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • When I “should” myself instead of going with joy

    I mentioned in a previous post that I am off work for 5 weeks. I finally gave myself permission to ask for this leave because I knew I really needed it! I am incredibly grateful to have been supported in my request for this type of leave (leave with income averaging).

    This time off has given me a chance to learn more about myself and the topic of this post is choosing from a place of “shoulding” myself instead of what brings me joy.

    Have you ever done that? Thought to yourself, “I could read this amazing book in the bath, but I think I should work on my mental health instead.” I have done things like that countless times while I’ve been off. I think being off has helped me to realize what I have been doing.

    Choosing from a place of “should” is like an obligation. There is very little joy or pleasure to be found when doing something from that place. In fact, I’ve seen how much it throws me off when I do that. This morning, I had two choices for how I was going to spend my time, and I was thinking that watching a fun movie would be great. Then, I started “shoulding” myself and I was planning how I could “better” spend my time. That’s when it hit me! Choosing what brings me joy is always the right choice.

    For example, if I’m exhausted and I still have to clean up the kitchen, choosing to rest for 15 minutes and read a book that makes me happy is the right choice. After those 15 minutes, I’ll be filled with more peace, ease and contentment and washing the dishes won’t be such a chore and obligation.

    I invite you to join me to experiment with this concept and to write me a comment or contact me to share what you’ve experienced. If you’re already a professional joy chooser, I would also love to hear from you. How did you come to choose joy? Did you always choose that way or did you learn it?

    I send you all a big hug with many blessings of clarity and inspiration in all the choices and decisions you make, each day.

  • Notes to myself at 4am

    A cute little clock I drew on our chalkboard

    Do you ever wake up in the early morning hours and feel like you need to spend time with yourself? That happens to me every now and then. I usually don’t mind it because I feel like it’s the universe giving me a little nudge to discover what my heart, mind and body want to share. I have a couple of ways that I spend that time, including:

    1. lying in bed to hang out with myself and breathe
    2. reading a book
    3. taking a bath
    4. asking myself some questions and waiting to hear if there are any answers
    5. writing in a journal
    6. listening to audio from my favorite spiritual teacher Matt Kahn

    This weekend, I did numbers 1, 4, 5, and 6 and it was perfect for me. I really do feel it is a quiet time for me to get to know what’s bothering me or what I want to focus more on. It’s almost like I can be more honest and vulnerable with myself during that time when most others are asleep.

    The older I get, the more I realize that we are all different and different things work for each of us. It is my humblest wish that by sharing what works for me inspires you to discover what works best for you.

    In honour of that wish, I’m sharing one of my “4am notes to myself.” In this note, I’m reflecting on my time off work and how I’m doing. Whether this note resonates with you or not, may it help you connect more deeply with your little voice inside that just needs to be heard, not changed, but just heard.

    “Here I am, nearly 2 weeks after my last note, and I still feel tired out.  I guess I expected this time off work to be more restorative and fun.  Instead I am learning new and unexpected things:

    1. I don’t always have all the energy I’d like for myself, my family and home stuff, even without working and trips to my dad’s
    2. I am super sensitive to stress and it affects my digestion, mood, muscles, etc. 
    3. I have forgotten how to enjoy the present moment sometimes
    4. I really like making blog posts
    5. I love organizing even when I am tired
    6. I have more energy for cooking when I am off
    7. I have more time to spend outside and get refreshed even though I have little energy, I still use it wisely.
    8. I can take a lot of baths
    9. I have more energy for grocery shopping instead of just online shopping
    10. I am good at family and home organizing and I get more pleasure out of it when I am off
    11. I am great at finding books and shows that are interesting and make me feel good.

    I am proud of myself. I have been challenged in several ways during this time off and I am doing a great job meeting my needs and finding my way despite being tired and feeling less heart centered and like I have less love for others and even myself.  Its about damn time I acknowledge myself this positively when I feel this tired.”

