Learning to fly takes practice, and sometimes going back to our nest is required xoxoxo
I used to think that I was broken because I can feel things so deeply in my mind, body, soul and heart. I used to think I was not good enough because I was always working on myself.
In writing on this blog, and reading my beautiful friend Carla’s comments, and the comments of some other fabulous friends on Facebook, I can see that I have been looking at myself all wrong.
As I’m working on myself and learning to get a PhD in Being Me, I’m not broken. I am damn good enough. What I’m doing is building resilience. I’m not repairing or fixing myself, I am learning to be me, and what I need to do to thrive in this world as me.
What do you need dearest reader? What can I write about that will help you become more resilient, and to embody more of you? Please share in the comments or on the Contact me page. You matter and I care very much about what I write for you. I invite you to help me meet your needs better by sharing with me!
Big hugs!
A 4 minute video about my struggles and how I am building resilience each time I make it through hardship
It is very easy as a sensitive, empathic person to think that I am doing something wrong. It happens usually when someone does something differently than me. It is very sad that I automatically assume that I am doing something wrong. Thankfully, I have been learning to nurture myself so that I can embrace the little me who doubts herself and doesn’t think she’s good enough.
I recently had an experience where I was excited to share something new I tried. One of the responses I received very quickly made me feel like I had done it wrong, even though it had turned out pretty well. The two photos below show how I felt at first (doubting myself, unsure, concerned), and then how I responded a few seconds later (loving and validating myself).
How do you feel when you do something that is different than others? Do you judge yourself? Second guess yourself? Wish you could disappear because you can’t seem to get it right? I am with you. I lived like that for so many years and it is still my default response. Thankfully, I can stop myself, know that I am valid just as I am, and continue on. I still get shaken and I still doubt myself sometimes, but I’m miles from where I once was.
I learned how to love and compliment myself from Matt Kahn. If you haven’t checked him out, I encourage you to. He is so compassionate, caring, wise and loving. I learned that sensitive, empathic people really need to learn to give love to themselves, because they are generally very good at giving it to others. He teaches about giving yourself compliments and acknowledging the good you do each day. I started doing that in 2015 and it has been a very transformative process. It is very easy to berate and judge yourself, but giving yourself a compliment can be hard, but super, super rewarding.
For example, I might say, “You know honey, there are lots of ways to do [insert task]. I loved how you tried something new and it turned out. Maybe you just invented a new way of doing things.” Or I might say, “Things are starting to feel hard this evening. You’ve done so well today, how about you take a rest?” Those are little ways I show up for myself now and it has created a buffer that helps me deal with negativity, judgement or different ways of doing things.
You’re doing great. Even if you feel terrible or things are going terribly, you are still wonderful. You are so worthy of love, compliments, care and attention. I honor you and your uniqueness and you are so much more than your circumstances. No matter what, may you know that you are still valid, even if you do things differently than others. I send you big hugs!
There is this little and sometimes quite loud voice inside me that whispers or yells, “What about me?”
A short video to help explain the concepts in this post. May it help you connect with yourself in helpful ways ♥️
I was listening to a super compassionate meditation on Insight Timer from the Biomedical Institute of Yoga and Meditation and I heard “What about me?” from inside me, quite loudly. For the rest of the day my body hurt and I was completely exhausted. This voice speaks for all the times I felt cast aside, abused, neglected, and forced. It represents so much unprocessed pain about certain aspects of my life. Part of getting a PhD in Being Me is learning to honor and care for yourself when feeling your worst. I felt so terribly, I was feeling more like I was in kindergarten compared to working on a PhD ❤️.
A day later, I still felt that “What about me” presence. It felt heavy, painful and nearly frantic. To be honest, I can understand those feelings. Listening to that beautiful meditation triggered some of my most traumatic memories and helped me to understand how much pain they truly caused. I honor my “What about me” self. It has good reason to whisper and yell, and it is very justified in coming forward to affirm its presence and role in my life.
Here I am, feeling so heavy, so unsure of how to hold myself while I acknowledge and feel the pain and anger and exhaustion this part of me has been carrying by herself. I slow down, take deep breaths and follow what my mind, heart and body are asking me to do. I write this post. I listen to beautiful music by Destined Dynamics. I cry and tell my husband about my fears and hurt. By doing these things, I create more space for this bruised, broken, hurt and victimized part of me.
Going forward, I will hold her and me, until our breath and voices unite and we are together as one. I will look in the mirror and see my pain and my resilience and smile. I will feel the pain inside me. I will rise up because the root has showed me how to pull her out of that infertile garden and plant her in my heart, where I can nurture her with the sunlight and rains of my care and attention. I love you Miss What About Me. You matter and you are worthy. Thank you for revealing yourself to me, please teach me how best to care for you.
