PhD in Being Me

Tag: Self-Love

  • Rejoicing and Grieving

    Forest with pine trees and blue skies and clouds in between the trees
    A quiet spot in the forest where I live

    Rejoicing and grieving.

    Two seemingly opposing feelings, and yet, I have felt them both most of the week.

    I wonder if that is how a birch tree feels? It is always growing, yet shedding its bark.

    A close up image of the bark on a birch tree peeling off.
    A beautiful golden birch from the back of our quiet, majestic forest

    I learn a lot from nature. It is always teaching me how to relate to myself more kindly and how to interpret and understand my emotions and experiences.

    This week, I witnessed a rare total solar eclipse and it was breathtaking.  I felt all tingly and warm in my body and I felt my soul being held, nurtured and inspired during the 2 minutes of totality.  And yet, afterwards, especially the next day, I felt more delicate, disappointed and angry.  While those emotions were arising, I was also rejoicing in the total beauty and awesomeness that I felt from the totality.  It was like I was being opened up to release some hurt while also celebrating the gorgeousness of what I witnessed. 

    This theme continued throughout the week.  For example, I was grieving the loss of innocence I experienced as a result of traumatic events in my life, and yet, somehow, I was also celebrating my awareness of the impacts of those tough times, which lessened my inner load and helped me feel more free and empowered.

    Also, yesterday I had the honour of volunteering at and attending a local youth musical theatre production of The Little Mermaid that my teen and 28 other super talented youth performed.  I was filled with joy and awe as I listened as a young actress sang as Ariel.  Her voice was so heavenly, I literally felt like I was being blessed and filled with love as she sang.  It was truly incredible.  I was rejoicing in the abundance of talent, dedication, and overall fabulousness of everyone involved. 

    This morning, I am still revelling and rejoicing but also mourning.  I remember when I was younger and I played so many sports and participated in so many activities.  Having chronic fatigue syndrome gives me many opportunities to rejoice in the healthy and wise choices I make to take care of myself.  Conversely, I also mourn the loss of energy I used to have.  I volunteered yesterday and it was so much fun, but it’s not something I can do often because of my limited energy reserves.  Mourning what I miss out on feels healthy, despite it being sad that I can’t, especially with my big, caring heart, do or help as much as I’d like.

    I learned this week that rejoicing and mourning are not mutually exclusive. What a beautiful gift this week has given me.  I can celebrate the majesty of nature and the tremendous, heavenly gifts of the youth in my community, all while grieving my past and present, and celebrating all the healthy decisions I make to care for myself.

    May you be blessed with so much gentleness as you experience all the richness and depth that life has to offer. 

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    A collection of photos from one of my walks in the forest this week.  The forest looks different with each passing day of spring, just as I keep growing, shedding the old, and blossoming anew.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Sitting with disappointment – a poem

    A winding path through the dense forest
    Photo by Anton Atanasov on Pexels.com

    Sitting with disappointment

    Here I am.
    Disappointed.

    I know disappointment is a part of life.
    I know that others will disappoint me
    And I will disappoint them.
    It doesn’t make it any easier when I’m feeling disappointed though.

    So here I am.
    Disappointed and writing about it.
    Writing about it helps me to be with my disappointment.
    To keep it company and to let it know
    That it is completely valid and allowed to be here.
    It also allows me to acknowledge that I am a human,
    And those who have brought on these feelings are human too.

    And with that, the sting of the disappointment lessens.
    We all do what we can and if it creates disappointment for us or others
    Then, maybe that’s okay.
    Maybe what’s really needed is to learn how to be with these uncomfortable feelings,
    With the “what if,” or “maybe this is why,” and the “only ifs.”

    To all of those who I have hurt, shamed, disappointed or angered, I am truly sorry.
    For you, and for me, I will sit with this disappointment and hold myself.
    I will honour my feelings and know that a caring smile directed towards my heart can help.
    A deep breath into my belly can help.
    Writing can help.
    And so can keeping myself company and loving each emotion as it arises.

    May you be well.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Under the ice

    Broken chunks of ice floating in water

    Last week, I wrote a post that had me full of inspiration. I was feeling like I had been in a metaphorical block of ice and I was enjoying the process of melting.  I was feeling free, energized and whole, and it was glorious.

    But, the melting didn’t stop there.  Instead, I started feeling more numb, frozen and fragile. I realized that there was still more metaphorical melting that hadn’t happened yet. Instead, I was feeling what was still frozen under the surface layer of ice. 

    It’s fascinating trying to explain what my inner life is like. I am very sensitive and self-aware, and sometimes, it can be very overwhelming, including this time around.

    So, I went for a walk in the woods and cried.  I walked some more and cried more. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to hold space for these frozen states of my beingness.  And so, I admitted that to myself and asked for guidance about how I could help myself.

    After the walk, I found myself inspired to do some outdoor chores and move my body around a lot. I did that yesterday too.  This morning the feelings got more intense, like they were amplifying, and I felt myself wanting to keep busy so I could distract myself. Luckily, I noticed and sat with my discomfort and talked to my lovely husband about it.  All of that helped.

