PhD in Being Me

Tag: self-care

  • What it feels like (for me) to have chronic fatigue syndrome

    Mixed media art, with a pencil and marker drawing of a sleeping woman, surrounded by colorful fabric in soothing colors, wooden birds, puffy pink hearts.
    Art that was inspired by the most exhausted parts of my being

    It’s hard to explain just how exhausting it is to have chronic fatigue syndrome.  It’s taken me years to really and truly understand that rest doesn’t cure this type of exhaustion.  It is much deeper than a lack of rest.  It is an exhaustion down to the cellular and soul levels. 

    Before I get much further in my writing, I’d like to acknowledge that this represents my experience and no one else’s. I know others who have chronic fatigue syndrome and there are some similarities between us, but important differences too.  There are some people who don’t have even a tiny fraction of the limited energy that I do, which I can fathom from my worst days, weeks and months, but can’t truly understand 💖.  I hope that my words find those who need to read them and that each person with chronic fatigue be surrounded and filled with so much help, support, compassion, healing and love from inside and out.

    For me, chronic fatigue is like living at the speed that a turtle or snail needs to go at, not fast, but just slow and steady.  Sloths are also super cute and make me feel better about the pace I need to do things at. 

    Another analogy for chronic fatigue is when a computer runs in energy saving mode, the screen is a bit darker, things move slower, all in an effort to conserve. And it stays in that mode, because the charger can only replenish the computer battery so much for some reason. That’s probably the closest comparison. Physical and cognitive tasks really drain my battery, and experiencing big emotions do too, so I’m often working to maintain some sliver of balance or to regain balance whenever I can. 

    There have been days/weeks/months where I needed to lie down so I could breathe deeply enough or so that I would have enough energy to digest my food.  Some days I can run errands, and it takes a toll on me, but accomplishing something and getting to smile at people is so worth it.  Other days, I avoid the grocery store where I have to pack my own bags because it’s too tiring for me to do it.  

    Some days, I can sit up for quite a few hours, but I need to find ways to recline, lean back, rest my head or lie flat.  If I don’t, I start to feel weak, light headed, dizzy, anxious and overwhelmed.  If I use my muscles too much, like with gardening, or household chores, then I feel weak and vulnerable for 2-3 days afterwards.  I can do gentle exercise for 10 minutes or less, depending on the day, and I can dance!  As long as it’s only one or two songs where I really have a kick ass party!  Then I tone it down and just enjoy myself instead of full on dancing because it’s too tiring.

    Sometimes the thought of cooking a meal for myself or my family is too tiring and I need to lie down and ask for help.  That is definitely something I have struggled with, but I am slowly getting better at doing this!  I am a (recovering) people pleaser, perfectionist and high achiever, so admitting where I am with my health has been hard for me.  I continued to work way past the time it was healthy for me to do so, and that’s all been part of my journey towards being kind to myself, acknowledging my reality and learning how to meet my needs instead of force, belittle or coerce myself. 

    Today, I was walking with the dogs, which is so good for my overall health, but I had to cut it much shorter because I could feel the exhaustion in my muscles.  The dogs weren’t happy about it, but I’m learning with each experience to trust myself to meet my needs and to stay within my capacity.  I learned recently that overexerting myself actually slows any potential healing from chronic fatigue syndrome.  How about that!  I had been pushing myself way past my capacity for years. 

    Every once in a while, I have to stay in bed for a few hours, half the day or just make sure I lie down around the house for the majority of the day.  Today is definitely an exhausted, take it easy kind of day, which I’m getting better at relaxing into.  Oddly enough, I feel worse if I lie down the whole day.  Doing a small chore, gentle dancing or lymphatic massage makes a big difference to the quality of my exhausted days and creates more flow inside of me.

    I thought it might be helpful for me to write more about what it feels like for me to have chronic fatigue.  I also thought it might help anyone who is wanting to learn more about it too.  Writing about my experience of life gives it validity and importance, and that is really special for me.  After so many years of being so hard on myself, it feels good to ease into who I am, all of me, regardless of where I am with my health.  It reminds me that I am okay despite my health challenges and that I am very worthy regardless.

