Tag: self-care

  • Unhinged

    A pink sunrise
    A pink sunrise

    Recently something inside of me has opened up.  Like there was this part of me I was keeping tucked away, in a locked box.

    I was just sitting outside in the sun when I realized that not only has the box been opened but it is unhinged.  In my haste to open it and rediscover lost parts of myself, I must have broken the hinges.  Thank goodness for that.

    The older I get, the less I want to be society’s version of who I think I should be, and the more the true, deep and authentic me is roaring to be free.

    Typically we think of ‘coming unhinged’ as a bad thing, but not in this case. I feel empowered about the hinges being broken. I feel like I have outgrown a really small cage and I am ready to prowl through more life with more fire, energy and passion than ever before. 

    Thank you box and hinges.  Without you, I wouldn’t get this sweet taste of liberation I am savoring today.  The irony is I think I am the one that boxed up and locked away these strong and powerful parts of myself.  I even remember the few times I chastised myself and buried the stronger, angrier parts of me.

    Today, I am more whole and am rejoicing in being unhinged. Today, I understand why I buried parts of myself and I am ready to forgive. Today, I stretch my limbs and feel a new drive, power and passion and I am content.

    With every moment of every day, may we all be blessed with the clarity, inspiration and courage to get a PhD in Being Me, and may we do so as authentically and gently as possible.

    With love ❤️!

    ©️ Bradlee Zrudlo, 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • At the end

    Photo by Alan Cabello on Pexels.com

    At the end – a poem

    At the end

    I am emptied out

    I am numb

    I am a shell of myself

    Is this bad?

    Is this the true end?

    Or is this the end of who I used to be?

    Of how I used to relate to the world?

    All of this death, these endings, they keep leading me to a brighter, more true existence

    As the gentle, sensitive, loving and caring person I am

    Life is handing me my heart

    And it is bathed in the purest, most gorgeous light

    I can see it and feel its purity and brilliance

    All while everything within and around me is crumbling

    It is the façade of me and all I thought I should be

    All turning to rubble, cascading down my emerging self

    To reveal that gorgeous light

    My heart is beating irregularly, it senses the end

    May it also sense the new beginning

    The emergence

    Of me

    Glorious me

    Reborn at the same time as spring

    Ready to blossom and grow but still needing time to strengthen

    My stem before my leaves can reach and be nourished by that golden light that shines from above and from within me

    I am here

    At the end

    At the beginning

    Emptied out, only so I fill up once again

    With all the beauty and light that has been waiting for me

    To fill me to overflowing so I can share my abundant love with those who are withering, dying, crumbling and emptying out

    I am here

    I will sing out

    All is well

    Rest now and know that you too will fill up

    All in due time

    Be still my dear one

    I love you

    A note from me:

    Sometimes I hear the whispers of a poem inside of me and I hurry to the computer to help it come alive. Other times, I only hear it and don’t act on the whispers. I am grateful I acted on it this time. This poem gave me comfort and peace. It helped me understand life’s rhythms more deeply and allowed me to relax into them, instead of struggling against their tide. It also gave me more confidence, it helped me to realize that there is much freedom that comes from the emptying out and filling up. I realized that at the end, there is only another beginning. Wherever you are in life, overwhelmed, excited, depressed, happy, anxious or raging, I honor you. May these words bring you comfort as you live through life’s rhythms.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved

  • Shedding more than just my skin

    A green and white striped snake curled up on a branch.
    Photo by Stephen Joel on Pexels.com

    Today, I feel like I am a snake who is getting ready to shed my skin. Except that I I don’t want to just shed my skin, I want to shed more.

    I want to shed my old, victim like ways.

    I want to shed this safe resting place that I have taken shelter and refuge in.

    I want to shed this fear and the echoes of trauma that keep calling and calling to me.

    I want to shed this little prison and its shackles so I can explore the rest of me, the rest of life, the entirety of my potential to grow, expand, shine and make a beautiful difference in the world.

    Here I am, like the snake in the picture, except, I have one eye open.

    That eye is looking outward, feeling the fire and rage within and it’s gauging if today is the day to shed it all.