If you are working through living with a chronic physical or mental health condition (I have chronic fatigue syndrome and anxiety), or are working through trauma of any kind, I see you and I am with you. You matter and I wish you so much ease, love, gentleness and care. Big hugs.
A note: This poem is a follow up to the post I published the other day about living with presence and bringing more of my care, attention and awareness to life. I have cycled through being more conscious and present in my life and I am coming alive to my life once again. No matter where you are on your journey of mindfulness and presence, I wish you well and may you show yourself compassion. Big hugs!
Choosing consciously – a poem
If I do something and
feel like I don’t have a choice,
I will be drained, hopeless and exhausted.
If I do that same something
but bring myself to the task
and choose to do it
because I want to,
I am no longer choiceless.
If I know that taking the garbage out
and washing the pots are the last thing I want to do,
but I do them anyway,
I age, decay and slowly die inside.
If I recognize that I don’t
want to do those tasks and
be gentle and caring with myself,
instead of forcing my way on,
I blossom, heal and nourish myself.
It is a very subtle distinction,
but I do believe it is
the key to ending cycles of abuse,
by using our free will even where
it seems like we don’t have any.
May we all find the little ways in which we can liberate
Over the past few days, I have been witnessing and hearing about people being treated as less than. It really bothers me, and I get really angry and want to change our world for the better. I know that hurt people hurt people, but I can’t help but feel like we should all be able to get along.
If you are being mistreated, cast aside, ignored, persecuted, or abused, I stand with you. I am with you, and you are so worthy.
For every time you feel down, please read these words and be reminded that you matter and you are lovely, just as you are.
Our world values numbers, productivity, and profits over people. You are so much more than a human resource and a human doing. You are a beautiful being, and may you know and feel your beauty, truth, and worth, no matter how you are being treated.
May you be blessed with an abundance of support, safety, courage, and strength to leave unhealthy situations.
May you know how worthy you are of being well treated and being in healthy environments with compassionate people.
May we all rise up to live from our inner power so we can create true equity for all.
I stand with you, I honor you, and I am cheering you on.
Me sending you lots of love and saying, “I see you and you are so worthy.”
It really broke my heart to watch her suffering, yet I knew she was teaching me alot. In the video above, I talk about the baby chicks and how they exude innocence and purity. They look at me and I can feel my anger, tension and rigidity melt away.
I have been reflecting on that innocence and purity. We are all born that way, and circumstances in life can lead us to bury or hide that away. I know it was like that for me, and I first really understood what I was missing when I was 35 years old: https://phdinbeingme.ca/2022/09/05/innocence/
Those precious babies help remind me that we all have that innocence within us, and I want to nurture and protect it in others. I have times when I am upset or tired, and I forget to speak directly to the innocence in others, and I also forget my own. On days when I feel good and I separate out someone’s actions from their innocence, I feel like a superhero. Speaking to someone’s innocence instead of responding to their actions is a true gift.
Today, I am having a hard time with that concept, but I am trying regardless. I am trying to nurture my innocence instead of judging myself for my behavior. Today, I am in need of more love, care, and patience, and I am doing my best to give that to myself. May we all be blessed with an abundance of patience, inspiration, and infinite love to share with the innocence in all hearts, especially our own. Big hugs!
Image of me flexing my muscles in celebration of finding strength within me
Sneak peek: loving video at the end of this post!
Since I started getting progressively more tired with chronic fatigue syndrome, I thought I was getting weaker. It can be easy to associate any condition or change in abilities with weakness. I felt the same about how anxious I was getting over the years. It turns out I was wrong. Learning to cope with challenges and unexpected realities creates strength and resilience, not weakness.
For a long time, I hid how tired I was, and I didn’t talk about how hard it was, even with my doctor and naturopath. I felt this absurd need to downplay my symptoms. Through many hardships in my personal and professional, I learned just how much shame I was experiencing. I think I needed to soak in that shame so I could find my self-worth and rise up despite my diagnosis. I feel like I could write a book about this subject and I really hope to in the future. There is something so magical about struggling and suffering yet finding one’s way through. It is so beautiful and inspiring, and I hope to uplift and support others by sharing deeply about my struggles to embrace, accept, know, and love myself.
I had so many loving and supportive people who validated me, even when I didn’t think I was good enough. My family first helped me see that I am physically and emotionally strong even though I am always tired. They supported me through the shame and unworthiness I felt about it. My beautiful friend Jana helped me with that, too, when I easily moved a heavy umbrella stand. And Georgette coached me through the fears I had about taking big steps to reclaim my power. K taught me that there are cycles in life and that it’s okay not to give 100% all the time. I remember how incredibly powerful their help and support was. I am so grateful to all my friends, family, and colleagues who loved and appreciated me for me, regardless of how tired or anxious I was (or am). I hadn’t recognized how small, not good enough and incapable I felt just because I am chronically exhausted.
