PhD in Being Me

Tag: self-care

  • Meeting myself where I am at

    Fall is a time of transition for nature and for us. May we learn to meet our needs with love and compassion whenever we’re in transition.

    It’s been over a month since my last post. That’s the longest I have gone without writing. In truth, I missed it. In reality, I needed to meet myself where I have been at, and take some steps towards greater self-care.

    How does one even go about meeting oneself where they’re at? In my experience, it means recognizing my circumstances and my feelings and noticing how I am doing. For example, in the past month, even checking my social media felt beyond my capacity, let alone posting or commenting on anything. I also noticed that I was more easily anxious, angry and overwhelmed. Those were all cues that helped me to know that I needed to make some adjustments.

    I tried talking about my feelings more, taking more baths, getting into bed earlier, watching more fun shows, and reading more, too. I also tool more breathing breaks throughout my days, and cheered myself on. Those all helped me through, but I could tell that more was needed. It was almost as if the transition to fall was making all of my leaves fall off, and I needed to rest and be still during this time of change. I’d also been feeling like so many unconscious behaviors were coming to the forefront of my days, and it was uncomfortable and messy.

    Meeting myself where I am at. That’s been me the past month, and I am proud of myself for making efforts to make my days gentler during this time of transition. Do you feel the need to meet yourself where you’re at, instead of forcing yourself to be somewhere else? If yes, I invite you to join me and explore your needs, one healthy choice at a time. Big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • An empty shell – a poem

    An empty shell – a poem

    I am feeling empty
    Hollow
    I exist only as a shell of myself

    I can feel the need to look for me
    On Facebook, Instagram, in the eyes of another 
    In writing this blog post

    I have been here before
    It is lonely and vacuous
    And nothing I think, do, eat, or consume seems to touch it or fill me back up

    So I rest
    I lie down
    I listen to my self-love playlist
    I close the door and spend time with my shell
    I breathe and watch my belly rise and fall
    I smile because why not
    And  know I will feel better through being kind to myself instead of running away and trying to find me on the outside

    I want to blame others for how I feel
    But I know how I am feeling is no one's fault
    It is a simple signal to stop, breathe, be with myself and pull out of the endless cycle of doing and consuming more

    With every breath I take today,
    May I nourish, rejuvenate, and revitalize all parts of me
    May the echoes of my self-care reach you, no matter where you are or how you feel
    May we all turn inwards to find our peace and ourselves 
    Big hugs and deep beautiful breaths to you
    A short video from my resting self to you!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Snails are slow, and sometimes, so am I

    A close up image of a snail, with its two antenna extended and its shell in the background.
    Snails are so cute, they make me smile

    I love snails. I often pick them up off the road and place them on the plants on the side of the road. I love watching how slowly and deliberately they move along a plant or the ground. They bring their homes wherever they go, and they seem to enjoy taking their time to get where they are going.

    When I walk the dogs and I come across a group of snails, I always want to stop and just watch them. For such little, slow-moving creatures, they have such an ability to inspire and bring joy. They remind me that even though I move slowly with chronic fatigue sometimes, I can still inspire and bring joy.

    A snail’s life is no less important than a fast cheetah’s, so it makes me wonder why I have put so much pressure on myself to get better and be faster than I am now. I have learned so much from having chronic fatigue syndrome. I am now more effective, efficient, and productive, and I excel at resting and paying attention to my precious body’s cues. Because I have limited energy, I use what I have wisely and only on tasks that matter to me and have high value.

    I love how the cute little snails on my road gave me such an opportunity to validate and appreciate myself, even on days where I move slower than a snail.

    No matter what pace you can go in your daily life, or how far you go, may you know that your life and you matter and are perfectly valid. Big hugs and thanks for reading.

    A snail with a striped shell on a yellow flower
    You matter, no matter how fast or slowly you move through life

  • Bullied – a poem

    A notebook with the words, "stop bullying" with a heart.


    It brings a big smile to my heart to say that I’m sharing this poem below in honour of my friend Niveen.  We just reconnected recently and she inspired me to share this poem. In talking to her, I shared how my poems come to life, and I’d like to share that with you too.