    If you’re like me and you’ve been shamed for having a sensitive body and soul, then I send you big care and lots of hugs.  It’s totally okay to be sensitive and to have lived through some really tough things.  I am learning how to care for myself instead of continuing that shame.  May you be super supported by friends, family (chosen or blood), health care professionals, mental health professionals and anyone else who can shine a light on your awesomeness and help you in the ways that you need.  And most importantly, may you learn what your needs are and may you feel empowered to take big or small or baby steps to start meeting them.  That is how we’ll truly earn our own PhDs in Being Me, each of us learning more and more about who we are, what we need and learning to do that for our sweetie selves.

    I send you lots of care and smiles.  Thanks for reading and may you be well 💖🌟❤️,

    Bradlee

    Some caring art I made for the vulnerable parts within me when I needed some reassurance and love

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Looking up and ahead instead of down

    A winding pag through trees with orange, red and yellow leaves.

    At some point during the last several years, I started looking down when I walked to make sure I wouldn’t trip or fall.  I have been very delicate and vulnerable mentally and physically so looking down makes sense, even though I have been far from an age where a fall would have been catastrophic.

    I knew I was doing this, but I hadn’t realized just how much that was reflecting how I felt in the world.  How I needed to watch out, be careful and keep an eye out for potential hazards.

    In the fall of 2025, I did an exercise my art therapist suggested to help me focus a bit more outward. I was nailing the “meeting my needs” bit and she suggested I look more broadly at my needs from a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social perspective.  I wrote about my initial efforts with this homework in September https://phdinbeingme.ca/2025/11/10/boundaries/.

    Since that time, I notice that it is easier to look up when I am walking.  Easier to notice aspects of my life that have been neglected due to my health limitations.  Easier to see more of me and life’s possibilities, even while I am unwell with chronic fatigue syndrome and mental health challenges.

    And so, I am finding it easier to remember to look up and ahead, to remember that I am more than my tough days, and that I have survived each tough day so far, and I can do it again.  I can work, slowly but surely, to create safety in my body, mind and heart and celebrate when I give myself kindness and compassion.  I can write what’s in my heart because sharing stories matters and reminds us that we are all connected in our humanity, even if our experiences are different.

    Wherever you are, whether you are looking down or upward, I send you smiles, care and kindness!

    Big hugs! 🌸🌟💖 Bradlee

    Photo of Bradlee smiling, wearing a pink winter hat in front of a snow covered field.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2026.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Taking the pressure off

    Me, my husband Robbin and Archie the dog

    Honestly, have you ever seen a more relaxed dog?  Archie is such a sweet cutie pie.  I love this photo of him.  It’s not the best photo of Robbin and I, but it sure showcases how relaxed, happy and at ease he is.

    Archie teaches me and reminds me to take the pressure off myself.  I sometimes forgot to be compassionate to myself while I’m on this journey of living with chronic fatigue syndrome.  He is so relaxed, playful and goofy and he helps me get out of the worries for my future just by being his cute self. 

    He doesn’t care if I have chronic fatigue syndrome or not.  He just wants to be pet, walked, played with and fed delicious food.  And so, I thought I’d take the pressure off myself and think about what I want out of daily life.  Maybe that will help me see that chronic fatigue isn’t actually preventing me from having a full life, but more that it’s my beliefs about it that are.

    And so, here it is, what I want out of life:

    • Rest for my tired body
    • Quality time with my husband and son
    • A walk with the dogs
    • Chances to connect with friends and family
    • Mental stimulation from a good book, learning, a puzzle or other games, or a great show/movie
    • Opportunities throughout the day to create safety for my nervous system
    • Preparing and eating delicious food
    • Doing a chore or two for our wonderful home and belongings

    That actually is pretty simple, isn’t it?  I get all of that, every day.  Isn’t that miraculous?  Sometimes it really is just my perception of life with chronic fatigue that colors my experience.  I’ll do my best to remember that!  In fairness to me though, it is difficult to enjoy doing some of these things when I have so little energy or when my other symptoms are super strong.  So some days, even though I get to do the things that make me happiest, it is just hard with how tired I feel.  Okay, good, I’m glad I’m taking a balanced approach with this realization or else I’d just be putting more pressure on myself to enjoy every day, even on days where making a meal is too tiring.