    No matter how great or how shitty you feel, I acknowledge you. You matter and you are special. May you be blessed with much inner quiet so you can connect more deeply to yourself and know your needs. Big hugs!

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Inspiration from nature

    A photo I took this morning

    Lately I have been looking at nature to be inspired. Sometimes I don’t even try to find inspiration, it’s more like the beauty in nature is calling to me, asking me to be present and witness its beauty. Whenever this happens, I feel renewed, awakened and more alive. I make a special effort to breathe deeply and appreciate the majesty of what I am witnessing. It sures helps take my mind off the busyness of life and any problems I may be having.

    This morning, I was driving my dog Maggie to a dog daycare so she could run around and have fun with other dogs. It was a bit chilly and foggy. I was more thinking of dropping Maggie off and what I was going to eat once I got back home. Then, I followed a curve on my road and I saw such a gorgeous blend of green fields, fog and sun, as you can see from the image above. It completely brought me back to myself and the present moment.

    I dropped Maggie off and excitedly stopped by the side of the road to take more photos.

    A close up of the same field

    The beauty of the sun, field and clouds were really breathtaking. I felt so blessed and privileged to have extra time this morning to take in this gorgeous display. The funny thing was I had been complaining that my car windows were fogging up, but I quickly stopped after seeing these sights.

    From another angle – how spectacular!

    Whenever I feel anxious or rushed inside, I often get an important reset from nature. I love putting my bare feet on the grass, especially when it is cool and dewy. That feeling brings calmness to every part of me, especially if I can walk around for 5 minutes and take in the sights, feelings and smells.

    Sometimes, just looking up at the sky and turning around so I can see it from every angle is exactly what I need. I especially love watching the clouds move across the sky. They are constantly reinventing themselves; it seems like clouds change shape nearly every second. They remind me that I am not supposed to be or feel the same all the time.

    This image shows more of the clouds

    I am grateful for all the lessons I am learning from nature lately. Those lessons allow me to have more realistic expectations of myself as a human and inspire me to be more gentle and compassionate with myself. They also show me how deep, complex and majestic I am in all of my humanity.

    May you see, hear and feel all the ways that nature, Mother Earth and our great Creator love, nurture and inspire us all. Big hugs 💖💖💖.

    Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • The Whole Spectrum of Me

    An image of the planets in our solar system orbiting around the sun.
    The Solar System by NASA is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

    Lately I have been more acutely aware of how there is a lot more to me than I thought. I have been using the imagery of our solar system and all of the planets orbiting around the sun to help me.

    When I am lost in thoughts and am overwhelmed, I feel like I am the planet Pluto; orbiting very far away from the sun, my source of life and energy. Many times, I recognize that I am very far from my source and I stop what I am doing to give myself some self-care and to take some deep breaths. I find that is often enough to help me shift away from Pluto’s orbit and to move to an orbit closer to the sun.

    This is a big metaphor, but I think it’s actually really helpful! Imagine this:

    My attempt to explain what I feel about the whole spectrum of my being

    Note: I have learned that Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet, but I grew up with it as a regular planet, so I’ve opted to include it to be sentimental to my inner child.

    Each day, I strive to connect to my centre, the Sun in my solar system, but that doesn’t always feel possible. On those days, I do my best to breathe deeply, to be gentle with myself and to notice what is on the path of my orbit that day, no matter where I am at in my “inner” solar system. Sometimes the way I feel is unpleasant, but I am learning that feeling that way isn’t wrong, it’s just necessary at times. Without those times of being so far from my centre, how would I be able to appreciate it when everything is in perfect harmony and alignment?

    For example, last night I had one of the worst sleeps I’ve had in a long time. I love sleeping, it is enormously helpful and really necessary, especially with chronic fatigue syndrome. I was feeling so many aches in my body and I felt all out of sorts when I woke up. Instead of getting up and dreading the day, I decided to follow along with a progressive muscle relaxation and listen to a guided meditation for a positive start to the day.