    I’ve always been a sensitive empath who feels emotions really strongly.  I didn’t understand that for the first 30ish years of my life, but now that I know it, it’s been easier to learn what I need to feel good.  Writing out my feelings is a very helpful way for me to process them.  As I’ve mentioned before, I used to just shove those feelings down.  Learning how to feel them, give them space to be felt and to witness them has been a challenge for me, but a true gift because I know my feelings now.  They aren’t as scary as they used to be because they know I’ll take the time to feel them, get to know them and hold space for them.  Hmmm, I didn’t even realize I felt that way until I wrote it just now. Thanks Niveen!

     
    Usually I know I am feeling some big feelings because I feel an inner pressure, like how it must be inside of a volcano for weeks before it erupts.  I do my best to pay attention to that feeling.  Sometimes I talk gently to myself when I feel like that, and other times, I just get in front of the computer and let the feelings do all the talking through my fingers.  I sometimes cry or rage while I’m typing and I feel the pressure releasing the more I type.  I’m always amazed that the feelings seem to resolve themselves by the end of the poem.  There is also a pattern that I’ve noticed; by giving my feelings space and validity, then it frees up my inner wisdom to come forward and guide me with loving words to a conclusion.  If you’ve read a few of my poems, you’ll notice that they often have a loving, peaceful resolution at the end.  Every time I write, it’s like I’m learning to be my own best friend and supporter from the inside out.  That is truly what getting a PhD in Being Me is about.  Not trying to do what others do, but connecting so deeply into what works best for each of us.


    And now, here is my poem, Bullied.  I have felt this way at so many times in my life.  With each time, I find more courage, strength and inner fire to speak up for myself, realize when enough is enough, and find safety.  It is a true honour and privilege for me to be growing through my experiences. 

    May this poem help you and may you know how worthy you are of being respected and accepted for who you are.  Big hugs!



    Bullied – a poem


    Here I am

    Feeling bullied, disrespected and not listened to

    I don’t know how people can be at such odds with one another

    It’s like a cycle of force and struggle and I feel like I am the only one to see it

    What the heck is going on

    Why can’t we all just get along

    Why do I have to do what I’m told or what others expect of me, even if it goes against my values and my thoughts of what is best

    How in the world can I feel good while being put in these situations time and time again?



    I guess it comes down to not being a victim and breathing deeply.

    Knowing that who I am and how I care for me is more important than anything else.

    I don’t think I need to put up with shit, but I also don’t need to get overly involved either.

    It’s so sad, but it seems to be the way to survive and find the light to thrive.

    I’m not sure how to go about this, but I’m going to breathe, acknowledge myself, ask myself to come along and see what happens next.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022-2023. All Rights Reserved

  • When it all works out

    This beautiful art my husband made me sums up how I am feeling

    I love it when it all works out! I find it especially exciting after a time of deep fatigue, anxiety, stress, or tension (or all of them)! Maybe that’s the gift the contrast between the highs and lows of life gives us?

    This past weekend, I went to a beautiful family reunion, and I saw cousins I hadn’t seen in over 30 years. There was so much delicious food that I didn’t eat because I was so happy hugging and talking. My heart was overflowing with love, and truly, there is no better feeling. It made my emotional and physical aches and pains melt away.

    Before going, I had decided to bring all of who I am now, instead of relating to everyone like I used to when I was a shy kid and an unsure teenager. I felt like I grew up a lot by making that choice, like I integrated and honored the many parts of me. This GIF represents how I feel more cohesive and organized within myself.

    I haven’t been sleeping as well since that time, almost like all of me is awake, revelling in the joy of the wonderful road trip with my family, an incredible reunion, and loving visit with my precious Dad. Even though I know there will be challenges ahead, I feel good and fortified. May this feeling last, and may we all be blessed with lovely, heartwarming experiences where it all works out.

    This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through. May you be inspired about how to best care for and enjoy who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming. Big hugs!

    A simple flower with a text box with these words, "This is all part of getting a PhD in Being Me, enjoying the good, taking care of ourselves for when times are hard, and learning day to day what we may need to help us through.'