    Under the ice, there was more that needed my care and attention. I needed to witness those feelings and be with them as they thawed from that frozen place.  I don’t expect this to be the last time I will do this for myself, and I imagine it will feel and be different every time.

    This week taught me to be more compassionate, gentle and patient with myself, even though all I wanted was to run away from myself.  The spring equinox has passed and it has guided me through my own spring equinox. 

    May this post help all readers who are in need of some self-compassion to turn within and be a witness to their vulnerability. 

    Thanks for reading. May you be well.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Getting caught up

    A maze with green walls
    Sometimes I get stuck in the maze of my thoughts before I remember what’s important to me

    As an empath, it is easy for me to get caught up in the feelings someone brings to their interactions with me. Recently, I have been temporarily overwhelmed by the intensity of what I am feeling, and it’s like I am stuck in a maze of those feelings. Sometimes for hours, or even a day or two.

    I often remind myself that those feelings aren’t mine, but when I feel them so acutely, it can be hard to remember. It’s currently 5 in the morning and those feelings are still banging around in my consciousness, keeping me from feeling settled. But, thankfully, inspiration has struck! I have remembered what is important to me, which is getting a PhD in Being Me, not in being someone else, but lovely, sweet me.

    So what does that mean? It means I recognize I was lost in a maze of someone else’s feelings, but I have realized that it’s not my maze to get out from. In other words, I was attending classes in their PhD program, before remembering that all that matters is taking care of me, which includes focusing on me, and what I can do to continue to get a PhD in Being Me. No one else but me.

    I had some other imagery pop into my awareness a month or so ago to help me through this time. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself existing within a circular boundary line, and there were holes in it. I saw people and their concerns and force coming right through those holes, and bouncing around within the inner sanctuary of my boundary line. I saw it so clearly, and realized how long that had been going on in my life. I took several breaths, and saw my boundary circle fortifying and completing itself, which brought me much inner peace.

    A wise friend recently reminded me how others are here to teach us and help us to grow. I see that so clearly in terms of what’s been happening recently. So thank you to those who so easily come through the weak spots in my boundaries. Thank you for reminding me to focus on myself, and what’s important to me. I expect I will continue to learn this until it becomes so effortless, but in the meantime, even though it is unpleasant sometimes, I must admit that I always feel triumphant when I have these realizations.

    No matter what’s going on in your life, may you be blessed with strong boundaries, a gorgeous sense of self, and the confidence to live as the true and complete beauty of your sweetie self.

    With love, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved.

  • Welcome into my heart

    A heart made of daisies

    I have a big, caring heart

    I love sharing my heart with others and inviting them in to sit at my heart’s warm hearth

    To rejuvenate, restore, be filled up so I can hold space for them

    This is who I am at my core

    A big, caring, welcoming heart who wants to share her love, compassion, and openness

    I forget this sometimes, and that is when I need more self-care and quiet time to sit with and reconnect with the warmth in my own heart

    I haven’t always known about my heart and it’s incredible openness and generosity

    And now that I do, after many, many years of healing from self-hate and learning to turn inward, all I want is to tend the fire in my heart so I can share it with others

    Welcome into my heart, may it bless you with all you need to be reminded and reconnected with the glory within your own heart and being

    Welcome into my heart, just as you are

    May you be well

    A small red fabric heart held on two open palms

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Breathing in and actually letting it out

    Northern lights with blue and green hues
    Magic can happen when we let ourselves feel the whole experience of being human

    Today feels like the kind of day where I need to remember to breathe in and out. To be with the rhythm of my breath, to breathe in, feel everything that is uncomfortable and actually breathe it out.

    As I have written before, I am learning to be inspired by nature. Over the past few weeks, there has been freezing rain, lots of snow and very mild weather. I have seen trees cut down, and wasps coming out of their early winter sleep. Nature is whispering, “hey, it’s okay if things aren’t permanent. They’re meant to change, and so are you. Aligning with your breath is one way to remember that.”

    And so, I breathe in, feel it all, exhale, and let whatever I have been holding onto out.

    Whatever you are feeling today, I invite you to join me in putting your hand on your heart, smiling gently at yourself and inhaling nice and slow. If it feels right to you, give yourself a little compliment or some affirming words like, “hey honey, I am with you no matter what,” and breathe out. May you feel love, peace and comfort with every breath you take.

    Big hugs.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2023.

  • Giving my anger a voice

    An empty field with a darkening sky with a magnificent thin stretch of pink clouds at the horizon.

    In my life, I have not been kind to my anger. I have denied it, suppressed it and turned it inwards instead of giving it a voice.  I specifically remember times when I felt anger building within me and I told it and myself that I wanted to be nice and that my anger had no right to take over like that.

    I have long known that I really harmed myself by taking that approach, and over the past several years, i have been learning how to feel anger, trust myself with anger, and to give it a voice.

    I have written several blog posts and poems about anger, and have talked about my feelings of anger with others, but deep down, I still felt ashamed of my anger.  I was giving myself permission to feel and experience it, but on one level, I was still not okay with anger.

    Yesterday, I learned again that anger can be suppressed passion that needs to be expressed.  I can give my anger room to breathe by expressing it creatively and artistically.  Not by continuing to shove it down or judge it, but by capturing its full intensity through my writing, drawing, cooking, and whatever creative ways I can give it an uncensored voice.  I acknowledge that throwing sticks or rocks while yelling is also very effective! I really enjoy doing that!

    Learning about expressing my anger creatively gave me a deeper sense of peace.  Feeling and expressing anger are a part of life, and I am learning it is safe for me to experience and express it.  I can give myself full and complete permission to feel and express anger, even if sometimes I’d rather feel differently. 

    Thank you precious anger.  

    Thank you for coming to the surface of my being and refusing to stay banished within me.  

    Thank you for erupting from my depths to teach me about my worthiness, the importance of boundaries and needing space, and to trust instead of punish myself.

    Thank you for giving me permission to be all of myself and for shedding guilt and shame about being a fully feeling human.

    Thank you for energizing and galvanizing me during times of injustice.  I love feeling the surge of anger that precedes me taking action to right a wrong, it is truly magnificent. 

    Thank you dearest body, mind, heart and soul for giving me the space and time to deny my anger, even though I was denying myself.

    Thank you for reading this post.

    Thank you, I am smiling.  May we all be blessed with liberation from suffering, and the freedom to feel, trust and safely exptess our emotions.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Trying – a poem

    Trying – a poem

    I am so tired of trying.

    Trying to make life work with a limited amount of energy.

    Trying to make healthy choices so i dont get worse.

    Trying at work, at home and with friends and family, and everywhere else.

    Trying is exhausting.

    Today i surrender to who i am, to my reality and to my limitations. I just can’t keep trying, i need to be exactly as i am.

    I am sorry to those i may disappoint. I can no longer disappoint myself and ignore my needs for the sake of others and their expectations.

    Ahhhh, some relief and space.

    I can only be me, so here i am

    limited, tired and in need of self care.

    I take myself as i am and i hope you can too.

    A note: this poem is for my heart and innocence and for everyone who is trying so hard. I honour you and send you big hugs.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023.

  • Empathy is my super power

    A beautiful sunset sky with purple, yellow, pink and orange clouds.

    The other day, I was having a conversation at work, and I said some very wise words that helped me to know that empathy is my superpower.

    We were talking about some people who seem superhuman because they can work 16 hour days for long periods of time. My colleague seemed like they were judging themselves for not being able to do that, and I said something like,

    You have superhuman powers at work even if you don’t work 16 hour days. You bring empathy, compassion, and understanding to your employees, and that is a superpower.

    I could tell it helped my colleague for me to recognize their awesomeness and it sure helped me. It is easy for me to judge myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome and for not having bountiful amounts of energy. It isn’t always easy to remember the wonderful ways that I contribute to the lives of those around me thanks to my empathy, compassion and understanding. I was grateful for a chance to be reminded of that.

    Living with empathy and leading with kindness and compassion are true bad ass ways of living. It is much easier to judge others, push them away or to “other” them. I know that because over the last 20 years I have been unlearning those habits and have been opening up to the wellspring of light, love, care and compassion that were always within me, just waiting to be discovered.

    If you are reading this, I am smiling at you! I am encouraging you and cheering you on! What might your superpower be? Are you up for taking a moment to acknowledge the good you do just by being exactly as you are?

    If you don’t know what your superpower is yet, may you have a joyful time discovering it. May you get a PhD in Being You each and every day as you get to know yourself better.

    I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Life on country roads

    A country road with a beautiful sunset in the background
    A cozy country road where I live with a gorgeous sunset

    Several years ago, I heard a beautiful analogy that really applied to my life: the different types of roads and the speeds allowed on each one to understand the various phases of life.

    Right now, I am traveling on country roads. I can speed up and get on a two lane highway for a short period of time, but then I have to exit, and drive onto the roads with a lower speed limit and no passing allowed.

    As I have written before, having chronic fatigue syndrome has been a huge adjustment for me, and really, it still is. I remember all the super fun and amazing stuff I did when I had more energy. I loved the fast pace of life when I was younger, but I also really craved down time to rest and be by myself. Now, I know how to spend time by myself without feeling lonely, and I love being quiet, resting, and driving on the country roads of my life at a slower speed.

    There are many aspects of life that I have missed now that I am not traveling on the highways of my life, but there are many things I was missing on those roads. Living life at a slower speed and with physical limitations has taught me to truly BE with myself while I live. I have a deeper relationship with myself than I did before; I have learned to trust myself, to know what food and habits are best for me, and how to advocate for myself.

    Exiting the highway and taking the country roads has been a privilege, even though at times it has felt like I got a really bad speeding ticket and haven’t been allowed on the highway 🙃.

    Finding the blessings on the country roads has been awesome. I am so grateful for what these country roads are teaching me. I am a stronger and more compassionate person thanks to my time on these roads. Wherever you are in your life, may your journey be blessed with peace, love, light, and healing, and may you appreciate the view, no matter what speed you live at ❤️❤️.

    Thanks for reading and big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

    A dog sleeping on his back on a couch, completely stretched out!
    This is our dog Archie, he is the master of relaxation sometimes, and super high-energy and playful at other times