With every supportive and encouraging word from family, friends, colleagues and that I learned to give to myself, I started reclaiming my worth and my physical and emotional strength. Learning to honor myself and my precious body has been life changing for me, too. Developing my self-worth has helped me make healthier and more confident decisions in my life, including recognizing and enforcing boundaries, eating ways that give me more energy and other healthy habits. Tremendous good has come out of having chronic fatigue syndrome. Through perceiving myself as weak, I have found true strength, what a beautiful gift. My strength still wavers at times, but now that I have found it, I won’t lose it again.
Even though we face challenges in life, whether they are imposed on us by society or not, whether they are temporary or permanent, physical, mental, emotional, or financial, or the result of longstanding systemic racism and oppression, we are still strong. Challenges of any kind don’t make us weak. If anything, they make us more resilient.
May we all rise up and reclaim our inner power and strength and dissolve all barriers so we may have true equity, unity, harmony and acceptance within our hearts, bodies, minds, societies, cultures and countries. May we all be blessed to have loving and supportive people to share our lives with too!
In closing, I am sharing a video with a special message and some deep breaths from my heart to yours ❤️.
A short video to anchor the message of finding strength, self-love and self-worth especially through challenges
Note: I have not suffered the effects of systemic racism and oppression as a white, cisgender woman of Lebanese and Italian ancestry. I wanted to include reference to those who deal with that on a daily basis to honor their strength and resilience. And to highlight my commitment as an ally who is learning and applying what I learn each day. May those oppressive and racist systems be completely transformed and resolved for the well-being of all humanity.
I wrote this poem on February 14, 2019. I remember those days of missing myself, and I still sometimes feel that, although it has a different feeling lately. Like I’ve been missing only certain parts of me that I’m still reclaiming, like my power. I am sharing it with the hope that it inspires anyone else who is missing themselves. Big hugs!
Missing myself – a poem
I feel like I’ve been missing myself.
Just this morning, I have been crying, aware that I have missed me.
I have been so caught up trying to survive and make it through in the past few months that I have been missing myself.
It is a good feeling in a way, because it means I’ve noticed and it is time to figure out how to spend more time with me, instead of rushing around all the time, trying to make things right outside of me and for other people.
Imagine how weird that is…I am right here, but yet I have missed myself.
There is a massive depth to me and when I am in survival mode, I am only living from the surface of me.
My depths are crying out for me to return to them, to bring the depths up to the surface so that I may exist in a more whole and complete way and as a result, I may bring more blessings, health and abundance to myself and to all of those I interact with.
Here I am, vulnerable and raw, sinking into the depths of me, while they rise to meet me.
What a holy day.
Interestingly enough, it is Valentine’s Day today. May I be reunited with all that I am, in a true sacred union that needs no flowers, chocolates or cards.
I remember it Walking through life empty A shell of myself With no hope for life to be any different
I remember the terrible loneliness The sense that everyone else had it figured out but me The longing to have a purpose and an existence greater than the numbness But thinking that was reserved for others
I have felt this numb emptiness many times in my life and it is back for a visit
It reminds me of how hard everything can be And how hopeless I am an outsider in my own life and everyone is looking in and seeing me So desperately alone and lost But continuing their lives with full, happy hearts
This numbness is like a little baby bird that fell out of the nest instead of launching itself into flight, ready for life
This numbness reminds me that a part of me is in desperate need of being loved, witnessed and seen, just as it is.
This numbness is calling to me asking me for validation instead of burying it deeper, while I focus on my to do list
This numbness is my innocence crying out to me about how lost and shattered it is, asking me, begging me to stop, to breathe. To reach down tenderly and caress it and coddle it before bringing it to the cozy nest in my heart.
Thank you dear precious numbness. Thank you for reminding me how long it’s been since we have connected. Thank you for reminding me how hard life is when you take the lead and I haven’t nurtured you to a loving, hand holding place by my side.
Thank you numbness for reminding me that our world is rapidly changing, shattering and breaking down so we can all learn to walk hand in hand with our pain, numbness, innocence and vulnerability. Thank you precious numbness. I love you.
Note from Bradlee: I felt so much better after writing this. One of my goals is to write about the things we don’t often talk about. There is a freedom in doing that and it is my honor to share so deeply about my experience of life. I think there are times when we all feel numb, worthless, scared, ashamed, etc., and I don’t think we can avoid those times. I believe it’s more about what we do when we feel like that. This writing is my way of comforting and acknowledging my numbness. May it lighten the load of numbness and pain for all. Thank you for reading.