    I take a deep breath in. I smile and roar within me and open both eyes and climb off that safe branch.

    I stretch as far as I can, both into and away from myself.

    I feel the layers of the old, flaking and crumbling off of me as I slither and stretch and climb up, and up, and up to a new view point on life.

    I start to feel more free, less encumbered, weighed down and trapped by the confines of my previous existence.

    I open my mouth and feel a roar coming up from within me. A roar that makes no sense because up until now I’ve been a roar-less snake who has been curled up, safe and protected from harm and from my past.

    But today, I have shed my old self and I am a lion. A proud, strong and gorgeous lion with a roar that shakes the trees and sends ripples into the oceans.

    A female lion roaring.  Her eyes are closed and her mouth is wide open.
    Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

    I am a lion, one who has walked the Earth for millennia, bringing new life, power and strength to all who see and hear me.

    I am a lion, fierce, proud, and scarred from battles but ready to stand strong and fight for myself and for those who are healing. The ones who are curled up and incubating in the echoes of their past until it is their time to shed the old and walk the Earth anew. Afire. Awash with their strength. Full of roars and power. Just like I am becoming today.

    Here I am Life. Hear me roar. I am Mighty. I am ancient and brand new. I am both a whisper and a mighty roar. I am it All, re-arisen from the ashes of my past, with a new body, new skin, new image, and new confidence. I am roaring and I am glorious.

    To those who can’t yet roar, I am here, roaring, prowling, and making the path clear and safe for you, for your emergence, for your shedding and for your transformation.

    For you and for us, I roar. In honor of our collective pain, traumas, and past, I roar. Peace be with you as you rest, incubate and heal. I will be here, ready to rejoice when we can roar together and set our world free.

    A close up of a male lion's face.  He is beautiful, strong and fierce.
    Photo by Alexas Fotos on Pexels.com

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Shutting down

    Image of a black swirling staircase
    Photo by Robin Schreiner on Pexels.com

    I shut down sometimes.

    Sometimes I shut others out.

    Sometimes it feels like I’m shutting myself out.

    Shutting down.

    Is it a healthy coping mechanism?

    No, I don’t really think so.

    Is it okay that I do it?

    Ya, I think so.

    Sometimes my computer just gets that loading circle right when I’m in the middle of doing something. I guess I’m like that sometimes too, I just need time and space to breathe deeply, to allow myself to process what’s going on and to fortify myself for responding to myself and life in the healthiest, most loving and respectful ways possible.

    Am I haunted by echoes of the pain of being shut out by others? Yes.

    Can learning to embrace my need to shut down help me look at that pain with more compassion, empathy and understanding? Yes.

    Here I am, smiling and knowing that it is okay, that I am okay, that I am doing great and that with each realization, the self-judgement lessens, the need to be this perfect person dissolves and I can breathe deeply, embrace my humanity, love the me I am, the me I was and the me I will be.

    May we all allows ourselves to be, to breathe, and to know that with every moment, we are learning, growing and exactly as we are meant to be.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Always blooming

    Background of flowers with the text, "You are always blooming and you are lovely." Bradlee Zrudlo -PhD in Being Me

    I’ve been sick the past few days and it has helped put things in perspective. Even when I am sick or struggling with the symptoms of chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety, I am always blooming. Even when I feel like I am taking several steps back, I am always blooming.

    It’s so easy to get down on myself, to forget the wonderful person I am, the good I do for myself and others each day, and the multitude of healthy choices I make. It’s easy to focus on what isn’t going well, when there is so much beauty and goodness in my life, much of which I have chosen, cultivated and nourished. I wonder….does a flower ever say, “damn it, I should have bloomed fully by now. I’m not sure why I’m lagging behind?” Or do it just revel in joy that it is always blooming and growing, even through the stages that may appear to be less beautiful? I wonder….

    Wherever you are at in your life, may you know how glorious you are through every struggle, every heartache, every moment of despair. May you know that you are constantly blooming, even if the soil of your heart’s garden doesn’t seem very fertile, or if the sun doesn’t seem to be shining on you.