    As I followed along with those recordings for 20 minutes, I felt my body starting to tingle and get warmer. It was like my body was helping me to see that by starting the day with self-care, I was moving myself closer to my centre, which was nourishing and helpful.

    I find the longer I spend getting to know myself, the more of an expert I become on being me. I like thinking that I am as complex as a solar system and that each planet and its orbit corresponds to a different aspect of who I am. I don’t think I’m only meant to feel as strong, powerful and life-giving as the sun all the time. In my experience, I grow and evolve so much when I am stuck in one orbit for awhile, even as much as I may not like what I’m experiencing while I’m there.

    Another way to look at this metaphor is to know that we are truly complex beings. If we only focus on one aspect of our lives, we will be out of balance. There are times when we need to spend more time on our career, and others when family life is most important. I think that is great and all of it works, but in my experience, getting nourishment from all aspects of me is very important. I strive to come back to a balanced place as often as I can, especially when I feel that my inner solar system is out of alignment.

    With every breath we all take, may we each feel, acknowledge and sense where we are in our individual solar systems and discern what we need to learn and experience, no matter where we are in our lives. May we all know what we need to return to our life-giving centre to nourish and strengthen us for the days ahead.

    Big hugs,

    Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Where does my power go?

    I am like a thief, carrying around a burgled bag of jewels, only I’m carrying around my power and I’m always scared of being caught holding it.

    Why would I be scared of owning and holding my power? Isn’t it mine? Doesn’t it belong to me?

    Despite the fact that I am carrying it around, sometimes I seem to lose it and I’m stuck wondering, where did my power go?

    Why it is even so separate from me? Why am I carrying it around instead of embodying it? Who first took it and did I give it willingly, thinking it would get me the love I so craved but couldn’t get or give to myself?

    In this last week, I watched myself give my power away and then feel ashamed, small and weak while others were trying to help me after I gave them such a valuable, treasured part of me. I wasn’t able to stop myself from giving it away and I got to see the devastating effect it had on me to be without it.

    Dearest power, I love you and I’m so sorry for thinking I could barter and give you away in order to be more whole. I want nothing more than to be with you, to live with you, to be full of you, to breathe you in more deeply with every inhalation. I want to hold you close and never let you go because you are a part of me and I need you. Dearest power, I need you, not whatever it is I was trading you for. I don’t ever want to cry the tears of our separation ever again, instead I want to dance in ecstasy with you and revel in the joys of our unification. I want to feel someone asking me to give you away to them and feel so overjoyed that I don’t need to do that anymore, knowing that you and I are forever as one.

    Dearest power, I love you and I’m so grateful to be writing this ode to you instead of crying tears over how I’ve given you away yet again.

    Dearest power, with every breathe I take, may I make the healthiest and wisest choices to keep us more healed, whole and integrated together than ever before and may we inspire others to do the same.

    Photo by Alex Andrews on Pexels.com

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • Life is different at the surface

    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    Do you ever feel like life has many layers and levels? Like it’s different when you live on the surface of the waters of your life, compared to the middle or even the deepest depths? Lately, I’ve been so aware of the difference. I will attempt to explain.

    You know the bugs that swirl in a little tempest around your head on a hot summer day? They are very small, but they consume so much space and they are very unsettling. When I’m living on the surface of my waters, there are lots of little bugs that fly all around my head. Those little bugs are like all the swirling thoughts that take up so much space in my mind, body and heart. They make it so hard to concentrate on what is really important. When I remember to take a few deep breaths, sit down and consciously choose how to spend my time and energy, I start to sink deeper into the waters of my life. From that place, there is less noise and there are less distractions. It is quieter within me.

    If I’m feeling really like I need to be replenished on the inside, I lie down for ten minutes or so, and I put my hand on my heart and the other on my belly. Then I just breathe and sink. The more I breathe, the more alive my body feels and the quieter it is inside of me. It’s like I have found the depths of my ocean and I am discovering new places, new insights, new viewpoints and new life.

