Instead of getting all riled up by my feelings, like I was earlier today, I wondered if it would help me to think of them like a little “check engine” light. Nothing personal, nothing to fix, get over, analyze or heal from, but an indicator that some care is needed.
If you’ve been reading my posts lately, I have been writing about my changing relationship with my most complex and challenging emotions and feelings. I am learning how to allow my feelings, how to stay present with them, and to feel them as opposed to focusing on the events from my past that they likely stemmed from.
So, this metaphor came to me tonight. What if resentment, for example, is like a “check engine” light or a “check oil” light. One that reminds me that I need care (not a car service, tee hee). And that likely I have been sacrificing myself or not meeting my needs. That seems pretty simple. I felt some serious resentment over the smallest thing this evening before I realized that the last few weeks have been challenging and I needed rest. When I thought of it this way, I didn’t feel as angry and resentful, but instead, it was super easy to tell myself I had done more than enough today and that I should lie down and watch TV. It made a big difference to my experience of those big feelings. It gave me a bit of separation from them and made me feel mature, grounded and able to take care of myself.
This realization helped me acknowledge more deeply that I haven’t been feeling great all week, and that I have been doing an excellent job experimenting with how to care for myself during this stressful week. It’s easy for me to feel like a victim, and choiceless, but in writing this post and reflecting, I see that through small actions and choices this week, I showed up for myself, even when I got super triggered, exhausted and overwhelmed.
I am open to exploring those big emotions as a “check engine” light that is here to help me meet my needs in each moment. Tonight, I need to get into bed early, read and go to sleep!
I am different lately. Turning 46 has been a big one for me. I am no longer a young person, I am closer to 50 than to 40, and I can tell that I view life differently than the youth I am around. My skin looks more wrinkly, my face looks older, and my body seems a bit more fragile.
I don’t think all is lost, but there is some grief for me during this time. I don’t have a young child anymore, and I won’t be walking down the street holding a tiny hand any longer (not that I have in years). I see young people who run down the street, so full of life and energy and I mourn the loss of my own youth and energy, although chronic fatigue syndrome plays a big role in that.
I look at my precious husband and hope we have so many more years of hand holding, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. And I wonder how long we will live in our cute little house in the country. I hope that our son will have his parents around for many, many more years to come. I look forward to cheering for him as he navigates and explores his life and how best to live it.
I am not lost in these feelings of grief and hope, rather they seem to flow in and out of my mind as I live my life. I am not trying to get away from the thoughts because grief and I have become friends over the years, and I know that it is a part of being a human, just as much as joy and love.
I have had such an amazing life up to now, despite all the hardships and things I could have done without, and the grief I feel honours this. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband and son, or such a quiet life in the country. I am so grateful for the innocence that I have within me, the grace and power too, and my big, huge belly laughs. None of that is over, but so much else feels like it is after turning 46. My internal suffering is easing slightly as I learn more what I need, and that is such a relief, but it may also be contributing to these feelings of grief. Who might I be without all this pain, anxiety, loneliness, exhaustion and sadness that I have felt for so long? I wonder 🌸🌟.
Well, to the me who came before, the one who is healing, the one who has never needed healing, and the me who is living today and every future day, I say, well done. You have made it. No matter what the future holds, I am with you. Every tear, every fear, every laugh, every wrinkle and every moment has brought me here, and I wouldn’t be me without it all. Grief and joy, all together, for this opportunity to live this exact life, even though I have tried to resist it and get away from it. I am here, learning to allow, to feel, to open my heart to it all.
Sometimes I feel the emotional pressure building up inside me, and I feel this urge to flee the pressure and the feelings. Sometimes I distract myself. But sometimes, I am brave and I turn toward it, instead of trying to get rid of it.
I have this pressure on the left side of my jaw that comes and goes. I learned recently that I can sit with that pressure and tell it, “I am here. I want to understand you, not force you or make you go away. I am here.” Apparently, when we lean in towards discomfort, it signals to our brain that the uncomfortable sensation is safe and not a threat.