    And so, wherever you are, and whatever life is bringing you in terms of joys and challenges, may you be well, and may it be easy for you to reflect on what is good in your life and give yourself a hug for whatever is hard.  A bit of both is a recipe for compassion, kindness and grace.

    All my best!  Bradlee 🌟💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Reflecting on 2025

    An early morning in December 2025, with pink, blue and purple clouds
    An early morning sunrise in December 2025

    It’s the last day of 2025 for me, and I can’t help but think, “wow, this is the last time I’m going to eat lunch in 2025,” and “this is my last day in 2025, I’d love to make sure I enjoy the little moments.” Transitioning to a new year feels like a big deal to me, especially this year.

    At the start of 2025, I participated in an art workshop for women, and I created a piece that was about giving myself permission to put myself first and to take care of my health.

    A rectangular canvas with ribbons, metallic shapes, fabric and patterned paper with the theme of self-care.
    My 2025 art piece

    As I look back on 2025, I see how much I’ve been doing that.  I’ve been learning so much and I am so proud of the changes I’ve made, the work I’ve done and the person I am becoming.  I hung this canvas right by my bed and it is really refreshing to look at it when I wake up, go to bed and when I’m resting during the day. 

    I called 2025, “The Year of Self-Care,” with the words, “no more self-sacrifice, giving myself permission to heal, restore and be,” as a guide.  I have been off work for over a year now to take care of my health and I’ve been taking steps to get to know myself more, to acknowledge, hold and heal my pain and to learn strategies for making healthier choices as I navigate life with chronic fatigue syndrome.

    I don’t have life figured out any more than any one else, but I do know that I need rest.  I’ve been learning how to give myself more quality rest and tools to help bring greater safety to my nervous system.  Both of those are major accomplishments for me, woohoo! 

    I was inspired to reflect on 2025 and to get ready for 2026 by Self-Love Rainbow. In their December 29th newsletter, they recommended finding a word of the year.  I love the content from Self-Love Rainbow because it’s always so full of compassion, care, respect, inspiration and cuteness.  These are the prompts from their newsletter (in quotation marks) that I’m going to complete for myself below too:

    “Choose Your Word of the Year: Choose a word-of-the-year to guide how you want to feel or show up this year. Not a goal. Not a personality overhaul. Just a concept you want to bring into your life.”

    – My word of the year is rest.

    “One Word for 2025: In the middle of a piece of paper, write down one word that describes this year. Then branch off from that and describe the things that made it feel that way.
    Honest answers only. Hard words are allowed.”

    – Hard work!  I know it’s supposed to be one word, but that is the main theme of this year.  I applied for disability, advocated for myself, went to many appointments, tried so hard to fix myself, and then through therapy, started to slowly decompress and relax into being as I am.  I am still slowing down from all the years where I kept going with chronic fatigue syndrome, even after a year off work.  I think that speaks volumes to how much pressure I was putting on myself and how hard I was working to keep going.  Both of those made it harder to feel into how I was actually doing physically and emotionally because I was so panicked about not applying for disability. 

    So ya, hard work really describes this year, so does slowing down, exploring permission for myself, developing more compassion for myself, learning to hug myself on the inside, learning to speak about my hurt and bring it to life through art therapy, learning to notice when I was making decisions that weren’t in my best interests and learning why I was doing that, etc.  I’ve really loved 2025, as hard as it’s been.  I feel reborn even though I’m unwell and exhausted.  It’s like my spirit is feeling renewed and seen, and that’s really refreshing.  May that continue!

    “One Word for Your Needs Right Now: If your body or heart could speak in one word, what would it ask for?”

    -Rest! 

    “One Word for Who You Are: Not who you should be. But the person you are when no one else is asking something from you.”

    -Relaxed.  Quiet.  Reflecting.  Peaceful.  Sad.  Lonely.  Healing.  Learning.  Evolving.  Shedding.   I couldn’t just think of one word, because I often feel different, depending on what is going on. 