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Give yourself time

    Picture of author smiling with hearts and rainbow stickers.
    A big smile from my healing heart to yours

    I have been so hard on myself for having chronic fatigue syndrome, for being anxious, for not being good enough, for having cellulite, for not “getting better” fast enough and for so many other reasons.

    You know what though? I am more than good enough and my journey through life is amazingly valid. Today, my heart said, “give yourself time and be proud of everything you are healing, overcoming and learning through your challenges and feelings. “

    My heart asked me to share its messages with you too. Please give yourself time and grace. You are so worthy of receiving that, even if you don’t know how to give that to yourself. You are precious and you matter 💖.

    If it hurts to read that because you don’t feel able or worthy of receiving it, you are super precious and you matter. I used to not believe those words, and I definitely didn’t know how to say kind things to myself. I learned how to do that in 2015, and it gets easier every day…please give yourself time to learn to love and honor yourself.

    By giving ourselves time, instead of keeping ourselves in a pressure cooker, we learn that we are valid. We learn that our worth is not determined by our circumstances or how quickly or slowly we heal or learn to love ourselves.

    Let’s give ourselves time to learn how to be with ourselves while we do hard things. Let’s give ourselves time to honor our pain, joy, anger and sadness. Let’s give ourselves time to get to know our bodies and what they need from us. Let’s give ourselves time to be fully us and to reclaim any banished parts of ourselves.

    This isn’t a race and there are no prizes. The rewards are huge though; being able to love yourself, being able to connect to the needs of your body, heart, mind and soul, and more.

    If you’re interested, this is the video that sparked a love revolution within me: https://youtu.be/ZjwTW-sjIto

    Big hugs and take all the time you need!

    Xoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Say yes to vulnerability

    Bradlee and her dog Archie, facing each other on the couch and touching heads.
    Me and sweetie Archie sharing a vulnerable and tender moment. He is so precious!

    Introduction

    When I wrote this short but powerful poem, I knew the concepts, but was learning to really know them, deep in my bones. A few years later, I can see how far I have come and I am proud of myself. It is not easy to unlearn the ways of the world or one’s conditioning, nor is it easy to be super vulnerable, open and honest. What I have discovered though, is that it is harder not to be.

    My life was much more difficult when I shoved my emotions down, and when I tried to hide or cover up parts of myself. I have found strength in being vulnerable and in embracing what I had labelled as my weaknesses and not nice parts. May this poem inspire and nurture you. You are lovely just as you are and may you find strength in being all of you, each and every day.

    Say yes to vulnerability – a short poem

    Say yes to vulnerability.

    Say yes to all the ways you thought you shouldn’t be.

    Say yes to being honest.

    Say yes to admitting you are struggling.

    Say yes to choosing love over fear.

    Say yes to peace.

    Say yes to having your walls knocked down.

    Say yes and thank you to the fear that wants to keep you safe.

    Say yes to having your safe-haven opened and exposed.

    Say yes to you;

    all that is waiting for you is you

    and more love than you ever imagined possible.

    You are very worthy of saying yes to.

    xoxoxoxoxo

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Building resilience and what does that even mean?

    Orange and yellow clouds against a purple and blue sky. Birds are flying across the sky.
    Learning to fly takes practice, and sometimes going back to our nest is required xoxoxo

    I used to think that I was broken because I can feel things so deeply in my mind, body, soul and heart. I used to think I was not good enough because I was always working on myself.

    In writing on this blog, and reading my beautiful friend Carla’s comments, and the comments of some other fabulous friends on Facebook, I can see that I have been looking at myself all wrong.

    As I’m working on myself and learning to get a PhD in Being Me, I’m not broken. I am damn good enough. What I’m doing is building resilience. I’m not repairing or fixing myself, I am learning to be me, and what I need to do to thrive in this world as me.

    What do you need dearest reader? What can I write about that will help you become more resilient, and to embody more of you? Please share in the comments or on the Contact me page. You matter and I care very much about what I write for you. I invite you to help me meet your needs better by sharing with me!

    Big hugs!

    A 4 minute video about my struggles and how I am building resilience each time I make it through hardship

  • Different isn’t wrong

    It is very easy as a sensitive, empathic person to think that I am doing something wrong. It happens usually when someone does something differently than me. It is very sad that I automatically assume that I am doing something wrong. Thankfully, I have been learning to nurture myself so that I can embrace the little me who doubts herself and doesn’t think she’s good enough.