    Every moment you live, may you be inspired to make the healthiest and wisest choices possible and may you connect with the true beauty you are. May you see yourself as always blooming, even when everything around you is changing with the seasons of life. I see you and I honor you. I am cheering you on and smiling at you.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Finding My Power

    Image of flames

    I have been scared and intimidated by anger in the past.  I have also been wanting to get to know my anger and to create more space for it within me.

    I have chronic fatigue syndrome.  Over the last several years, I have hated myself for it, resented, blamed and berated myself and my body for it. I have also lost myself in efforts to “get rid of it” so I could get back to my life without it.  I have tried many ways to heal, those that honored me and my precious body and those that were just a means to an end.

    This past week I thought to myself that I would just stop.  Just stop trying to get better, to overcome this and just be me regardless of whether I like having chronic fatigue or not.  It felt very nice, like I could finally relax and just be.  Ironically then, yesterday I met two people who offered me suggestions of other options or paths I could take. At first it felt nice to have more hope but a few hours later I felt angry. I felt it traveling up the right side of my body, burning.  I felt it and I knew. 

    This is my power.  This anger is me saying enough, reminding me that I am the one with the power to make my own decisions, the only one who can choose to stop trying and just be.  The one who can appreciate that there may be other avenues to explore but who needs a rest from exploring.  As I type this, I feel incredibly empowered and accepting of myself. I don’t feel like I am giving up on myself. If anything, my anger has led me to a deeper sense of home, acceptance and belonging within me.

    It’s 3:54am and I felt so moved by my anger that I needed to type this out.  I had just woken up 25 minutes ago to use the washroom and I felt so full of thoughts that I decided to breathe and allow my breath to empty me out so I could go back to sleep. I felt dizzy with how overflowing I was with thoughts but then I remembered the beautiful anger I had felt while brushing my teeth before bed and I reclaimed my power again and starting typing.  Now I feel like I am my own super hero with a calm mind and heart.  I am here, loving and honoring myself and my need “to be” instead of “pursue”.

    Will I ever try other ways to heal my chronic fatigue? Absolutely.  When will I start that exploration?  When the time feels right.

    Thank you my beautiful mind, body and heart for all you do. And thank you anger for teaching me to honor my needs and boundaries and for guiding me to my inner peace and power. No matter where you are in your life and what you are dealing with, may you be blessed with so much inner power, strength, inspiration and peace.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Going to war with myself

    Image of an angel engaged in war

    In this self-care, self-love journey, I have noticed that there are times when I am going to war with myself. It was an important but sad realization. How many of us have improved our relationships with ourselves, friends and family and the world, but are still fighting on the inside?

    My hope is that with this new self-awareness of this tendency that I will move towards healthier and honorable ways of relating to myself and dealing with my big emotions. Here are some ways that I noticed I was going to war with myself:

    • A few weeks ago, I got very angry over something that happened and I caught myself picking at my finger and causing a lot of pain. I have done that since my teens, but that day I was able to see how I was taking the anger I was feeling and throwing it painfully right back at myself.
    • When I am emotionally tired or upset or overwhelmed, I tend to eat to comfort myself. This realization has been a long time coming. Recently while I was eating to get comfort, I realized how unhealthy that was. It felt like my emotions were saying, “Hey Bradlee, things are really out of balance and we need you,” and I was responding in a way that didn’t acknowledge those feelings but kept them down through food.

    These may not seem like much of a war or a battle to someone outside of me, but I’m the one who has been living with this battle for 30+ years. It’s been a long, drawn out fight to stay above the surface of my humanity and I’ve done that by fighting myself, my body and my emotions. I love the image at the top of this post. No amount of armor can truly stop me from being human and having a whole range of feelings and experiences. No matter what, here I am, wide open, and learning how to get a PhD in Being Me. I think that means learning to put down my shield, take off my visor and remove the chest plate and learn how to soothe myself to bring an end to my inner war.

    This song has inspired me countless times; I heard it again this morning and decided to use its opening line as the title for this post. If you’re inspired, you can check it out, it’s by Trevor Hall and it’s called, “Put Down What You Are Carrying” : https://youtu.be/qvMzebnP170

    Thanks for reading and I look forward to sharing what I learn over the next few weeks as I end the inner war and anchor greater light, love and respect for myself, for my family and for all.

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights

    the words "you are worthy of self-love and self-care" on a pink background with hearts and stars.

    In December, I learned about The Mourner’s Bill of Rights, by Dr. Alan Wolfelt. It is a very heartfelt list of “rights” for grieving people so that they may fully process and experience their grief.

    I felt so supported while hearing those rights that it inspired me to create my own Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights. The whole point of this site is to empower others to become experts in being their awesome selves and this felt like a beautiful tool of empowerment.

    To start off, I asked my heart what kinds of “rights” I could give to myself to make it really clear that I had the right to give myself self-love and self-care. I came up with a long list and it felt so wonderful. Like I could give myself permission to show myself how much I matter through any of those actions.

    I have created an infographic of my top 12 favorite rights and below there is a text version for greater accessibility. You can download the infographic or copy and paste the text version of some example rights. I’ve also added additional ones to inspire you to create your own Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights. Please know that you can make up any that make you happy, my list is only meant as a guide to empower you to put yourself first!

    Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights: infographic version

    Self-Love and Self-Care Bill of Rights: text version

    What follows is a copy and paste version of a long list of rights that you can “give” yourself with regards to self-love and self-care. Most are from my heart, and the last nine are from participants from a presentation I did on this topic at work! Thank you to all those lovely participants who shared and inspired me too!

    I have the right to:

    • make healthy choices
    • know my tremendous worth
    • love and care for myself
    • rest instead of always doing
    • stop what I am doing to check in with myself 
    • compliment myself and say the things to my heart that I would love others to say to me
    • be honest with myself
    • breathe deeply a few times before moving on to the next task
    • prioritize self-care over everything else
    • be gentle with myself
    • experiment with self-love and self-care practices to find what works best for me
    • adapt, grow, regress, progress, get in a slump, feel bad, be joyful and everything in between
    • treat myself with kindness and compassion
    • rest even when everyone else is busy
    • follow my intuition even if other people tell me to do something different
    • not be okay or to be more than okay
    • give myself more love, not less* (from Matt Kahn’s teachings www.mattkahn.org)
    • give myself permission to live my life from the inside out
    • praise myself for the good things I do each day, even the small ones
    • look at myself in the mirror and smile
    • enjoy my own company or to learn how to
    • feel exactly as I am feeling without needing to rush or hurry those feelings away
    • do things my own way
    • love and be loved
    • set boundaries
    • be myself
    • say no to uncomfortable situations
    • work at my own pace
    • just feel what I’m feeling
    • do and enjoy whatever I love even if others don’t love that!
    • stop doing what I am doing and take a break to process things

    Thanks so much for reading until the end of this long post! I would love to hear what your favorite rights are. If you feel like sharing, please leave me a comment below. Please feel free to share the infographic, the bulleted list or any list you make with others to inspire them to care for their awesome selves.

    Big hugs!

     © Bradlee Zrudlo 2023. All Rights Reserved.

  • Ambassadors

    A gorgeous sunset in Kemptville that reminded me of the glory and strength within the hearts of all

    From 2015 to 2018, I was so deeply inspired by the massive spiritual and personal growth I was going through. I would often just be making a meal, sitting, or working and then I would be filled with some words that I just had to type out very quickly. As I understand it now, the divide between my inner wisdom and my awareness was getting smaller and I was being guided from within through these poems.

    I remember the day I wrote Ambassadors the poem below. I was on my lunch break and I was going to start making myself some food. I was drawn to a notebook and I wrote out this poem and then just kept going on with my day. Later on when I typed it out, I realized how beautiful, deep and profound it was. If you have been going through any type of spiritual growth or awakening, may this bring you some comfort and guidance. Alternatively, if you have been working on finding yourself and living your true life, then may it also help you find what makes you feel your best.

    Thanks for reading and may you be well! xoxoxoxo

    Ambassadors – a poem

    We are ambassadors to a new world.
    We grieve, we cry, we rage and we hate
    because we see and feel the mess we are in as humanity.
    Your grief, tears, rage and hatred are a blessing to the world.
    Without them, what would change?
    
    You already know in your soul and your bones that you were born
    to usher in a new world.  It is okay to have forgotten it, I did.
    Do you feel it calling to you from within?
    Do you notice how people live so automatically,
    without question, like drones?
    Is your body asking for a change in food, routine or job?
    
    These represent You calling out to You to wake up,
    to breathe, to rise up, to soar and to learn more about you,
    so you and all of your gifts can be shared with our world
    that so desperately needs them.
    
    This is the era of self-care,
    the time to get to know yourself better,
    to give yourself supreme care, nourishment, love, compassion,
    gentleness and tenderness.
    
    It is time to rise up my dear ones.
    It is time to turn back to you,
    to be strengthened, nourished and replenished to carry out
    your mission of being an ambassador to the New Earth,
    to the new way of relating to the self and to the self in all.
    
    Spend time with you, put down your device, magazines, newspapers, etc.
    Just be with yourself, even if you are uncomfortable.
    Notice your feelings and offer yourself love.
    Try being with yourself instead of avoiding you and how it feels to be you.
    
    Become the superhero of your own life,
    rescue yourself from your own suffering first, 
    then you can step into being an ambassador more fully.
    
    Work with your body, learn what foods it wants, how much sleep it needs,
    and if you need to take more conscious breathing breaks.
    Care for yourself and let the universe fill you with your next steps.
    
    You’re never alone.
    It just starts with you.  Know you are capable and worthy;
    if you don’t, be kind to you, just as you would to a little seed
    you planted in a drought.
    The rains and sunlight of your attention are all that is needed to help you,
    as the seed, to blossom.
    
    Just as a baby forms through the codes in DNA and the magic of creation,
    you can grow and blossom into all of you, 
    embodying the magic of creation, of the universe, within you.
    
    Care for yourself and see that all of you has been patiently waiting for you
    to notice so that you may blossom.
    
    Care for you and all the instructions you need will be revealed as they are required.
    
    Honor yourself, dear one, and the rest will follow.
    
    
    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.
    
    
    
  • False Perfection

    Image of a broken piece of glass with many shatter lines in it.
    Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

    I wrote this poem in 2017. It was when I knew that I could be kinder to myself and I was experimenting with how to do so. I remember just feeling so constrained and wondering what I was trying to measure up to and why. I like the strain in this poem and the dawning of the realization I was having. I feel like it’s a bit messy and I like it that way. I feel like it’s messy because the idea was so new to me, that there was less of the usual flow that’s in my writing. I invite you to check it out and may it help free you from any prisons of perfection you have been living in. Big hugs!!

    False Perfection - a poem
    
    What is the measure of perfection?
    
    I have always strived for perfection without really ever having a true definition of perfection.
    
    Recently I realized that it was some kind of false ideal that I was striving to, one that was unattainable, unrealistic and certainly not defined by me.
    
    I was setting myself up to fail and to hate myself time and time again
    
    As I was wanting to measure myself and my actions against a non-existent
    
    Standard.
    
    I have seen others hate themselves and berate themselves because they
    
    Couldn’t measure up to their undefined standards of perfection.
    
    
    Let’s rise up dear brothers and sisters.
    
    Let us liberate ourselves from these false pretenses,
    
    These false measures that are not based in any reality,
    
    That are more like prisons that don’t have any walls.
    
    Once you know there are no walls and everything is false
    
    About the ideals we strive for that are not defined by any heart
    
    Spirit or the Universe,
    
    Then the false ideals fall away and
    
    There is then time to get to know the way of the heart
    
    The way that has always been there, waiting for the seeds of truth
    
    To be planted within our hearts, once we step out of the darkness
    
    Of the prison with no walls, into the gardens of our hearts,
    
    Where there is always truth, nothing false and we remember
    
    That everything is here to help us, even false pretenses.
    

    © Bradlee Zrudlo 2022. All Rights Reserved.