Magic can happen when we let ourselves feel the whole experience of being human
Today feels like the kind of day where I need to remember to breathe in and out. To be with the rhythm of my breath, to breathe in, feel everything that is uncomfortable and actually breathe it out.
As I have written before, I am learning to be inspired by nature. Over the past few weeks, there has been freezing rain, lots of snow and very mild weather. I have seen trees cut down, and wasps coming out of their early winter sleep. Nature is whispering, “hey, it’s okay if things aren’t permanent. They’re meant to change, and so are you. Aligning with your breath is one way to remember that.”
And so, I breathe in, feel it all, exhale, and let whatever I have been holding onto out.
Whatever you are feeling today, I invite you to join me in putting your hand on your heart, smiling gently at yourself and inhaling nice and slow. If it feels right to you, give yourself a little compliment or some affirming words like, “hey honey, I am with you no matter what,” and breathe out. May you feel love, peace and comfort with every breath you take.
In my life, I have not been kind to my anger. I have denied it, suppressed it and turned it inwards instead of giving it a voice. I specifically remember times when I felt anger building within me and I told it and myself that I wanted to be nice and that my anger had no right to take over like that.
I have long known that I really harmed myself by taking that approach, and over the past several years, i have been learning how to feel anger, trust myself with anger, and to give it a voice.
I have written several blog posts and poems about anger, and have talked about my feelings of anger with others, but deep down, I still felt ashamed of my anger. I was giving myself permission to feel and experience it, but on one level, I was still not okay with anger.
Yesterday, I learned again that anger can be suppressed passion that needs to be expressed. I can give my anger room to breathe by expressing it creatively and artistically. Not by continuing to shove it down or judge it, but by capturing its full intensity through my writing, drawing, cooking, and whatever creative ways I can give it an uncensored voice. I acknowledge that throwing sticks or rocks while yelling is also very effective! I really enjoy doing that!
Learning about expressing my anger creatively gave me a deeper sense of peace. Feeling and expressing anger are a part of life, and I am learning it is safe for me to experience and express it. I can give myself full and complete permission to feel and express anger, even if sometimes I’d rather feel differently.
Thank you precious anger.
Thank you for coming to the surface of my being and refusing to stay banished within me.
Thank you for erupting from my depths to teach me about my worthiness, the importance of boundaries and needing space, and to trust instead of punish myself.
Thank you for giving me permission to be all of myself and for shedding guilt and shame about being a fully feeling human.
Thank you for energizing and galvanizing me during times of injustice. I love feeling the surge of anger that precedes me taking action to right a wrong, it is truly magnificent.
Thank you dearest body, mind, heart and soul for giving me the space and time to deny my anger, even though I was denying myself.
Thank you for reading this post.
Thank you, I am smiling. May we all be blessed with liberation from suffering, and the freedom to feel, trust and safely exptess our emotions.
The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.
We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,
You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.
I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.
Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.
If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?
If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.
A cozy country road where I live with a gorgeous sunset
Several years ago, I heard a beautiful analogy that really applied to my life: the different types of roads and the speeds allowed on each one to understand the various phases of life.
Right now, I am traveling on country roads. I can speed up and get on a two lane highway for a short period of time, but then I have to exit, and drive onto the roads with a lower speed limit and no passing allowed.
As I have written before, having chronic fatigue syndrome has been a huge adjustment for me, and really, it still is. I remember all the super fun and amazing stuff I did when I had more energy. I loved the fast pace of life when I was younger, but I also really craved down time to rest and be by myself. Now, I know how to spend time by myself without feeling lonely, and I love being quiet, resting, and driving on the country roads of my life at a slower speed.
There are many aspects of life that I have missed now that I am not traveling on the highways of my life, but there are many things I was missing on those roads. Living life at a slower speed and with physical limitations has taught me to truly BE with myself while I live. I have a deeper relationship with myself than I did before; I have learned to trust myself, to know what food and habits are best for me, and how to advocate for myself.
Exiting the highway and taking the country roads has been a privilege, even though at times it has felt like I got a really bad speeding ticket and haven’t been allowed on the highway 🙃.
Finding the blessings on the country roads has been awesome. I am so grateful for what these country roads are teaching me. I am a stronger and more compassionate person thanks to my time on these roads. Wherever you are in your life, may your journey be blessed with peace, love, light, and healing, and may you appreciate the view, no matter what speed you live at ❤️❤️.
When I am in a micro stage of life, I focus on what’s closest to me in greater detail and I don’t have as much energy for the bigger perspective or activitiesWhen I am in a macro stage of life, my focus is much broader and I can see the bigger picture and I have more energy to explore
I am working towards getting a PhD in Being Me, and that means learning about myself, noticing what I am feeling, and adjusting as necessary.
Lately, I have really started to understand that I go through phases where I have a micro or a macro focus. I used some images above to try to illustrate my experiences in both phases. I will also elaborate with some examples.
Currently, I am in a major micro phase. I work each day and beyond that, I really only want to focus on taking care of my mind, heart, body and energy, and taking care of my family and home. I have tried using social media, but it’s like I have an aversion to it. More likely though, I am being called inward, and as a result, my focus is much more narrow, or micro (small). In the past, I might have thought there was something wrong with me, but now I can feel the call inward and the narrowing of my focus, and I honor it. I am smiling as I type this, it feels good to be getting to know myself more. It also feels good to notice my ever evolving experience of life. I had thought that staying steady was the hallmark of success as a human. I was so wrong, hence my smiling as I write this.