    Our planet has so many levels within it, and each one has different types of life forms. I don’t think I’m any different. When I’m on the surface of me, I am scattered, aimless and easily overwhelmed. When I settle into a middle place, I am calmer, more confident and more grounded. Other days, I settle so deep into myself that I feel like I am one of those bottom dwellers in the ocean that have their own glow to light their way. I can feel the light and love pouring out of me and I feel ready to change the world. I love being in that deep place. I love being around other people when I have reached my depths because I feel like I can give them the deepest love living within me.

    On days when the chronic fatigue syndrome robs my body of any energy and my muscles, head and guts hurt from fatigue, I can still breathe deeply and reach my depths. Nothing can take those away from me. I am my depths no matter what. I can get there no matter what. I have tears in my eyes as I’m typing this because I had never really thought of it that way. I have control over how often I visit these beautiful unexplored caverns of goodness and light that are waiting to be explored. I don’t have control over how strong my chronic fatigue symptoms are, but I can control how easy I make it for myself on those tough days by making time and space for myself to rest easy within myself, deep below the surface.

    If this posts resonates with you, I invite you to write out or think about how it feels when you’re on the surface of your beautiful life versus deep in the depths. If you’ve never felt the difference, I honor you and I invite you to lie down, put your hand on your precious heart and breathe. Even if nothing changes, I believe the depths will be easier to sink into with each time you show yourself you matter more than what’s happening on the surface. I love you no matter what you’re going through. From my heart and depths to yours, I see you.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.

  • The process of maturing

    Photo by PhotoMIX Company on Pexels.com

    Lately I have been feeling like I am in a process. I also realized that I am not always kind to myself as I go through this process. I don’t think cheese sitting on a shelf to age and become more flavorful judges itself. I also don’t think that little seedlings are hard on themselves before their stems are strong and firm. So, why am I hard on myself for being “in process”? Hmmm…good question.

    The last month I have felt more vulnerable, more buried deep under layers of fog, like I couldn’t quite get to the sun behind the clouds. And for whatever reason, I started feeling like I shouldn’t be feeling that way, like there was something wrong with me for feeling that way. Just yesterday, I started feeling more strong and ready for life and I caught myself wondering what I did wrong over the past month that led me to feeling so unlike myself. I was blown away when I realized I was being quite hard on myself and judgmental too. If I had a friend going through a rough patch, I wouldn’t judge them and expect them to get over it…I hadn’t even been aware I was thinking of myself like that.

    I feel very blessed though, because my heart gave me the image of a little seedling that is planted indoors in the early spring and needs to be hardened off before it can be transplanted to a garden when the last frost has passed. There is nothing wrong with the seedling for needing to harden, it’s just the process it needs to go through. Then I thought about aged cheese, and how there is nothing undelicious about unripened cheese, it just becomes a whole different cheese once it’s been aged long enough. So the next question is, what if all these times of feeling less than ideal are really just times of ripening, maturing and growth in my life and that after those times, I also feel better, more resilient, and more ready for life? I LOVE that idea, especially since it came straight from my heart into my awareness.

    During that month of not feeling quite like myself, I tried cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, I did very light exercises for a few minutes at a time, I spent time outdoors, I rested and I did all kinds of things to show myself I was worth it and to see if I could feel better. None of those were miraculous cures. They all helped me, but none of them fast tracked me through the process I was going through. I think I just had to go through that process to emerge more mature, more resilient, more hardened off and ripened (to come back to my earlier metaphors). How beautiful is that? I don’t need to give up on myself when I’m having a hard time, but I also don’t need to rush the process, because the process is exactly what I need to go through.

    May you be blessed with so much ease, grace and light as you go through your own experiences of the process of maturity!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2022. All Rights Reserved.