That makes a lot of sense to me. I had done a lot of energy healing work in the early 2010s. It was incredibly helpful for me in many ways, but it was quite damaging in others. It ended up teaching me to try to get rid of any feeling in my body that wasn’t “of the light,” so I got scared of the heavy feelings and was always in a rush to do some healing process to get rid of it. I understand how energy healing (at least the way I was taught) really amplified the lack of safety I already had in my mind and body and made me more anxious. It also made me feel like I couldn’t be me, as I was, that I needed to keep striving for better and more healing.
Ah, hindsight, eh? The good news is I understand myself more now, and I have a greater sense of my needs and what works for me. So, the idea of turning towards physical and emotional discomfort with care, presence and allowing is very refreshing and exciting for me.
As a way of preparing myself better for future discomfort and being open and allowing, I am drafting some language I can draw on:
I am here for you and with you. You are welcome here.
I am with you and it’s a joy to be with you.
I love you and I am here. Thank you for being here, and thank you for teaching me how to be with you.
You are allowed to be here and I would love to get to know you.
I am here, is there anything you’d like me to know?
The important thing for me is not to try to say these things when I need them, but to actually feel curious, caring and compassionate and then offer those words above with those sentiments. Otherwise, I will just be covertly trying to fix or manage myself instead of giving myself a gift of care, allowing and compassion. I am going to experiment with this and see if I can truly feel into allowing in my body instead of just trying to do it with my thoughts.
I look forward to sharing an update in the future.
May you be well, and if you’re up for sharing, I’d love to hear what works for you ❤️❤️, Bradlee
Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being
It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion. It is much deeper than a lack of rest. It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels.
Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too. There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖. I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.
For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady. Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at.
Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can.
There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food. Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it. Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.
Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat. If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed. If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards. I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance! As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party! Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.
Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help. That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this! I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me. I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself.
Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles. The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity. I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome. How about that! I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years.
Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day. Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into. Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day. Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.
I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue. I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too. Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me. After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health. It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.
If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs. It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things. I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame. May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need. And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them. That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.
I send you lots of care and smiles. Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,
Bradlee
Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love
At some point during the last several years, I started looking down when I walked to make sure I wouldn’t trip or fall. I have been very delicate and vulnerable mentally and physically so looking down makes sense, even though I have been far from an age where a fall would have been catastrophic.
I knew I was doing this, but I hadn’t realized just how much that was reflecting how I felt in the world. How I needed to watch out, be careful and keep an eye out for potential hazards.
In the fall of 2025, I did an exercise my art therapist suggested to help me focus a bit more outward. I was nailing the “meeting my needs” bit and she suggested I look more broadly at my needs from a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social perspective. I wrote about my initial efforts with this homework in September https://phdinbeingme.ca/2025/11/10/boundaries/.
Since that time, I notice that it is easier to look up when I am walking. Easier to notice aspects of my life that have been neglected due to my health limitations. Easier to see more of me and life’s possibilities, even while I am unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome and mental health challenges.
And so, I am finding it easier to remember to look up and ahead, to remember that I am more than my tough days, and that I have survived each tough day so far, and I can do it again. I can work, slowly but surely, to create safety in my body, mind and heart and celebrate when I give myself kindness and compassion. I can write what’s in my heart because sharing stories matters and reminds us that we are all connected in our humanity, even if our experiences are different.
Wherever you are, whether you are looking down or upward, I send you smiles, care and kindness!
Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog? Archie is such a sweet cutie pie. I love this photo of him. It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.
Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself. I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome. He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self.
He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not. He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food. And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life. Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.
And so, here it is, what I want out of life:
Rest for my tired body
Quality time with my husband and son
A walk with the dogs
Chances to connect with friends and family
Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
Preparing and eating delicious food
Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings
That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it? I get all of that, every day. Isn’t that miraculous? Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience. I’ll do my best to remember that! In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong. So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel. Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.
And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard. A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.
It’s the last day of 2025 for me, and I can’t help but think, “wow, this is the last time I’m going to eat lunch in 2025,” and “this is my last day in 2025, I’d love to make sure I enjoy the little moments.” Transitioning to a new year feels like a big deal to me, especially this year.
At the start of 2025, I participated in an art workshop for women, and I created a piece that was about giving myself permission to put myself first and to take care of my health.
My 2025 art piece
As I look back on 2025, I see how much I’ve been doing that. I’ve been learning so much and I am so proud of the changes I’ve made, the work I’ve done and the person I am becoming. I hung this canvas right by my bed and it is really refreshing to look at it when I wake up, go to bed and when I’m resting during the day.
I called 2025, “The Year of Self-Care,” with the words, “no more self-sacrifice, giving myself permission to heal, restore and be,” as a guide. I have been off work for over a year now to take care of my health and I’ve been taking steps to get to know myself more, to acknowledge, hold and heal my pain and to learn strategies for making healthier choices as I navigate life with chronic fatigue syndrome.
I don’t have life figured out any more than any one else, but I do know that I need rest. I’ve been learning how to give myself more quality rest and tools to help bring greater safety to my nervous system. Both of those are major accomplishments for me, woohoo!
I was inspired to reflect on 2025 and to get ready for 2026 by Self-Love Rainbow. In their December 29th newsletter, they recommended finding a word of the year. I love the content from Self-Love Rainbow because it’s always so full of compassion, care, respect, inspiration and cuteness. These are the prompts from their newsletter (in quotation marks) that I’m going to complete for myself below too:
“Choose Your Word of the Year: Choose a word-of-the-year to guide how you want to feel or show up this year. Not a goal. Not a personality overhaul. Just a concept you want to bring into your life.”
– My word of the year is rest.
“One Word for 2025: In the middle of a piece of paper, write down one word that describes this year. Then branch off from that and describe the things that made it feel that way. Honest answers only. Hard words are allowed.”
– Hard work! I know it’s supposed to be one word, but that is the main theme of this year. I applied for disability, advocated for myself, went to many appointments, tried so hard to fix myself, and then through therapy, started to slowly decompress and relax into being as I am. I am still slowing down from all the years where I kept going with chronic fatigue syndrome, even after a year off work. I think that speaks volumes to how much pressure I was putting on myself and how hard I was working to keep going. Both of those made it harder to feel into how I was actually doing physically and emotionally because I was so panicked about not applying for disability.
So ya, hard work really describes this year, so does slowing down, exploring permission for myself, developing more compassion for myself, learning to hug myself on the inside, learning to speak about my hurt and bring it to life through art therapy, learning to notice when I was making decisions that weren’t in my best interests and learning why I was doing that, etc. I’ve really loved 2025, as hard as it’s been. I feel reborn even though I’m unwell and exhausted. It’s like my spirit is feeling renewed and seen, and that’s really refreshing. May that continue!
“One Word for Your Needs Right Now: If your body or heart could speak in one word, what would it ask for?”
-Rest!
“One Word for Who You Are: Not who you should be. But the person you are when no one else is asking something from you.”
-Relaxed. Quiet. Reflecting. Peaceful. Sad. Lonely. Healing. Learning. Evolving. Shedding. I couldn’t just think of one word, because I often feel different, depending on what is going on.
My word for 2026 is rest, and as a part of that, I’d like to focus on being exactly as I am, not better, not healed, not like I was when I was younger, but me, all of me, exactly as I am each day, even if it’s uncomfortable to be me. I’d like to not fight myself in 2026, but turn towards myself with open arms and a willingness to learn, hold space for myself and love myself. I don’t need to excel at this, but gently aim for it, give myself grace and compassion on the hard days and know that’s okay even if I resist my life or fight myself sometimes.
May your 2026 be full of peace, grace, ease, happiness and joy. And if you need inspiration to reflect on 2026, I totally recommend checking out Self-Love Rainbow’s site and workbooks (no pressure!). I’ve learned a lot about myself from their helpful and sweet tools!
I have recently learned about the value of writing out the tough feelings I have, without limits or censoring, and then ripping it up.
I was a bit skeptical at first, but there is something so freeing about writing with no limits until my hand hurts, and feeling all the emotion pouring out onto the page. The tearing and ripping part is extremely satisfying too.
I’m seeing a nurse practitioner who is a functional medicine specialist and she said that it would help me in my healing journey to get my feelings out. She even said that I may stay sick if I don’t get the feelings out. I am a very self-aware person and I honestly thought I was processing my feelings and getting them out through the art therapy I am doing. And there is no doubt I am, but it’s a different type of getting it out to write things I would never be able to say out loud, the deep, dark, really nasty things, and then tearing it up so I can let it go.
The first time I did it, I had no idea what I was going to write about, but then I just kept writing letter after letter to people who had made me feel uncomfortable, hurt or violated and all these powerful words, feelings and thoughts came right out onto the page. I’ve probably done it 10 times or more now and it’s always very liberating. Especially when I swear and say things out loud while I’m ripping the papers. I even brought some of the paper scraps outside a few weeks ago and burned them, all while loudly cursing, and letting other words flow out and then I stomped on the ashes. Oh ya, that was pretty damn satisfying.
It’s funny, because I’m a nice, gentle and caring person, but I also have a fierce, and powerful part of me, and that part came out and took the lead in helping me express these emotions that I banished to deep parts of myself because they weren’t “nice” enough to acknowledge. Well, now I am acknowledging them and it feels good. I feel like my power was lost when I hid those deep and dark feelings away, or maybe it just took a lot of power to keep those feelings locked deep inside me. I’m not sure, but writing, ripping and tearing is helping me access them. My art therapist was very supportive of the approach too, so the technique has the backing of a few health care professionals, which is neat!
Are there some scary or stagnant feelings that you want to let out and move on from? If so, you can consider if you’d like to give this a try. If you have lots of unprocessed trauma or trauma that you are processing, you may want to do it close to an appointment with a therapist or other mental health care professional or with a close condfidante so you can have any support if triggering feelings or situations come up in your writing.
I find doing some gentle things after writing helps, like putting my hand on my heart and taking a few deep breaths and telling myself that I am here, or doing some havening, which is deeply comforting. Havening is when you use your hands to gently rub your legs or your arms. It may be other things too, but that’s what I’ve learned so far from how far I’ve gotten in my Primal Trust program. Here’s a video of me doing the havening that I learned. My cutie husband stands up at the end, so you may get a glimpse of him :).
I am really enjoying learning new ways of taking care of myself. May you be inspired about the best ways for taking care of yourself and may we all remember that we are very worthy of healing, even if it’s been a long, long journey, like mine.
I am exploring boundaries in therapy and in my daily life. I have heard about boundaries a lot over the years, but hadn’t done a big exploration of what they are and aren’t in my life, why I need them and how they can help.
So far, I have identified what it feels like when:
My boundaries are violated
I don’t know what my boundaries are
I constantly have to defend and protect myself
I don’t feel safe or worthy to have boundaries.
These are important steps for me. Recognizing these feelings and realities is hard, but an important step in healing and understanding what I need going forward.
As a part of this, I am taking a look at my life’s bigger picture so I can make healthier decisions for myself. My art therapist had suggested that I look at the emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual big picture of my life so I can evaluate where I need to put more care.
She gave me a resource document with different questions to prompt my exploration of my bigger picture. I had a great time! I hadn’t realized how narrow of a focus I had until I started. And…it made me feel more empowered, which was tremendous. It helped me realize how unwell and sick I am and how it is important for me to keep learning new ways to take care of my physical and mental health.
I started the work at home, and then continued it by the Rideau River, which was inspiring and calming 💖.
My view sitting by the Rideau RiverMy feet, legs and notebook!The rocks and my self care, big picture chart
Wherever you are in your health journey and life, I send you lots of care and smiles. I am taking it one day at a time and its okay if you need to too. Big hugs and lots of care,
Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life. The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.
I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad. It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help. Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone. I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me. It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.
I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again. I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.
PhD in Being Me 