    My word for 2026 is rest, and as a part of that, I’d like to focus on being exactly as I am, not better, not healed, not like I was when I was younger, but me, all of me, exactly as I am each day, even if it’s uncomfortable to be me.  I’d like to not fight myself in 2026, but turn towards myself with open arms and a willingness to learn, hold space for myself and love myself.  I don’t need to excel at this, but gently aim for it, give myself grace and compassion on the hard days and know that’s okay even if I resist my life or fight myself sometimes.

    May your 2026 be full of peace, grace, ease, happiness and joy.  And if you need inspiration to reflect on 2026, I totally recommend checking out Self-Love Rainbow’s site and workbooks (no pressure!).  I’ve learned a lot about myself from their helpful and sweet tools!

    All the best and big hugs!  💕💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Writing for expression

    Wordson green paper, all torn up
    My feelings expressed on paper, and then torn up

    I have recently learned about the value of writing out the tough feelings I have, without limits or censoring, and then ripping it up.

    I was a bit skeptical at first, but there is something so freeing about writing with no limits until my hand hurts, and feeling all the emotion pouring out onto the page.  The tearing and ripping part is extremely satisfying too.

    I’m seeing a nurse practitioner who is a functional medicine specialist and she said that it would help me in my healing journey to get my feelings out.  She even said that I may stay sick if I don’t get the feelings out.  I am a very self-aware person and I honestly thought I was processing my feelings and getting them out through the art therapy I am doing.  And there is no doubt I am, but it’s a different type of getting it out to write things I would never be able to say out loud, the deep, dark, really nasty things, and then tearing it up so I can let it go.

    The first time I did it, I had no idea what I was going to write about, but then I just kept writing letter after letter to people who had made me feel uncomfortable, hurt or violated and all these powerful words, feelings and thoughts came right out onto the page.  I’ve probably done it 10 times or more now and it’s always very liberating.  Especially when I swear and say things out loud while I’m ripping the papers.  I even brought some of the paper scraps outside a few weeks ago and burned them, all while loudly cursing, and letting other words flow out and then I stomped on the ashes.  Oh ya, that was pretty damn satisfying.

    It’s funny, because I’m a nice, gentle and caring person, but I also have a fierce, and powerful part of me, and that part came out and took the lead in helping me express these emotions that I banished to deep parts of myself because they weren’t “nice” enough to acknowledge.  Well, now I am acknowledging them and it feels good.  I feel like my power was lost when I hid those deep and dark feelings away, or maybe it just took a lot of power to keep those feelings locked deep inside me.  I’m not sure, but writing, ripping and tearing is helping me access them.  My art therapist was very supportive of the approach too, so the technique has the backing of a few health care professionals, which is neat!

    Are there some scary or stagnant feelings that you want to let out and move on from?  If so, you can consider if you’d like to give this a try.  If you have lots of unprocessed trauma or trauma that you are processing, you may want to do it close to an appointment with a therapist or other mental health care professional or with a close condfidante so you can have any support if triggering feelings or situations come up in your writing. 

    I find doing some gentle things after writing helps, like putting my hand on my heart and taking a few deep breaths and telling myself that I am here, or doing some havening, which is deeply comforting.  Havening is when you use your hands to gently rub your legs or your arms.  It may be other things too, but that’s what I’ve learned so far from how far I’ve gotten in my Primal Trust program.  Here’s a video of me doing the havening that I learned.  My cutie husband stands up at the end, so you may get a glimpse of him :).

    I am really enjoying learning new ways of taking care of myself.  May you be inspired about the best ways for taking care of yourself and may we all remember that we are very worthy of healing, even if it’s been a long, long journey, like mine.

    All my best wishes to you, 💕💕💕 Bradlee

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Boundaries

    Double rainbow over a wide grassy plain

    I am exploring boundaries in therapy and in my daily life.  I have heard about boundaries a lot over the years, but hadn’t done a big exploration of what they are and aren’t in my life, why I need them and how they can help.