    I recently had an experience where I was excited to share something new I tried. One of the responses I received very quickly made me feel like I had done it wrong, even though it had turned out pretty well. The two photos below show how I felt at first (doubting myself, unsure, concerned), and then how I responded a few seconds later (loving and validating myself).

    Bradlee with a look on her face like, "the way I did it wasn't good enough"
    Bradlee with a loving look on her face with a caption saying "your way is very valid honey, it's just different."

    How do you feel when you do something that is different than others? Do you judge yourself? Second guess yourself? Wish you could disappear because you can’t seem to get it right? I am with you. I lived like that for so many years and it is still my default response. Thankfully, I can stop myself, know that I am valid just as I am, and continue on. I still get shaken and I still doubt myself sometimes, but I’m miles from where I once was.

    I learned how to love and compliment myself from Matt Kahn. If you haven’t checked him out, I encourage you to. He is so compassionate, caring, wise and loving. I learned that sensitive, empathic people really need to learn to give love to themselves, because they are generally very good at giving it to others. He teaches about giving yourself compliments and acknowledging the good you do each day. I started doing that in 2015 and it has been a very transformative process. It is very easy to berate and judge yourself, but giving yourself a compliment can be hard, but super, super rewarding.

    For example, I might say, “You know honey, there are lots of ways to do [insert task]. I loved how you tried something new and it turned out. Maybe you just invented a new way of doing things.” Or I might say, “Things are starting to feel hard this evening. You’ve done so well today, how about you take a rest?” Those are little ways I show up for myself now and it has created a buffer that helps me deal with negativity, judgement or different ways of doing things.

    You’re doing great. Even if you feel terrible or things are going terribly, you are still wonderful. You are so worthy of love, compliments, care and attention. I honor you and your uniqueness and you are so much more than your circumstances. No matter what, may you know that you are still valid, even if you do things differently than others. I send you big hugs!

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • What about me?

    There is this little and sometimes quite loud voice inside me that whispers or yells, “What about me?”

    A short video to help explain the concepts in this post. May it help you connect with yourself in helpful ways ♥️

    I was listening to a super compassionate meditation on Insight Timer from the Biomedical Institute of Yoga and Meditation and I heard “What about me?” from inside me, quite loudly. For the rest of the day my body hurt and I was completely exhausted. This voice speaks for all the times I felt cast aside, abused, neglected, and forced. It represents so much unprocessed pain about certain aspects of my life. Part of getting a PhD in Being Me is learning to honor and care for yourself when feeling your worst. I felt so terribly, I was feeling more like I was in kindergarten compared to working on a PhD ❤️.

    A day later, I still felt that “What about me” presence. It felt heavy, painful and nearly frantic. To be honest, I can understand those feelings. Listening to that beautiful meditation triggered some of my most traumatic memories and helped me to understand how much pain they truly caused. I honor my “What about me” self. It has good reason to whisper and yell, and it is very justified in coming forward to affirm its presence and role in my life.

    Here I am, feeling so heavy, so unsure of how to hold myself while I acknowledge and feel the pain and anger and exhaustion this part of me has been carrying by herself. I slow down, take deep breaths and follow what my mind, heart and body are asking me to do. I write this post. I listen to beautiful music by Destined Dynamics. I cry and tell my husband about my fears and hurt. By doing these things, I create more space for this bruised, broken, hurt and victimized part of me.

    Going forward, I will hold her and me, until our breath and voices unite and we are together as one. I will look in the mirror and see my pain and my resilience and smile. I will feel the pain inside me. I will rise up because the root has showed me how to pull her out of that infertile garden and plant her in my heart, where I can nurture her with the sunlight and rains of my care and attention. I love you Miss What About Me. You matter and you are worthy. Thank you for revealing yourself to me, please teach me how best to care for you.

    If you are working through living with a chronic physical or mental health condition (I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety), or are working through trauma of any kind, I see you and I am with you. You matter and I wish you so much ease, love, gentleness and care. Big hugs.

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved