Rejoicing and grieving.
Two seemingly opposing feelings, and yet, I have felt them both most of the week.
I wonder if that is how a birch tree feels? It is always growing, yet shedding its bark.
I learn a lot from nature. It is always teaching me how to relate to myself more kindly and how to interpret and understand my emotions and experiences.
This week, I witnessed a rare total solar eclipse and it was breathtaking. I felt all tingly and warm in my body and I felt my soul being held, nurtured and inspired during the 2 minutes of totality. And yet, afterwards, especially the next day, I felt more delicate, disappointed and angry. While those emotions were arising, I was also rejoicing in the total beauty and awesomeness that I felt from the totality. It was like I was being opened up to release some hurt while also celebrating the gorgeousness of what I witnessed.
This theme continued throughout the week. For example, I was grieving the loss of innocence I experienced as a result of traumatic events in my life, and yet, somehow, I was also celebrating my awareness of the impacts of those tough times, which lessened my inner load and helped me feel more free and empowered.
Also, yesterday I had the honour of volunteering at and attending a local youth musical theatre production of The Little Mermaid that my teen and 28 other super talented youth performed. I was filled with joy and awe as I listened as a young actress sang as Ariel. Her voice was so heavenly, I literally felt like I was being blessed and filled with love as she sang. It was truly incredible. I was rejoicing in the abundance of talent, dedication, and overall fabulousness of everyone involved.
This morning, I am still revelling and rejoicing but also mourning. I remember when I was younger and I played so many sports and participated in so many activities. Having chronic fatigue syndrome gives me many opportunities to rejoice in the healthy and wise choices I make to take care of myself. Conversely, I also mourn the loss of energy I used to have. I volunteered yesterday and it was so much fun, but it’s not something I can do often because of my limited energy reserves. Mourning what I miss out on feels healthy, despite it being sad that I can’t, especially with my big, caring heart, do or help as much as I’d like.
I learned this week that rejoicing and mourning are not mutually exclusive. What a beautiful gift this week has given me. I can celebrate the majesty of nature and the tremendous, heavenly gifts of the youth in my community, all while grieving my past and present, and celebrating all the healthy decisions I make to care for myself.
May you be blessed with so much gentleness as you experience all the richness and depth that life has to offer.
Big hugs, Bradlee
© Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved
PhD in Being Me 