    So far, I have identified what it feels like when:

    • My boundaries are violated
    • I don’t know what my boundaries are
    • I constantly have to defend and protect myself
    • I don’t feel safe or worthy to have boundaries.

    These are important steps for me.  Recognizing these feelings and realities is hard, but an important step in healing and understanding what I need going forward.

    As a part of this, I am taking a look at my life’s bigger picture so I can make healthier decisions for myself.  My art therapist had suggested that I look at the emotional, mental, physical, social and spiritual big picture of my life so I can evaluate where I need to put more care.

    She gave me a resource document with different questions to prompt my exploration of my bigger picture.  I had a great time!  I hadn’t realized how narrow of a focus I had until I started.  And…it made me feel more empowered, which was tremendous.  It helped me realize how unwell and sick I am and how it is important for me to keep learning new ways to take care of my physical and mental health.

    I started the work at home, and then continued it by the Rideau River, which was inspiring and calming 💖.

    View of the Rideau River, with geese!
    My view sitting by the Rideau River
    Bradlee's red boots and legs with rocks at her feet
    My feet, legs and notebook!
    Bradlee's notebook with rocks all around
    The rocks and my self care, big picture chart

    Wherever you are in your health journey and life, I send you lots of care and smiles. I am taking it one day at a time and its okay if you need to too.  Big hugs and lots of care,

    Bradlee 💕

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Each breath

    An aerial view of a forest

    Lately, I have been wondering more about the purpose of life.  The longer I live, 45 years so far, the more I think it is about breathing each breath, being there, as a companion for myself, while I live my life.

    I have lived through so many moments when I have felt desperately alone or sad.  It used to be so hard to survive those times, like I was drowning, but didn’t know how to ask for help.  Now, I am learning to tap the part of me who feels that way on the shoulder, to say, hey, I’m with you, you aren’t alone.  I did that today, and I felt that part of me relax and notice me.  It was a brief connection, but it made a difference.

    I am unlearning, healing, relearning and repeating it all over again so I can thrive again.  I may have chronic fatigue syndrome for the rest of my life, but if I learn new ways to cope and heal physically and mentally, maybe it’ll be easier to be me going forward. For now, I’ll breathe each breath, turn inward and befriend my most hurt parts and hope for the best.

    May you be well.  Thanks for reading 💕.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo 2025.  All Rights Reserved.

  • Reflections

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water.
    The gorgeous sky reflected in the water

    It is easy to not feel good sometimes.  It is easy to amass all kinds of evidence about my shortcomings, failures and deficiencies.  It is much harder, sometimes, to focus on all that is going well and all the good I bring to the world.

    A few weeks ago, I was sitting by the creek where I live, and I was feeling down.  It took me a few minutes to be still within myself, to even notice my surroundings.  I felt how restless I was and decided to look at the water as a way of soothing myself. That was when I noticed how beautiful the sky looked reflected in the water.

    I started looking up and down the creek to see the reflections.

    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water
    A blue sky with white clouds reflected in water

    No matter where I looked, it was so beautiful, clear and inspiring.  I really started to consider how I could apply that perspective to my life.  Yes, I was feeling down, no doubt about it, but those reflections gave me the courage to acknowledge what was good in my life, all while being kind to myself and respecting how I was feeling.

    And so today, I am here, feeling grateful for my life, and the opportunity I have to notice my feelings and to write about them in this way.  I am grateful that I am learning more about shame, and how worthless I feel sometimes, especially when I think I have failed in some way.  I am grateful to have the word shame to help me understand what I  have felt all these years.  I am grateful for all the resources that are available to me to help me understand and care for myself even better.  I am grateful for my breath and my body for helping me be more grounded when I am feeling unsafe or unworthy.  I am grateful for the chance to smile at someone so we can share our humanity and connect, even just in passing.  I am grateful for nature for inspiring me to have more compassion for myself.

    When you look in the mirror today, may it reflect all the goodness you have within you so clearly. When you breath in and out today, may you feel safe, grounded and wholly accepted by yourself. When you think today, may your thoughts be filled with so much love and compassion for yourself.

    Life can be tricky, hard, and unfair, and to balance that out a bit, may we all see reflections of our goodness, worthiness, and love everywhere we look.