This summer, I was in a macro phase. I was excited about my new job, the project proposal I was working on, and the feeling of being able to swim a bit more than last summer. My chronic fatigue syndrome symptoms weren’t as strong and I loved being in the cool river water. I spent time with family and friends, and I could feel the future I dream about where I am a self help author and speaker. It was lovely. Partway through September, I started feeling the inward pull and the need for quiet and simplicity. Isn’t that beautiful? Neither phase is better than the other, they are equally valid ways of experiencing life.
Sigh…..deep breath…..relief. No self-judgement, just glorious space to be exactly as I am, exactly as you are.
Where are you in your life? Do you experience similar phases to mine or different ones? No matter how you are experiencing life right now, may you be blessed with peace, compassion, love and inner harmony.
With love ❤️, Bradlee
Ps, I listened to this song on repeat while writing this post. It is absolutely gorgeous. May we all be blessed to hold ourselves, no matter what we are living through.
Fall is a time of transition for nature and for us. May we learn to meet our needs with love and compassion whenever we’re in transition.
It’s been over a month since my last post. That’s the longest I have gone without writing. In truth, I missed it. In reality, I needed to meet myself where I have been at, and take some steps towards greater self-care.
How does one even go about meeting oneself where they’re at? In my experience, it means recognizing my circumstances and my feelings and noticing how I am doing. For example, in the past month, even checking my social media felt beyond my capacity, let alone posting or commenting on anything. I also noticed that I was more easily anxious, angry and overwhelmed. Those were all cues that helped me to know that I needed to make some adjustments.
I tried talking about my feelings more, taking more baths, getting into bed earlier, watching more fun shows, and reading more, too. I also tool more breathing breaks throughout my days, and cheered myself on. Those all helped me through, but I could tell that more was needed. It was almost as if the transition to fall was making all of my leaves fall off, and I needed to rest and be still during this time of change. I’d also been feeling like so many unconscious behaviors were coming to the forefront of my days, and it was uncomfortable and messy.
Meeting myself where I am at. That’s been me the past month, and I am proud of myself for making efforts to make my days gentler during this time of transition. Do you feel the need to meet yourself where you’re at, instead of forcing yourself to be somewhere else? If yes, I invite you to join me and explore your needs, one healthy choice at a time. Big hugs!
I am feeling empty Hollow I exist only as a shell of myself
I can feel the need to look for me On Facebook, Instagram, in the eyes of another In writing this blog post
I have been here before It is lonely and vacuous And nothing I think, do, eat, or consume seems to touch it or fill me back up
So I rest I lie down I listen to my self-love playlist I close the door and spend time with my shell I breathe and watch my belly rise and fall I smile because why not And know I will feel better through being kind to myself instead of running away and trying to find me on the outside
I want to blame others for how I feel But I know how I am feeling is no one's fault It is a simple signal to stop, breathe, be with myself and pull out of the endless cycle of doing and consuming more
With every breath I take today, May I nourish, rejuvenate, and revitalize all parts of me May the echoes of my self-care reach you, no matter where you are or how you feel May we all turn inwards to find our peace and ourselves Big hugs and deep beautiful breaths to you
I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.
When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.
A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.
I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.
No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.
You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life
It brings a big smile to my heart to say that I’m sharing this poem below in honour of my friend Niveen. We just reconnected recently and she inspired me to share this poem. In talking to her, I shared how my poems come to life, and I’d like to share that with you too.
I’ve always been a sensitive empath who feels emotions really strongly. I didn’t understand that for the first 30ish years of my life, but now that I know it, it’s been easier to learn what I need to feel good. Writing out my feelings is a very helpful way for me to process them. As I’ve mentioned before, I used to just shove those feelings down. Learning how to feel them, give them space to be felt and to witness them has been a challenge for me, but a true gift because I know my feelings now. They aren’t as scary as they used to be because they know I’ll take the time to feel them, get to know them and hold space for them. Hmmm, I didn’t even realize I felt that way until I wrote it just now. Thanks Niveen!
Usually I know I am feeling some big feelings because I feel an inner pressure, like how it must be inside of a volcano for weeks before it erupts. I do my best to pay attention to that feeling. Sometimes I talk gently to myself when I feel like that, and other times, I just get in front of the computer and let the feelings do all the talking through my fingers. I sometimes cry or rage while I’m typing and I feel the pressure releasing the more I type. I’m always amazed that the feelings seem to resolve themselves by the end of the poem. There is also a pattern that I’ve noticed; by giving my feelings space and validity, then it frees up my inner wisdom to come forward and guide me with loving words to a conclusion. If you’ve read a few of my poems, you’ll notice that they often have a loving, peaceful resolution at the end. Every time I write, it’s like I’m learning to be my own best friend and supporter from the inside out. That is truly what getting a PhD in Being Me is about. Not trying to do what others do, but connecting so deeply into what works best for each of us.
And now, here is my poem, Bullied. I have felt this way at so many times in my life. With each time, I find more courage, strength and inner fire to speak up for myself, realize when enough is enough, and find safety. It is a true honour and privilege for me to be growing through my experiences.
May this poem help you and may you know how worthy you are of being respected and accepted for who you are. Big hugs!
Bullied – a poem
Here I am
Feeling bullied, disrespected and not listened to
I don’t know how people can be at such odds with one another
It’s like a cycle of force and struggle and I feel like I am the only one to see it
What the heck is going on
Why can’t we all just get along
Why do I have to do what I’m told or what others expect of me, even if it goes against my values and my thoughts of what is best
How in the world can I feel good while being put in these situations time and time again?
I guess it comes down to not being a victim and breathing deeply.
Knowing that who I am and how I care for me is more important than anything else.
I don’t think I need to put up with shit, but I also don’t need to get overly involved either.
It’s so sad, but it seems to be the way to survive and find the light to thrive.
I’m not sure how to go about this, but I’m going to breathe, acknowledge myself, ask myself to come along and see what happens next.
PhD in Being Me 