    With love, Bradlee ♥️

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • A pause

    A tree with orange leaves on the ground all around it, with mist in the background
    A quiet place among the leaves and mist

    The older I have gotten (I am 44), the more I am giving myself permission to pause.  A pause can mean many things, including:

    • Taking a breath before I respond to a person or a situation
    • Deciding that I will get back to a person instead of answering them right away
    • Prioritizing taking care of myself, even if just for a short while, before working through the items on my to do list.

    Am I an expert at pausing?  Sometimes, and sometimes I rush and feel so much pressure that a pause is the last thing I think about. 

    Learning about me from my experiences is the point of working towards a PhD in Being Me.  I am at the school of me, learning every day about how best to take care of myself and honour myself as I live my life.  And to do this with as much kindness, grace, care and love I can possibly give myself, including giving myself a big or little pause when I need it.

    I have had a very narrow window of tolerance for the last several months as I was very stressed out by my life’s circumstances.  I have included a pdf for those new to the window of tolerance concept or how trauma can influence your window of tolerance (I hope it works!)

    Window of ToleranceDownload

    As I take better care of myself, my window of tolerance is increasing.  With that increase, it is getting easier to notice when a pause would benefit me.

    For example, I was annoyed by my dog’s behavior the other day, and I realized that I had other choices than getting really angry or crying.  Just that realization alone was the pause I needed to access more choices within me.  It was like I saw the overwhelmed and tired parts of myself and honoured them with that pause that allowed me to choose how to respond better. 

    Being off work has allowed me to see how much I was just holding on and coping every day, instead of living and thriving.  I know many of us can relate to those words.  If you can, I send you many big hugs, it sure is tough.  No matter where you are in your life, whether you are thriving or just holding on, may there be many more golden pauses available to you, and lots of love, kindness and peace too. 

    With lots of care 💕, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2024. All Rights Reserved

  • Reconnecting to myself

    A bright orange sky with deep blue.
    Photo by NO NAME on Pexels.com

    Sometimes I hear my voice inside me and it’s loud and clear.

    Other times it’s like there is so much noise from the world that is making it harder to know who I am and where I stand.

    Today, I went for a walk in the woods and I heard the noise. I felt the worries. I wondered where I had gone to in the crowded space of my being. I felt like I was on auto-pilot, just continuing onwards despite missing myself and wondering where I was.

    I really didn’t like that feeling, so I choked on a sob and spoke nicely to myself.

    I said, hey, whether all of this belongs to me or the world, I love you.

    No matter how overwhelmed, shattered, broken, scattered, afraid and numb you feel, I am with you.

    I thought of how complicated life can be, as well as how miraculous it can be, and I decided to care for myself no matter how I was experiencing it today. I remember saying something like, hey, whether you see the world from a glass half full or half empty perspective, I love you and you super matter to me.

    It seemed to simplify everything and made me feel calmer. Writing about my experiences and how full life is lately is really helpful too. It’s easy to think that everyone else has it good, and by writing, I aim to make others feel less alone in feeling things deeply. It also helps me feel less alone too, because I get to shine the light of my attention on my fears, worries and overwhelm.

    Where do you need some light today?

    If it’s for your heart, I send you much comfort, love, security, protection, caring and love.

    If it’s for your mind, I send you deep breaths, smiles, quiet, peace and serenity.

    If it’s for your body, I send you much balance, healing, nourishment and rejuvenation.

    If it’s for your spirit, I send you big high fives, because no matter what, you are rocking it, even if all you want to do is curl up in a ball. You’re here. You matter. I am cheering you on and smiling with you and for you.

    With every breath you take for the rest of today and the rest of your days, may you know how special you are and that you matter, even if you are having a hard time or life just isn’t going your way.

    I honour you and wish you super well.

    Big hugs, Bradlee

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2024. All Rights Reserved.

    ps. I used AI to generate the two images below. I’ve never done that before! The first one is my favorite and really represents what I wanted to convey to you, from my heart to yours.

    A solid red heart with angel wings.
    A pink sparkling heart with rainbow lights inside it.